So something had upset me in the office...

If humans were to be perfectly honest, the above phrase would be the start of many an epitaph.

The last few hours of many otherwise stable peoples lives was preceded by this commonality.

And it was almost mine.

But I digress.

So I had a bad day at work and i was heading home to unwind.

It occurred to me that I had to stop at Area One Shopping Complex to pick up something or the other before I got home, so I reluctantly made the detour.

Funny how now I can't remember exactly what I had to stop over for, but at the time it seemed so important. It seemed so all consuming and urgent. So much that I grudgingly compelled my already agitated self to accept the Ill-advised "side mission".

Again I digress.

After encountering some unexpected traffic I finally made it to the Shopping complex.

Some people reading have the misfortune of having to live in Abuja. They are familiar with Area One Shopping Complex. Situated uncomfortably close to one of the busiest intersections in the city, It's a big well trafficked plaza on a narrow road with virtually no parking space. The narrow road is compounded by street vendors who set up makeshift stands on the sides of the road as base camps for the teams of hawkers shiling for customers. The weather on this particular day was hot and clammy and you could practically smell the frenzy as people jostled for elbow room on the crowded street. It was hard to find room to walk, much less park a vehicle. But after circling the plaza twice I finally found a parking space.

Mindful of my prompt exit I drove past the parking space a bit so I could back into the space in reverse.

As I looked into my rear view mirror to negotiate my parking a car drove into "My" slot.

What to do?

Initiate the Five Articles of War.

So my decent into savagery begins.

Not with a bang, but with the toot of my car horn.

MY ARTICLES OF WAR

There are five stages to dealing with confrontation in a Nigerian context.

I am proficient at all five.

STAGE ONE: IGNORE: Basically divert your attention from the situation. Go around it. Bypass it. Act like it doesn't exist. This works maybe 50% of the time. Depending on the urgency of the situation or options available.

STAGE TWO: EXPLAIN: Basically narrate the situation from your perspective. In the process the agitator might get bored or exasperated or see reason with you. This is the least effective and works maybe 20% of the time. You can usually skip this stage and go straight to stage three.

STAGE THREE: BEGGING: Learn to use the prefix "Abeg" before making any demand. Or add "Please no vex" at the end of the sentence. Apeal to their better nature. This is a double edged sword because depending on the individual, some agitators might become even more bull headed or incensed by this perceived act of submission. Kind of like the reaction you get when you turn your back or run from an otherwise indecisive predator. They're going to chase you every time. Probably the most effective and definitely the most humiliating method of all, depending on the size of your ego. Begging works probably 60% of the time.

STAGE FOUR: VOLUME: Very simple really, try to be the loudest person in the argument. Raise your voice, shout, scream, glare, flare your nostrils, beat your chest, strike inanimate objects, threaten violence, hurl insults, if it's a man insult his mother and call him a small boy. If it's a woman call her a prostitute then tell her you also have a prostitute like her at home�. This is definitely the MOST effective cause most people are Pussies anyway and works 85% of the time.

STAGE FIVE: GORILLA MODE: For context, I was raised in Port Harcourt. Therefore I am very proficient in surprise headbutts, slaps, sweeping you off your feet aka "clearing", elbows to the temple, recycling assorted glass bottles, offensive cement block wielding, random object to weapon improvisation, etc. The important thing to note is the expected end point of any physical confrontation. Which is the incapacitation of your opponent so you can leave the scene. Hit first, Hit hard, and Run. You're not about to stand there and fight his whole gang or the Nigerian Police Force, you are not Jackie Chan. This is by far the most effective means and works 95% of the time. The implications and regrets for your actions though can last you a lifetime.

In my next post I will tell you about my last confrontation, how I passed through all the five stages, and how it all went horribly wrong

THE ARTICLES OF WAR.

PART THREE.

It all happened very fast so read quickly.

I honked my horn over and over. It was all in vain. The vehicle had already settled into my parking spot.

IGNORE.

I wish I could just move to the next slot.

But there was no next slot.

I had circled round the entire lot twice already.

I was late.

I was having a bad day.

EXPLAIN.

This must be some sort of misunderstanding.

I retained the presence of mind to turn off my engine and stepped out of my vehicle.

I noticed that the car, one of these toy SUVs that you guys like, painted in a nondescript bland shade of vomit green, was still on, and the driver was inside. I couldn't make out what "it" was because the windows were slightly tinted. It would have mattered little if was one of Elon Musk's autonomous driving AI's at that point. The car was still on. It hadn't seen me. It still had the opportunity to back out.

I tapped gently on the driver side window.

The window wound down.

Handsome healthy looking young light complexion male human being with a lined beard, moustache and heavy eyebrows.

Correct guy.

This was a mistake.

I explained.

He almost instantly, nonchalantly dismissed me.

It's not that he hadn't seen me he implied, but apparently this was his parking space.

A public parking space, on the main road, in front of a plaza, that I had just seen unmarked and unattended, and practically watched a random vehicle just vacate.

I pointed out these inconsistencies, to which he replied that he actually owned a shop in the plaza which entitled him to the slot.

Fake news.

I had probably lived in Abuja longer than he did. I knew shop owners were not entitled to an unmarked parking spot on the main road.

