One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach. He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard.

“How did you spend your life on earth my son?” asked Jesus.

“I was a simple carpenter for sixty years” replied the old man.

“And what do you hope to find here in heaven,” asked Jesus.

“I hope to find my son” said the man.

“Well there are millions upon millions of people here, how will you find him?”

“I’ll recognize him by the nail holes in his hands and feet,” states the old man.

Jesus does a double take, thinks for a moment and asks, “Father”

The old man looks at Jesus and says, “Pinocchio?”

Jesus was walking through Palestine followed by his entourage when he came across a group of women. The were about to stone another woman to death. Jesus asked the women why.
Because she's a prostitute they replied.
Jesus stepped forward and said "let she who is without sin cast the first stone"
From out of his crowd of followers came a stone which his the prostitute full in the face.
Jesus turns around and said "you know sometimes mother, you really piss me off"

A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him. Some time later, a man calls the zoo complaining of a gorilla in a tree in his back yard. The zoo keeper rushes right over. When he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a Pit Bull.

The man asks what the items are for. He's told, "I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, you throw the net over him, and the Dachshund will go straight for his balls." The man asks, "But what's the shotgun for?"

The zoo keeper answers, "If I miss the gorilla and fall out of the tree, you shoot the Pit Bull."

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"

What was i doing here. . .mtschew!

One day, Jesus and the Devil were both working on their computers. Jesus was typing away. The Devil was typing away.

Suddenly a huge blackout filled heaven and hell. When the lights came back on, Jesus picked up right where he left off, but the Devil's screen was black. Satan says, "How could this happen? I did everything Jesus did!"

Then one person in Hell says, "No, Jesus Saves."

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup size, speaker size, and storage capacity.

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about

men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

.

Nice

lol


B U M P

Bump