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Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / Jokes Etc / My Book Of Jokes (don't Derail Please) (2375 Views)
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My Book Of Jokes (don't Derail Please) by salemdv(m): 2:50pm On Apr 05, 2012 |
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you iddddddiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!" The surgeon told his patient that woke up after hav ing been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to hav e to operate y ou again. Because, y ou see, I forgot my rubber glov es inside y ou." Patient: "Well, if that’s all, I'd rather pay for them if y ou just leav e me alone. ************************ Doctor: "I hav e some bad news and some very bad news." Patient: "Well, y ou might as well giv e me the bad news first." Doctor: "The lab called with y our test results. They said y ou hav e 24 hours to liv e." Patient: "24 hours! That’s terrible!! What could be worse?! What's the v ery bad news?" Doctor: "I'v e been try ing to reach y ou since y esterday ." ************************ |
Re: My Book Of Jokes (don't Derail Please) by salemdv(m): 2:53pm On Apr 05, 2012 |
************************ A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. Man: "What's the matter with me?" Doctor: "You're not eating properly ." ************************ ************************ A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to y our ears?"He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and pshhhhh! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss say s, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, then I had to call the doctor!" ************************ 1 Like |
Re: My Book Of Jokes (don't Derail Please) by salemdv(m): 3:11pm On Apr 05, 2012 |
Top 45 Oxymoron's 45. Act naturally 44. Found missing 43. Resident alien 42. Advanced BASIC 41. Genuine imitation 40. Airline Food 39. Good grief 38. Same difference 37. Almost exactly 36. Government organization 35. Sanitary landfill 34. Alone together 33. Legally drunk 32. Silent scream 31. Living dead 30. Small crowd 29. Business ethics 28. Soft rock 27. Butt Head 26. Military Intelligence 25. Software documentation 24. New classic 23. Sweet sorrow 22. Childproof 21. "Now, then ..." 20. Synthetic natural gas 19. Passive aggression 18. Taped live 17. Clearly misunderstood 16. Peace force 15. Extinct Life 14. Temporary tax increase 13. Computer jock 12. Plastic glasses 11. Terribly pleased 10. Computer security 9. Political science 8. Tight slacks 7. Definite maybe 6. Pretty ugly 5. Twelve-ounce pound cake 4. Diet ice cream 3. Working vacation 2. Exact estimate 1. Microsoft Works ************************ 1 Like |
Re: My Book Of Jokes (don't Derail Please) by Ruqaya(f): 3:58pm On Apr 05, 2012 |
I love 'em all though i've seen some before |
Re: My Book Of Jokes (don't Derail Please) by salemdv(m): 1:43pm On Apr 06, 2012 |
Dear Son: I'm writing this slow cause I know y ou can't read fast. We don't liv e where we did when y ou left. Your Dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of the house, so we mov ed. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain, and hav en't seen them since. It's only rained twice this week. Three day s the first time and four day s the second time. The coat y ou wanted me to send, y our Aunt Sue said was too heav y to mail with all those big buttons on it so we cut them off and they 're in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last pay ment on Grandma's funeral, up she comes. Your Uncle Joe fell in the whisky v at y esterday - some men tried to pull him out but he fought 'em all off and finally drowned. We cremated him right after and he's still burning good this morning. Three of y our friends went off the bridge in a pick- up truck, one was driv ing, two in the back. The driv er rolled the window down and swam out. The two in the back couldn't get the tail- gate open so they drowned too. Not much news this time, nothing much happens round here, will try to write more next time. Lov e, Your Mama P.S. Was gonna send y ou some money but already had this sealed up. ************************ 1 Like
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Re: My Book Of Jokes (don't Derail Please) by dani1luv: 1:47pm On Apr 06, 2012 |
hrheheheheheheheeee |
Re: My Book Of Jokes (don't Derail Please) by yeswecan(m): 3:04pm On Apr 06, 2012 |
