Dear Friend,
Greetings. I hear you have found a lovely
woman you wish to spend the rest of your
life with. I hear she is Igbo.
Congratulations. Before you go ahead,
however, please permit me to say a few
things concerning marrying an Igbo
woman. I know unsolicited advice is as
unwanted as armpit boils, but do spare me a
second or two; this is important. See, I
know you think the bride price you’ve been
told to pay and the long list of
traditional marriage items are your biggest
issues…trust me, they are nothing
compared with what you will face after
the ceremonies have been completed and
every member of her village has gone
home with his/her share of the booty for
which you mortgaged your father’s
properties.
Now, take note of the following, dear
friend:
1. Forget Authority: If you were
marrying a Yoruba woman, she would
have come to your house with her mother’s
voice ringing in her ears that a husband’s
house is a place where life’s lessons are
learnt. It’s a different story for the Igbo
woman. She comes from a long line of
‘unruly’ people who traditionally have no
concept of a central authority figure.
Prepare to be stared down eyeball to
eyeball in an argument. Prepare to be
laughed at when you attempt to assert
yourself as the ‘man of the house.’ When
she’s done laughing, she’ll measure you,
up and down with her left, and sneer:
‘Hian! See this one o; who do you think
you’re talking to?’ She’ll clap and shake
her head, then she’ll add something in
Igbo and then saunter away, wriggling
her backside. It isn’t for nothing that the
legendary Aba Womens’ Riot happened
in…ABA.
2. Prepare to be Called Names: No, I am
not referring to endearing (more like
puke-inducing, actually) names like Baby,
Darling, or Nkem. I’m talking about
names that qualify your lineage and
ethnicity in terms that are not exactly
complimentary. If you are Yoruba, you
and your people will be Ndi ofe mmanu
(something about too much oil in your soup
and fried things in your life); If you are
a Northerner, you and your people will be
Ndi beribe (something about possessing a
mumu gene). Find solace in the fact that
if you are truly Yoruba, you ‘know’ that
Igbo people use kick to wake their mothers
up from the mat in the morning.
3. Say Goodbye to your Waistline: Your
waistline will increase in proportion to the
years you spend with an Igbo woman who
knows the well-beaten path to her mother’s
kitchen. Gone are your days of adding
stew to ewedu and okro, or eating egusi
soup that was blended with tomatoes.
Tufiakwa! The introduction of Ofe
Akwu, Nsala, Oha, Onugbu, Ofe Owerri
and Oporoko will ensure that when you sit,
you fill up the chair. That’s what is
called a man, a DIMGBA! Not one that
looks like something some hungry wind
blew in. When the husband of an Igbo
woman stands, people must see that a man
is standing. Size matters. Don’t be
deceived by the looks of people like
Ebuka Obi-Uchendu and that six-pack
nonsense; he’s not a proper Igbo man. Look
more at people like his elder brother Ugo
or imagine Noble Igwe a few years
after marriage; now, those are real Igbo
men! Size matters to an Igbo woman.
4. Be Aware of the Oriaku Syndrome:
You have not heard of the Oriaku
Syndrome? Don’t worry, I will tell you.
You see, when you marry an Igbo woman,
you work for her. Your glory comes from
seeing her shine. When she steps out,
people must SEE your money on her body.
If your wife looks like the dried fish
she uses in cooking your soup, you are not a
man! If she’s dressed like something that
was sent to Lagos along with discarded
wares, you have failed in your duties! The
Oriaku Syndrome posits that your wife is
the chopper of your money, simple. Don’t
take this to mean that you are her provider
and therefore she isn’t independent. When
the Igbo man was planting yam, the Igbo
woman was planting and harvesting
cocoyam, and as every Igbo household can
testify, the cocoyam is more useful than
yam. Yam is only the king crop because
the Igbo society, like others, is
phallocentric. Don’t get it twisted.
5. Beware of the Illuminati: Do not
marry any Igbo woman that is the first
daughter of her father. All first
daughters in Igboland are members of the
real Illuminati. They sometimes call it by
another name: Umuada. They are the most
powerful group in Igboland and can do
and undo. No one uses small spoon to
measure their food. If you marry one and
misbehave and she reports you, you are
doomed. Even when you don’t marry one,
you are still doomed if your wife ever
reports you to them. They may decide that
all the first daughters from her village
will come and live in your house for a
month. You may wish to consider suicide
if that ever happens to you. It is the Igbo
woman who has forgotten the path to her
father’s house that suffers in a man’s
house when she has the Umuada waiting.
6. The Catholic Church Intervention:
When an Igbo woman is tired of you and
your nonsense, she’ll simply pack her bag
and return to her father’s house. If you do
not run after her and collect your bride
price back from her father, whatever
child she bears anywhere she goes will
bear your name. Yes, I’m serious. This is
why there are no bastards in Igboland. But
thank God for the Catholic Church, this
doesn’t happen often. The average Igbo
woman is Catholic and the Catholic Church
has issues with divorce. Be smart: if
you’re going to marry an Igbo woman,
marry one who is a Catholic; it reduces her
chances of leaving you by about 50%.
You may wish to ask why none of the
above is often the case when an Igbo
woman marries an Igbo man… well, I
don’t know. Perhaps the Igbo man knows
how to be ‘oga’ over the Igbo woman and
has refused to share the secret with aliens.
Anyways, is your couch free for the
night? Surely there’s no way I’m going
home to that woman tonight after all
this…

Here is the source:http://thenetng.com/opinion/chris-ihidero-unedited-before-you-marry-an-igbo-woman/
what kind of entity makes this archaic generalization?..its frightening how one can read each and everyone in igboland and come up with this hogwash...SMDH

I dunno about archaic but it made me laff my b.utt off

who concocted that? He's a genius with words.....eh i dnt believe him sha except with a few.
The food thingy, the stuff about her being an oriaku(once told a yoruba friend that) and the umuada's are one in a million.
Hahahahaha

uj_sizzle: I dunno about archaic but it made me laff my b.utt off

who concocted that? He's a genius with words.....eh i dnt believe him sha except with a few.
The food thingy, the stuff about her being an oriaku(once told a yoruba friend that) and the umuada's are one in a million.
Hahahahaha

apart from the food part, the rest of the fallacy sounds bitter to me...someone might take this hogwash serious and miss out on a wonderfull wife he is about to get married to

lalaosky:

apart from the food part, the rest of the fallacy sounds bitter to me...someone might take this hogwash serious and miss out on a wonderfull wife he is about to get married to

errrr his loss sha