I am due 2 perform the traditional marriage rites wit my partner this saturday (15th Sept) in Delta (her home town). We both live in Ibadan and av courted for 2yrs. She is expectin our first child in 8 weeks, so we agreed 2 do the "right thing" before the child is born. We agreed 2 keep the ceremony minimal and just present items on "the list" and then receive parental blessings from both sides. We r both financially challenged at the moment and decided 2 stick 2 a budget of N250k. The "list and dowry" itself was about N130K so we reserved N120k for travel and hotel cost for us and the a handful of our family members/friends who wil travel wit us from ibadan. All will fit in a bus and a car we plan 2 take.

To make things easier, we sent the N130k 2 one of her uncles wife who is based in delta 2 help buy all the items on the list. Upon receipt of the money, she told us we also needed 2 sent another 40k for traditional clothin. We also forwarded that, makin a total of N170k. We av spent some money our non traditional clothes 2 wear on the dy, shoes,jewelleries (for her) and some drinks for our travellin family/friends. We av also given her mum and dad money for traditional clothes. This has cost N160kN so we are already over budget. Last week, we were told that the money we sent won't go far and shld try 2 up the money 2 N250K. My fiancee had told them our budget, without mentionin that the figure of N250k also included our travel and accomodation. Her family is not poor bt feel I am the one who wants 2 mary, so should play my part. The justification for requestin extra money was that, they needed 2 buy a cow since ppl in their town (Sapele) had heard about the weddin and would attend. Some family elders will also need 2 come from the village and would av 2 be transported 2 Sapele. We were also told that the family house (in Sapele) had 2 be painted (on the exterior cost this is customary wit urobos?). My brother in law agreed 2 do this after some persuasion

While I was digestin that and worryin about the additional money I need 2 find, I was asked if I had bought everythin on "the list"! WTF! Imagine my surprise when I learnt that the money I sent had notin 2 do wit the list bt for "preparations". Preparations for what? I never asked for a loud weddin nor invite more dan a handful of ppl. They claim its the first weddin in their family in a while so its hard 2 keep it "quieter dan that". I wish 2 add that this is my second marriage. The first ended 2yrs ago after 10yrs matrimony. So u can understand my limited enthusiasm. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.

Now, it not just the money bt the fact that the weddin is no longer what I imagined or asked for. I also feel my financial situation would lead my inlaws 2 undermine or humilate me on the dy if they do decide 2 fund the weddin at all cost. They av even sent me a message 2 the effect that the weddin will go ahead as planned after I suggested a postponement. I don't think I can condone a situation where I am told they "funded my weddin". I would rather fund a weddin that only involves 10ppl who will simply eat Mr Biggs and go home dan endure future humilation.

At this point, I am at a crossroads. What should I so cos my brain is tellin me not 2 turn up on the dy and I said this 2 my fiancee last nite.I tried 2 explain 2 her that it is meant 2 be our special dy bt its all been taken out of our hands. She could only reply wit tear and threats 2 kill herself. I also threw some of the blame on her insistence that we do the traditional weddin now, fully aware of our financial position and her pregnancy situation. We did our registry weddin in august (secretly, without either family knowing- just close friends), so I see no issue of givin birth outside wedlock.

Please advise.

Between you and I,you know you going to go ahead with the wedding,irrespective of what we tell you.

So we dont need to deceive ourself

Na wa o! so you did registry already and you still think of her as "fiancee". Just tell her family you don't have that kind of money and why is the lady crying? is she not aware of the financial constraint. some people sef

@ op, u goofed from the start. it is ur wedding and NOBODY can or shod dictate to u how to plan it. they can make suggestions but it is u that has the final say. u have a budget and shod'v worked strictly with it and told ur would be inlaws that u do not want a societal wedding. must u kill a cow for the wedding? hell NO, atleast not with ur kind of budget. must the whole Sapele people be invited? Another hell No. i can go on with the questions but the answers will always remain capital NO. If from the start, u give ur inlaws liberty to dictate how ur wedding will be, then they will also control u in ur house.

stamp ur feet on the ground and tell ur inlaws that if they do not cooperate with u within ur budget, then you are calling off the wedding (even though ur madam, their daughter is due to put to bed soon).

Na wa o...
Since you've already spent so much,i think its too late to back out.
...and i don't think its in the family's best interest to humiliate their son-in-law on the wedding day so i'm hoping its not a probability.
Besides,even if they'd brag about 'funding your wedding',what would that change?
It won't stop you from taking home your wife at the end of the day..
You have done your best,show up at the wedding and leave the rest.
You have a fiancee that understands and that's what counts!
.
Btw,you could implore the mods to help you move this to family section.
You'll get better insights and advice there.

Thanks ppl.

