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Married Or Not… You Should Read This: - Family - Nairaland

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Married Or Not… You Should Read This: by DereI(f): 2:39pm On Nov 05, 2011
Married or not… you should read this.
Marriage.

“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”

4 Likes

Re: Married Or Not… You Should Read This: by rhymz(m): 3:27pm On Nov 05, 2011
This is a classic. Goes to show how sometimes when we complain of being bored with somebody, it is actually the things we ve overtime taken for granted, things we used to do before but for some inexplicable reasons stopped along the way. Loving somebody takes an effort, it does not end with just having feelings for the person cos when we resume activities of our former lives before we met, we might be caught up in a dilemma, you find out these activities are competing with the emotions-feelings of love that has brought the two of you togethet- in a way that you don't notice or realize until it gets to divorce or break-up stage. Intimacy is very important in any relationship, the moment it is achieved in a relationship, you find out such relationship can withstand anything.
Reading through this fine story, I realized something similar happening in my new found relationship. I notice we don't discuss certain aspect of our relationship that can foster intimacy, my girlfriend gets too emotional and refuses to talk about them. Sometimes, I fear that might be the genesis of the break-up that such attitude will bring. Just this morning she slightly angered me by choosing to rather spend time with her friend than coming over to my place as we had earlier planned. I reluctantly agreed to her sudden change of mind but was disappointed that she cared less that I felt a little turned off by it. A little call to cheer me up from her friend's would ve sufficed, little thoughfulness like that are things that even make you wanna love somebody more. Sometimes, I feel like I am in the relationship all by myself just to make her happy, we have strong feelings for eachother no doubt but at times I feel that is not enough to carry us on in the relationship. I feel she is too convenient in the slanted relationship(to me it is) that she takes little things for granted, as far as I am concerned, our intimacy is stagnant and it pains me a lot. I make efforts but for some inexplicable reasons she does not realize it. Last time I bought her a wrist watch and went through a lot of discomfort to keep up with the date i promised her i was going to give her the wrist watch. Do you know that until I gave her the wrist watch she did not show any enthusiasm or seriousness as to know how I went about it even though I told her that I almost missed going to work that day cos I wanted to make sure she had a good quality wrist watch. Non-chalance like that are what kills me inside when i think about it, she knows me very well when it comes to appreciating her efforts for things she has gone out her way to do for me, however small or non-relevant; I will praise her to high heavens, pet her to show I cared that she did that for me and all that. @Poster
Anyway, let me not bore you with my own story, by the way, did you write that yourself? Would love to get your advice on my relationship wahala. I almost cried reading the story, it is just what many relationships go through, be it a marriage or a mere boyfriend-girl friend relationship.
Re: Married Or Not… You Should Read This: by DereI(f): 3:39pm On Nov 05, 2011
rhymz:

This is a classic. Goes to show how sometimes when we complain of being bored with somebody, it is actually the things we ve overtime take for granted, things we used to do before but for some inexplicable reasons stopped along the way. Loving somebody takes an effort, it does not end with just having feelings for the person cos when we resume activities of our former lives before we met, we might be caught up in a dilemma, you find out these activities are competing with the emotions-feelings of love that has brought the two of you togethet- in a way that you don't notice or realize until it gets to divorce stage. Intimacy is very important in any relationship, the moment it is achieved in a relationship, you find out such relationship can withstand anything.
Reading through this fine story, I realize something similar happening in my new found relationship. I notice we don't discuss certain aspect of our relationship that can foster intimacy, my girlfriend gets too emotional and refuses to talk about them. Sometimes, I fear that might be the genesis of the break-up that such attitude will bring. Just this morning she slightly angered me by choosing to rather spend time with her friend than coming over to my place as we had earlier planned. I reluctantly agreed to her sudden change of mind but was disappointed that she cared less that I felt a little turned off by it. A little call to cheer me up from her friend's would ve sufficed, little thoughfulness like that are things that even make you wanna love somebody more. Sometimes, I feel like I am in the relationship all by myself just to make her happy, we have strong feelings for eachother no doubt but at times I feel that is not enough to carries us on in the relationship. I feel she is too convenient in the slanted relationship(to me it is) that she takes little things for granted, as far as I am concerned, our intimacy is stagnant and it pains me a lot. I make efforts but for some inexplicable reasons she does not realize it. Last time I bought her a wrist watch and went through a lot of discomfort to keep up with the date i promised her i was going to give her the wrist watch. Do you know that until I gave her the wrist watch she did not show any enthusiasm or seriousness as to know how I went about it even though I told her that I almost missed going to work that day cos I wanted to make sure she had a good quality wrist watch. Non-chalance like that are what kills me inside when i think about it, she knows me very well when it comes to appreciating her efforts for things she has gone out her way to do for me, however small or non-relevant; I will praise her to high heavens, pet her to show I cared that she did that for me and all that. @Poster
Anyway, let me not bore you with my own story, by the way, did you write that yourself? Would love to get your advice on my relationship wahala. I almost cried reading the story, it is just what many relationships go through, be it a marriage or a mere boyfriend-girl friend relationship.

I am deeply sorry for what you are going thru. But like you said, you have to be opened with your partner. Why not let her know she hurts you with her nonchalant attitude? Why not let her know that appreciation for very little things counts? Try to fix a date convenient to both of you and discuss this issue now that its not late. I'm not a relationship expert rather am just like every other person. Everyone has his/her hard times in a relationship. But one thing i console myself with when i feel my relationship is not going well or when i am having some problems with my boyfriend, I remember that we've had better times and we will again.
Re: Married Or Not… You Should Read This: by ronkebp(f): 3:43pm On Nov 05, 2011
cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry
Re: Married Or Not… You Should Read This: by DereI(f): 3:54pm On Nov 05, 2011
ronkebp:

cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry


Re: Married Or Not… You Should Read This: by ronkebp(f): 4:02pm On Nov 05, 2011
Yeah!!!!!!!!! i could not help it but cry>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>infact, am still crying, it is so sad>>>>>> sad sad sad sad sad, please don't console me!!, let me continue crying, cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry
Re: Married Or Not… You Should Read This: by rhymz(m): 4:05pm On Nov 05, 2011
Dere I:

I am deeply sorry for what you are going thru. But like you said, you have to be opened with your partner. Why not let her know she hurts you with her nonchalant attitude? Why not let her know that appreciation for very little things counts? Try to fix a date convenient to both of you and discuss this issue now that its not late. I'm not a relationship expert rather am just like every other person. Everyone has his/her hard times in a relationship. But one thing i console myself with when i feel my relationship is not going well or when i am having some problems with my boyfriend, I remember that we've had better times and we will again.

the last time we fixed a date like that where we had a soul to soul discussion she cried profusely several times when we explored very sensitve subjects like sex, previous relationships, family background and relationship with both her siblings and her parents, so on & so on. I hate to see her cry, the other time we were listening a song by boyz2men, i think the track was on bended kneels; she started crying, when I asked why she was crying, she wont say but I suspect it had to do with her previous relationship.
That's why most time we just talk about non-issues and leave the real thing to be discused. We are so cautious about not hurting eachother feelings that it closes up all avenues of open discussion. I plan to do so anyway, am just looking for the right time.
Re: Married Or Not… You Should Read This: by DereI(f): 4:14pm On Nov 05, 2011
rhymz:

the last time we fixed a date like that where we had a soul to soul discussion she cried profusely several times when we explored very sensitve subjects like sex, previous relationships, family background and relationship with both her siblings and her parents, so on & so on. I hate to see her cry, the other time we were listening a song by boyz2men, i think the track was on bended kneels; she started crying, when I asked why she was crying, she wont say but I suspect it had to do with her previous relationship.
That's why most time we just talk about non-issues and leave the real thing to be discused. We are so cautious about not hurting eachother feelings that it closes up all avenues of open discussion. I plan to do so anyway, am just looking for the right time.

