PalestianIsrael:


Her visa is tied to mine and she would be shooting herself in the foot as well, maybe we’ll both go home. At this point, I can’t rule out anything from her. I have seen insanity face to face. So sad that I used to judge men in my position in the past, meanwhile the wife is literally instigating the violence by struggling, slapping, bringing knives (poking me with the knife) etc. and anything resulting from struggle/self-defence is called assault. It’s utterly ridiculous. I have minor cuts all over and my body is aching me from slaps and blows.

People have said alot and I hardly advise on relationship issues and hardly subscribe to auto divorce. But your story has alarm bells ringing.

But from your post, 4 things strike me
1. You are having significant issues this early which in this country would many times would get worse
2. It seems you guys are still newly married.
3. You have no kids
4. You are the visa sponsor.

The last 3 points are to your advantage. The way you painted her black without taking standing up to where you got it wrong makes me think you lack insight and I wonder about compatibility. No need claiming right. You cannot live with everyone but you can salvage whats left and learn lessons for the future. You don't want to end up with a life of misery possibly paying a mortgage for a house you don't live in aside your own rent and then child support for your kids while your ex-wife is boyfriending with another. Of course, regretting everyday the day you met her.

You need to make a decision quick and until then, avoid making kids. If you split now, she would need to look for another sponsor or get a visa herself. In the meantime until things are clear, moving out might be a better option, keep evidence discretely and definitely avoid hitting her.

In summary, if e no work, take a walk. You might not get a better opportunity.

PalestianIsrael:
Hi Elders,

Had to create a new account to hide my identity.

Need urgent advice. Domestic Violence.


I’m really confused. Please help!!!

She’s probably feeling lonely in a strange country.

She’s all you have and most likely venting all on you.

Invest more time in supporting your wife emotionally.

Take time off from work, Travel together.

Christian or Muslim ? , seek counseling and pray together.

Don’t involve the Police yet


Why not start all over again with your wife, just like old times when you first met her.

Thank you very much for this response. God bless you for being so kind with your words.

jedisco:


They change it from time to time. During covid, it was relaxed. Later brought back and relaxed again until end of August.


Paying for COS is not advisable but from an economic standpoint, I hardly see the difference between that and loads of people who pay much more for an obscure masters and then end up working in or paying for another COS in the care sector. Most Nigerians who pay huge sums for masters do that for the sole purpose of migration. From most, the direct care route would be a better option.

What you could do is try and target NHS HCA/support roles in acute or mental health trusts that ere eligible for sponsorship. Also, might be worth checking if your original sponsor can second you to another agency with vacancies. The second agency then pays you through your sponsor.

Also see if you can use your free time to learn some trade that you could do as a side job for your 20hrs when you get an NHS sponsored role. In the end, you'd be allright.

Apparently, POF fraud is rife among Chinese students.

rayralph:
Apparently, POF fraud is rife among Chinese students.

Lots of other nationalities do exactly what Nigerians do.. Difference is that they know how to seal their lips

rayralph:


She’s probably feeling lonely in a strange country.

She’s all you have and most likely venting all on you.

Invest more time in supporting your wife emotionally.

Take time off from work, Travel together.

Christian or Muslim ? , seek counseling and pray together.

Don’t involve the Police yet


Why not start all over again with your wife, just like old times when you first met her.

@PalestianIsrael:
Hear! Hear!!

Do an introspection. You are not faultless. Is it possible that you are the visa sponsor. You work. She works too. Your work is really energy-sapping, hers is (energy-sapping)^10…. (For those who hated maths (like me), that means Energy-sapping raised to the power of 10.

You get home, you are tired. She is very tired too. She needs some help in the Kitchen, but you are in the sitting room, pressing phone and browsing internet .

She painfully prepares the meal, still very fatigued. You are still pressing phone.
She asks for help, you ignore…’Afterall I’m the husband, she is the wife.

Then later in the night, you want to turn her into a construction site, for ‘construction work’.

Because she is the wife, who is expected to be loyal, she succumbs. You get up, go on top. Your entire 70+Kg on her. You construct your construction. Discharge akamu. Snore off to sleep.

