I'm done for tonight; will continue tomorrow; after which I will submit my five (5) nominations.

Mine will come shortly, I have corrected the works in red.

BESTLUV

THE WISH OF THE GODS
Ikem dropped the broom he was holding and sat on the nearest sofa,he looked around his sitting room and sighed, nothing have changed in his life or home for the past 3yrs, of all the ill lucks he had encounterd in life,marrying his wife had being the worst of all, "No" he said to himself as if he had just being asked a question, 'i must put an end to all this' life has never been so fair to me and i don't expect it to treat me better in the nearest future.

Ikem dropped the broom he was holding and sat on the nearest sofa, he looked around his sitting room and sighed, nothing has changed in his life or home for the past 3years. Of all the ill lucks he had encountered in life, marrying his wife had being the worst of all.

"No." he said to himself as if he was asked a question. 'I must put an end to all this, life has never been so fair to me and I don't expect it to treat me better in the nearest future.

Tears flooded his eyes as he remembers how cruel life have been to him, he lost his father when he was just 4years so he grew up with his mother who couldn't afford to send him to school. At 23years he lost this precious woman. As if that wasn't enough he got in to the hot soup of marriage. Father! what have i done to deserve this, why is my own thing different,why did you bring me in to this world just to punishe me. He stood up and went into the room,he examined the blue tick rope on the bed and picked it up, "if this is the way then so be" he said and went to the backyard,he tied the rope on a higher branch in a huge mango tree, what do you think you are doing? A voice said to him. He turned to see who was talking to him but he saw no one, he place d rope on his neck, why do u want to do this now, kill your wife and be free from her wicked world, 'No', another mind said to him,kill your urself an be free from this slavery called life, he tightend the rope on his neck and shut his eyes, 'MAY MY SOUL REST IN PEACE'

* * * * * * * * * *

Tears flooded his eyes as he remembered how cruel life has been to him. He lost his father when he was just 4years, so he grew up with He was raised by his mother who couldn't afford to send him to school.

At 23years he lost this precious woman. She died when he was 23.
As if that wasn't enough he got into the hot soup of marriage.

“Father! what have i done to deserve this? Why is my own thing different, why did you bring me into this world just to punishe punish me. He stood up and went into the room, he examined the blue tick thick rope on the bed and picked it up.

"If this is the way then so be." He said and went to the backyard, he tied the rope on a higher branch in a huge mango tree.

'What do you think you are doing?' A voice said to himasked him. He turned to see who was talking to him but he saw no one, he place d
the rope on his neck.

'Why do u want to do this now, kill your wife and be free from her wicked world.'

'No!' another voice said to him, 'kill your urself an be free from this slavery called life.' He tightened the rope on his neck and shut his eyes, 'MAY MY SOUL REST IN PEACE.' [/b]

* * * * * * * * * *
Sweetheart am home.......baby am home,where are you? it's your sweetest heart, Ifeoma called out to her husband. Ifeoma is a girl endowed with beauty,her skin glitters like gold,she has a red sexy lips,and walks so majestically,she had turn many heads off with her astonishing beauty, many men would have love to have this beauty peagant as a wife but her character had cancelld all the beauty she posses. She is proud,arrogant and always want to be in charge of everything. Ikem was blinded by her beauty only to realise that all that glitters are not gold
sweety...she went to the room but didn't see her husband, where is this foolishe man, he left the house unswept and went out,let him come and meet me here, she said. Let me go and get some mangoest , she went to the backyard and met the greatest shock of her life, my God! She shoutd and fell on the ground, people gatherd 2 know what was happening, eveyone burst out in tears on reaching to the scene.
I killed him! She said to everyone's surprise,i killed my husband, she rose up and went into the house before people could reach her,she had already stabbd herself with knief, 'am sorry' she said and gave up the ghost.
In the midst of wailing and confusion the chief priest appeared from no where and said 'WEEP NOT FOR THEM' for they have fulfild the wish of the gods, their bodies shall be used as a sacrifice to the gods, from this moment,no calamity shall befall this land again. Iseeee, everyone echoed, let the youths bring their dead body to the shrine,the purification starts now. The youth took the dead bodies away and everyone walked sorrowful back to their home
[THE END]

[b][s]Sweetheart am home.......baby am home,where are you? it's your sweetest heart,[/s] (avoid. Repetition of words, they take a lot of space and waste time.)

“Sweetheart, I am home, where are you? Its your sweetest heart.” Ifeoma called out to her husband. Ifeoma, is (what tense are you using here?) [s]a girl endowed with beauty,her skin glitters like gold,she has a red sexy lips,[/s] (let's fix that.) Ifeoma was endowed with beauty, her skin glittering like gold (Does skin glitter like gold? We can say had a sunkissed golden complexion. Her red lips represented that of bella in a fomous vampire movie, they looked like they would drip blood anytime. She walked majestically, like she owned the place and had turned many heads with her astonishing beauty. Men would have killed to wife to have this beauty peagant as a wife her but her character had nullified the beauty she possessed. She was proud, arrogant and always wanted to be in charge of everything. Ikem was blinded by her beauty only to realise that all that glittered benearth wasn't gold underneath. are not gold

“Sweety...” she went to the room but didn't see couldn't find her husband.