There is nothing like "A right time" anymore. Another thing you have to know is, bringing up topics from your previous relationships is a real turn-off. Why not establish something both of you can adore rather than talk waste your time about things that have past? Hurtful things at that matter.

I know its hard sometimes with a new relationship. Trying to do everything to please your partner. But the major thing is, try not to displease yourself too. Say it out when you are hurt. Correct her politely when she is wrong. Pray with her, play with her. Be opened and make her understand that you also want her to be opened. No secrets.

I pray for you though that God should give you the wisdom on how to deal with this. But take it easy and dont be too hard on yourself.
Re: Married Or Not… You Should Read This: by DereI(f): 4:16pm On Nov 05, 2011
ronkebp:

Yeah!!!!!!!!! i could not help it but cry>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>infact, am still crying, it is so sad>>>>>> sad sad sad sad sad, please don't console me!!, let me continue crying, cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry cry

My dear, please i didnt post this here for you to cry, Just to save a marriage of some people out there. And if it helps, i will be delighted.

So dont cry oooo, Ndo ooo
Pele oooo
Re: Married Or Not… You Should Read This: by rhymz(m): 4:41pm On Nov 05, 2011
Dere I:

There is nothing like "A right time" anymore. Another thing you have to know is, bringing up topics from your previous relationships is a real turn-off. Why not establish something both of you can adore rather than talk waste your time about things that have past? Hurtful things at that matter.

I know its hard sometimes with a new relationship. Trying to do everything to please your partner. But the major thing is, try not to displease yourself too. Say it out when you are hurt. Correct her politely when she is wrong. Pray with her, play with her. Be opened and make her understand that you also want her to be opened. No secrets.

I pray for you though that God should give you the wisdom on how to deal with this. But take it easy and dont be too hard on yourself.


you know I did not tell you we had very contrasting views about fashion & sex; she wont wear troussers or earrings, when it comes to sex, she does not entertain any discussion there at all. I have been patient with her anyway and believe with love she will tone down a bit especially her mode of fashion. I am a young man with a lot of life in me, while I advocate decency in dressing and sex being an integral part of a relationship, I realy find extremist opposition to them uncomfortable. Already, I ve told her that for now, I wont disturb her over these issues but over time, it will have to be trashed out. What I dont get is whether she misconstrued it to mean that I ve agreed that the relationship will never discuss sex or that I like the way she carries herself in her dressing style. How do I go about putting these things on the table without hurting her and pls understand my point, I am not basing my relationship on sex but I just don't see myself involved in a relationship with no prospect for sex. If I am going to be totally committed to her, she will have to understand that i ve blood flowing through my veins and don't want to ve to ask somebody else for that.
Re: Married Or Not… You Should Read This: by DereI(f): 4:54pm On Nov 05, 2011
How old are you? Please do not feel embarrassed by this question. Do not answer if you dont want to.
Re: Married Or Not… You Should Read This: by rhymz(m): 5:19pm On Nov 05, 2011
Dere I:

How old are you? Please do not feel embarrassed by this question. Do not answer if you dont want to.
thanks dear.
Am 25 going 26 by January. And don't worry about me being embarrassed cos I am not. I ve taken note of your yahoo i.d and will add you up soon as i get to work. Am already getting ready for work. Am on night shift. I don't know how long you intend to stay online though.
Re: Married Or Not… You Should Read This: by DereI(f): 6:19pm On Nov 05, 2011
rhymz:

thanks dear.
Am 25 going 26 by January. And don't worry about me being embarrassed cos I am not. I ve taken note of your yahoo i.d and will add you up soon as i get to work. Am already getting ready for work. Am on night shift. I don't know how long you intend to stay online though.