I countered that I also owned a shop in the back.

He ignored me.

BEGGING

"Guy abeg, no vex, you been don see me say I wan reverse enter here, I no go stay long, just shift back make I enter. Abeg I no want trouble"

He turned off his engine.

VOLUME.

"Ol boy wetin dey do you na? I no be your mate O! My friend move this motor make I park! Something dry worry you? Or you want see wetin I fit do?"

He ignored me and made as if he was gathering his effects from the center console. I watched his hands. He wasn't gathering anything.

He reached for his door handle and opened the door with a click. He looked up as if just noticing I was standing in front of the door.

We locked gazes for a few seconds. Just long enough for him to ask me.

"Wetin you go do sef?"

I could see the genuineness in his eyes.

He was a young burly fella with large forearms and moved with an ease born of confidence. What I probably had over him in height, he hadn't yet come down from his vehicle so I couldn't tell, he more than made up in bulk. He was an Apex predator, probably why he was incensed by my earlier pleading. He was not going to back down easily. He really wondered what I could do about it.

For his own benefit, I had show him. For the benefit of society.

I did this, like a Biblical Jesus, for all of you.

GORILLA MODE ACTIVATED...

GORILLA MODE.

Some of you have seen a little bit of Mixed Martial Arts on TV. As brutal as it may seem even MMA still has rules. Next time you watch, if possible, when the camera zooms in, listen to the final instructions the referee gives the fighters before a fight commences.

"No headbutts, No eye pokes, No blows to the back of the head or spine, no kicking a downed opponent"

These set of instructions also serve as a preliminary guide to your first lines of attack in any street altercation.

There is no starting bell, there are no referees, there is no stop watch, there is no honor, no Geneva codes or regulatory board oversees roadside fights, there are no fines, bookings or penalties imposed for unnecessary roughness, there is no foul play.

Points are scored with blood and broken bones.

Once the decision to commit violence is made by a Gorilla such as myself, the entire environment is a weapon and every advantage is gratefully capitalized on.

Case in point, the young man was opening his car door to alight from his vehicle. Once he was down on terra firma he would be ready for whatever I had to throw at him.

I stepped back to let him open the door. He brought his leg out of the vehicle. It was an SUV and he had to climb down to come out. As soon as his foot was 3 inches off the ground I slammed the car door with both hands onto his shin.

I maintained pressure on the door with my left hand to trap his leg, freeing my right hand to punch him in his face through the car window. Two of the blows caught him around his eye before he lowered his face and caught the third blow with the top of his head.

I think that was when I broke my knuckle.

I rarely fight and when I do I don't fight like Sherlock Holmes. I just make up my mind to hurt someone as bad and as fast as I can.

Wickedness and instinct do the rest.

I pulled the door open to bang it again on his shin. The second time I attempted this I felt too much resistance to make satisfactory contact. By this time he had both his hands on the door and was pushing it out towards me.

This was when I first felt his strength.

I pulled the door outward and he came bounding out.

I would like to think he was still a bit groggy from the blows to the face, but it could just be that it was my pulling the door in concert with his push that unbalanced him. Whatever the case he stumbled forward off balance out of the car into my old friend, "Nodding shin tablet two".

[Side Note: A good headbutt is characterised by placing the hardest part of your skull, the crown, into the softest part of your opponents skull, anywhere below the eye socket to the chin. Very quickly]

Due to the angle he came down from the car at and my slight height advantage, I was slightly off target. The top of my head crashed into his brow, above his left eye. I felt the aftershock ripple to the back of my head and was forced to step back for a second to clear my vision.

Before I could refocus I felt his hands reaching for my neck. I stepped back but he was able to snag my shirt around my front pocket.

He tightened his grip.

Honestly I was surprised that he was still standing all. My sight returned to see his bloodshot eyes at arms length. I think I remember him having a confused and enraged expression on his face. I can't be too sure because I only looked so I could put my thumb up his eye socket.

He quickly let go of my shirt to grab a hold of my wrist.

You know how as a kid sometimes you used to mess with adults, and when you got too irritating they would just hold you. They didn't even have to hit you or anything. Just a firm grip. You immediately knew that this person wasn't your mate.

That's how I remember feeling when he held my wrist.

I tried to pull free but I might as well have been trying to pull my hand off my arm.

He was completely out of the car now. Slightly under six feet but built like a buffalo, with corded glistening biceps showing under his blue t-shirt. Feet planted firmly apart for stability.

I remember being frustrated because I could no longer move. One hand gripped my wrist and the other with a fist full of my office shirt. I saw his left eyebrow damp with a dark coloured fluid that could only be blood as he blinked it rapidly. But his expression had changed. He wasn't confused anymore.

I remember quite clearly. He was only pissed off.

I grabbed a fist full of his shirt for balance. And said a one word prayer out loud for strength:

"Fvck"

Theflint1:
oya o, beta fight don set

Ishilove:

I doubt it ended well. Em Cee Cee refused to tell us the outcome, which likely means his ass was whopped

Theflint1:
Hehehehehe...very interesting read. The buildup to the event and the event proper was so well described.

franchasng:
Summary pls


A good Nairalander should summarise this textbook in 5 paragraphs and not more than 8 sentences, tenkiuu