Please members in the house, kindly help me. I am a 40 year old man, married to a 33year old very beautiful woman. We got married in 2007 when I was 34 and she 27. A very responsible, hardworking, thoroughbred and dutyful wife. I love her so much that I that I cant imagine myself holding the hand of another woman in this my lifetime. We now have 3 kids, 2 boys and 1 girl who are 5, 3 and 1 year old respectively. The issue now is that since 2010 when we had our second child, my wife has gradually shifted attention away from me to the children. She dots on them to the extent of not caring about how I fare at all. Gone were the days when she will look carefully at my dresses before I go out, she prepares my food now, put it on the dining table and start running after the children to make sure they eat, no more time for those love chats again, no more outing except church. Its the children first. I thank God for a wife who is a true mother and wife especially at her age, I am also very close to my children. Being intimate with my wife has been difficult, the children especially the two boys will rather sleep on my bed beside my beautiful wife instead of the beautiful beds I bought for them, I am now forced to even have my own room. I have boasted to those long necked "beautiful ladies" in my office that none of them could compare to my wife in terms of beauty and responsibility and they too know I am not lying. But these days, I am beginning to look the way of these ready and waiting ladies in my office and some other places even though I am seriously controlling myself not to fall for their pranks. My wife is an administrative officer in a govt establishment, she gets home each day to work very hard for all of us, I have been assisting in the area of house cores and in handling our restless children also since I dont like the idea of having housegirls. She will not even allow anyone do "her work" for her. I have discussed it with her on several occasions, she will plead for understanding, try to adjust but to no avail. She is always tired, when the children sleeps, its halleluyah for her, immediately after prayers, she crawls to bed and off she goes, I am feeling lonely friends and outside women or mistresses are no option for me, please what do I do,thank you all...

Sir, ignore her but don't go after women..

It's not easy to cater for "4" babies..

But since you're the "eldest", grow some sorts of independence.
Spend your leisure time on TV, business, investments and other profitable things.

She'll be the one begging you after some time. Body no be wood.

I'm too yung 2 comment on this kinda marrital issue, so I'll just sit back, watch and learn

I am sorry to sound so harsh but you are a selfish man.
So while she is cooking, cleaning, getting the kids ready what are you doing? Sleeping, watching TV and day dreaming about sleeping with other women.
Is she a robot? How many hands and legs does she have?
She works, comes home takes care of 3 kids alone while you wait to be served and petted.
If you helped out more with house chores and taking care of YOUR KIDS you won't have the time to be so whinny.
Also, if you helped out that poor overworked woman will have more free time to spend with you romancing.
When last did you help her out?
When last did you take her out?
When last did you say "Babe just stay on the bed today, I have the kids and the house chores for the day?"

My husband doesn't joke with us time and family time, I use to run around trying to be the perfect house keeper till he showed me there is more to life than cooking and cleaning.
He took the lead, helped me out, made sure we have 2 free nights a week, no cooking, just laze around the house, I also have one free day a month.

Instead of whinning like a spoilt child, go and learn how to lessen the load on your wife so both of you can have more time to love and enjoy your marriage.
It is wicked that you will sit and be thinking of cheating instead of helping the over worked woman out.

You are a Man and the head of your home, how you lead that is how you home will be, if you decide to be a selfish myopic man, that is what your home will become.

Hello, I have been a member for such a long time and have never really posted anything, but have really been enjoying various imputs from this section.
Now, let me just say something, you truly have an awesome wife and I salute you for admitting that. Please don't look elsewhere, the solution is within!
You just have to keep talking and communicating with her. Tell her your fears and I do hope you appreciate her to her face, its not enough to tell people around, make sure she knows also. As a working wife and mother also I totally understand how she feels, I also don't ve a help, its so stressful atimes. Please know that she loves you but probably just overwhelmed.
Communicate and find quality time together!
Cheers and I pray it works out well for you both.

