joa2013: Please members in the house, kindly help me. I am a 40 year old man, married to a 33year old very beautiful woman. We got married in 2007 when I was 34 and she 27. A very responsible, hardworking, thoroughbred and dutyful wife. I love her so much that I that I cant imagine myself holding the hand of another woman in this my lifetime. We now have 3 kids, 2 boys and 1 girl who are 5, 3 and 1 year old respectively. The issue now is that since 2010 when we had our second child, my wife has gradually shifted attention away from me to the children. She dots on them to the extent of not caring about how I fare at all. Gone were the days when she will look carefully at my dresses before I go out, she prepares my food now, put it on the dining table and start running after the children to make sure they eat, no more time for those love chats again, no more outing except church. Its the children first. I thank God for a wife who is a true mother and wife especially at her age, I am also very close to my children. Being intimate with my wife has been difficult, the children especially the two boys will rather sleep on my bed beside my beautiful wife instead of the beautiful beds I bought for them, I am now forced to even have my own room. I have boasted to those long necked "beautiful ladies" in my office that none of them could compare to my wife in terms of beauty and responsibility and they too know I am not lying. But these days, I am beginning to look the way of these ready and waiting ladies in my office and some other places even though I am seriously controlling myself not to fall for their pranks. My wife is an administrative officer in a govt establishment, she gets home each day to work very hard for all of us, I have been assisting in the area of house cores and in handling our restless children also since I dont like the idea of having housegirls. She will not even allow anyone do "her work" for her. I have discussed it with her on several occasions, she will plead for understanding, try to adjust but to no avail. She is always tired, when the children sleeps, its halleluyah for her, immediately after prayers, she crawls to bed and off she goes, I am feeling lonely friends and outside women or mistresses are no option for me, please what do I do,thank you all...

awww. People can get caught up in their lives and i think she feels you will understand. Why not help her do some chores as well and help her settle the kids. You are their dad, kids listen to that strong voice quicker than the soft voices of their mums. Maybe you guys should try to do more house work and relax on the weekends, so that her week days are less stressful. Even if it means going to the kitchen and helping her turn the swallow or assisting her in cooking the soup or warming it. Also make your children involved in helping her too, by behaving themselves and cleaning up after themselves. This is the price you all have to pay for settling with not having a help. Everyone must help. And let her know you feel left out and you need her attention just as much as the kids. Madam if you are reading this, as i suspect this guy did not post this here without hoping you will see it, behave yourself. Everything does not have to be perfect. And chase those naughty kids to their rooms and their territory. They shouldnt be sleeping with you guys. Not even the 1yr old.

LOL @ turning swallow Do men really do that?

OP don't listen to me oh... diff strokes.

Madam db nothing spoil

We still vote for you anyday

Carry goooo

debrief08: The apology was because I rushed in to scold him without reading the part where he stated he helps her out.
However you will notice I adviced that the "helping out" be structured so she can know what areas are covered and relax a little.

jidegirl12:
Last night...Chicken nugget and fries, Rice and sweet & sour sauce and last one cinnamon and apple oatmeal. while we parents had completely diff meal, all made by moi

Mumsy, I hail una o

jidegirl12: LOL @ turning swallow Do men really do that?

OP don't listen to me oh... diff strokes.

Well now. That should even be their job especially when there is no househelp and everyone is tired after a hard days job. They are very efficient and turning swallow with their strong hands

debrief08: I am sorry to sound so harsh but you are a selfish man.
So while she is cooking, cleaning, getting the kids ready what are you doing? Sleeping, watching TV and day dreaming about sleeping with other women.
Is she a robot? How many hands and legs does she have?
She works, comes home takes care of 3 kids alone while you wait to be served and petted.
If you helped out more with house chores and taking care of YOUR KIDS you won't have the time to be so whinny.
Also, if you helped out that poor overworked woman will have more free time to spend with you romancing.
When last did you help her out?
When last did you take her out?
When last did you say "Babe just stay on the bed today, I have the kids and the house chores for the day?"

My husband doesn't joke with us time and family time, I use to run around trying to be the perfect house keeper till he showed me there is more to life than cooking and cleaning.
He took the lead, helped me out, made sure we have 2 free nights a week, no cooking, just laze around the house, I also have one free day a month.

Instead of whinning like a spoilt child, go and learn how to lessen the load on your wife so both of you can have more time to love and enjoy your marriage.
It is wicked that you will sit and be thinking of cheating instead of helping the over worked woman out.

You are a Man and the head of your home, how you lead that is how you home will be, if you decide to be a selfish myopic man, that is what your home will become.

pointless response. did you read his post at all?

debrief08: Please let's define "Helping out", a man takes his plate to the kitchen once a month and that is defined as "helping out".

