Hello all, i'm new 2 d board and its gud 2 find a helpful n fun place 2 communicate wid each other. Well straight 2 d point. I've got a big problem wid my love life, i'm Yoruba, born in england - sent 2 school in naija but ive been back in england 4 d last 7 yrs. I have/had a girlfriend who i've been wid for 3yrs and a bit we've always planned on getting married its jst sumtin dat was d next step, we're d perfect couple (well in our eyes neway), she's Igbo - born and breed in the Uk, but she lived in naija 4 abt 2yrs when she wuz much younga. Well my point is we r not thoroughly breed nigerians who have spent their whole lives there, we cant see the differences in tribes as much as our parents do.

2 cut d story short, her father has recently told her that he would never give her away 2 a yoruba person, he is dead serious, my parents arent bothered about who i marry they are more liberal in a sense. They just want 2 know who d person is and know their character and sort oif family they are from, which i think is as far as it should go. Anyway her dad is saying no way 2 yoruba, funny thing is they are 5 in the family and none of the other kids have gone anywhere near nigerians in terms of marriage, so u would think he would be happy that she wants 2 marry 1 @ least!!! Well i cant blame him or be angry @ him, she's his only daughter, d last born, who can blame him, he would naturally want 2 protect his daughter. But proterct his daughter from wot? Wots wrng wid yoruba? Why don't Yoruba and igbo mix? Wots d history or reason 4 all dis?

Well i just wana know, is dis a common occurence, ne one wid experience of dis? Is there any advice on handling d situation? Do i just walk away or fight on, cuz i really do lover her, n its painful cuz we're seperatd jst bcuz of dat,

Your story reminds me of my situation, although we are not as progressed in the relationship as you and your girl.

i was born in the US, my mom is not Nigerian, and when I told my father I was dating a Yoruba man, he exclaimed "Lord Have Mercy!!!". My family is still trying to fix me up with Ibo men although they know i am in a relationship.

I asked my dad why he said that, he told me that the two tribes don't see eye to eye, they don't take of their wives as well as Ibo men, and they marry a lot of women. My aunt told me it was better to be with an Ibo man, because,  well i don't want to say why,  but she took it back to the Biafra War,  so some of you may have an idea of what she said,

if it is meant to be with you and your girl,  it will happen,  if not,  then you will understand why.

go and talk with the father really and talk to your girl to let her dad know she doesn't love anybody else, there is nothing wrong in yoruba ppl the dad is simply unkind, he didn't know this is England that you get to meet ppl from diffrent background he is not applying the thinking faculty of a person that lives in a developed country, what's now the different between him and a nijan mesuya.

i can marry yoruba if i want, because i understood yoruba like anything and my mom or dad woun't tell me not to marry a yoruba lady if thats what i want to marry.

And they have this kind of respect !

that's what i'm talking about

smartsoft<---- its kinda diff 4 u! U're a guy. I believe a gal can't just get up n say oh no, im gonna marry so n so. And she's d only gal on top of dat!

Well she loves her dad dearly and she has tried but he keeps saying no, its d sort of situation where u want 2 please both parties but someone in d end has to give or b let down. Her father is kinda old, so causing any heartache 4 him would really tear her apart. @ times we tot abt jst sayn **** it n go on 2 do wot we wnt, @ d end of d day im nt gonna marry her dad! But d ting we realize is, marriage aint no little ting and in life 4 such tings i believe it is vital, extremely important 2 get d blessings of d parents on both sides! When u marry, in a sense u marry d family aswell (no literally obvsly) No blessings could cuz probs, if parents curse or dnt bless thier kids i believe it could really catch up wid u n come round and bite u in d *** when ur nt lookn. So no rebeling over here, jst lookn 4 a way of changing his mind, but dats difficult cuz dewd doesnt even want 2 meet me!