MODERATOR: Please put in family section

I feel you, Urhobo people!! Mscheww. Oya, here's how to handle business, because my cousin is suffering the same thing at the hands of his yoruba fiancee (so what if she's the first person to marry, ehen?). This is harsh, but ask the girl which is more important, taking care of her home and baby or having a big wedding. Give her 24 hours to make the decision, tell her not to call you. You must sound harsh. Don't pick your phone. Tell her to go and talk to her family or she should marry her family and never call you again. All this money spending must stop, you are not supposed to pay for the elders coming from village (her family owns that). Be ready to walk away, she's your wife, all this is nonsense. Let her know who's in charge of decisions, you or your family. Let her cry if she wants, offer her a bucket.
My cousin went to Ughelli to marry (2nd marriage for him). This same nonsense happened, but he kept dropping money. 7 months later, the girl fled with his baby to UK and said she didn't want to see him again. Apparently she had been looking for a way to travel and he was her ticket.

You know what? Just do exactly as the actress in the movie "runaway bride did".

Onegai, u sure u r not me/my family cos all u said is so close 2 home. I am fortunate 2 hold dual citizenship (UK and Nigerian), so our unborn child automatically gets british citizenship, wit my wife bein eligible 2 apply for UK visa without much wahala. My ex-wife (whom I met whilst livin in London in 1997 and married in 2000) got UK citizenship via me. We returned 2 nigeria in 2006, only for her 2 walk out on me a few yrs later, takin our two daughters. The youngest was only months old then. She was from Akwa Ibom. She never even waved me goodbye. Now this one is from delta. I prayed I av not goofed again. God please.

Thank u all so far.

Eniti o ba bere ona ko ni shina (he who asks for directions never gets lost)

Goodluck - nothing wrong with court wedding if you are broke.

Since you have started spending - finish it.

What is even wrong with some of these people called in-laws sef? Why can't they just mind their business?

Why is the girl crying? Let her stay and cry blood while some bad belle people ruin her day for her, instead of her to stand up to them and let them understand that's the way you both want it, she's busy crying.

Tell your in-laws what you gave is what you have,shikena. If the ones in the village don't have Tfare to attend the ceremony then let them stay in their houses(after all them don dey attend enough ceremonies for village).

When a very good friend of mine wanted to get married, almost the same thing happened, her dad mounted pressure on her hubby to spend double of what he budgeted, the man sef wanted to give in because of what people may say but my friend stood her ground and told her dad that, what her husband planned to spend is what will be spent and that if he(her father) isn't satisfied with that, he could do well to support them, at the end of the day the wedding went on without my friend's hubby spending above what he budgeted.

OP put your foot down and tell that your wife to get up and support you instead of crying like a baby.

Put your foot down and you will be respected and feared in the future. Afterall she don get bele, make them take am back now. They will be eating out of your hands, because they are afraid of shame. Better give them your word, dont change your position and stand by it.

Eeya!!! I feel for u bruv.

flexya: Onegai, u sure u r not me/my family cos all u said is so close 2 home. I am fortunate 2 hold dual citizenship (UK and Nigerian), so our unborn child automatically gets british citizenship, wit my wife bein eligible 2 apply for UK visa without much wahala. My ex-wife (whom I met whilst livin in London in 1997 and married in 2000) got UK citizenship via me. We returned 2 nigeria in 2006, only for her 2 walk out on me a few yrs later, takin our two daughters. The youngest was only months old then. She was from Akwa Ibom. She never even waved me goodbye. Now this one is from delta. I prayed I av not goofed again. God please.

Thank u all so far.

Eniti o ba bere ona ko ni shina (he who asks for directions never gets lost)

No worries, I'm from Delta, good and bad women come from everywhere (my cousin's ex was Benue, then Urhobo). Almost everyone in my family is married, no in-law/groom was told to pay for house-painting. Her family doesn't want to pay for anything for the wedding, which is wrong. My anger is that your wife is letting them do this. Painting house is NOT/NEVER to be paid by you. Don't send a penny, unless it is for your hotel. Be strict, no smiling. Or her family will come later demanding money/stuff from you, and she'll continue following them till it causes fight btw both of you. Tell her she can be a single mother, let her eye clear and her brain work! These are the signs men will see and still chook head and later come and complain "I didn't know this about my wife".

Chai!!!

Its such a pity my advice won't determine if the wedding holds or not or whether you are going to turn up or not.

But like I leanrt from my mum, record keeping is 100% relevant in life.

Whatever you are doing with anybody or group of people, always make sure there's a form of record keeping which will serve as evidence in the future.

People might mock you on keeping junks, but you never can tell when those little details scrabbles on that dirty sheet of paper will save a life.

First and foremost, how did they pass the list across to you? Bring it out and prove to them they totally went against your agreements.

Let this people know you don't have a dime to add to that event because from the onset you made them know you wanted a low key thing so bringing the entire people from the village, painting the house and killing cows should be their responsibility and not your because you never told them you wanted a carnival like wedding.

