pls help me get out of this mess.

i got pregnant in july, 2011. my husband to be came to meet my parent to pick a date when he and his family will come for the intro. after this, i got sick and was admitted for 2 months. i was later advised not to do any wedding until after delivery. i moved in with him afterwards and i'm still living with him as i write.after the naming of our child, i told my husband to go see my parents. he said i should give him time to gather some money b4 he will do that. my baby will be a yr this april and its still the same excuse. my problem now is, anytime we had aurguement, he will reign causes on me and tell me he is not sure he will ever get married to me.i dont blame him though cos i moved in with him. pls how do i make this man pay my bride price so that i can live with peace of mind with him. i thought of going back to my parent's house so that when he didn't see me, he will do the right thing. at the same time, i look back cos of my child. pls Nl. help me!

Go and pray for God's intervention....




From ur write up if u leave his house , he will take another woman in....

Men who dnt respect women most of them are womanizers....

Just stay back beg God to interven....

You have entered 'desperate' zone.

First, you cannot force a man to pay your bride price, it's done willingly

Second, he is not yet your husband so stop calling him that, that you have a child for him and is living with him doesn't make him one.

Third, are you even happy or you just want to maintain the 'mrs' status quo? Cause, I see no reason why you couldn't have had the child whilst still staying with your parents.

What are your parents saying about the matter? Have they sent emissaries?
I think I can safely assume that it's not your child that's stopping you from going back to your parents, it's the fact that your absence could reveal the truth about his caring less because threats like 'I don't think I can marry you' are not to be taken lightly or be attributed to the heat of the passion.

Go back to your parents and take your child with you. He might come for you and he might not but you need to get your dignity back.

Enoquin: You have entered 'desperate' zone.

First, you cannot force a man to pay your bride price, it's done willingly

Second, he is not yet your husband so stop calling him that, that you have a child for him and is living with him doesn't make him one.

Third, are you even happy or you just want to maintain the 'mrs' status quo? Cause, I see no reason why you couldn't have had the child whilst still staying with your parents.

What are your parents saying about the matter? Have they sent emissaries?
I think I can safely assume that it's not your child that's stopping you from going back to your parents, it's the fact that your absence could reveal the truth about his caring less because threats like 'I don't think I can marry you' are not to be taken lightly or be attributed to the heat of the passion.

Go back to your parents and take your child with you. He might come for you and he might not but you need to get your dignity back.

You said it all.

"Eni to ba moyi wura la maa ntaa fun"..........if you really know your worth, you wont move in talk less of living with someone who do not appreciate you or know your worth/value.
The way you dress is the way you will be addressed, the man probably treat you like that because he sees you more as a desperado, wanting to marry him at all cost, and that seems to be true, because your question says..........how can you make him pay your bride price, so that you can live in peace of mind with him?.......
And you think, him paying your brideprice guarantees your peace of mind with him?
My advice..........start all over, and do it the right way, as such, you will attract someone who will respect you as a human being, with that, you will end up with someone who will appreciate you and know your worth, and most possibly, he might be the one.
We all make mistakes, we all fall down at one time or the other, failure to rise up again is the real failure, go back to your parents' house and start it all over and with right attitude, right mentality and right reasons. May God give you the wisdom, strenght and divine inspiration to do this.

Its not going to be an easy decision but you need to move out with your baby. Its not a crime to be a single parent and don't say you are staying cause of your kid. Even your baby is after your happiness. The truth is you are just co-habiting, retrace your steps and start all over again. Move out if he decides to come for you fine and if not move on. Life goes on.
If you continue to stay when he's tired of you he send you away with the baby you are thinking its because you are still staying on and legally marry another woman

Sorry am a bit harsh just the plain truth

At Op, pls still stay back in the father of your child house...be patient , be wise, respect him even though he has not paid your bride price. And above all, be prayerful... There so many situations in marriage that will make one wonder atimes, but if u stick to this four rules, I mentioned above , he will appreciate you and pay your bride price . Wasn't he loving and caring before he decided to go and pay your bride price on his own will before your being hospitalized and everything postponed?. Do u know, their some families, that if a woman's bride price is paid.. It will be very difficult for her to have babies, every time it will be miscarriages, and this is true life not drama o....so be patient... My neighbor paid his wife bride price after having 4 children... No one heard their voice, thru the years of their staying together... People even thot, they were married... They usually call the man , woman wrapper, and the woman too subservient.... But they leave in peace and never heard the wife voice or husband voice on each other.. He paid her bride price in a big way.
While there is another neighbor of mine, who married his wife in a Catholic Church... This woman is so stubborn, while the man is peaceful... But guess what? They quarrel most times, with everyone hearing the woman's voice.. It got to a stage, the husband beat the wife, when she was breast feeding their new born baby, screaming she is should leave his life and he is through and wants a divorce! The wife sniggerd divorce ke..in catholic there is no Divorce! Whether u like it or not! Am not going anywhere! She shouted and raining more abuses at her Legally wedded husband.. .. The husband just held his head and started crying God, why him?
To cut the long story short, handle your home with wisdom, don't pack.... Respect the man of the house and be prayerful and loving.. He will pay your bride price.. It has happend before, your situation will not be last and will come up victorious.. Be patient...

