I’ve been staring at my writing pad for some minutes trying to decide the best opening for this kind of note. I just couldn’t reach a conclusion because I am mad, very mad. I am mad about all these noises about relationship issues everywhere. Virtually every singles’ gathering, be it a conference, camp meeting, seminar, etc. turns out to be a forum about relationship issues.

And candidly speaking I think ladies are just stretching this thing far way out of proportion. It’s high time we started telling ourselves the truth. I may not be a relationship expert but I think for someone who studies people I have something to say. And I will not hesitate to say it.

I don’t write on relationship issues. Not because I have never done any study on it or because I don’t read books about relationships, I have quite a few on my shelf, but because I think virtually every street now has someone who claims to be a relationship expert. So, why go into an area that is already crowded when there are other areas that very few are addressing, like personal leadership?

But even though I don’t write about relationship issues, some people, particularly ladies, still seek my counsel on issues bothering on this area. And I find myself chatting with some of these ladies late into the night trying to fix issues. I remember, not too long ago, actually fixing a 3:00am appointment with one lady, just because someone broke her heart.

So, ladies, I want you to listen very closely to what I am about to say. You are the primary target of this note. With more than three decades of living on earth I have seen some things and experienced some more. I have broken hearts and got my heart broken, too. It’s called LIFE so deal with it. The only assumption I will be making here is that the lady reading this note is a Christian. Every other thing said in this note is not an assumption. I am going to be real and raw.

Sex. Under the right atmosphere, more than ninety percent of Christian guys will ask you for sex at one point or another during the relationship. Let this sink into your head. No matter how spiritual you think we are, more than ninety percent of us, spiritual brothers, will not mind having sex if you will allow us, even more so when we are truly in love with you. So just deal with this now as you are in that relationship. This idea of painting guys as monsters because they asked for it is just plain stupidity. You break up with one because he asked for sex; there is a ninety percent chance that the next one will ask for it also. What you should do is to find a way to say NO until you are married to him.

All those complaints you make when you call the radio stations at midnight crying over spilt milk counts for nothing. He was a very serious Christian, so when you passed the night in his place you never thought he would ask for sex. You were surprised that he did but because you loved him you let him have sex with you and now, eight months later, the relationship ended. He used you and dumped you. Sweetheart, he did not break up with you because he had sex with you eight months ago. He broke up with you for some other reasons. So, please, stop the old ‘use and dump’ story. The world has moved past there.

Heartbreaks. The last three guys you dated broke up with you after you had invested so much in the relationship(s). Because of that all guys are now the same. Any guy that comes your way again must pay for the hurt the past guys caused you. Listen, if you believe all guys are the same because the past three guys you dated failed you, don't you think the statistics on which that assumption is based upon is too inconsequential for such a far reaching conclusion? Don’t make guys who had nothing to do with your past now pay for the failures of your past.

What you get in life is a function of your beliefs. What you see is what you get. If you believe there are no good guys out there you will never see one come your way. All you will keep getting will be those same types so your belief can be authenticated. The universe will always authenticate your beliefs. You believe all guys cheat, then, guys that cheat will keep coming your way so you can go around saying, “I said so.”

Unfortunately, there is only one specie of being you can get married to and that specie is called ‘Man’. That means you only have one option here. Find out what YOU did wrong in the past relationship(s), fix it, and believe your next relationship will be different from the former one(s). You can only control what YOU do, not what the other party did, so fix your area. And believe the best for the next relationship. And even if the next one fails again, believe that the one after that will work out.

Like I said, you don’t have any other option but to keep believing that things will turn out right. This means you MUST keep putting your best in the relationship. Some of you go into new relationships with an invisible axe and at any slight strain you severe the relationship yourselves. That is just so wrong. I remember a lady who once posted on her wall that ladies should enter into new relationships with parachutes so they can jump out when things get rough. I don’t need a prophet to tell me that that lady does not have a man in her life. Ladies with that kind of mindset can NEVER find and keep a man.

The day you stop believing that things will turn out right for you, you’ve accepted defeat already. And even God can no longer help your case. You become emotionally withdrawn and are no longer willing to invest in any other relationship. The question is, ‘how does that help you?’ And you never know, maybe the next one would have worked out. So, please, never give up on yourself.

Some ladies have written me saying they wished their parents would just find a man for them to save them from all these stresses. So they can just be Mrs. Somebody. This kind of mindset, also, will not help you. In fact, ladies with this kind of mindset have accepted defeat already. What they are saying is that they don’t believe in themselves and they don’t believe that God loves them.

Not every lady will end up marrying the first guy she dated. I have met some who did but they are very few. And just because five guys have failed you do not mean you will never find the right guy, get married and be fulfilled in your marriage. Never write yourself off.

The other type of heart break is the more painful one. You’ve been with this guy for five years and just when you thought you were going to tie things up, he said you were just friends. This is a classic example of the ‘Undefined Relationship.’ Please stop acting like you’ve never seen it happen. If you’ve not, then it’s because you’ve not been exposed enough. The Yorubas say, “If you travel far enough you will find a squirrel with a hunchback.” This kind of heartbreak is the worst kind of heartbreak any lady can go through. It hurts, it really does.

But, sweetheart, I won’t be doing you any favour if I hide the truth from you. You cannot solve a problem that is not in the room. Accept responsibility for that failed, undefined relationship. Instead of placing a label on all guys that we are wicked, heartless, and any other adjective you chose to use, just tell yourself that you made a mistake and will never allow it to repeat itself again. Placing a tag on all guys will not solve the problem. So, focus on your area of control and that is you again.

Decide now, how long you will ‘just be friends’ with any guy who is beginning to show the signs of being interested in you, after which, a proper definition must be given to the friendship. Will it be 3months? 6months? Whatever! Just make sure you don’t repeat the previous mistake. There is nothing wrong in sitting a guy down after three months of frequent visits to your place and asking him to state clearly where the friendship is going to. There is nothing wrong in that.

Like I said at the beginning, I am not a relationship expert. You have every right to accept or reject what I have written. But this is just my candid advice to ladies.

The one whom Jesus loves,
Mute Efe
+234-803-874-9796
www.facebook.com/mutehimself

I thought I submitted this write-up in the literature/writing section.

[sub][/sub]Have you read this note?