“Where is this foolishe man? he left the house unswept and went out? let him come and meet me here,” she said, and added. “Let me go and get some mangoest.” She went to the backyard and met the greatest shock of her life. “My God!” She shoutd (scream seems more appropriate.) screamed shocked and fell on the ground. People gathered around to investigate what was happening.

eveyone burst out in tears on reaching to the scene.

“I killed him!” She said to everyone's surprise. “I killed my husband.” With that she rose and went into the house before people could reach her, she had already stabbed herself with a knief. “I am sorry,” she said and breathed her last.

In the midst of wailing and confusion the chief priest appeared from no where and said, “WEEP NOT FOR THEM, for they have fulfilled the wish of the gods, their bodies shall be used as a sacrifice to the gods, from this moment,no calamity shall befall this land again.”

“I seeee,” everyone echoed, “let the youths bring their dead body to the shrine,the purification starts now.” The youth took the dead bodies away and everyone walked sorrowfully back to their homes.
[THE END][/b]

Ok, dear. You need to read, and read because that's the only way you are going to get this right. Too much red color in your work is not a good thing in this competition but bear in mind that you did great because you managed to beat many.

I will recommend a book for you if your interested. Just let me know

*lemme just spread my mat here*

alutacontinua:
*lemme just spread my mat here*

#sonotfair

i waited for your epistle all month, but it never came

THE MAN WITHIN

By Miss Fibre


Great fantasy piece, spacing is on point, paragraphing is also great and your use of dialogue is superb, you just need to put more effort, and pay attention to plurals and singulars, also work on your punctuation.

Humbledbygrace, please edit your results, suggestion. It is too large and bulky for me to corp and quote on my device. Don't copythe entire post and correct. Do it as Mazi did his. If you keep it like that, I won't be able to copy it.

Thank you

cheers

Mynd_44: Humbledbygrace, please edit your results, suggestion. It is too large and bulky for me to corp and quote on my device. Don't copythe entire post and correct. Do it as Mazi did his. If you keep it like that, I won't be able to copy it.

Thank you

cheers

Do not copy mine yet.

MY TRAVEL ADVENTURE

Plain mirror

It was another season of relaxation and enjoyment as holiday was fast approaching. I had communicated with my dad via

through[/b]our school payphone centre to send me some money for my transport fare back home and small pocket money for other miscellaneous expenses. That has been my modus operandi;

[color=#990000][s] I send message across to my parents few days to end [/s]

[b]I had send message across to my parents few days towards the end of the term. My reason was to avoid falling victim of stolen money as it was a norm in our dormitory. Theft is common in school hostels/dormitories mostly amongst guys where there is a combination of different characters; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

The brackets were not nessesary, you do not need to add words in brackets to explain a sentence or a paragraph, the reason that its theere it means you have already given us the idea of what you wanted to say.

As a big boy then in SS2 [unity school no be beans naa], ^^ ^

I banked my money myself. During

‘break’

[color=#990000]breakperiods, I would go to the school canteen with my guys

[girls inclusive atymes]


at times (refer to the first correction please) and consume some edibles courtesy of my regular sponsoring

[s] [ I am d generous type who loves to make people around me happy].[/s]

I am the (refer to the first correction please) This earned me many friends both male and female; some non beneficiaries of my benevolence branded me a SPOILT CHILD maybe they thought I came from a very wealthy family and to cap it all, I was a title contender in my class

[s][dat kind Manchester united for EPL] LoL .
Despite coming from a middle class family [ we dey chop three square meal daily], [/s]

I never gave d gossipers any reason to think otherwise, in fact I enjoyed d gossips because it enveloped me with an air of unpredictability.

An eve to the end of term, I was busy washing some clothes and gisting with my friends at the balcony of purple house my hostel beside the tap area when Mr Alala ‘red house master’ who happened to be my school guardian approached and informed me that he received a message from my dad. He took me to a distinct area from where I was washing and scolded me on how I had been lavishing my money and afterwards disturb my parents about money

[s][ I wondered if dat was d mssg my dad sent but on a 2nd thought, discarded the idea]. [/s]



“Anyways, he continued your dad called me yesterday.”

“Ok sir.” I nodded slightly

[ money don enta be dat ni]


Mr Alala gazed at me for seconds before he continued,

“Your dad sent you some money this morning through waybill, but he did not disclose the amount to me. He said it is for your transport fare to Aba.”

“Thank you sir,” I replied beaming with smile.

“Eeehm Bright why has your cash column in my register been inactive since the commencement of this term?

So you are now too big to have a guardian eeeeh?” Mr Alala pressed further.

“No sir, it is just that you are not always around each time I come to the staff room to meet you.” I feigned innocence.

“That is your choice to make, but please don’t visit me with missing money issues; he concluded and left.”

“Do you need a spectacle to observe that am now a bigboi?” I murmured as I resumed my washing.

[b]^ ^ ^ This is a conversation, didn't they teach direct and indirect speech in school



The main reason why I detested banking my money with a guardian was because of the herculean task one faces before you get a payout\withdrawal such as - making a two days notice prior to collecting any amount that exceeds N500, queuing up to cash out before you refresh during break. One should be entitled to enjoy his\her wealth at his\her convenience and not the other way round.

The ‘D’? day finally came on a very bright and sunny morning. I visited numerous friends of mine in various hostels that morning to bid farewell and also arrange with others that I would be travelling with to Aba. Before then, I had gone to our security office where all waybill items such as money or provision arrived to check if my waybill package had arrived but to no avail. I quickly took my bath and hurried to the security office to inquire about my package for the third time, but was told that no A L T? driver had delivered to them any item for two days. I headed straight to the call centre and called my dad.