This reminded me of a traditional wedding I have been to and while the groom's family and the bride's family were dragging money/drink issue the groom's family got angry and made steps to leave the compound. The very pregnant bride herself was peeping from inside the house fearfully and saying that she will run away with the grrom's family -o-o if they leave the place. .

What is your bride doing to douse matters between you and her family, shouldn't she be bridging the gap and explaining to her family to take both of you as you are after spending what you have? They didn't remember that their house needs to be painted until a suitor showed up, she shouldn't let them embarrass her so.

Go ahead with your wedding, dont nlet anyone force you to spend beyond your budget. Stand firm

Much of the blame should really be on your wife....She knows your financial condition and knows her people more than you....as the husband, it is that okay to be forward with the family at this early stage....but it is your wife's job to bridge that gap and tell them what is and what is not.

Crying is good, but it is not going to solve the problem....she need to stand tell, talk to her mom and her dad.

It also appear that your financial situation was not conveyed to your wife's family...you or your wife might have elevated your status to them and that increased their demands. It also appears that, the communication between you/your wife and your in-laws is a suspect...else how can the money specifically given to them to purchase items on the listing can be converted to 'for preparations..?..You even mentioned they demanded more money for some clothing...so how can that all be for 'preparation'...someone might be using the occasions to enrich themselves...tell your inlaw in Delta to give you detail account of the money given to her....

enuff said....have a nice wedding, do not boycott it...go there...you do try...no be by force.

Guy, what are you worried about? In the Yoruba culture, the bride's family pays for the wedding reception, and there is no humiliation. You've already dropped enough money, if they want to make up the rest, it's all good. No let pride kill you. Go ahead with the wedding. It's not like you did not drop any money..

Ask them to send the 170k back so that you can send them Dollars.

If they send it back you know what to do.

The only person who could have stopped-and can stop all these,is the person who was crying and threatening to kill herself. Yup. Your wifey.

Come to think of it, very hungry family you are marrying into here. I think if you dont put your foot down, your troubles have just started. Especially when you are an "official" inlaw in their eyes. SMH! The girl seems to want to give false impressions and live a fake life to them. You will have to keep up appearances till all those elders and extended members die. LOL .

I am so tempted to tell you to go with onegai's comment.

........give us an update if you go ahead with the advise

flexya: Onegai, u sure u r not me/my family cos all u said is so close 2 home. I am fortunate 2 hold dual citizenship (UK and Nigerian), so our unborn child automatically gets british citizenship, wit my wife bein eligible 2 apply for UK visa without much wahala. My ex-wife (whom I met whilst livin in London in 1997 and married in 2000) got UK citizenship via me. We returned 2 nigeria in 2006, only for her 2 walk out on me a few yrs later, takin our two daughters. The youngest was only months old then. She was from Akwa Ibom. She never even waved me goodbye. Now this one is from delta. I prayed I av not goofed again. God please.

Thank u all so far.

Eniti o ba bere ona ko ni shina (he who asks for directions never gets lost)

You seem to have an issue with taking charge of your home and wife (s)!

flexya: Onegai, u sure u r not me/my family cos all u said is so close 2 home. I am fortunate 2 hold dual citizenship (UK and Nigerian), so our unborn child automatically gets british citizenship, wit my wife bein eligible 2 apply for UK visa without much wahala. My ex-wife (whom I met whilst livin in London in 1997 and married in 2000) got UK citizenship via me. We returned 2 nigeria in 2006, only for her 2 walk out on me a few yrs later, takin our two daughters. The youngest was only months old then. She was from Akwa Ibom. She never even waved me goodbye. Now this one is from delta. I prayed I av not goofed again. God please.

Thank u all so far.

Eniti o ba bere ona ko ni shina (he who asks for directions never gets lost)

You have to stop announcing ur dual citizenship o. Women will marry you just for that reason alone. Inlaws will feast on u just for that reason alone. Stand ur ground and tell them the wedding is off. Either ur way or the highway.

^^
Your one & only mistake here was sending your money to them to buy your list items. Now you're in a classic Spanish Prisoner scam. Your have to keep using good money to chase bad or the wedding won't hold at all. Remember they've already blown your list cash on their own part of the wedding preparations.

Bro, dont give any more money, if you can even collect some of the one's you've given, the better. Here no be UK, if dem wan exquisite wedding something, na to impress their clan and you should completely avoid being dragged into it. Just appear there on that day and sit on a royal seat as the chairman, nothing go happen. After that day carry your wife go house, experience suppose don teach you make you no overspend for one day event as na the marriage count not the wedding.
My advice again, collect the money you don give them, tel them say una no get transport money to come, they want the wedding more than you do and at this point they will be willing to do anything to make it work and big. Afterall you don score the goal, give them double citizenship - mama and pikin. Dont worry you have already paid the debt. My candid opinion.