My brother,these kids are a handful and could be overwhelmiing, especially at their present age.
I'm sure most of her actions are involuntary and not a delebrate ploy to neglate you.
I'll suggest you guys talk and find a way of working around the situation .mind you,she also need rest and some lone time as well.
IMO ,you should reconsider your opinion in respect to babysitters.
She really needs more help if you want your wife and bed back.

debrief08: I am sorry to sound so harsh but you are a selfish man.
So while she is cooking, cleaning, getting the kids ready what are you doing? Sleeping, watching TV and day dreaming about sleeping with other women.
Is she a robot? How many hands and legs does she have?
She works, comes home takes care of 3 kids alone while you wait to be served and petted.
If you helped out more with house chores and taking care of YOUR KIDS you won't have the time to be so whinny.
Also, if you helped out that poor overworked woman will have more free time to spend with you romancing.
When last did you help her out?
When last did you take her out?
When last did you say "Babe just stay on the bed today, I have the kids and the house chores for the day?"

My husband doesn't joke with us time and family time, I use to run around trying to be the perfect house keeper till he showed me there is more to life than cooking and cleaning.
He took the lead, helped me out, made sure we have 2 free nights a week, no cooking, just laze around the house, I also have one free day a month.

Instead of whinning like a spoilt child, go and learn how to lessen the load on your wife so both of you can have more time to love and enjoy your marriage.
It is wicked that you will sit and be thinking of cheating instead of helping the over worked woman out.

You are a Man and the head of your home, how you lead that is how you home will be, if you decide to be a selfish myopic man, that is what your home will become.

De De,you don use laugh tear my belle this early morning. Abeg go easy on the man jare.
Op make I sleep and wake up again cause as it is,I don't even know what to tell you other than you should be greatful and love your wife more,if possible get a big wrapper,put her on your back and guard her with your life body and soul. Abeg I no fit shout jare.

Chai women,una weldone oo.

Madam debfrief,

Did you missed the part where he said he helped with the house chores and his wife doesnt even allow any single soul to help her with the house work.

Please read carefully before concluding your comments.

@ Oga at the Top.

You are a man and you dont have to stream your family plight to the public for you to know the next to take. Like they always say, communication is the key to successfull relationship. Have you try to discuss this with her?

debrief08: I am sorry to sound so harsh but you are a selfish man.
So while she is cooking, cleaning, getting the kids ready what are you doing? Sleeping, watching TV and day dreaming about sleeping with other women.
Is she a robot? How many hands and legs does she have?
She works, comes home takes care of 3 kids alone while you wait to be served and petted.
If you helped out more with house chores and taking care of YOUR KIDS you won't have the time to be so whinny.
Also, if you helped out that poor overworked woman will have more free time to spend with you romancing.
When last did you help her out?
When last did you take her out?
When last did you say "Babe just stay on the bed today, I have the kids and the house chores for the day?"

My husband doesn't joke with us time and family time, I use to run around trying to be the perfect house keeper till he showed me there is more to life than cooking and cleaning.
He took the lead, helped me out, made sure we have 2 free nights a week, no cooking, just laze around the house, I also have one free day a month.

Instead of whinning like a spoilt child, go and learn how to lessen the load on your wife so both of you can have more time to love and enjoy your marriage.
It is wicked that you will sit and be thinking of cheating instead of helping the over worked woman out.

You are a Man and the head of your home, how you lead that is how you home will be, if you decide to be a selfish myopic man, that is what your home will become.

he helps her with the chores. I think communication on thr part of the man will solve the whole problem.ig he can tell the wife all he has written here and the wife adjusts,they'll be just fine

chaircover: I commend you for "shouting" out about the situation before you go and do anything stupid.

I looked again at your kids ages and I see that they are very younng. Right now I have a 2 and a 3 year old staying with us on holiday and I am shocked at how boisterous and time consuming it is to look after these kids even though their mums are there. They want to eat different things at different times and everything is a toy to them. They have no concept of fear. yesterday one drew on my door, and the other put his hand in our pets food and last night we found a big chunk of wall paper on the floor where one (we dont know which one) had picked the edge off the wall paper off and carried on tearing. . . .basically looking after toddlers is hard work and you cant leave them alone for a second.

What can I say?? It will pass and the kids will become older and they wont need as much of your time. My kids are much older now and My husband and I spend a lot more quality time together now and we are able to do so much more now, than we could then.

In the meantime, you do however have to build on that foundation so that the marriage is not fagged out before the kids get older. You say that you help with the housechores, however sometimes all it takes is a little tweak here and there to make the chores easier and better managed time-wise. So look at the chores and see what can be done to make it easier for you both so that time saved can be spent on you both.