He was surprised after I told him that am yet to receive the money he sent, he narrated to me how he went to Abia Line Transport park and negotiated with the driver before he handed the driver by name JONA N2000 enclosed in an envelope with my name boldly written on it. According to my dad, he handed him N500 as against the normal N300 commission. I thanked my dad and promised to check back on the security office, I hung up.

With my ‘last card’ being N100, I paid for the 2min call duration and was left with N40.

As I sluggishly dragged my feet on my way back to the hostel, the bell for final assembly rang. I increased my pace because I had to change my casual wear to white and maroon red school uniform which majority of students I met on my entrance to the hostel gate wore already. While some junior students out of joy hurried to the assembly ground with their traveling bags. I met Iyke my friend whom I was supposed to travel with on the way and informed him of the latest development. He said that the money he kept with his guardian wouldn’t be sufficient for two people but promised to help me out in any little way.

After the final general assembly for the term, I visited the security office once more but was told that no item had been received on my behalf. Buses had flooded the front gate waiting for the gate to be opened. Scores of JSS students had saturated the gate area with their bags waiting for the gate to be opened as well. I instantly felt goose bumps all over my skin circumference. I was discombobulated and irate hence I left that office with a moody face.
The day had started to turn sour for me. I sensed frustration and disappointment as my instincts never failed me.

Problems or unfavourable conditions are times to think and not panic, I managed to encourage myself.
Should I solicit help from friends? but I got my ego to protect. “No!” I ruled out the idea. The truth is that some might help out but I was sure such gesture might be used against me.

Should I call my dad and…… no way. The man had already assisted me enough, informing him of my present predicament would mean disturbance more so there was nothing he could do to savage me safe to send another money across which was my last option. That was my cross to carry and I believed I could handle it without much ado; or so I thought.

An idea finally dropped into my medulla oblongata. Maybe I should meet Mr Alala, he might help me out. I headed straight to my guardians office little did I know that it was the genesis of my adventure.

I briskly walked to the staff room and met my guardian disbursing students in his payroll. I stood at a corner and patiently waited for him. My eye glanced the gate and environs in quick succession through the window. Students heading to the gate from different dimensions whilst struggling with their bags, security men shouting at wayward students and instructing others to dress properly. I also learnt that buses where now a bit scarce and students were compelled to ply a bike to the main park located at ‘amaepku’.

How am I supposed to compete for space in a bus with people that had cash on them. It was then crystal clear to me that the odds were against me.

Due to the increasing number of people waiting for mr Alala, I sensed that delay could be dangerous so I left in search of my friend who had promised to help out.

After what seemed to be an unending search, I was told by few people I asked that Iyke had also gone to the ‘amaekpu’ main park. By then it was getting some minutes past one o’clock.
I ran to the hostel, opened my cupboard and exited with my travelling box. I wanted to call a bike to take me to the main park but my pocket suggested otherwise; I had only N40.
If I could meet Iyke there at the park, maybe he will help me foot the bike man’s bill.

I thought.

Without having a rethink or plan B, I halted a bike man and headed straight to the park.

As I alighted from the bike, I carried my box to a big tree beside and told the bike man to help me look after the box. I also signaled him with my hand that I want to collect something from a friend.

The park was empty of buses and there was only one bus that was already filled and ready to move. I searched for Iyke through the window of the bus but he wasn’t there.

But was told that there bus just left some minutes ago. I was dumbfounded whilst the bike man was still standby waiting to be paid. Only if he knew my predicament at the moment.
I monitored him from where I stood and moved immediately his gaze left me. I had also wanted to take my box along but discarded the idea because if I had done the former, I would surely be caught because the box was clearly in his front view.

“If this man doesn’t see you, he might resort to carrying your box.” I reasoned.

“What if I go to plead with him and he turns a deaf ear.

Well if he intends to carry my box, I will show myself and explain to him moreover I still have #40 with me,maybe he will consider me and forfeit the remaining #30.”

It was a gamble worth undertaking.

I was still lost in thought of what my next action would be when a lady with a handbag approached the bike man, spoke some incoherent words, climbed atop the back seat and the bike man took a different route and sped off.
I maintained my hiding position for sometime before I came out. I reached for my box immediately and located a yellow container shop, walked behind and dropped my box. It was a perfect spot to observe anybody entering the park. The bike man could return in search of me and I gatz be on alert.

Students both girls and boys clustered the park readily awaiting any bus that was going to their destination. It was getting a bit late in the day as the time in my wrist watch read 2:15pm. Journey from Ohafia to Aba consumed like two hours thirty minutes minimum. As I was still making some mental calculations, a bus drove inside the park. I watched as students from different angles ran towards the incoming bus causing a stampede.

Some flew inside through the car boot other struggled to gain entrance through the door. It was the survival of the fittest and I prepared for the worst.
I undid my wrist watch and opened the front compartment of my box. Just as I was about to drop the wrist watch, my hand felt something inside. I thought it was money initially but as I withdrew my hand grabbing the stuff firmly, I saw it was nothing but a rectangular pieces of paper. A closer look revealed that it was an old transport tickets, I normally keep my travel tickets for some reasons I cannot phantom. I mopped at them for sometime and was about to jettison them when an idea dropped into my head.

“I could use this rowdy environment to my advantage using the tickets.” I thought.

