Nashville: That is one of the best pieces of advice you can get. Love is relative. Our people say that two friends can share one plot of land peacefully but two enemies cannot share 100 plots without fighting. Friendship is what sustains a marriage. Some people claim they fall in love with people they have nothing in common with. It may just be the person is good looking or rich and that for them is love. A man may shower a lady with expensive gifts and she reciprocates by falling in love. It may be his good looks, voice, charm, charisma, swagger, baby face etc. But all those things do not make a marriage work. Friendship is key.

If your good friend call you that horrible nick name, you will probably laugh and insult him too and it ends there. If someone not so close to you does the same, you will fight like a lion. My point is friendship is what keeps you through the marriage. It is what makes you enjoy each other's company. It is what keeps you through the good times and tough times. When the reality and pressures of raising a family sets in, friendship is what sustains it. Whether you are living in a mansion or a flat, you would rather be with someone you can talk to and share common interests. By then, you would have been tired of the looks, charm, swagger. That is why you hear some people divorce due to unreconciliable differences. That means nothing other than we are just not friends. They could both be very good people but they may just not be friends - that is the meaning of irreconciliable differences.

Woged2005:

I've read this several times trying to come to terms with the sermons we hear from religious men & women everyday about how “God is Love" & how that relates to marriage Vs ur explanation I almost came to the conclusion that secular (worldly) suggestions of Do's & Dont's of life situations are more practical & make more sense than religfious recommendations. So which do we follow - my pastor's or the counselor's?

Ujujoan:

You are right, love is EVERYTHING . . .

The problem is that most people mistake lust for love these days, that's why they are advised not to marry out of 'love'!

Without love, a marriage cannot succeed . . . . but only REAL love stands the test of time.

On my wedding day, I read from the scripture where men were advised to love their wives the way Christ loves the church. So much more that he was willing to give up his life for our sake.

That kind of love does not come overnight. you can only build that kind of love with someone you trust and respect. Someone you value like a friend . . .

Woged2005:

I've read this several times trying to come to terms with the sermons we hear from religious men & women everyday about how “God is Love" & how that relates to marriage Vs ur explanation I almost came to the conclusion that secular (worldly) suggestions of Do's & Dont's of life situations are more practical & make more sense than religfious recommendations. So which do we follow - my pastor's or the counselor's?

Nashville:

Both mean the same thing. There are different kinds of love and the love for brother/sister is different from husband/wife. Love itself is a choice. You choose to love just as God chose to love us. What makes loving easier in marriage is if that person is your friend.

mgbeketoto: Your friend will always be there. . . LOVERS COME AND GO!
In marriage. . . You ALWAYS marry a GOOOOOD FRIEND. . .then keep strings of lovers!
The very best of both worlds. . . .!

I never wish to marry any of my lovers. . . WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. . . .NEVER WILL BE!
Too late to develop 'FRIENDSHIPS' that would be as solid as those I have had in the past.
Not innerestid in 'getting to know "OLD DOGS WITH OLD TRICKS"!
Lovers are just for 'scratch and go' purposes ONLY! Not keepers. . . . USE AND DUMP THEM AT WILL. . . KEEP YOUR 'FRIEND AND HUSBAND'!


LOVERS ARE INTERESTING AND UNSTABLE
FRIENDS ARE BORING AND STABLE

Your choice! I have made mine. . .I AM KEEPING FRIENDS ONLY!
I ONLY KEEP MARRIED LOVERS AND FRIENDS!

bigheart2013:


.. Big, deep hmmmmmmmmm!!! to this candid, blunt contribution. So in the scenarios I gave above the girl in love (lady No.2) should be history? . But u must admit that most marriages are based on people who are 'foolishly' in love and passionate about each other though they may not be friends? Is that why we have divorces everywhere?

mgbeketoto:
... ONCE THE MAN GETS MARRIED TO EITHER #1 OR #2. . .HE NEEDS TO WAIT FOR THE 'LOSER-LADY' TO FIND HER OWN HUSBAND. . . THEN RESUME THE LOVE TRIANGLE. . . WITHOUT GETTING HIS/HER LIFE MESSED UP! Married people should NEVER FOOL AROUND WITH SINGLE PEOPLE . . .AND VICE VERSA

bigheart2013:

Wo! wo!! wo!!!, You all have thrown me into a well of confusion this afternoon, and I am trying to swim out now .

Consider this 2 scenarios: A guy has 2 ladies in his life:

Lady No.1 is not very educated (High School Graduate, while the man is a university graduate). They are best of friends, even buddies that they share almost every info, laf and play like kids. He calls her even in time of pains in his life, they hardly argue (maybe bc the lady has nothing at stake). However, he has no sexual attraction for her even though they can marry (more like best friends). Therefore, if they get married bc they are best friends they may have problems of infidelity. Moreover he is worried about the educational gap.

Lady No 2. Very educated, has a nice job, nice body and carriage. Both are 'in love'. The man is 'In love' with her because she's more of a wife material and fits the picture of 'Mother of his kids', and also may attract more respect to the family. However, they are not as good friends as girl No.1. They argue often & makeup (maybe bc she asserts her rights as an educated lady). She's a bit more conservative than girl No 1, so he really can't do his buddy 'naughty chats' with her, as he does with girl No.1.

If you were to advise this confused man to choose between marrying a friend (Lady No. 1) and marrying a Lover (lady No.2) who will you go for?

carefreewannabe:

I'm with you on this.
The challenge is to find someone you are attracted to and at the same time are friends with.
I think many marriages fail or are unhappy because very few people are lucky enough to find both in one person.

@ those who recommend to marry a friend:
What do you do when you are married and not atrracted to this person? At the end of the day, you share a bed.