6:00 am, both of you go off to work.

9:00 pm, you return home.

She is still carrying over the fatigue from yesterday. You too is tired.
She asked for some help to prepare dinner. You ignore. You keep pressing phone. And smiling. And chatting with friends and well wishers. She is there, all very lonely. In a new country. No friends no mates.

She asks you to please drop the phone and give her some attention. You totally ignore.

10:00 pm, she hasn’t served dinner. You are boiling within. But you still kept pressing phone.

She let out her vexation, and tell you how wicked you are.
…. And everything escalated.


PS:
The scenario above is mine.
As someone who came to the UK a couple of years ago, the above is roughly my experience.
I thought my wife had grown horns, because while we were newly married in Nigeria, she was always cooking diners making breakfast. Packaging lunch for me to take to work.

When we arrived UK, she ‘denied’ me all those. It was rough at first. But (to the Glory of God), here we are today, >12 years in marriage. Understanding ourselves and progressing together, as a couple.

BeckyB1:
Thank you very much for this response. God bless you for being so kind with your words.

Hang in there....

Fact is many coming in via care route would in 5 years be better off than the a good number paying thousands for masters. The introduction and success of psw has shown that the economic viability of many masters programmes is the 2 yr work opportunity they give. In the end, most migrants pay in search of a better life.
Also remember with care your visa fees are less, sponsorship more liberal and you don't have to pay IHS.

There are bottle necks, but know your strengths and leverage.
If married, you can seek any sponsored role job in the NHS. The NHS has good maternity leave allowance and pay. Most of your 5 years (before ilr) could be spent on mat leave. Your partner OTOH, would have the free room to work wherever. With certain roles, he could set up and work via a limited company which is significantly more tax efficient when planned well.

If single, maximise that and don't be hesitant to move (even outside). Most masters students would pick up jobs in the towns they live. You could move to other counties with more need. Irrespective of the poor pay, with care you can work virtually unlimited hours with your main sponsor - an opportunity many other roles lack. You could target less stressful roles. The visa numbers might soon be culled and vacancies would reappear. Looks for ways to upskill- there are an increasing number of opportunities which keep opening up e.g teaching recently. You could work your way from a carer to a HCA to a nurse. Now, there is a push towards apprenticeship and folks can work as a HCA and at same time train to be a nurse (visa limitations might apply). In mental health, work is less and pay is more. You can better target your approach once in the system. Network and very importantly, have a driven clique of friends.

This country has opportunities. Target them.

RalphJean:



Then later in the night, you want to turn her into a construction site, for ‘construction work’.

Because she is the wife, who is expected to be loyal, she succumbs. You get up, go on top. Your entire 70+Kg on her. You construct your construction. Discharge akamu. Snore off to sleep.

.

Are you sure you want to make heaven with this illustration

rayralph:


She’s probably feeling lonely in a strange country.

Not one person has addressed Madam's physical abuse, the marks on Ogas body and body pain. Im starting to see "toxic masculinity" kinikan up there too. Issorai

If it was the other way round, na so so call police, call police we go dey hear

Me I'll Sha advice Oga to snap pictures, record audio too and videos, keep in the cloud and make a report to the police before anything

hustla:




Not one person has addressed Madam's physical abuse, the marks on Ogas body and body pain. Im starting to see "toxic masculinity" kinikan up there too. Issorai

If it was the other way round, na so so call police, call police we go dey hear

Me I'll Sha advice Oga to snap pictures, record audio too and videos, keep in the cloud and make a report to the police before anything

The poster explained things in a way that made him look faultless. He already said a lot of things the wife did wrong, but what about his own faults?
People are just trying to make him realize that he is not entirely right too.
Not supporting domestic violence but there are two sides to every story. There is every possibility that his wife's side of the story will be entirely different from what the poster wrote.

@PalestianIsrael

What started the whole issue?

Stenvee:

The poster explained things in a way that made him look faultless. He already said a lot of things the wife did wrong, but what about his own faults?
People are just trying to make him realize that he is not entirely right too.
Not supporting domestic violence but there is every possibility that his wife's side of the story will be entirely different from what the poster wrote.