Nice one. Check this out! An old lady boarded a bus from Lagos to Abuja.. She told the driver " Oga tell me when we reach Benin" and the driver agreed. Upon departure she shouted from the back again " I beg tell me when we reach Benin" the driver and the passengers said " we go tell you Mama". Everone slept and the driver drove pass Benin. At lokoja- One hour after Benin a male passenger remembered and told the driver " Mama say make we tell am if we reach Benin" and the driver replied " I beg no wake am o" the Driver made u-turn back to Benin. At Benin he woke Mama " we don reach Benin". Mama brought out her Phone, dailled someone and said " we dey Benin now" and went back to sleep. The driver woke her up again, " Mama I say we dey Benin" and Mama answered " I tell you say I go come down from Benin? Na Abuja I dey go my daughter say if I reach Benin make I call am" 1 Like |
Re: My Book Of Jokes (don't Derail Please) by salemdv(m): 9:43am On Apr 07, 2012 |
nice 1 there muhehehehehehe |
Re: My Book Of Jokes (don't Derail Please) by sm1fabulous: 10:19am On Apr 07, 2012 |
yeswecan: Nice one. Check this out! An old lady boarded a bus from Lagos to Abuja.. She told the driver " Oga tell me when we reach Benin" and the driver agreed. Upon departure she shouted from the back again " I beg tell me when we reach Benin" the driver and the passengers said " we go tell you Mama".if i b driver i 4 just troway am 4rm window ..den call her dota 2 cum park am. mtchew |
Re: My Book Of Jokes (don't Derail Please) by salemdv(m): 11:12am On Apr 07, 2012 |
Actual Call Center Calls Customer: "I've been calling 700- 1 000 for two day s and can't get through; can y ou help?" Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?" Customer: "It's on the door of y our business." Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we’re open." Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry , sir, I don't understand who you are talking about." Caller: "On page 1 , section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall." Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please" Operator: "I'm sorry , there's no listing. Are y ou sure that the spelling is coCaller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off." Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: "Wov en? Are y ou sure?" Caller: "Yes. That's what it say s on the label - - Wov en in Scotland " On another occasion, a man making heav y breathing sounds from a phoneworried operator: "I hav en't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to number on." Tech Support: "I need y ou to right- click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "OK." Tech Support: "Did y ou get a pop- up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK. Right- Click again. Do y ou see a pop- up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can y ou tell me what y ou hav e done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of y our screen, can y ou see the 'OK' button display ed?" Customer: "Wow! How can y ou see my screen from there?" |
Re: My Book Of Jokes (don't Derail Please) by salemdv(m): 11:25am On Apr 07, 2012 |
************************ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ATTORNEY: How was y our first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ATTORNEY: Can y ou describe the indiv idual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ATTORNEY: Is y our appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to y our attorney ? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ATTORNEY: ALL y our responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did y ou go to? WITNESS: Oral. ATTORNEY: What gear were y ou in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ************************ 1 Like |
Re: My Book Of Jokes (don't Derail Please) by salemdv(m): 6:14pm On Apr 10, 2012 |
updates coming up in a jiffy |
Re: My Book Of Jokes (don't Derail Please) by salemdv(m): 11:47am On Apr 11, 2012 |
(am going raw on this) na 2 part of lagos dey, 1 part 4 d rich and the other 4 d u know 4 rich man area u go hear bustop like adeola odekun, ahmadu bello way, ademola alakija, etc bur 4 d oda part u go hear bustop like Pako church, moshahlassshiii, babatope babaoshi, iyatuwo, ogogoro junction, cemetery. abbeeegi wetin person dey find for cemetery? ****************** Some should please translate this; "waka waka don carry beele" |
Re: My Book Of Jokes (don't Derail Please) by mcnepow(m): 3:05pm On Apr 11, 2012 |
keep them comingggg. . |
Re: My Book Of Jokes (don't Derail Please) by Ozegbe(m): 7:07pm On Apr 11, 2012 |
salemdv: (am going raw on this)moving about carelessly has got yu pregnant |
Re: My Book Of Jokes (don't Derail Please) by salemdv(m): 5:48pm On Apr 15, 2012 |
U no get am oh dude...try harder |
Re: My Book Of Jokes (don't Derail Please) by Francex(f): 8:43pm On Apr 15, 2012 |
Walk walk is pregnant...lol...or walk walk has carried stomach |
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