Eno and have said it all
Let your family Get involved
The focus should not even be on bride price, a simple cort wedding can suffice

Respect him and forget about bride price(what's bride price if a happy married life is not guaranteed). If it gets too late, u might never have a marriage of anykind,at least not with him. if a man didn't marry a woman he won't feel he owes her any obligation. Go back to your parent and hope he or some1 else comes to find u. And make sure you take your baby along,do it all with respect. PEACE.

Ladies: what will be,will surely be.

Its funny how you think his paying your bride price will make you live in peace with him.
A man that doesn't hesitate to curse or threaten you has no respect for you nor does he value you or your presence in his life.Stop letting him rubbish your esteem(if u have any left).You will be only treated the way you allow yourself to be treated.
Go back to your parent's place and let him make a decision whether he wants you or not.If you are worth something to him,he'll show up and do the right thing but do not be coerced into going back before he does.
All the best!!

Don't move anywhere abeg. You have already given him the whole cow for free and shown him your worst sides. If you move, it will backfire. Chances are he will not even bother to come after you. Someone that already rains curses on you? If you are going to move out, then move because you can no longer stay in the relationship. If this marriage issue means so much to you, then you may have to sacrifice by being a wise woman. Calm down 1million notches and reexamine yourself. When he points out your faults, do you know in your heart that he is right or do you think he is being abusive? If you know you have faults, try to change and have patience. Don't let the bride price thing be a source of constant worry and nagging$ just let it go. Am saying this because even if you guys go into marriage without attitude adjustment, then things will get worse. The attitude adjustment should start with you. When he sees a change, then you can talk him into changing. Gradually he will come around to marriage. Also engage yourself, get busy and productive in the mean time. All this is if you really want the marriage

Don't you dare move an inch! Go to registry and get it over with the ceremony!

He already eat his cake by putting you in a family way Ole! , every relationship has its ups and downs, as long as you are not waiting for a miracle turn around by folding your hands but ready to make it work.

Are your parents hungry for money? You're an adult pulease it's your mess, clean it up!

jidegirl12: Don't you dare move an inch! Go to registry and get it over with the ceremony!

He already eat his cake by putting you in a family way Ole! , every relationship has its ups and downs, as long as you are not waiting for a miracle turn around by folding your hands but ready to make it work.

Are your parents hungry for money? You're an adult pulease it's your mess, clean it up!

Gbam! After they have done gbo gbo e together o! Am sure when people told her before she moved in, she would have called them bad belle. OP, just be wise, when the time comes and he feels like you could be someone he would want to spend the rest of his life with, then go to court. Don't bring up the marriage issue again until you have both resolved your issues. He sees that as a desperate point for you.

For registry wedding,if you are in Naija,You need to pay 20k cash and 2 passports plus witness.It is left for you to decide if you need the cabin and coke.

My own little advise is that you should excuse yourself and stay in your parent' house till he will pay your dowry. Dowry is a pride for any lady, with this you will have say in his house. Having child for him without dowry does't make sense, he can wake up one day and pay another woman's dowry and send you out of his house, by then you will be back to square one. Pardon me if my words are too harsh but that's just the truth. A stitch in time saves nine, so act fast. All the best.

That's Tribal ( Igbo especially ) believe Lizzy, paying dowry is not a determinant to earn respect nor for any lady to have a say in her home/ relationship.

OP is a Yoruba, our parents don't live on dowry that a potential son in law can't afford! And if he can afford it, they rather give it as a gift to start off with their daughter.

Sorry to say dear op, but you sold yourself cheaply when you decided to move in with him without conducting at least one of the 3 wedding ceremonies. Even if you were too weak to have an elaborate ceremony, you should have at least insisted you do a court marriage. I'm afraid Most men try to evade the responsibility of weddings and you gave him the one-way ticket to do so. Instead of expecting him to pay your bride price, why not talk him into a simple court wedding. Also work on your attitude. For a man to be uttering stuff like he's not sure if he still wants to marry you means he's contemplating dealing with a quarrelsome wife for the rest of his life (not that I'm absolving him o, just looking at it from a man's point of view). Couples often find first year of marriage very difficult cos they're cohabiting for the first time and just learning some not too desirable qualities about each other.
I don't agree with those saying you should move out with your baby. Haba! For the child's sake, try and put in some effort and pray everything works out for the best. Most marriages are rocky in the early years (speaking from experience )

chaircover:

God bless you ma!