My heart was just touched by the experiences of u people caught in parental disapproval for marrying the love of your lives because of different ethnic backgrounds.Its so unfortunate.I have seen many of such marriages and happy ones at that.My coz is married to an Ibo lady(am yoruba) and they are happy for more than 15yrs.I mean almost every everybody would have seen such.I use to crack jokes about some married women in a place I worked in Lagos.The one that was Mrs Azubuike was a yoruba woman,the one that was Mrs Ikubo was an Ibo woman.And they are happy in their respective marriages.
One expect that your parents after staying outside Nigeria and mixing with other people would at least be more open minded but its not always so.While living among other people make other people to be more accommodating and less prejudicial,sadly for others it does just the opposite.On the other hand u could find people with limited exposure in Nigeria accepting cross cultural marriages.Talking about the civil war and what not is just pathetic.
It depends on u,some of our parents cave in when they see our resolve in even things like this,u could try to make them see reason and hopely with prayers they would come round to  allowing u  pursue your own destiny.

This is a difficult one, I'm a product of an Igbo/Yoruba marriage, My dad Yoruba, my mum Igbo, though i consider myself full Yoruba(proudly said!!!) . Growing up was not the easiest, for one, my mum's side of the family did not approve of the union, my dad's side of the family was too proud and would'nt back down. Guess what, its been over 30 years now, mum and dad still in love like teenagers .

It all boils down to your determination and love for one another, If her father does not approve now, i don't see him changing his mind for anything in the world. You two just have to stick together try and bring her mum to your side. Depending on where you choose to raise your kids, there is always going to be side taking and rejection from one side or the other. The relationship is still strained but we try and work around it.

thx 2 every1 so far who has responded, will try 2 stride 2wards an amicable agreement,
p.s desiree r u in UKC??

carbonate:

thx 2 everyone so far who has responded, will try 2 stride 2wards an amicable agreement,
p.s desiree r u in UKC??

Nope, Why did you ask?

^^^ wuz jst wondering, know sum1 dat wnt there. Been there a couple of times. Well thx 4 ur advice, home girl is listening to dads views more n more so wots a guy 2 do but wait n c wot happens,

Jehovah's witnesses can marry from any tribe.As long as the partner is a wit ness.White/black.Any one.

Just work on the relationship a little bit and you should be fine. The Dad may show some resentment, but once you warm up to the family and they see those qualities that their daughter is in love with, they'll come along with the idea. The root cause is ignorance of each others culture but times are changing, and eventually you'll not be judged by your tribe but how compatible you are down the road.

You don’t have an ace here but you can play a sentimental card. See the father (without her daughter) tell him about your feeling for the daughter and your understanding of the cultural difference and other stereotyping. Tell him that you and your girl have talked about them and believe you can overcome. Tell him that his blessing of the union is most important to you _{then drop you card} tell him that without his blessing you will not marry his daughter _{(you don't really mean it).} You will put him on the defensive and he will request for time to think about it. YOU HAVE WON the case. Good Luck!

Thx Kajad will try, nutin to lose so will give it a try!

I am Ibo married to a Yoruba man. The issue we had at first was religion, he is a Muslim and i am catholic but hey i told my family its him or no one else and we got married. So its really up to you and your girl. Let her have a talk with her dad and tell him how she feels about you. If all fails, just pray about it and let God do the rest. What will be will be, no matter what trials and tribulations you encounter. Take it one day at a time.

well it is very unforunate, I don't know how it is in Yoruba land but in igbo per se, the family is very vital in marriage, It is like you are marring the whole family both da extended ones, pray harder

If u both really love each other, then I believe wat u're going thru is small compare to wat y'all are still gonna face. U gotta fight for wat's urs. Both of u shld sit and talk it over if u can handle the heat from her folks and really wanna take the relationship a step further.
all the best guy!

We have come a long way and it's time your GF's dad realize that. he needs to be able to put whatever reservations he has behind, move on and let his daughter do what she sees is best for her. I can't believe that in this day and age, some people still hold this beliefs. We know the differences are there, but I have also seen a lot of Ibo/Yoruba marriages. What should matter is the love and respect the parties have for each other. It should be pointed out that that you will see more of the Yoruba guy/Ibo girl relationships rather than the reverse though.