“Yes, no harm in trying.” Another voice echoed within me. It was a game of the mind and I was ready because that was obviously my last option.

Some minutes later, another bus arrived. I left my box behind and ran towards the bus. After much hustle for space, I managed to secure a seat at the second to the last row beside the glass window. I excused myself and alighted from the bus. The bus number plate read AQ 4277 EKS. I made a mental photocopy of it and went to pick my box from where I left it.
On getting there, I brought out the past transport tickets and searched for any that had the same number on it. Albeit, favor smiled on me as I found a match in the past tickets; it could habr been coincidence or luck but I believed all things worked out for good. I had successfully crossed the first hurdle, only time would determine my faith.

Not long before everybody settled down and time for money collection was at hand as the conductor yelled. He started collecting money from people but in an irregular pattern. He would approach someone and if the person delays in paying, whether trying to bring out wallet or readjust, he will move to the next person. I closely observed the proceedings and when he came to me, I bent down, unzipped my box and fondled with it. He wasted no time in moving to another passenger just as I had anticipated.

I closely observed the tickets he issued after payment and figured out that it was only the numbers and alphabets in the number plate and the fare which was N500 that was written on the tickets. Exactly same as mine; no dates, no destination, no A L T? station code written on their respective columns. Well that was their greatest undoing as I was ready to exploit the loophole to my advantage.

Several minutes later, the driver and his mate were arguing over something which nearly caused a little fight between them. I knew it must be correlated to shortage in actual fund which was my making.

“Abeg make everybody hold em ticket for hand.” The driver’s mate screamed.

He started the ticket gross check from the front passenger seat and everybody flashed their tickets to his face, myself inclusive. However, his search wasn’t justified as he had hoped to catch a scapegoat without ticket so he beckoned on everybody to come down from the bus for a second thorough search.

This time I shuddered but maintained my cool so as not to draw unnecessary suspicion.

I better coordinate myself well if not my spot in the bus will be sold to the scores of students still waiting for bus. Not after it has also caused me a big embarrassment because some girls and junior students were also inside the bus.

It was already getting to some minutes past three O’clock and had a journey of about two hours thirty minutes ahead of us. So some students complained bitterly capitalising on time factor.

The driver checked the tickets again as we individually entered the bus but his quest was to no avail. He however shifted the blame to his mate and ignited the car engine.

I recited ‘Our lord’s prayer’ in my mind.
Alast, Aba here I come.


‘Until you face a difficult situation, one. wouldn’t realize how much innovative skills he has in stock’



THE END

Great story, reminds me of a bus journey to mugai or something. Your work however shows that you do not read. Please read as much as you can because there is potential here. I stopped using the red line but you will see where your mistakes are when you compare your work with the edited one.

#GhostMode

48:Power Hungry
Abu Mikey

"They are confused jare, all of them are corrupt and no one citizen is ready to bell the cat,I just wish the ICJ could help us sweep them into prison cubicles" Mr. Ojo said with an angry face that looked like a 13th century Tasmanian Devil,John,the bar attendant who was known to be always mute replied Mr Ojo, "Oga abeg let us watch ball well na,me nor dey hear commentary well because of your yeye talk again o",surprised at his response,Mr Ojo said "Its your father that you are referring to,not me".


"They are confused jare, all of them are corrupt and none of the citizens is ready to bell the cat, I just wish the ICJ could help us sweep them into prison cubicles."

Mr. Ojo said with an angry face that looked like a 13th century Tasmanian Devil. John, the bar attendant who was known to be always mute replied Mr Ojo.

"Oga abeg let us watch ball well na, me nor dey hear commentary well because of your yeye talk again o." Surprised at his response, Mr Ojo replied, "Its your father that you are referring to,not me".




"Oga Ojo,you can't be exchanging words with that small boy John,just ignore him" someone said from behind.
Just when calm retured to the bar,SNTV abruptly ended the tele-casting of the live football match,

"wetin be dis na?" Someone asked!

TV went blank,bar just went into total silence, 'gbam' the windows at the bar got locked on its own,like a horror flick the light bulbs inside the bar auto switched-off.

"Jesus!!!!!"
Mr.Ojo shouted as he woke up from the terrible dream he just had,"honey,what's wrong?" Ojo's wife asked.Mrs Ojo whose name was Belinda,was such a beauty to behold,she had a perfect 'figure 8' shape and her beauty could easily be compared to that of Queen Nefertiti of ancient egyptian era.

"I had a terrible dream" Ojo responded,just when Mrs Ojo was about to ask further questions,Ojo pointed towards the glass louvres of their room,"sweetheart,see those military trucks outside o,what could they be searching for at this wee hour of the night?" He asked.
"I guess you know that's a rhetorical question, because I don't even have an idea what they might be after" Mrs Ojo responded.

"Maybe they've gotten a tip-off from some people or whatever,let me go back to bed and continue my sleep o" Mr Ojo sluggishly told his wife after she gave her rather funny response.

[b]
"Oga Ojo, you can't be exchanging words with that small boy John, just ignore him." Someone said from behind.

Just when calm retured to the bar, SNTV abruptly ended the casting of the live football match.

"wetin be dis na?" Someone asked.

TV went blank, bar just went into total silence, 'gbam' the windows at the bar got locked on its own, like a horror flick the light bulbs inside the bar auto switched-off.

"Jesus!!!!!" Mr.Ojo shouted as he woke up from the terrible dream he just had.