As regards not wanting a househelp. there are people who come in daily and help. This will take some of the burden off your wife. The househelps dont have to live with you.

Most importantly, communicate your fears with your wife. Not in an accusing or judgmental way, but in a way, where you bring workable suggestions to the table to ease the situation. You also need to implement certain things into your relationship such as date nights, where you both agree to spend quality time with each other.

Sir, im being honest here, and you are also going to have to accept that she now has more responsibilities and you therefore have to readjust to this. She may have had the time to check that all your shirts were crisply ironed when it was just the 2 of you, but now, you are going to have to take up some of that responsibleness yourself. So help where you can. You are a grown man now, and should be able to take care of your appearance.

As for the long necks in your office; they are a mirage. If you marry any one of them, they too will come with their own issues and the only reason why they seem to have your time is because they have nothing else doing. Land them with a few babies and they too wont have your time. So dont you even think that the grass on the other side is greener. its all photoshop. Once upon a time your own wife was a long neck too, before you gave her 3 in 5 years

seriously, you both need to prioritize the important things and you both need to formally agree "us time". it has to be formal, or you both wont ever get round to doing it.

One of the main joys of marriage is having children, but there must also be a balance. she sounds like a very responsible woman and I want to believe that she will be saddened and def want to make changes if she knew how lonely and bad you feel about all this. Talk to her again. let her know that you are not looking for a superwoman and it doesn't matter if you eat out some evenings etc

I will like you to both work together at relighting the fire in your relationship. All the best.

sorry for the epistle

perfect.you have said it all

Will u shaaaaaaarraaap ur mouth there!!!
Ur wife is silently passing a deadly info to u and u r here whinning.

Please let's define "Helping out", a man takes his plate to the kitchen once a month and that is defined as "helping out".

I apologise for being so harsh earlier.
My husband and I had exactly the same issues, he took me out one night and explained all these to me, we worked out a solution and since then have not looked back.
Take her out of the house and madness and talk to her gently.

Roving eyes won't help the situation

debrief08: Please let's define "Helping out", a man takes his plate to the kitchen once a month and that is defined as "helping out".

I apologise for being so harsh earlier.
My husband and I had exactly the same issues, he took me out one night and explained all these to me, we worked out a solution and since then have not looked back.
Take her out of the house and madness and talk to her gently.

Roving eyes won't help the situation

This should have been your first comment.

kulyie: perfect.you have said it all

Hello kulyie.
Saw ur subsequent post on that thread. That's exactly the kuyle I like reading her posts. Thanks for that.

I'm not tryin but I always feel the pains of those in it.
Thanks again.

seedord247: Madam debfrief,

Did you missed the part where he said he helped with the house chores and his wife doesnt even allow any single soul to help her with the house work.

Please read carefully before concluding your comments.

@ Oga at the Top.

You are a man and you dont have to stream your family plight to the public for you to know the next to take. Like they always say, communication is the key to successfull relationship. Have you try to discuss this with her?

R u a woman and married? Gosh,read that post again.
That woman is completely gone. That op said she likes doin everything by herself is an understatement.
If she so much like to kill herself with work,and u poster don't want her to die b4 her time, why is washine machine,dish washer,vacuum cleaner and all the rest made for? Hv u ever changed baby diaper?
If she can't allow u in her so called kitchen,what stops u from coming back one day and taking everybody out so she don't hv to cook that day.
Typical male ego.

Seadord, I apologise,forgive my oversight.
I was just upset that instead of thinking of how to grow his family he is thinking of how to break it.

This period can be overwhelming, I understand the wife because I had to learn slowly to also let go of some things and let people help even if it is not done perfectly.

However, my grouse was with a man with a beautiful home instead of investing energy and time to build it is taking the easy way out, if this woman now finds out and says she wants out because her sacrifices are being paid back with cheating we will come and shout "western" influence.

Like I said, let his helping roles be defined, if wifey knows husband has so and so covered she will relax more, if its properly planned, they can also plan their alone time, outside the bedroom.
It is also very healthy and important to give her one day to herself. It can get crazy abeg.