This is a tough topic. I really do feel for you carbonate. I'm going through the same thing as we speak. I'm an igbo lady who has been with the love of my life (he is yoruba) for more than five years. We were brought up in England - without the traditional values as well. The funny thing, my father knows about the relationship, and liked my finace from the very start. When I told him we were thinking about marriage he said, "NO WAY!!" I have tried speaking to him on many ocassions, and my finace wants to speak to him also but I know it will just make things worse. Apart from my brothers and sister, the rest of the family forbids this to go ahead. I'm absolutley horrified by his behaviour, he has given me false hopes, and he at least should understand after his marriage to my mother (igbo) ended in separation. For me, I believe in doing what makes me happy, and if we're not meant to be God will let us know. If I suddenly back down and agree with my father, he has won - and he might as well find an igbo guy for me to marry.

You need to be strong for each other. If your girl wants to be with you, and she knows in her mind, soul and heart it's the right thing, she'll know what to do. One can not be happy because their life is being dictated for them. All the best - Good luck!!

Hotstepper:

well it is very unforunate, I don't know how it is in Yoruba land but in igbo per se, the family is very vital in marriage, It is like you are marring the whole family both da extended ones, pray harder

It is the same. I've lived in the South-west of Nigeria for many years, and in Yoruba land, you do NOT just marry the man, you also "marry" the whole family, as well, both the immediate & extended one. As a wife, you are expected to show utmost respect to your in-laws. In some communities, the wife is not even allowed to call her husband's sibling by their first name. She is expected to call them Aunty or Uncle or some kind of title, in order to show them utmost respect.

My advice to the guy? Pray, and show your girl utmost care, love & devotion. Some folks may want to tell her negative things about you & your tribe. It is only the assurance of your love & good conduct, that will give her the boldness to stay in that relationship with you & will give her an answer to the detractors.

I don't have problem calling people older than me uncle and aunt but no way in you no what will i ever call anyone younger than me aunt or uncle from my husbands or my side of the family and thats a big NEVER!

babe1:

I don't have problem calling people older than me uncle and aunt but no way in you no what will i ever call anyone younger than me aunt or uncle from my husbands or my side of the family and thats a big NEVER!

It all depends on the family you marry into, in Yoruba land. Some families are really broad-minded & don't care if you call them, by their first names. A few others are really conservative & would insist that you refer to your husband's younger siblings (who are within your age range), as Sister X or brother Y. Those who are much younger than you, are exempted from this rule.

Respect begets respect, my dear. If you show them respect, they will do the same to you. Period.

Bossman:

We have come a long way and it's time your GF's dad realize that. he needs to be able to put whatever reservations he has behind, move on and let his daughter do what she sees is best for her. I can't believe that in this day and age, some people still hold this beliefs. We know the differences are there, but I have also seen a lot of Ibo/Yoruba marriages. What should matter is the love and respect the parties have for each other. It should be pointed out that that you will see more of the Yoruba guy/Ibo girl relationships rather than the reverse though.

@bossman:
it is easier said than done, i guess u arent nigerian, cos our parents really value and cherish their so called beliefs abt intertribal marriage.

in all sincerity, i really sympathsize with carbonate, the issue of intertribal marriages has left more youths devastated.
for example my parents will never consent to me marrying someone other than a yoruba guy,
they gave all sorts of reason which all borne down to outdated culture , beief,and tradition. sometimes i try hard to adhere and see reasons with them but i dont just get it and i dont want to go against their wishes cos a parents blessing is very paramount in ones life. of wat good will it be if i marry against their wish and nobody from my family comes to grace the wedding.
i have accepted to date a yoruba guy, but i will not pass this to my kids.

@Ronke,

Have you tried to appeal to them? What have you done to change their mind? Simply folding your arms isn't going to turn the tide.