"honey,what's wrong?" Ojo's wife asked. Mrs Ojo whose name was Belinda, was such a beauty to behold, she had a perfect 'figure 8'(figure 8?) shape and her beauty could easily be compared to that of Queen Nefertiti of ancient egyptian era.

"I had a terrible dream." Ojo responded. Just when Mrs Ojo was about to ask further questions, Ojo pointed towards the glass louvres of their room.

"sweetheart, see those military trucks outside o, what could they be searching for at this wee hour of the night?" He asked.

"I guess you know that's a rhetorical question, because I don't even have an idea what they might be after." Mrs Ojo responded.

"Maybe they've gotten a tip-off from some people or whatever, let me go back to bed and continue my sleep o." Mr Ojo sluggishly told his wife after she gave her rather funny response.
[/b]


At the Presidential Villa,a meeting was in progress when they heard a loud bang, "what just happened" the President asked,everyone in the room just went into a state of confusion and 'BOOM' another loud bang,that could be as high as 180 decibels.

"What could be wrong,I still don't get it,lemme call my special adviser on Military matters" Mr. President said to himself.

"Bagudu,there's some terror-like activities going on here,could you please check what could be wrong" the president asked his Special adviser on military matters via a phone call.

"I would do as you desire sir" General Azinga responded.

He terminated the call and smiled at the other military men around him and said "Perfecto,our plan is going on very well as planed"

[b]
At the Presidential Villa, a meeting was in progress when they heard a loud bang.

"what just happened?" the President asked, everyone in the room just went into a state of confusion and 'BOOM!' another loud bang, that could be as high as 180 decibels.

"What could be wrong? I still don't get it, lemmelet me call my special adviser on Military matters." Mr. President said to himself. ( A President can not say 'lemme, his status clearly states him as formal.)

[s]"Bagudu, there's some terror-like activities going on here,could you please check what could be wrong" the president asked his Special adviser on military matters via a phone call.[/s] The President is always guarded, or he has guards around the house, please correct me if I am wrong.

"I would do as you desire sir." General Azinga responded.

He terminated the call and smiled at the other military men around him and said, "Perfecto, our plan is going on very well as planed planned."

[/b]

***********
October 1st,instead of the much awaited presidential speech,military drums rang, and an Old looking Man with a Brown Beret gave a 2 minutes speech. thus "We all know how those bloody civillians take us for a ride,misuse the state's fund and siphon it to their private accounts in Swiss and Austrian Banks,how they steal our barrels of oil,carry out illegal oil bukering,employ their family members as part of the National executive committee and Neglect the Military as we are the ones who takes care of the Nation in times of trouble,Now I General Bagudu officially declare myself Head of state of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

"Ewooo,it has happend again oo,barely 2 weeks since the president took oath of office and there's alrady a military Coup" Mrs Ojo shouted as she ran back to her bedroom to tell her husband what she just heard of the New Military President on National T.V.
"My dear,leave these people,let them play with the office of the president,they think its their birthright,so every Tobechi,Dapo and Haruna wants to be the President of Nigeria.But not to worry sweetheart,we are going to have a stable democracy soon in this country and all these Military wahala would end" Mr Ojo said in a cool romantic manner.

After he had eaten his breakfast,Mr.Ojo called out to his wife,he has already gotten dressed,ready to go hangout with his friends,as today was the independence day celebration, "I am going out o,I want to see some of my friends down the road" he said.

Julius was Mr and Mrs.Ojo's son's name,their first child and the only boy among three children.

After the Martial music shook the whole place, so many people rushed out to the streets and danced under the clear and bright skies while the school kids all went to the Central primary school for the traditional match Past ceremoney.

But the presence of armed military. Men,didn't allow Mr Ojo and friends to move out of their neighbourhood.
Many of the Ojo's neighbors crowded the few bars near their houses to drink whatever kind of liquor,spirit or soda they preferred or could afford,
chatting, ranting or shouting about the state of emergency.

“Yeah! Make them go! Dem be thieves!” The garrulous fat neighbor in traditional Yoruba male dress said as he swigged from a bottle of Star larger beer. He always made more noise than sense. And was regarded as the Baba Sala comic of the neighborhood.
They were about six sitting on plastic chairs round the plastic table in front of Ishi Pemperempe's Restaurant,while some others were also seated nearby.
The poor masses always praised every coup that toppled any government they resented. Most of them were very gullible and naïve. But some of them were good company whenever Mr Ojo felt bored and want to be entertained.
Sitting in their midst and having a good laugh was very good comic relief to overcome the grief of living in such a chaotic state.

He could sniff the smell of the steaming pot of pepper
soup.

"Madam Ishi o, don't kill us with your YapiYapio germs oh!” The garrulous Yoruba man exclaimed and the drinking partners laughed like ridiculous clowns.

“Excuse me,” Ishi said as she brought out her 'brown piece of cloth supposed white handkerchief' to wipe her nose.

“Silver Ishi, yellow paw-paw woman,” said another neighbor in jest.
“The booboo can pose,” said another one.
The sound of Madam Ishi's ringing cell phone was her saving grace from her customers who were making jest of her. She picked up her cell phone from the top of the table where she was sitting and walked away from the noisemakers to answer the call. Two of the customers were heard,hissing at her in derision. She hissed in dismissal of their jibes before answering the call.