She is doing the right thing wrongly.
Men are heads of the home and if the home scatters na them God go ask. It is not just about getting the biggest piece of meat and over spoilt, being a husband comes with huge responsibilities not looking for the easy way out

@Poster,

I gladly appreciate you for acknowledging that you have a good lady as a wife and also a responsible mother who cares a lot for her children. Your commendation and praise of her alone is enough for you to find a balance in resolving this impasse. Before I add my contribution, I want to encourage and warn you before you wreck your home.

Please, whatever thoughts and ideas of infidelity that may be springing up in your mind should be dealt with immediately. Never you think it will solve your problem, it will only compound it and bring untold woes upon you and the family. The devil doesn't tempt people with what they don't like but what they love and he explores very area of weakness to break in. You have a happy and responsible family, please and please, do not invite chaos and anarchy through infidelity into your home. Give the devil an inch, he will take a mile. If you don't kill what you are harbouring now, it will grow to become a mighty tree you wouldn't be able to deal with. Before it gets to that level, kill and deal with the thoughts NOW.

Concerning your wife, it is very important at this stage to have an understanding of the workings of female psychology when it comes to children. As a man, there are some things you can overlook about those kids which the maternal instinct in your wife will never do. It is normal at this stage to be completely emotionally bound to those young children. However, the bond can be worked upon to your favour depending on what you do and did not do. You made a mistake leaving the room for her and the children to be alone in another room. No matter what you do, that action is not bridging any gap between you and your wife with the children. I understand perfectly why you did that but its not the right thing to do. Go back to your room, if the boys will not sleep in their room, you can bring their beds to yours and when they are asleep, transfer them to their own beds. You will have time to cuddle and hold your wife through the nite and also recreate the midnite bonding between couples.

Helping your wife with chores is the right thing to do and not a priviledge for her. Despite your help, it seems she has too many to handle. If you can afford it, buy her a washing machine as well as dish washing machine to ease the laundry and dishes. During the weekend, you can have your children be taken to your parents' place and both of you can have a nice time together all alone. In essence, ignite the romantic fire in your home. Whatever passion you plan for those girls catching your attention, exert it upon your wife.

Finally, you may have been discussing the issue with your wife but yet to communicate. Only communication works and not just talking. It is the only medium that can hit the required spot. You know your wife very well and you know how you get his attention to do your bidding and vice-versa. She needs to understand your passion and loneliness during this period so she can find a way to adjust while you play a big part in helping her.

On a lighter note, do not be jealous of your boys' closeness to your wife, that is how boys are. They will always cling to their mother while the girls are attached to their father. I guess that is how nature works. They will soon outgrow running after their mum. Its only a matter of time.

May the Lord help you put things in order. It is well with your home.

All i hear is me this me that, and all i see is a selfish man

Make una take am easy on the man.He's here to learn.

Op,take a good look at all CC said.

One thing i'll just add is that you need to consider getting a help,either live in househelp or visiting one.

Aafulenu: All i hear is me this me that, and all i see is a selfish man

On what ground? I see sentiment here, if the husband were to be an army officer, would expect him to come back from the war front and takecare of the house and kids? Hey the woman should allow a helpping hand. Don't tell me nonsense.

People fail to understand that life at every moment is based on the state of mind. Obviously you wife is caring and being a good mother,but she must not forget to be a good wife just as you are trying to be a good husband to her. There are millions of good mothers out there who totally forget how to be lovers to their spouce. Just like chemical reactions,her actions will gradually push you into the arms of other ladies.

My advice is you speak to her and make her understand how you feel. If possible help her with some house chores. Do not leave everything domestic to her,you need to show her you are useful in those area too. Remember every relationship should be 50/50. If you give any less it will not work .

mrs debrief...


No wahala. I understamd you perfectly well. Like i always say, 70% of nigerian men dont know what they call maturity. They think being mature is all about age and looks. I dont blame the OP thou, he forget so soon that those era of my wife must do what i say or she must obey me at any giving time. Lol.

Firsr the Op must learn what being a man is all bout, its not just coming home and expect your food on the table and still expect that poor woman that uses (all her valuable time to prepare your dinner, take care of the kids and clean the house) to open her vaginaaa to satisfy your sexual needs all in the name of i'm an African man.

A man must always take responsibilty of every thing... Be ready to take responsibilty for your actions be it good or bad. One of the meaning of the word husband means a man who skillfully manage is household.

