The Gospel According To "Saint"
Farouk
1) And it came to pass after these
things, on the first day of the first
month of the twelfth year after
the second millennium, that king
Jona son of Bele announced to
the people saying; there is no
money left in the royal treasury,
and the future of the kingdom is
in great danger.
2) Therefore, a measure of oil
shall no longer sell for three
scores of silver and seven, but
shall now be seven scores of silver
and one. But the people grumbled
aloud, and said unto another,
what shall it profit our king to
gain all these oil money and lose
his throne?
3) For it is appointed unto him to
reign but once, and after this
prison, for many are the atrocities
which he has committed.
4) So they said unto the king, eat
thou thy food in peace in the
palace, and surround thou thyself
with thine women, only touch not
our oil price and do thy people no
harm.
5) But the king would not listen,
and said unto himself, I know my
people, they shall only grumble for
a while and soon they shall forget.
6) But the people would not
forget, for the burden was too
much for them to bear, and they
said; now unto him that is able to
increase the price of oil exceeding
abundantly above all that his
people can bear or think,
according to the greed which
worketh in him;
7) Unto him be curses in the
streets by the masses throughout
all ages, protests without end.
So they took to the streets and
gave the land no peace, and there
was no going out or coming in
throughout the kingdom for two
weeks, and the king feared
greatly and said to himself, surely
these people shall overturn me if I
answer them not.
9) So he called the head of the
labourers unto the palace, and
gave him bags of gold, that they
might turn off the wrath of the
people against the king.
10) So the king assembled the
people and said unto them; a
measure of oil shall no longer be
seven scores of silver and one, but
shall now be four scores of silver,
one dozen and one, to this your
leaders have agreed. Praise me
now therefore for I am a
benevolent king.
11) And after all these, the
Loudspeaker of the House of
People said, let us inquire into the
king’s claim that there be no
money in the royal treasury. So
they appointed Farcrook, son of
Lawal.
12) And said unto him, gather ye
now all the oil sellers, that we may
know who stole from the
kingdom. This did him with
diligence, and came back with his
report saying
13) Thieves abound in the land,
and so have the oil sellers stole
from the people, and gave them
not oil, this they did with the help
of Aliyaro the king’s mistress; and
the amount he mentioned was
unheard of in the land.
14) When the people heard this,
they were dismayed, and sorrow
gripped their hearts.
15) But the oil sellers went in unto
the king in his chamber, and said;
rememberest thou O king that the
what we stole did we made
available to thy campaign, and by
thus did we make you king.
16) If thou deliver us unto the
people that they may punish us,
we will hold not our tongue to tell
the people that thou art one of us.
17) And they said unto him, how
else shall we destroy the message
if not to destroy the messenger?
Let us therefore implicate
Farcrook the son of Lawal in this
matter.
18) So they sent a certain rich
man from the West by the name
Otedollar, and he took Farcrook
into his house and gave him some
money, that he may alter the
report which he had set before
the people.
19) And it was that Otedollar went
before an assembly of the people
and said unto them, trust ye this
man who said we stole from the
treasury? Surely he is one of us,
for he came unto me in the
middle of the night, and he left
with his pockets full of money.
20) And the people where
amazed, and their hearts bled, for
Farcrook was a man in whom
they had to their trust.
21) So Farcrook arose, and said;
Otedollar is my briber, I did not
request. He maketh me to sit
down in his Maitama house; he
leadeth me beside the chilled
champagne.
22) He exploited me greed; he
leadeth me in the paths of marked
dollars for subsidy’s sake.
23) Yea, though I walk through
the valley of the shadow of EFCC, I
will fear no arrest: for bribes are
with me; my loots and my
kickbacks they comfort me.
24) Thou preparest the dollars
before me, in the presence of the
SSS: thou anointest my mouth
with wine; my pocket runneth
over.
25) Surely the shame and
reproach shall follow me all the
days of my life, but I will dwell in
the house of PDP forever and ever.
26) And the people wept, but
there was no one to console
them.