“Sylvester, you nor go come chop the pepper soup again?” Asked Madam Ishi as she started her call conversation. The caller gestured that he would eat the pepper soup. “I will come right away before 6pm to beat the curfew,” It was the Community Youth leader,Sylvester that called her.

[b]October 1st.

Instead of the much awaited presidential speech, military drums rang, an Old looking Man with a Brown Beret gave a two minutes speech. Thus
"We all know how those bloody civilians take us for a ride, misuse the state's fund and siphon it to their private accounts in Swiss and Austrian Banks, how they steal our barrels of oil, carry out illegal oil bukering, employ their family members as part of the National executive committee and Neglect the Military as we are the ones who takes care of the Nation in times of trouble. Now I General Bagudu officially declare myself Head of state of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.”

"Ewooo, it has happend again oo, barely two weeks since the President took oath of office and there's alrady already a military Coup."

Mrs Ojo shouted as she ran back to her bedroom to tell her husband what she just heard of the New Military President on National T.V.

"My dear, leave these people, let them play with the office of the President, they think its their birthright, so every Tobechi, Dapo and Haruna wants to be the President of Nigeria." Said Mr Ojo sacarstically. "But not to worry sweetheart, we are going to have a stable democracy soon in this country and all these Military wahala would end." He added in a cool romantic manner.

After he had eaten his breakfast, Mr.Ojo called out to his wife, he had already gotten dressed, ready to go hangout with his friends, as today was the independence day celebration,

"I am going out o, I want to see some of my friends down the road." he said.

[s]Julius was Mr and Mrs.Ojo's son's name,their first child and the only boy among three children.[/s]The Ojo's first born Julius was an only boy in the family of six.

After the Martial music shook the whole place, so many people rushed out to the streets and danced under the clear and bright skies while the school kids all went to the Central primary school for the traditional match Past ceremony.

But the presence of armed military men didn't allow Mr Ojo and friends to move out of their neighbourhood.
Many of the Ojo's neighbors crowded the few bars near their houses to drink whatever kind of liquor, spirit or soda they preferred or could afford.
Chatting, ranting or shouting about the state of emergency.

“Yeah! Make them go! Dem be thieves!” The garrulous fat neighbor in traditional Yoruba male dress said as he swigged from a bottle of Star larger beer. He always made more noise than sense. And was regarded as the Baba Sala comic of the neighbourhood.
They were about six sitting on plastic chairs round the plastic table in front of Ishi Pemperempe's Restaurant, [s] while some others were also seated nearby.[/s]

The poor masses always praised every coup that toppled any government they resented. Most of them were very gullible and naïve. But some of them were good company whenever Mr Ojo felt bored and want to be entertained.

Sitting in their midst and having a good laugh was very good comic relief to overcome the grief of living in such a chaotic state.

He could sniff the smell of the steaming pot of pepper
soup.

"Madam Ishi o, don't kill us with your YapiYapio germs oh!” The garrulous Yoruba man exclaimed and the drinking partners laughed like ridiculous clowns.

“Excuse me,” Ishi said as she brought out her 'brown piece of cloth supposed

(You could have just elaborated that the piece of cloth had turned brown due to Ishi's snuff or it looked like it had never been washed.) white handkerchief' to wipe her nose.

“Silver Ishi, yellow paw-paw woman.” said another neighbor in jest.

“The booboo can pose.” said another one.

The sound of Madam Ishi's ringing cell phone was her saving grace from her customers who were making jest of her. She picked up her cellphone from the top of the table where she was sitting and walked away from the noisemakers to answer the call. Two of the customers were heard hissing at her in derision. She had hissed in dismissal of their jibes before answering the call.

“Sylvester, you nor go come chop the pepper soup again?” Asked Madam Ishi as she started her call conversation. The caller gestured that he would eat the pepper soup.

“I will come right away before 6pm to beat the curfew,” It was the Community Youth leader, Sylvester that called her.

[/b]



*****


It was Evening,drinking became more excessive for the men at the bar,few of them had gone out to vomit,because of the excess intake of alcohol,some fell "face first" on the table where they were drinking into a shallow sleep.others who still were on their right state of immediate environment,ended up spewing thrash,most of them were all drunk,to stupor.

11:30pm and Ishi had already started packing her goods back into her shop,although some of the customers were still at her bar,when Military music was aired,Ishi and Sylvester immediately turned their eyes to the T.V set,hoping to hear what next the military president was goint to say.

To their greatest suprise, a new face emerged and it was a second Coup in less than 24 hours ,

"heeeeeeeeeeeeeee,they want to just finish this country for us abi?,can't they just leave us in peace and allow us enjoy just a single head of state?" Ishi asked,sounding like a pained Puppy crying to see its mum.
"Na dem sabi,if dem like make dem kill themselves finish,e nor concern me,as long as say me still dey alive,I must wack,Oya pack things finish make we dey go" Sylvester said in a rather serious voice.

"Sylve Sylve,Take am easy with me na,na you get me this night so,no wahala" Ishi said smiling at Sylvester.

[color=#990000][b]
It was Evening, drinking became more excessive for the men at the bar, few of them had gone out to vomit, because of the excess intake of alcohol, some fell "face first" on the table where they were (drinking) I think you meant 'falling'? into a shallow sleep. others who still were on their right state of immediate environment, ended up spewing trash, most of them were all drunk, to stupor.

At 11:30pm Ishi started packing her goods back into her shop, although some of the customers were still at her bar. When Military music was aired, Ishi and Sylvester immediately turned their eyes to the T.V set, hoping to hear what next the military President was goint to say.