I apologise for being so harsh earlier.
My husband and I had exactly the same issues, he took me out one night and explained all these to me, we worked out a solution and since then have not looked back.
Take her out of the house and madness and talk to her gently.

Roving eyes won't help the situation

i think he very clearly indicated that was not an option. I have to ask, do people read posts before commenting these days?

Chillisauce:

Fvck apology! Who are you apologizing to. As far as am concerned, Nigeria Men need iron hand to tackle issue. Stop all this medemende and hit the nail on the head.


Upon all the wife is giving him, working, taking care of kids etc, he is still complaining, even if she is a great lover in bed, he will still want to try something else,

Nigerian Men change o!

All that is useless if the marriage relationship is not growing. A smarter woman would outsource most of this work to a house-help so she can focus some of her energies on pleasing her husband. What is the point in keeping a spotless kitchen when your man hasnt had intimate knowledge of his wife in months? Didnt the same bible she is reading tell her not to deprive her man of her body?

I.Joan:


Mumsy, I hail una o

How we for do now you're invited too, make a choice easy life.

baby_123:

Well now. That should even be their job especially when there is no househelp and everyone is tired after a hard days job. They are very efficient and turning swallow with their strong hands

Are you turning swallow for 10 people?? ... Sorry oh I'm home now and in the kitchen taking a look at my tiny wooden spoon I use for turning one cup of powder for both of us.

I'd rather tone my Michele Obama aspired guns turning that swallow everyday instead of those 50kg weights.

Don't mind me jare, diff strokes.

Long time... How's work & family?


Can you people leave Debrief alone already abi wetin?

Selfish agbaya. Why don't you share the job with her and force her to rest until you are done. Then you can return and have some good loving-that is if there is any strength left in you.

OP how far with you?

Any update from Useful Advice you've read so far?

blink182: Selfish agbaya. Why don't you share the job with her and force her to rest until you are done. Then you can return and have some good loving-that is if there is any strength left in you.

The poster stated clearly that he helps at home

WHat else do you need? Do you want him to post videos of him helping at home with chores before you are convinced?

ibkaye you seem very ejucated lady are you from nigeria?

ibkaye:

GoergeAlbania: ibkaye you seem very ejucated lady are you from nigeria?

really? Yes I am from Nigeria

yes...i am from albania..you know this country?

ibkaye:
really? Yes I am from Nigeria

GoergeAlbania: yes...i am from albania..you know this country?

Yes I have heard of Albania

i want to ask you some stuff...is a chance we can chat?

ibkaye:
Yes I have heard of Albania

Stuff like what? Sure, find a chatroom on Nairaland somewhere and we can chat there I guess

well since i am new to nairaland can you guide me how i do that?or else i can yahoo or skype

ibkaye: Stuff like what? Sure, find a chatroom on Nairaland somewhere and we can chat there I guess

Just come here https://www.nairaland.com/1003848/literature-writing-sections-chat-central/513

can i make a new room and invite you?

ibkaye: Just come here https://www.nairaland.com/1003848/literature-writing-sections-chat-central/513

@op
sorry for the major derail

for real Davidylan?
Nigerian guys want to marry a woman who is neat, we all know that.
I once had dinner with a good friend who told me he dumped the girl he was planning to marry because the kitchen is always dirty eg after cooking, she doesn't clean up.
They want to marry a Christian lady, preferably born again.
Now you are saying those qualities aren't important if her hubby intimate desires are not met?
odikwa serious.

Anyway, how are you doing nwa mama.

davidylan:

All that is useless if the marriage relationship is not growing. A smarter woman would outsource most of this work to a house-help so she can focus some of her energies on pleasing her husband. What is the point in keeping a spotless kitchen when your man hasnt had intimate knowledge of his wife in months? Didnt the same bible she is reading tell her not to deprive her man of her body?

armyofone: for real Davidylan?
Nigerian guys want to marry a woman who is neat, we all know that.
I once had dinner with a good friend who told me he dumped the girl he was planning to marry because the kitchen is always dirty eg after cooking, she doesn't clean up.
They want to marry a Christian lady, preferably born again.
Now you are saying those qualities aren't important if her hubby intimate desires are not met?
odikwa serious.

Anyway, how are you doing nwa mama.

all you mention and intimate desires are not mutually exclusive. However, as in all things, there is time for everything. As busy as the wife is, she still finds time to log in her normal ours at work. So why should she deprive her husband of her body? It doesnt matter how neat the house is... without intimacy that marriage is simply a divorce or adultery waiting to happen. You can clean your house, raise your kids and still please your husband too.