Woged2005:

Wahala!! Yet someone wants to convince me that there should be no s*x before marriage in dis day and age when men will dump u once the 'thing' is no longer wet and tight for them... . It's better he finds out b4 marriage that mine is not good enough for him & find someone else than abandon me after marriage bc "..his pastor told him I am a 'witch'..." Lies!! Na who dem wan fool? We all know why they run to younger girls...

carefreewannabe: ...What do you do when you are married and not atrracted to this person? At the end of the day, you share a bed.

Woged2005:


...OMG!! I am rolling on the floor here.. . This is even getting more daisy than anyone could think. Somehow we are getting close to the root of why why marriages are hitting rocks -

People are getting married to wrong people for reasons and qualities that don't last, Period!

Woged2005:

I am referring to the above quote and concurring that you are right that people should marry people they are attracted to. and the rest of the emphasis was mine that I'd rather test for such a 'compatibility' before marriage than after 'marriage'. men will never tell the real reason why they dumped a woman after intimacy. They usually only come up with a nice story, as I stated, to justify it.

mgbeketoto:

Reason:. . . .THERE IS ALWAYS THE POSSIBILITY OF FINDING A BETTER MAN OR WOMAN after marriage!....The one FACT no one can control in ANY RELATIONSHIP is that PEOPLE CHANGE! NO CONDITION IS PERMANENT!...

Woged2005:

I just made that point above but using a different analogy. Therefore, whatever steps anyone takes to identify a real partner who can at least last, is not a waste of time. From your very useful insights, I can tell you are very experienced with relationships. This LOVE 'thing' nawa...looks more like a 'bait' or 'catch word' to lure or catch a 'fish' (the innocent girl). I wish someone can list for me here qualities of a male or female friend to look out for...

Woged2005:

I wish someone can list for me here qualities of a male or female friend to look out for...

mgbeketoto: Your friend will always be there. . . LOVERS COME AND GO!
In marriage. . . You ALWAYS marry a GOOOOOD FRIEND. . .then keep strings of lovers!
The very best of both worlds. . . .!

I never wish to marry any of my lovers. . . WE ARE NOT FRIENDS. . . .NEVER WILL BE!
Too late to develop 'FRIENDSHIPS' that would be as solid as those I have had in the past.
Not innerestid in 'getting to know "OLD DOGS WITH OLD TRICKS"!
Lovers are just for 'scratch and go' purposes ONLY! Not keepers. . . . USE AND DUMP THEM AT WILL. . . KEEP YOUR 'FRIEND AND HUSBAND'!


LOVERS ARE INTERESTING AND UNSTABLE
FRIENDS ARE BORING AND STABLE

Your choice! I have made mine. . .I AM KEEPING FRIENDS ONLY!
I ONLY KEEP MARRIED LOVERS AND FRIENDS!

mgbeketoto:

Very experienced!
You can never tell. . . until it is over.
YOU might even be the one to be WATCHED! Not the other party!
Instead of worrying about others. . . THE REALITY IS THAT PEOPLE TRANSFER THEIR INSECURITIES BY WORRYING ABOUT OTHERS. . . .AKA TRANSPOSITION!
Why spend so much time looking for THE PERFECT TOOLS to spot THE RIGHT ONE. . .?
All you need to do is PLAY WELL YOUR PART. . .!
The rest? OUT OF YOUR CONTROL!

Pure Psychology! ANY GOOD RELATIONSHIP STARTS WITH A SOUND MENTAL HEALTH(not PARANOIA). . .A HEALTHY DOSE OF SELF-LOVE!
THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SINS AND SECRETS IN ANY MARRIAGE. . . . .
When anyone gets to that 'BRIDGE'. . . 2 CHOICES ONLY. . . . JUMP IN or CROSS IT!
Simple!

Much ado about nothing really. . .LIFE IS TO DAMN SHORT. . . ENJOY IT WITHOUT FEAR OF FAILURE!

Woged2005:

Well, well, well some people who were in love & wedded in the church to seal that love turned to worst enemies even hurt & kill one partner when things go wrong. Most times when things aren't going quite the way one party expected it to. Therefore the concept of 'True Love' is questionable today- so much faking! Except we accept most people don't know what love is n the first place.

bigheart2013:

Wo! wo!! wo!!!, You all have thrown me into a well of confusion this afternoon, and I am trying to swim out now .

Consider this 2 scenarios: A guy has 2 ladies in his life:

Lady No.1 is not very educated (High School Graduate, while the man is a university graduate). They are best of friends, even buddies that they share almost every info, laf and play like kids. He calls her even in time of pains in his life, they hardly argue (maybe bc the lady has nothing at stake). However, he has no sexual attraction for her even though they can marry (more like best friends). Therefore, if they get married bc they are best friends they may have problems of infidelity. Moreover he is worried about the educational gap.

Lady No 2. Very educated, has a nice job, nice body and carriage. Both are 'in love'. The man is 'In love' with her because she's more of a wife material and fits the picture of 'Mother of his kids', and also may attract more respect to the family. However, they are not as good friends as girl No.1. They argue often & makeup (maybe bc she asserts her rights as an educated lady). She's a bit more conservative than girl No 1, so he really can't do his buddy 'naughty chats' with her, as he does with girl No.1.

If you were to advise this confused man to choose between marrying a friend (Lady No. 1) and marrying a Lover (lady No.2) who will you go for?

carefreewannabe:

I'm with you on this.
The challenge is to find someone you are attracted to and at the same time are friends with.
I think many marriages fail or are unhappy because very few people are lucky enough to find both in one person.

@ those who recommend to marry a friend:
What do you do when you are married and not atrracted to this person? At the end of the day, you share a bed.

Chillisauce:

At the end of the day, u use your vibrator, or your hand as the case may be, but if you wanna cheat, then find a lover outside

carefreewannabe:

No, thank you!