LOL You're still saying the same thing. No one's saying he's entirely right, they're just ignoring the domestic violence part he has mentioned.
For his own sake, He should document what's going on before its too late. Police and the world will always listen to women first

.. That's the singular thing that saved Dr Olufunmilayo on Twitter this year. The woman that was abusing him went and filed with the police that he r*ped her. Just Google the story and you'll see why Im saying things from this standpoint

If not for documentation, Baba would have been sacked

hustla:




Not one person has addressed Madam's physical abuse, the marks on Ogas body and body pain. Im starting to see "toxic masculinity" kinikan up there too. Issorai

If it was the other way round, na so so call police, call police we go dey hear

Me I'll Sha advice Oga to snap pictures, record audio too and videos, keep in the cloud and make a report to the police before anything

.

PalestianIsrael:



First time…push and struggle.
Second time…slaps and blows.
Third time…madam brought knives saying I should make the work easier.

.

Just wait till she discovers the police /social worker route..

Try to make things work, address her complains but document what is happening... Because if she takes it further, you go explain tire, no evidence

RalphJean:


@PalestianIsrael:
Hear! Hear!!

Do an introspection. You are not faultless. Is it possible that you are the visa sponsor. You work. She works too. Your work is really energy-sapping, hers is (energy-sapping)^10…. (For those who hated maths (like me), that means Energy-sapping raised to the power of 10.

You get home, you are tired. She is very tired too. She needs some help in the Kitchen, but you are in the sitting room, pressing phone and browsing internet .

She painfully prepares the meal, still very fatigued. You are still pressing phone.
She asks for help, you ignore…’Afterall I’m the husband, she is the wife.

Then later in the night, you want to turn her into a construction site, for ‘construction work’.

Because she is the wife, who is expected to be loyal, she succumbs. You get up, go on top. Your entire 70+Kg on her. You construct your construction. Discharge akamu. Snore off to sleep.

6:00 am, both of you go off to work.

9:00 pm, you return home.

She is still carrying over the fatigue from yesterday. You too is tired.
She asked for some help to prepare dinner. You ignore. You keep pressing phone. And smiling. And chatting with friends and well wishers. She is there, all very lonely. In a new country. No friends no mates.

She asks you to please drop the phone and give her some attention. You totally ignore.

10:00 pm, she hasn’t served dinner. You are boiling within. But you still kept pressing phone.

She let out her vexation, and tell you how wicked you are.
…. And everything escalated.


PS:
The scenario above is mine.
As someone who came to the UK a couple of years ago, the above is roughly my experience.
I thought my wife had grown horns, because while we were newly married in Nigeria, she was always cooking diners making breakfast. Packaging lunch for me to take to work.

When we arrived UK, she ‘denied’ me all those. It was rough at first. But (to the Glory of God), here we are today, >12 years in marriage. Understanding ourselves and progressing together, as a couple.

This scenario is what 99% relationship going through me too included and women reacts differently to it based on level of understanding of both partners.

abuhusna1:

This scenario is what 99% relationship going through me too included and women reacts differently to it based on level of understanding of both partners.

You guys are derailing the thread with all this relationship talk. @Justwise please do the needful

Joking, couldn't resist 😂😂

jedisco:


People have said alot and I hardly advise on relationship issues and hardly subscribe to auto divorce. But your story has alarm bells ringing.

But from your post, 4 things strike me
1. You are having significant issues this early which in this country would many times would get worse
2. It seems you guys are still newly married.
3. You have no kids
4. You are the visa sponsor.

The last 3 points are to your advantage. The way you painted her black without taking standing up to where you got it wrong makes me think you lack insight and I wonder about compatibility. No need claiming right. You cannot live with everyone but you can salvage whats left and learn lessons for the future. You don't want to end up with a life of misery possibly paying a mortgage for a house you don't live in aside your own rent and then child support for your kids while your ex-wife is boyfriending with another. Of course, regretting everyday you met.

You need to make a decision quick and until then, avoid making kids. If you split now, she would need to look for another sponsor or get a visa herself. In the meantime until things are clear, moving out might be a better option, keep evidence discretely and definitely avoid hitting her.

