For me, getting on a bus in Lagos has gone beyond a simple act of trying to get from one place to another. It is now an event that must undergo serious consideration, planning and quite a few calculations (physics, chemistry and biology all combined). Here are the five things I consider before I board a bus in Lagos.

1) The size of the bus: Seriously, don’t blame me for trying to differentiate between an actual bus and a pack of St Louis sugar but some buses in Lagos look like the drivers are trying out an experiment to see how many human beings can sit and smile in the smallest space imaginable. Some buses I have boarded in our center of excellence are so small that world class contortionists would charge premium rates to get inside. And it’s the smallest busses that have the most seats somehow and for someone like me with long legs, it is nearly impossible not to have my knees bumping into the, er, behind of the person sitting right in front of me. Which gets me certain glares from certain ladies. Which is why I now sit right behind the driver on public buses.

2) Whether the person I would sit beside is a motor mechanic. Forgive me for sounding like this but don’t roadside mechanics ever consider that the person that would sit beside them on a bus would be someone say, going for a job interview or an important meeting and his/her clothes have to remain spotless (and not black polka dotted/smudged) before and after boarding a bus. I mean, last week, I was on a bus and someone suddenly slid in beside me only for me to notice with horror all the grease and motor oil smudged all over him. I was wearing a white shirt for goodness sakes and as the guy was trying to extract his fare from his rather tight pants, I had to shrink away from him to prevent my shirt from being his towel. I mean, is there anything wrong with having a clean overall for when they have to quickly dash somewhere on public transport?

3) The, er, size of the people on the bus. Again, my apologies, but there should be a rule disallowing people of a particular, er, radius from numbering more than one on a bus seat in a danfo bus. I recently found myself seated between two *clears throat* generously sized women on a bus and I was thinking it was bad enough, only to see another one waddling towards the bus! And there was only space left for one more passenger! And it was on that particular seat! Having had a similar experience the week before with two large men and one horizontally expansive woman, I quickly remembered that I forgot to remember something of some sort and got off the bus for my own good. If I wanted to lose weight, I would hit the gym, not have it pressed out of me. Again, my apologies t plus sized people. Hope no offense taken!

4) The driver’s eyes: They say don’t drink and drive, and with the number of accidents recorded each year in Naija, you would think people would heed to that advice. We wish! I have been on a bus that had me saying prayers all the way to my destination with me eventually getting off two bus stops away from mine having been convinced that if I stayed on, I wouldn’t get there alive. Funny thing is that it is possible the driver wasn’t drunk but if someone sober drives like that, just imagine what someone with red, alcohol knocked-about eyes would do. And considering I see certain drivers and conductors smoking weed while a hot sun is bearing down on all and sundry, the idea that one driver might suddenly go insane while at the wheel makes this a pretty important concern!

(Note: You might also want to find out what colour the conductor's eyes are before arguing with him over change. He might just strip naked to prove his point y'know!)

5) Well, the general appearance of the bus! Call me picky but I’m rather careful about what the buses I board look like. I haven’t always been like that but when a bus door suddenly flew off while the bus I was on was roaring at top speed on third mainland bridge, I added this to my list of personal principles! Mainly because I was the one seated right beside said flying door! Not to talk of buses with so many sharp edges that you would board with a regular shirt and disembark with something that looks more like lace. The bus doesn’t have to look brand new, but c’mon, if it looks like the body would suddenly fall of while in transit, I’d rather wait for the next bus!

(Note: Before someone calls me a bad belle person, I live in Lagos, which is why I specified. I don’t know how buses elsewhere (and fat people elsewhere) operate!)

http://zakuraweekly.com/five-things-i-consider-before-boarding-a-lagos-bus/

LMAO @ bus door suddenly flying off while moving at top speed!
Thank Zeus you werent hurt.
This write up is soo true. The experiences are what makes Lagos unique.
Hilarious and nicely written Senb.

I pray make God give u money make u buy car quick cos if u cont lyk dis u go the for yjunction

Senb, e be like sey emergency never hold you. When it does, nobody will tell you to fly into the first rickety contraption that comes trundling your direction, even if it looks like something that has been on the road since after the civil war.