For registry you only need cabin biscuit and coke and 2 witnesses. Not expensive or stressful at all, so I dont know why under the circumstances you haven't been able to get him agree to just that, unless you have given him a "all or nothing" condition on how your wedding must be, how many cows, how large your bridal train must be etc . . in which case, you may be waiting for a long time because you no longer hold the joker card.

For me, the major concern is why you are having so many arguments and why he is verbally abusive towards you. Now that to me is more important than getting him to marry you. Its the relationship that is sick and not the "I am not marrying you right now" and that is the priority. What is the point of getting married in january if God forbid you are going to go your separate ways in december?

Not every Nigerian guy agrees for a court wedding.why they run away from it I still don't understand.Even if the guy agrees the family of the guy might be against it.they feel it favours a woman more in divorce or death of the husband

dominique: Couples often find first year of marriage very difficult cos they're cohabiting for the first time and just learning some not too desirable qualities about each other.
I don't agree with those saying you should move out with your baby. Haba! For the child's sake, try and put in some effort and pray everything works out for the best. Most marriages are rocky in the early years (speaking from experience )

Mind u, the OP is not married and as such they are no couple. So deir case is not a case of a couple. But 2 people cohabiting. With probably a lost love.

It's not about making him marry her but her happiness. This woman is clearly unhappy but have chosen to keep the MRS title (or whenever he marries her). How can you marry a man that does not give you peace? A man that tells you your life story each time you's disagree.


Truth is, some women are so stoooopid, falling pregnant for a man that has done nothing on you prior, will not make him do that which you seek.

Marry him in the registry if you like, my main question is, LOOK DEEP DOWN (sentiments aside) AND ASK YOURSELF : ARE YOU HAPPY WITH THIS MAN?

byvan: For registry wedding,if you are in Naija,You need to pay 20k cash and 2 passports plus witness.It is left for you to decide if you need the cabin and coke.

Lol @ cabin&coke

@Mrs Mansson how many Nigerian guys have you witnessed that ran away from registry( mostly illiterates)? What are the odds? In this day and age where everybody have their own seperate Will and investments.( sorry ma'am we are just not clicking this morning nothing personal oh)

Let OP try and work on her own inner self and then talk to her partner about it and then see.

jennykadry: It's not about making him marry her but her happiness. This woman is clearly unhappy but have chosen to keep the MRS title (or whenever he marries her). How can you marry a man that does not give you peace? A man that tells you your life story each time you's disagree.


Truth is, some women are so stoooopid, falling pregnant for a man that has done nothing on you prior, will not make him do that which you seek.

Marry him in the registry if you like, my main question is, LOOK DEEP DOWN (sentiments aside) AND ASK YOURSELF : ARE YOU HAPPY WITH THIS MAN?

^^^^The same syndrome that Married Certified folks experience. Let her check herself moving forward.

jennykadry:
Marry him in the registry if you like, my main question is, LOOK DEEP DOWN (sentiments aside) AND ASK YOURSELF : ARE YOU HAPPY WITH THIS MAN?

^this!!

Doncolio:

Mind u, the OP is not married and as such they are no couple. So deir case is not a case of a couple. But 2 people cohabiting. With probably a lost love.

Oga, pls consult your dictionary and look up the meaning of couple and point out where it specifically states they have to be married.
Infact let me help you out

Couple (n)- Two people who are married,living together or having a sexual relationship.
Capish?

For those who are scared of court, that is the only way you can legally protect the children and ensure some 3rd party dont deprive the union of assets

Also the law allows for a couple to be treated as a married one if it can be proven they have lived together for a period of time
I think its ten years not sure, - common-law

@ jidegirl, Yorubas don't pay bride price or what? Elaborate, pls. Cos your response sound's as if Igbo's are selling theirs while Yoruba's are giving way theirs freely.
@op Bride price gives women some form of respect .

@ jidegirl, Yorubas don't pay bride price or what? Elaborate, pls. Cos your response sound's as if Igbo's are selling theirs while Yoruba's are giving away theirs freely.
@op Bride price gives women some form of respect .

Joanna Sedley: @ jidegirl, Yorubas don't pay bride price or what? Elaborate, pls. Cos your response sound's as if Igbo's are selling theirs while Yoruba's are giving way theirs freely.
@op Bride price gives women some form of respect .

My bride price was returned ma'am and so was my cousins and sisters'.

It's on NL I heard Igbo pays a lump sum amount for bride price I had no idea before.

T'was also on NL I saw a lady looking for a crib as a result from bride price her hubby just paid.

All the yams and other stuff was shared among my aunts & uncles that have time to carry load and rest was taken to Sabo to share .

chaircover:

Generally speaking a number of Yoruba families do not collect a cash brideprice . ..or better said the husbands family do bring it, but the brides father returns it/does not take it/gives it back to the husband etc etc

The husbands family is still expected to bring the usual traditional wedding things such as yams etc and that is shared within the family

I am a freebie myself

We are not freebie sis, we are treasure