In summary, if e no work, take a walk. You might not get a better opportunity.

@ the bold.

How true?

I can understand the child support but the mortgage?

Really?

Does that happen?

PalestianIsrael:



First time…push and struggle.
Second time…slaps and blows.
Third time…madam brought knives saying I should make the work easier .


Need to get out while I’m still alive. Crazy world.

You see why I always Insist that there are 2 sides to every story?

From the ‘horse’s mouth’: Madam did not bring the knives to attack him. She brought the knives to give them to him to ququma kill her.
In other words, she prefers him to kill her physically by stabbing her to death, rather than the pain of the emotional abuse (her thoughts) that he is subjecting her to.

Bro. I am a man like you. I am not ‘siding’ with the wife. I kid you not, your story is similar, very similar to my experience 8-months after arriving the UK. And like I said, it’s >10 years and we’re still married.
Don’t give up on her. That emotional support she craves, it’s within you to meet her at the point of her need.

I sincerely believe you can still make things work, if you put your heart/mind/resources to it.

I am happy to ‘unmask’ myself from this faceless forum, and share experiences with you. I am jus my a DM away.

Zahra29:


You guys are derailing the thread with all this relationship talk. @Justwise please do the needful

Joking, couldn't resist 😂😂

Move the topic to Romance section?

PalestianIsrael:
Hi Elders,

Had to create a new account to hide my identity.

Need urgent advice. Domestic Violence.

I’m male based in UK.
Wife and I have been having arguments/fights.
Things have gotten physically unfortunately.
I don’t initiate it.
She says I trigger her by being on my own when we quarrel about couple issues or when I’m with my phone. She’s told me to leave the house. When I come back at night to sleep or when I’m using my phone/laptop around her, she will come and disturb me and start struggling with phone etc. She has smashed my phone. She has fought with me. Things are so bad she will bring out knives and say I should just stab her or use it to hurt her since my silence is “emotional stabbing” to her.
Our physical struggles lead to bites, cuts etc. on each of us. I repeat, I keep running away or holding myself (absorbing slaps and knife pokes etc.)

Long story short, this has happened too much. At least 3 or more occasions. I no longer feel safe. I think we need to separate while things escalate to our families etc. for reconciliation/solution.

Challenge is:
- we are on Tier 2 visa. I’m main applicant, she’s spouse. We both work.
- newly weds, no kids
- shame of failed marriage etc.
- we share a flat. Our lease is up, we are just paying a rolling month on month. That can be cancelled with 30 days notice.

I need advice from Elders who have either experienced similar issues or know people that have. We bought have pictures of the injuries we inflicted to each other as ammunition if things escalate to police.

I’m really confused. Please help!!!

First thing first OP, find a safe haven. You should move out for your safety and hers as well. Then speak with some people that are close to you both for interventions. If you're a Christian, get the church elders and pastors involved, if muslim, get your alfas and imams involved. Also get a marriage counselor to speak with both if you. If it seems like its not going to work out, then file for a divorce. Its not worth losing your lives. Play the calm one to de-escalate whatever tension that's brewing in your home. I know this is a tough nut to chew as some spouses tend to turn beasts in human form when they move down abroad.

Zahra29:


You guys are derailing the thread with all this relationship talk. @Justwise please do the needful

Joking, couldn't resist 😂😂

Oh dearest @Zahra29.
I think I saw you in Machester last week. Wearing blue dress & a Blue ribbon.
This morning, I saw MissJekyll in Liverpool, wearing a red dress & a red ribbon.

Greetings.

igbsam:


First thing first OP, find a safe haven. You should move out for your safety and hers as well. Then speak with some people that are close to you both for interventions. If you're a Christian, get the church elders and pastors involved, if muslim, get your alfas and imams involved. Also get a marriage counselor to speak with both if you. If it seems like its not going to work out, then file for a divorce. Its not worth losing your lives. Play the calm one to de-escalate whatever tension that's brewing in your home. I know this is a tough nut to chew as some spouses tend to turn beasts in human form when they move down abroad.

Probably the worst set of people to involve. @palestineisrael please meet a professional counselor if you have to, not these people mentioned here.

rayralph:


She’s probably feeling lonely in a strange country.