Chase those kids from your room ( most important) . As long as they are clean, not sick and fed, a little (or a lot) crying depending on how they want to play it will do them no harm. Once that is done, other things will fall into place. The most important is having that few minutes before bedtime to talk or whatnots

Also, cliche answer but you and your wife need date night at least once a month where you "dump" the kids on grandma, a trusted friend or a professional nanny.

Mr Husband, don't fret too much, this is just a stage once those kids are at that stage where they are not solely depended on her, wife will once more give you the attention you crave.

Let them get to the "mummy I am a big boy, i can bath myself, mummmmmy" wife will once more get back to her senses and realise those kids (opoju) by 25 years they will be gone to have their own family etc and she will remember her husband but until then it is YOUR job in the interim to make sure that by then you are not strangers.

Hahahaha.... ^^^^ your husband must like that thing more than IYan.

The OP is not helping out abeg . Just one of those lies to get sympathy. If he is truely helping out woth those 3 children, either

1. The wife will be there for him for love making or

2. OP will be the one passing out after the kids are in bed.

Btw, big congrats to the super women.
Now OP, get to work and help batth, clothe those beauriful kids you gave birth to.

Am sure by the time you try to make them sleep one night then u know what ur wife is passing through.

Anyway, make i stop here, na your wife i even blame for spoiling you.

Spoilt big whinning baby

^^^^ Why pass a complete judgement for what you have no full idea nor understanding about?

chaircover: David is right. We are sometimes guilty of focusing on the wrong things and It will do us a great good to listen to our men when they are talking (and vice versa) because most of the answers to our questions are actually not far away from our partners mouths.

Giving my own example, My husbands birthday fell during our trip to Nigeria, so without him knowing, id booked a cake and bought lots of decorations & balloons to decorate the house, table cloth and confetti for the cake table and everything I needed to have a barbecue for his birthday and hid them all under the spare tyre in my car boot [s]thats where all those shoes I buy get hidden too[/s] & at the bottom of my wardrobe as I didnt want him to see them as it was meant to be a surprise.

I got the kids to fill in the cards, bought and wrapped the presents and again managed to bring them all to Nigeria and hide it in the house without him seeing them. It was all planned until a day before his birthday we found out that we had to be at a very important engagement which we couldn't turn down and it meant we will sleep away from home in a hotel. I cant go and be decorating a hotel room with birthday banners & balloons especially as we were leaving very early the next morning and I was sooooooooo upset. All my hard work and all my plans thwarted.

He noticed that I wasn't myself and eventually I told him everything and why I was upset, by this time I was in tears. Do you know what my husband said to me?
He said, stop crying and he wiped my tears and in the course of him petting me, he said "All these things dont freak me. I dont care if you dont even wish me happy birthday. The only thing that freaks me is good lovemaking. That is enough for me and as long as I c ;Darry on getting this regularly, I am happy!

LOBATAN!!!

The thing I dey find for sokoto, dey my sokoto!! and I should have just packed my Victoria Secret and my babydoll. . . Less luggage sef

.Yeeepa Oga CC is like most men ojere all this your birthday sereren means nothing without the icing on the cake .Thank you for reminding me, hubby birthday is coming up.

No matter how we deny it, intimacy is a very important part of marriage and as jidegirl illustrated , you often have to get creative with very young kids.As I said, we almost went down that path until an aunty came to stay for a night.She saw me and my daughter going in to bed(she was about 1) and my husband going to sleep in another room.She is not a poke nosy type but she called me about 2 days later and apologised that she was going to point something out to me, she told get your daughter out of YOUR bed fast.I was like but she cries and wont sleep if my body is not near (she actually knew my smell).She said its sleep training, take a holiday cos yeah you might hardly get any sleep and would go into work exhausted.

If I am being honest, me and hubby were gradually turning to just parents and not a couple.All we did revolved around this lil princess. We went weeks without s.eex cos sometimes I would think I would quickly sneak to his room when she was asleep but cos I had gone to work, came home and stressed myself, I would just sleep till the next morning.

So, get them out of your room, pillow talk is essential for intimacy.2nd step talk to her to prioritise duties.Let her bulk cook and freeze.Its easier cooking basics like rice, swallow than cooking a whole pot of soup when you get back from work.You handle the kids getting to bed, when my husband says bedtime, you never get daddy pls 2 more mins like me.Spend time apart from the kids.It might not be possible to always get someone to babysit, but you can have date nights in your house sef.I know its not practical for us to get childcare help routinely, most times sef we rather pay.

It might be selfish but my kids must have routine bed time not just cos it's good for them, but also for my sanity and marriage