Blind love is not the way to choose a spouse.
Here are practical tools for keeping your eyes
wide open.
With the divorce rate over 50 percent, too many
are apparently making a serious mistake in
deciding who to spend the rest of their life with.
To avoid becoming a "statistic," try to internalize
these 10 insights - by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.

#1. You pick the wrong person because you
expect him/her to change after you're married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The
golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the
person the way he or she is now, don't get
married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it,
"You actually can expect people to change after
their married... for the worst!"
So when it comes to the other person's
spirituality, character, personal hygiene,
communication skills, and personal habits, make
sure you can live with these as they are now.

#2. You pick the wrong person because you
focus more on chemistry than on character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character
keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love"
syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in
lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully
checked out this person's character?
Here are four character traits to definitely check
for:
Humility: Does this person believe that "doing
the right thing" is more important than personal
comfort?
Do I want to be more like this person? Would I
like my child to turn out like him or her?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure
to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he
doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do
volunteer work? Give charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do
what s/he says s/he's going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/
he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable?
Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this
person? Do I want to have a child with this
person? Would I like my child to turn out like him
or her?

#3. You pick the wrong person because the man
doesn't understand what a woman needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs,
and more often than not, it is the man who just
doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the onus
on the man to understand the emotional needs
of a woman and to satisfy them.
The unique need of a woman is to be loved -- to
feel that she is the most important person in her
husband's life. The husband needs to give her
consistent, quality attention.
This is most apparent in Judaism's approach to
intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to
meet the intimate needs of his wife. Intimacy is
always on the woman's terms. Men are goal-
oriented, especially when it comes this area. As a
wise woman once pointed out, "Men have two
speeds: on and off." Women are experience-
oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and
become more experience-oriented, he will
discover what makes his wife very happy. When
the man forgets about his own needs and
focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing
things happen.

#4. You choose the wrong person because you
do not share a common life goals and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with
another person:
chemistry and compatibility
share common interests
share common life goal
Make sure you share the deeper level of
connection that sharing life goals provide. After
marriage, the two of you will either grow
together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart,
you must figure out what you're "living for,"
while you're single -- and then find someone who
has come to the same conclusion as you.
This is the true definition of a "soul mate." A soul
mate is a goal mate -- two people who ultimately
share the same understanding of life's purpose
and therefore share the same priorities, values
and goals.

#5. You choose the wrong person because you
get intimately involved too quickly.
Intimacy before the commitment of marriage can
be a big problem because it often precludes a
fully honest exploration of important issues.
Physical involvement tends to cloud one's mind.
And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good
decisions.
It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in order
to find out if a couple is physically compatible. If
you do your homework and make sure you are
intellectually and emotionally compatible, you
don't have to worry about it. Of all the studies
done on divorce, incompatibility in the intimate
arena is almost never cited as a main reason why
people divorce.

#6. You pick the wrong person because you do
not have a deeper emotional connection with this
person.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper
emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect
and admire this person?"
This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this
person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We
do not respect someone because they own a
Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities
of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc.
Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also
means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I
can rely on him/her?

#7. You pick the wrong person because you
choose someone with whom you don't feel
emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel
calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can
I fully be myself and express myself with this
person? Does this person make me feel good
about myself? Do you have a really close friend
who does make you feel this way? Make sure the
person you marry makes you feel the same way!
Are you afraid of this person in any way? You
should not feel you need to monitor what you say
because you are afraid of how the other person
will view it. If you're afraid to express your
feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem
with the relationship.
Be on the look out for someone who is always
trying to change you.
Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't
feel the other person is trying to control you.
Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive
person. Be on the look out for someone who is
always trying to change you. There's a big
difference between "controlling" and "making
suggestions." A suggestion is made for your
benefit; a control statement is made for their
benefit.

#8. You pick the wrong person because you
don't put everything on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship
must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up
the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to
evaluate how well the two of you communicate,
negotiate, and work together. Over the course of
a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You
need to know now, before making a
commitment: Can you resolve your differences
and find compromises that work for both of you?
Never be afraid to let the person know what
bothers you. This is also a way for you to test
how vulnerable you can be with this person. If
you can't be vulnerable, then you can't be
intimate. The two go hand in hand.

#9. You pick the wrong person because you use
the relationship to escape from personal
problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be
unhappy and married, too.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be
unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix
personal, psychological and emotional problems.
If anything, marriage will exacerbate them.
If you are not happy with yourself and your life,
take responsibility to fix it now while you are
single. You'll feel better, and your future spouse
will thank you.

#10. You pick the wrong person because he/she
is involved in a triangle.
To be "triangulated" means a person is
emotionally dependent on someone or something
else while trying to develop another relationship.
A person who hasn't separated from his or her
parents is the classic example of triangulation.
People can also be triangulated with things as
well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies,
sports or money.
Be careful that you and your partner are free of
triangles. The person caught in the triangle
cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You
will not be their number one priority. And that's
no basis for a marriage

U can type,well done but i didnt read all.

Hm! Vital points you have here, @Ijele_igbo.
#thinking over some things...40%

good points

Okiki_Oluwa: Hm! Vital points you have here, @Ijele_igbo.
#thinking over some things...40%

What are you thinking about

Ijele-igbo:


What are you thinking about

brb

why would you want to marry the wrong person anyways ?

Op this is beautiful....thank you

This is great!

Anybody who does not those points already should be slapped.
Quote me on that