And a lot of parents have been known to change their minds, after they have gotten more information, about their child's prospective spouse. Sometimes, time also steps in, to mellow their views.

A friend of mine was told by her father, when she was 26, that she couldn't marry a guy from a certain tribe. She protested, but he was adamant. When she clocked 32, her parents started to panic, that she would end up on the shelf. By this time, all her younger sisters were married. They actually gave her an ultimatum, that she shouldn't celebrate her next birthday, under their roof.

Well, she replied that when she intoduced her former guy to them, they objected based on his tribe. What did they now expect her to do? All the guys that have tried to date her since then, have also been from other tribes. Do her parents know what destiny God has in store for her? Reluctantly, her parents changed their minds. So she married a chap from outside their clan. Today, the young lady is quite happy & her family gets along well with her husband.

carbonate

let me give it to u straight, im an igbo girl who my father has sworn up and down that i shouldnt marry anything but igbo, the love of my life is from edo state and that is final, tell ur sweet heart that igbo fathers cherish and i mean cherish their daughters to the grave, so even if she married bin laden he would never disown her. TRUST ME ON THIS ONE.

now as for the reasons y igbo and youruba people dislike each other is of no concern to u, because TRUST ME ON THIS ONE, it wont help your situation. i would also advice u to have ur sweet heart read this thread so it willl give her some strenght in making her decision. Just TRUST ME ON THIS ONE, no matter how much hot air that man blows, he is not disowning her. He will give in, in the end. Fathers always do.

oh by the way

because igbo men cherish their daughters they do have hte tendency to beat up the men that mess with their girls, so u better treat that one right. Igbo men are no joke ok, plus with four older brothers im sure u know the drill, but have fun, and u will marry her, just the folks, they will get over it

love is all that matters

finemocha:

He will give in, in the end. Fathers always do.

Na true talk oo. When my dad says something he never changes his words no matter what (he's soo stubborn) but at the end of the day I'll still do my own thing one way or another. Dads simply have a weakness for daughters.


Getting back to the real issue now, how well does her father know you? Try to play smart on this. As this girl loves you so much I am sure you have a special charm. Then try to charm her daddy too! See him for dinner, talk to him, see what his hobbies are and try to become his friend. It sounds like an impossible thing but hey, Rome wasn't built in a day! Let the man see beyond your 'yoruba etiquette' and show him how much you cherish his only baby daughter! Learn a bit about marketing and 'advertise yourself'!

laudate:

It all depends on the family you marry into, in Yoruba land. Some families are really broad-minded & don't care if you call them, by their first names. A few others are really conservative & would insist that you refer to your husband's younger siblings (who are within your age range), as Sister X or brother Y. Those who are much younger than you, are exempted from this rule.

Wow Laudate !! that is exactly how it is in Yoruba land !! 

I really respect you for telling it like it is and not spreading lies about yoruba culture like others do on nairaland. Within my family, you will find folks that are really conservative and insist on not being called by name, you will also find folks that are very liberal and could care less about that.

I really do appreciate your sincerity 

laudate:

Respect begets respect, my dear. If you show them respect, they will do the same to you. Period.

For this statement alone, you get an A +++

"serves you right for not buying a Mercedes Benz"

If you want to impress the Igbo man, SPEND!. . .No Igbo man wants his daughter married to a pauper or a rich man who does not like to spend on the wife. SPEND stupendously and you'll get your Igbo woman, it's really that simple.

We have come a long way and it's time your GF's dad realize that. he needs to be able to put whatever reservations he has behind, move on and let his daughter do what she sees is best for her. I can't believe that in this day and age, some people still hold this beliefs. We know the differences are there, but I have also seen a lot of Ibo/Yoruba marriages. What should matter is the love and respect the parties have for each other. It should be pointed out that that you will see more of the Yoruba guy/Ibo girl relationships rather than the reverse though.

I wonder WHY!