She’s all you have and most likely venting all on you.

Invest more time in supporting your wife emotionally.

Take time off from work, Travel together.

Christian or Muslim ? , seek counseling and pray together.

Don’t involve the Police yet


Why not start all over again with your wife, just like old times when you first met her.

Take this advice

Raalsalghul:


@ the bold.

How true?

I can understand the child support but the mortgage?

Really?

Does that happen?

Divorces here are no joke especially when there's a good income difference and kids are involved.

Not a lawyer but for well established marriages, the target for a legal split is 50:50 of marital possessions. Even your pensions and isa accumulated after marriage are not exempt.

To the house, though there might be a 50:50 equity split awarded, priority is always given to the kids. The kids will usually be allowed to stay in the house moreso if they're established there.
Your partner might buy you out of the mortgage or you both can sell and go separate ways. If she refuses, it's very unlikely a Judge would give an order mandating sale when kids are involved. That means as the other partner, even though you may have 50% equity in the house, you may not be able to sell until kids turn 18 or leave.

In the meantime, you would need to rent your place and banks will chase whoevers name is on the mortgage to keep up with payments. All this is aside child maintenance which goes primarily to the partner with main custody. If you're unlucky and have domestic violence pinned on you, another gbese as your alloted time might be culled. Of course, either of you can have a new relationship while all this is going on.

If you have good earning potential and a vast difference from your partner, a divorce can leave you wrinsed

dustydee:

Probably the worst set of people to involve. @palestineisrael please meet a professional counselor if you have to, not these people mentioned here.

Well i believe there are still some good ones among the lots. A friend here had issues in his marriage and they did alot to help counsel them. And they're still happily married till date.

igbsam:


Well i believe there are still some good ones among the lots. A friend here had issues in his marriage and they did alot to help counsel them. And they're still happily married till date.

It's like advising someone with cancer to go and see a Pastor or Imam instead of going to the hospital beacause someone you know saw one and was healed.
It's better they see a professional.

jedisco:


Divorces here are no joke especially when there's a good income difference and kids are involved.

Not a lawyer but for well established marriages, the target for a legal split is 50:50 of marital possessions. Even your pensions and isa accumulated after marriage are not exempt.

To the house, though there might be a 50:50 equity split awarded, priority is always given to the kids. The kids will usually be allowed to stay in the house moreso if they're established there.
Your partner might buy you out of the mortgage or you both can sell and go separate ways. If she refuses, it's very unlikely a Judge would give an order mandating sale when kids are involved. That means as the other partner, even though you may have 50% equity in the house, you may not be able to sell until kids turn 18 or leave.

In the meantime, you would need to rent your place and banks will chase whoevers name is on the mortgage to keep up with payments. All this is aside child maintenance which goes primarily to the partner with main custody. If you're unlucky and have domestic violence pinned on you, another gbese as your alloted time might be culled. Of course, either of you can have a new relationship while all this is going on.

If you have good earning potential and a vast difference from your partner, a divorce can leave you wrinsed

Sir What if they are no kids and you don't have mortgage

dustydee:

Probably the worst set of people to involve. @palestineisrael please meet a professional counselor if you have to, not these people mentioned here.

Don't start

dustydee:

It's like advising someone with cancer to go and see a Pastor or Imam instead of going to the hospital beacause someone you know saw one and was healed.
It's better they see a professional.

In my response, i stated they should see a marriage counselor as well. But its okay to pick out the one that doesn't suit you.

Makamatic:


Sir What if they are no kids and you don't have mortgage

Accumulated wealth/pension post marriage is split. It goes both ways and you guys would need to be married for a reasonable period before 50:50 fully applies. In reality, if you're skint your partner would be less bothered and want to move on..

BorisJohnson:



Oh dearest @Zahra29.
I think I saw you in Machester last week. Wearing blue dress & a Blue ribbon.
This morning, I saw MissJekyll in Liverpool, wearing a red dress & a red ribbon.

Greetings.

Greetings

Couldn't have been me though, my conference was in Bournemouth and I had on a yellow dress