Being a hypocrite is not an easy task. Even though most people have perfected the art of being a hypocrite, I decided to drop a couple of hint for the newbie’s.

1. Keep The Sabbath Day Holy
You are not allowed to listen to gospel music on any other day except Sundays. When you wake up on Sunday, put on your holy face and put on some good old gospel music and enter into full gospel mode. This is because, because err, err … Sunday is the Sabbath day and it is the day God rested and as such we should keep it holy. Yes, that sums it up. And when I say holy I mean listen to gospel music and it ends at that.
The best part about the Sabbath day is that you do not have to keep the whole day holy. You just have to be in holy mode for about six hours or so. Anything around 12 Noon or so, you can go back to your normal sinning life.

2. Do Not Forsake The Gathering Of The Faithful
Another way of becoming a first class hypocrite is to represent your church. By repping your church, you place your church (and most times your pastor) above the Bible (the very basic of Christianity).
The word of your pastor takes precedence above the bible. Remember, your pastor cannot do wrong. If you are confused about an issue, do not read your bible because it is a dumb thing to do. Just consult your pastor and whatever he says is final.
Keep it at the back of your mind that only your denomination of Christianity is going to be attended to at the gates of heaven; every other denomination is just wasting their time in the wrong church. You can do your best to convert them if you can, and if they refuse, leave them to wallow in their folly.

3. The Cloak Of Christianity
Christianity is not something you should practice every time. Christianity is just a status. You are a Christian maybe because your parents are Christians and you would be in trouble if you decide to think otherwise.
You are a Christian when filling out a form but not a Christian when you want to lie about your age on that same form. You are Christian when taking the oath of office but not a Christian when you are busy looting money meant for other people. You are a Christian if your boss asks you to sleep with him, but you are not a Christian when you return home to sleep with your lover. You are a Christian when praying for your examination and you are not a Christian when you are committing examination malpractice in the examination hall.
Most importantly, if someone looks for your trouble, you should conveniently drop your cloak of Christianity on the ground, beat the life out of that person and pick up your cloak right away.

4. Read Your Bible
No matter the sin you are committing, there is always a verse to support you if you know how to twist your English. You want to commit fornication? (Genesis 1:22) And God blessed them saying, Be fruitful, and multiply. You want to indulge in violence? Matthew 11:12) And from the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence and the violent take it by force. You want to drink alcohol? Just say that even Jesus turned water to wine and there is no verse the bible explicitly says that Christians should not get drunk.
As for guilt you feel when committing any sin, do not worry it gets easier each time you commit a sin.

Lovely piece!

hehe perfect definition of who i use to be

am sure it's a perfect definition 98% of Nigerians

dont forget number 5

5. Ability to act holier than thou:
you must be able to judge everyone. those that dressed with their cleaves out. those that go to beer parlors to drink beer (but you can drink red wine with 30% vol of alcohol in your room ), afrocandy kind of people. if they don't go to church on Sunday, judge them all because they are not God fearing (even when you leave your boyfriend's house after TDB) you must be in church or you are not God fearing. JUDGE THEM ALL

Nice one.

And condemn others for acts you regularly commit. When caught out, cry out loud, weep profusely and blame Satan.

I love number 4 most above all cos it perfectly describes a lot of us on this forum that post & reply on this religion section & as well the multitude of new generation funky christians worldwide(g.ay xtians included).Its easy; just find scriptures that justify the abominations u can't do without.Our sins shall find us out.

This is the best read ever.
Well done poster, also remember that you must have office prayer and fellowship, pray before and after every meeting even when you will go right back to faking signatures and conspiring to commit fraud.
Also remember that if you can't have a baby go and do IVF of Buy a baby from a miracle centre then go to Camp and lie that it was when pastor declared the previous year that made you concieve.