Show leadership... If a man like the op want to be seen as a worthy husban and have a good relationship with his woman, he has to show leadership. When he sees a situation that needs to be dealt with, he should step forward and handle it. People admire those who step forward to handle difficult situations. We don't admire those who stand back and wait for others to solve the problem.

Make Decusions.... the meanings of the word "manly" is being decisive. A man needs to make decisions and take responsibility for the outcome. If he's reluctant to make decisions, she may resent him( like the op wife did) Part of making decisions is understanding the other person's views and being flexible. She doesn't want someone controlling her, but she also doesn't want someone who leaves every decision to her. A man who is afraid of making a wrong decision should ask himself: Who should make decisions? -- someone who isn't afraid of making mistakes.

I wished i can type more. Itz time to eat sari lol.

But OP... Be a man before calling yourself a husand.

Get time saving equipment like washing machines etc

Get a help that comes in daily or twice weekly

Let her reduce her ginjah

A little dirt never hurtt anyone

Drop the kids with their grandparants and take a 5 day break to cotonou, whispering palm or dubai or the famed obudu showdown( re baba oyo )

You already have a positive mind so don't go down that slope

It could be deadly

Mrs chaircover.

The wife is using the kids as no weapon fashion againt my pant tonight shall prosper.

I don't get why una dey attack the man

It is a sign of strenth for him to come out and express his challenges

This is the family section and it's to provide advice and succour not knock one when he is down

debrief08: I am sorry to sound so harsh but you are a selfish man.
So while she is cooking, cleaning, getting the kids ready what are you doing? Sleeping, watching TV and day dreaming about sleeping with other women.
Is she a robot? How many hands and legs does she have?
She works, comes home takes care of 3 kids alone while you wait to be served and petted.
If you helped out more with house chores and taking care of YOUR KIDS you won't have the time to be so whinny.
Also, if you helped out that poor overworked woman will have more free time to spend with you romancing.
When last did you help her out?
When last did you take her out?
When last did you say "Babe just stay on the bed today, I have the kids and the house chores for the day?"

My husband doesn't joke with us time and family time, I use to run around trying to be the perfect house keeper till he showed me there is more to life than cooking and cleaning.
He took the lead, helped me out, made sure we have 2 free nights a week, no cooking, just laze around the house, I also have one free day a month.

Instead of whinning like a spoilt child, go and learn how to lessen the load on your wife so both of you can have more time to love and enjoy your marriage.
It is wicked that you will sit and be thinking of cheating instead of helping the over worked woman out.

You are a Man and the head of your home, how you lead that is how you home will be, if you decide to be a selfish myopic man, that is what your home will become.

joa2013: I have been assisting in the area of house chores and in handling our restless children

@Debrief, I doubt your husband would come here to seek for advice to handle such matters. But since Mr. Joa2013 is here, showing how ill-equipped he is, it would be more constructive to show him how to go about solving his dilemma. Just saying.

X

Nice thread, wonderful comments.
Lol @ 'acidosis' 4 babies and since u're d eldest'
CC nailed it!

biolabee: I don't get why una dey attack the man

It is a sign of strenth for him to come out and express his challenges

This is the family section and it's to provide advice and succour not knock one when he is down

Isn't this nairaland, the place everyone is holier than the Holy Spirit and wiser than Solomon? He's lucky he opened this thread on a tuesday morning. I shudder to think of the responses had it been a sunday afternoon/evening.
I guess people just must judge and condemn.

Fresh Dude, Like I said, it was not easy, and I apologise again for being hard on the OP, but marriage is hard work.
Let's remember that in the garden of eden even though God knew Eve erred, He asked Adam to give account because the man is responsible for what ever happens in the home.

Men should spend more time thinking of creative ways to make their homes safe and grow, keep their kids safe and their wives happy.

My husband as I said after many quarrels took me away from my crazy schedule and shared his fears and feelings, again we stayed up one night and shared the chores so I was relaxed to know that he was responsible for somethings and I didn't have to worry about them.
"Helping out" to most men is that they do something once a month, if you ask them to do it again it becomes that you have turned them into house helps.

Op and his wife should sit and discuss clearly how to run their home, running around because he doesn't get attention is childish and not manly.