To their greatest suprise, a new face emerged and it was a second Coup in less than 24 hours.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeee, they want to just finish this country for us abi? can't they just leave us in peace and allow us enjoy just a single head of state?" Ishi asked, sounding like a pained Puppy crying to see its mum.

"Na dem sabi, if dem like make dem kill themselves finish, e nor concern me, as long as say me still dey alive, I must wack. Oya pack things finish make we dey go." Sylvester said in a rather serious voice.

"Sylve Sylve, Take am easy with me na, na you get me this night so, no wahala." Ishi said smiling at Sylvester.

^ ^[/b][/color]

**
October 2nd,Mr Ojo woke up to hear the news of the latest coup, "ehn hen, so na like this we go dey for this country? If there is life,there is hope, our country would get better" Mr Ojo spoke to himself softly with his head facing the ceiling fan.

His wife walked to him and asked "have you heard"

"Yes oo,these military men are at it again,everybody wants to be the head of state" Ojo responded.

Ojo's wife just moved into another direction of conversation "Papa Julius,na today be market oo,we don't have enough foodstuffs at home,so I would need some money" she said in a very calm voice.

"I would give you when you are ready for market" Ojo said patting her at her back.
He did give her the money and she went to the market.

Mr Ojo,had no plans of going out that day,so he just sat down inside the parlor of his house,switched on the TV and was watching and listening to some Ebenezer Obey's music on one of the channels.
After he had spent some time watching the TV,just when he was about to leave the Parlor and head for his room,Military Drum sounds rang,so he justed waited just to know what next he was going to hear, the Young looking new military head of state gave a speech,
"Good Morning fellow Nigerians,we all know what has been happening in our nation for some short period of time now,not every one is power hungry and I come for peace,so let it be known that I have already made plans for a civilian government to come into office, and an election date has been fixed and its a promise I give to you all,that we would handover to a civilian goverment.
God bless,Nigeria ! Long Live Nigeria!!"

Mr Ojo could not believe what he just heard,after about two minutes of bewilderment,he said to himself, "not everyone is power hungry after all... I love my country"

[b]October 2nd.

Mr Ojo woke up to hear the news of the latest coup, "Ehn hen, so na like this we go dey for this country? If there is life, there is hope, our country would get better." He spoke to himself softly with his head facing the ceiling fan.

His wife walked to him and asked,
"Have you heard?"

"Yes oo, these military men are at it again, everybody wants to be the head of state." Ojo responded.

Ojo's wife just moved into another direction of conversation "Papa Julius, na today be market oo, we don't have enough foodstuffs at home, so I would need some money." she said in a very calm voice.

"I will give you when you are ready for market." Ojo said patting her at her back. He did give her the money and she went to the market.

Mr Ojo had no plans of going out that day, so he just sat down inside the parlor of his house, switched on the TV and was watching and listening to some Ebenezer Obey's music on one of the channels.

After he had spent some time watching the TV, just when he was about to leave the Parlor and head for his room, military Drum started booming, so he waited to hear what the military people wanted to say. The Young looking new military head of state gave a speech,

"Good Morning fellow Nigerians, we all know what has been happening in our nation for some short period of time now, not every one is power hungry and I come for peace. Let it be known that I have already made plans for a civilian government to come into office, and an election date has been fixed and its a promise I give to you all, that we would handover to a civilian goverment.

God bless,Nigeria! Long Live Nigeria!!"

Mr Ojo could not believe what he had just heard, after about two minutes of bewilderment, he said to himself, "Not everyone is power hungry after all... I love my country."

[/b]

Abu Mikey, great piece, loved reading your work, however, pay attention on spacing your work and punctuation

Let me post my top 5, will get back to this later.

5.t-flow
4.Oma4u
4.Missfibre
3.Sammy hoe
2.Nuges11
1.Royver

From there;


7.Rubyspice
8.Numero
9.Damex
9.Kslib
10.Abu Mikey
10.Plainmirror
11.Sambroose
12.Nastydroid
13.Bestluv

I have a great time reading through all the stories. You all did your best and i must commend the organiser(s) of this great thread for wonderful job. Keep it up. T-flow, i must confess your story took my breath away, you are the bomb!. Love u all!!!

Just show this post, very sure i will win this if i can still get in. Even though i am concerned about someone stealing and selling my creative works, i will nevertheless like to test my skills for the fun of it. Please let me know when i can get in.

papa king: Just show this post, very sure i will win this if i can still get in. Even though i am concerned about someone stealing and selling my creative works, i will nevertheless like to test my skills for the fun of it. Please let me know when i can get in.

The next edition. 10,000 words... 100 dollars at stake... You go chop beans if na new account you dey use.

Let me tell you a secret... You will see how hard the writers will write when they qualify. Don't over judge them with their first works...

HBG abeg de try summarize because i no fit de read all dis tory wey me don read b4 for submission thread..jst try point out their flaws make dem go review am for house themselves
#my tot tho#

HBG, abeg, summarize it and tell each person what they did wrong, cos that was d reason 4 ds competition cos i can see that all you did was to rewrite just a few out of all.

HBG, abeg, summarize it and tell each person what they did wrong, cos that was d reason 4 ds competition cos i can see that all you did was to rewrite just a few out of all. Or shey other writers no deserve am ni?

