Go Forth and Multiply
After it was all over and Noah lowered the ramp of the ark for all the animals to leave, he told the animals "To go forth and multiply."

All the animals left except two snakes who lay quietly in the corner of the ark.

"Why can't you go forth and multiply?" demanded Noah.

"We can't," answered the snakes. "We're adders."

Water in the Carburetor
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."

The First Witness
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within five minutes!”

It's Time
Even though he could not tell time, my three-year-old grandson was wearing a watch when I visited. Later, when I was putting on my coat to leave, I asked him what time it was. He looked at his watch blankly, then brightened. "It's time for you to go," he answered triumphantly.

the first one is tight

A New Kind of Car
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria.

"Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?"one asked.

"He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied.

"How was he going to do it?"

"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, you get the idea."

"So what did he end up with?"

"Ten years to life."

School Bus Ride
It was the first day of school, after summer vacation and time for me to pick up the children in my school bus and take them home again.

After I had made the complete run that afternoon, one little boy remained on the bus.

Thinking he had simply missed his stop, I started driving slowly back through the neighborhood and asked him to be sure to let me know if any of the houses or people looked familiar. The boy sat in his seat contentedly and shook his head whenever I asked him if he recognized a person or place.

After the second unsuccessful tour of the area, I started back to the school to ask for his address. When we arrived, the child got off the bus and started walking away.

"Wait!" I called. "We have to go inside and find out where you live."

"I live right there," he said, pointing to a house across the street. "I just always wanted to ride in a school bus."

Do you know what day this is?
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered. "How could you think I would forget?" Whereupon he left for the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolate and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful 'Arbor Day' in all my life!"

Counting Sheep
Ferne Southern said she was staying with her 8-year-old granddaughter, Brooke, while her parents were out of town.

Brooke was delaying bedtime, as usual, so her grandmother told her about counting sheep to fall asleep.

The 8-year-old thought that was a good idea. Everything was quiet for a while. But just as grandmother was dozing off, a voice sounded:

"Nana?"

"Yes?"

"There are 38."

Dinosaur Plumbing
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son. I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it.

However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working. "Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.

High Blood Pressure
When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."

"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked.

"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."

"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"

He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

Where are the jokes i can't find any *search's throughly*.

quit serching bro,


there aint any around hear.

dashkkk are u my dalyn KK if u are long time missn uuuuuuuuuuu an if ure not kk go to

you bad bad people you

SPECIAL PRAYER
Son: (At prayer) God bless mummy and daddy and also my brother and sister. Please God let Sokoto be the capital of Japan.

Mum:   That's a strange request to make of God,But why

Son:     Because i wrote sokoto as the capital of Japan in the examination's answer script.    

That guy must be mad, even a baby would that dosen't know it would write:
quin kain chong, instead of sokoto. At least he would get -5/10.

@clem
of course _kk=dashkk=chumakk nd many more

The one about the school bus ride is crazy.

honie ur not serious omg u kk's of this world should stop confusing the living daylights in me pluzee

tope_teadr:

That guy must be mad, even a baby would that dosen't know it would write:
quin kain chong, instead of sokoto. At least he would get -5/10.

and are you sure you can spell the capital of japan?