Lagos buses na die. I have had some pretty good dresses ruined by those meat hangers called buses. Being a plus sized lady myself, when boarding a bus, I quickly look out for the seat with the tiniest set of individuals and head there. If there are none and I am not in a hurry, I wait for another bus. However, if I am in a hurry, I simply lock up, bone face, join my fellow well fed co-passengers on the seat and damn the consequences

Thereby turning the unfortunate lepa like me in the bus to sandwich stuffing

LOL. Imagine a convention of fat women in a bus and only one small seat remaining just for you. And they all just finished eating beans and boiled egg

Leopantro: LOL. Imagine a convention of fat women in a bus and only one small seat remaining just for you. And they all just finished eating beans and boiled egg

And to make matters worse, you get stuck in traffic

Mynd_44: Thereby turning the unfortunate lepa like me in the bus to sandwich stuffing

When you sef refused to add weight

Ishilove:
When you sef refused to add weight

Don't you dare blame it on me

Mynd_44:
Don't you dare blame it on me

O sorry, I forgot you were dieting

Ahh good ol Lasgidi, those were the days. So glad I don't have to do this on a daily anymore but sometimes when I do I just enjoy the experience.

Well done Senb, good writers make us smell the coffee.

The smell of the conductor's armpit follow join(especially if I'm to sit by the conductor ).
If on coming near I smell "any any" I no go enter again oh, before I develop asthma overnight

I've once been helplessly cheated while on a bus. I paid for a seat, you see, but I ended up sitting on the extraneous hips of the women on my right and left sides.

The other day, I was luckier. The taxi I stopped should carry four passengers. There was actually three people in the backseat but one generously made woman was already dealing with the other two passengers in the taxi. The driver said, "There is space for one more person." I closed the door and replied, "No. Your taxi is full."

slap1: I've once been helplessly cheated while on a bus. I paid for a seat, you see, but I ended up sitting on the extraneous hips of the women on my right and left sides.

The other day, I was luckier. The taxi I stopped should carry four passengers. There was actually three people in the backseat but one generously made woman was already dealing with the other two passengers in the taxi. The driver said, "There is space for one more person." I closed the door and replied, "No. Your taxi is full."

Lolz!!! like seriously?!!!!

Leopantro: LOL. Imagine a convention of fat women in a bus and only one small seat remaining just for you. And they all just finished eating beans and boiled egg

as my naija guys would say, "na die be dat!!!"

switdil: I pray make God give u money make u buy car quick cos if u cont lyk dis u go the for yjunction

amen!!!!

Ishilove: Senb, e be like sey emergency never hold you. When it does, nobody will tell you to fly into the first rickety contraption that comes trundling your direction, even if it looks like something that has been on the road since after the civil war.

Lagos buses na die. I have had some pretty good dresses ruined by those meat hangers called buses. Being a plus sized lady myself, when boarding a bus, I quickly look out for the seat with the tiniest set of individuals and head there. If there are none and I am not in a hurry, I wait for another bus. However, if I am in a hurry, I simply lock up, bone face, join my fellow well fed co-passengers on the seat and damn the consequences

senbonzakura_kageyoshi:

Lolz!!! like seriously?!!!!

True talk! It happened in Aba.

lmao omg I have tears running down my cheeks. I swear I've been plagued by very fat people sitting beside me in a bus I feel am gonna die and you are so on point with that Mechanic thing. You should also watch out for buses carrying a lot of market wares in them; they got women who smell like fish inside and don't look like they showered that morning

LMao! Bro, you say the darndest things...



....but I TOTALLY agree....on every point.
Chai!!!

End Time TinZ..........

@OP,its like u have never bn late 4an interview/appointment. B dere givin urself condition¤

If you apply this strategy in some places in Lagos, you'll end up trekking home.

Leopantro: LOL. Imagine a convention of fat women in a bus and only one small seat remaining just for you. And they all just finished eating beans and boiled egg

teeawaii: @OP,its like u have never bn late 4an interview/appointment. B dere givin urself condition¤

LOL

Forget this list, the dude just love writing. Nobody will tell him to fight for Molue when he's late for an interview

Imagine!!!
Things to consider b4 boarding Lagos bus ?
But permit me to say this..

The aforementioned things are all SIGNS OF END TIME.....

,

I always consider d Number 2 also, others are just normal lasgidi life 4 me

LIKE IF YOU THINK IT'S
END TIME TINZ

Senbon wins again!