Damex333: HBG, abeg, summarize it and tell each person what they did wrong, cos that was d reason 4 ds competition cos i can see that all you did was to rewrite just a few out of all. Or shey other writers no deserve am ni?

I did that to those I thought deserved it, did you see your work there? Our intention is to nurse the talent isn't it? And did you miss the part where I said I will post the other works later?

Mazi_Omenuko:

Princesa has her analysis submitted already;

https://www.nairaland.com/1441838/short-story-competition/24

For the sake of order, I think each judge should finish his/her assessments before I post another. That is a makes the arrangement a lot better. So you should finish yours first and then I will take the next judge.

If I start with Mazi then switch to Princesa and then Ishilove then back to Mazi, it make the whole show look confusing.

My silly thoughts though.

Mynd_44:
For the sake of order, I think each judge should finish his/her assessments before I post another. That is a makes the arrangement a lot better. So you should finish yours first and then I will take the next judge.

If I start with Mazi then switch to Princesa and then Ishilove then back to Mazi, it make the whole show look confusing.

My silly thoughts though.

Mynd44

Right^^

Mynd_44:
For the sake of order, I think each judge should finish his/her assessments before I post another. That is a makes the arrangement a lot better. So you should finish yours first and then I will take the next judge.

If I start with Mazi then switch to Princesa and then Ishilove then back to Mazi, it make the whole show look confusing.

My silly thoughts though.

if dis one be ur silly thoughts hw ur beta tots so take be...its a nyc tot i'm saying in essence

Bestluv584

I am forced to believe that you didn't put your best in this work. Your presentation was too casual, you made lots of typographical errors, you used some informal writing techniques like using '2' for 'to'.

You didn't care much about spacing and paragraphs, neither did you bother developing your plots.

Your story reminds me of those tales by moonlight stories on national tv.

Sammy Hoe

It took me a great deal of energy to read your work. This is not unconnected to the numerous dosages of grammar found only in oxford dictionary of advanced english. Trust me, you don't need people reading your work with a dictionary by their side; its a joy-kill.

Your adventure was well planned and well delivered. It had a foreign setting and plot that left me wondering who your intended audience was; obviously not we the judges nor the fans reading your work here at Nairaland either.

You will make a great author writing for foreign tabloids.

By-the-way; I had to google your work to confirm its originality. I saw a work with the same title at amazon. Couldn't open it, but my instincts told me it could be a coincidence, so I let it be.

Nuges11

Nice story. The flair of delivery was awesome, the illustration was delivered in a plain and simple manner. It was easy to read, fun and entertaining. Apart from the dream scene, you were still able to create more scenes like the Omenuko Grammar school, the neighborhood etc.

It was rich in characters, plots and scenes, at a point, I was scared you would mix them all up and make the story complicated; but you didn't.

I enjoyed your story, and I'm pretty sure the audience did also, as seen in the number of 'Likes' you garnered.

Inasmuch as you were able to string together all the characters you created, it would have been better if you had kept it simple. I didn't see the need for the first paragraph - The Manutd vs Barca dream. However funny it was, it definitely didn't play an active part in your story.

You've got it in you.

Nastydroid

Check the recommendations I made for
Abu Mikey and
Always put paragraphs in your work, it makes for an easy read.

The first paragraph in a story matters a lot. You have to put some essence of the story into your first paragraph so the reader will have the suspense needed to read your work.

Example; from your work, it would have been fun if you included a statement like:

Encountering armed robbers while on the road is not a funny experience. I experienced such on my way to Akure and I almost fainted right inside the bus.

Gerrit?

Nastydroid

Check the recommendations I made for
Abu Mikey and some others
Always put paragraphs in your work, it makes for an easy read.

The first paragraph in a story matters a lot. You have to put some essence of the story into your first paragraph so the reader will have the suspense needed to read your work.

Example; from your work, it would have been fun if you included a statement like:

Encountering armed robbers while on the road is not a funny experience. I experienced such on my way to Akure and I almost fainted right inside the bus.

Gerrit?

Ok, Mynd you can copy the Analysis I am going to make starting with this post.

THE MAN WITHIN

By Miss Fibre


Great fantasy piece, but when I read fantasy, I expect suspense, a theme that will catch my fancy. Work well plotted but the climax was not that fancy, it didn't move me at all, though the solution was ok. I guess it has to do with your theme in the first place.

A short story has to accomplish its purpose in relatively few words and sister you need to pull up your socks.

Spacing is on point, paragraphing is also great and your use of dialogue is superb, you just need to put more effort, and pay attention to plurals and singulars, also work on your punctuation.

MY TRAVEL ADVENTURE

Plainmirror



Great story, reminds me of a bus journey to mugai or something. Your work however shows that you do not read. Please read as much as you can because there is potential here. I stopped using the red line but you will see where your mistakes are when you compare your work with the edited one.

Your diction didn't catch my fancy, you clustered words together in one paragraph, you failed to put quotation marks in your dialogues, you failed to skip a line or atleast a new paragraph to indicate a change of speaker. Your work was confusing!!

One more thing, your epiphany got me, atleast you found a solution.

The haunted road

By Royver


Boy you are the bomb, I had to check you profile, but you don't have a lot here on nl right? I am your fan, I was hooked from the starting line to the last full stop. well done.

The antagonist got what was coming, foolish idiot, your description of the protagonist and the former was vivid and capturing. Pay attention to how you arrange your dialogue though, because it plays a major part in a story.