I'll be offline soon. But u can drop offline messages. i will reply u.
Re: Married Or Not… You Should Read This: by freecocoa(f): 6:21pm On Nov 05, 2011
I just can't stop crying.
Re: Married Or Not… You Should Read This: by DereI(f): 6:31pm On Nov 05, 2011
freecocoa:

I just can't stop crying.

cry , Please dont cry
Re: Married Or Not… You Should Read This: by DereI(f): 10:27am On Nov 08, 2011
its well.
Re: Married Or Not… You Should Read This: by Dagods(m): 11:47am On Nov 08, 2011
were r d gud ladies a lady who don't have 2 depend on men 2 survive, a woman who can fight-on no matter wat,i mean move on with the pressure of dat institution called marriage,without staining her person,or selling da dignity of her marriage, were are dey?
Re: Married Or Not… You Should Read This: by Dagods(m): 11:58am On Nov 08, 2011
@ poster married or not married"pls accept my sympathy,dis is not going 2 be easy 4 u so be brave,as 4 ur "Jane"i know she might be d next option, hey:, am not intruding ur person ok but pls no mater wat ur next move is pls take gudcare of ur son dat is d least u can do 2 make her happy, wereva she is now, may her loving,caring humble & gentle soul rest in peace AMEN"""""",
Re: Married Or Not… You Should Read This: by ronkebp(f): 3:31pm On Nov 08, 2011
Dagods:

were r d gud ladies a lady who don't have 2 depend on men 2 survive, a woman who can fight-on no matter wat,i mean move on with the pressure of dat institution called marriage,without staining her person,or selling da dignity of her marriage, were are dey?

undecided undecided undecided undecided undecided undecided undecided undecided undecided undecided undecided
Re: Married Or Not… You Should Read This: by DereI(f): 5:29pm On Nov 08, 2011
Dagods:

@ poster married or not married"pls accept my sympathy,dis is not going 2 be easy 4 u so be brave,as 4 your "Jane"i know she might be d next option, hey:, am not intruding your person ok but pls no mater wat your next move is pls take gudcare of your son dat is d least u can do 2 make her happy, wereva she is now, may her loving,caring humble & gentle soul rest in peace AMEN"""""",

Re: Married Or Not… You Should Read This: by DereI(f): 5:32pm On Nov 08, 2011
Dagods:

were r d gud ladies a lady who don't have 2 depend on men 2 survive, a woman who can fight-on no matter wat,i mean move on with the pressure of dat institution called marriage,without staining her person,or selling da dignity of her marriage, were are dey?



lipsrsealed lipsrsealed lipsrsealed lipsrsealed lipsrsealed lipsrsealed lipsrsealed
Re: Married Or Not… You Should Read This: by rhymz(m): 9:03pm On Nov 08, 2011
Dere i sent you a request on your YIM but you are yet to accept it.
Re: Married Or Not… You Should Read This: by DereI(f): 8:40pm On Nov 10, 2011
rhymz:

Dere i sent you a request on your YIM but you are yet to accept it.

Will do that ryt away
Re: Married Or Not… You Should Read This: by BlueDiva: 10:08pm On Nov 10, 2011
@Rhymz
I'm touched by what you're going through right now.
I have one saying, compatibility without 'fireworks love' is better than 'fireworks love' without compatibility.

I'm sorry to say, you and your girl are not compatible.
That is the greatest problem in a relationship.

A relationship with love but without compatibility will last but will never be peaceful.
Don't make the mistake of thinking your girl might become very appreciative as you would like. Her nature is her nature.

My advice to you is to take things eazy and see how the relationship unfolds.
You're still young and you definitely have time to explore more options.

@OP.
Sorry to derail the thread.
Read the article before but every single time i read it, i feel like crying.
Re: Married Or Not… You Should Read This: by Agybabe(f): 11:04pm On Nov 11, 2011
The first story got tears running from my eyes. So touching. *sobs*

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