I got this mail last month and an update two weeks ago. I will not lie. I was not exactly sure how to react to it or whether I can entirely fault the sender. Sometimes when a loved one is involved in an issue, common sense doesn’t become so common, This is Kelvin’s mail.

“Hi Hera. I am in a mess right now o! Please analyze this for me, not as a girl, but as if you were directly in my shoes. I am in my 30s and I am based in Calabar, graduated from Bleep. In April, my younger brother told me he was getting married. Of course I am very happy for him. Although, I never met the girl in person, I saw her picture all the time on his DP of his Blackberry. Now she looked eerily familiar, but I just assumed that it was as a result of seeing her all the time on his BBM. Her name is Evelyn. The wedding was in September. I invited all my old school friends for the wedding. You know, awon big Fagi things. Everything was going smoothly. I noticed my friends snickering and exchanging knowing looks during the reception ceremony. I ignored it for a long time because I was busy. Towards the end, I called aside my best friend to ask him what they were saying, thinking the others had been saying nasty things about the food or the hall or something relating to the ceremony. He was extremely uncomfortable and very reluctant to talk to me. Eventually, he told me that the guys were laughing because my brother married ‘Ever ready’.
Hera, it was then I knew why the girl was so familiar to me. I didn’t know her name, but everyone in our clique knew her then as ‘ever ready’, a very promiscuous club girl from the university days. She drank and smoked weed back then. She was basically the school LovePeddler and had slept with at least three of my friends. Luckily, I never did anything with her. There was a gist in school that she had done so much abortions that she didn’t bother to use any protection with the guys she slept with, because she could not get pregnant. I don’t know how much of that was true, but there was no party organized by students that ‘Ever ready’ and her crew didn’t show up……………and now she was my brother’s wife!! My innocent goody two shoes brother? I was so livid. So incredibly angry. My friend tried to calm me down, not to cause a scene that they are already married and I should not do anything. But What would you do in my shoes?

That evening, my brother and his new wife came to the house to pray with my parents before heading to the hotel they had booked. I called him aside and told him that he has not found a wife. That all this ceremony that he has done was a waste and I would not let him ruin his life with a woman who would probably give him Aids and never have kids. Maybe I didn’t present the situation well for him, but the next thing I knew my baby brother gave me a very heavy blow. I was shocked and angry and I rushed him. That’s how we started exchanging blows. Of course everyone came to separate us asking what happened. My brother stormed out with his wife. As they were leaving, I screamed ‘Ever ready. You think you can hide abi?” The look of shock, panic and terror on her face as she whirled to look at me was deeply satisfying and convinced me that I was not being paranoid. I then had a private discussion with our parents and the other siblings and told them what I knew. Hera, you won’t believe. They were all angry with ME. Telling me I acted immaturely and I shouldn’t have said anything. My sisters were livid with me. In fact, my father told me not to come to church for the thanksgiving the next day till they sort things out.

Long and short, I am now the bad guy, the black sheep and I feel it is really unfair. What kind of brother will I be if I keep quiet? If anything goes wrong and he catches a disease or they are unable to conceive, is it not the same people that would ask me why I kept quiet since. This is my brother, not some random stranger. Why should he be stuck with this kind of girl? I am sure she kept her filthy past away from him. Why is everyone alienating me and NOT her? Please if you think I did wrong, what should I have done differently?

UPDATE- No one is talking to me o, even my mother. I don’t know what is going on in the house. I call my people and they are all cold to me. I know that they haven’t told other family members because I still relate with everyone normally. I don’t know what is going on with my brother. The only time I called him, he said I should pretend he does not exist for now. That I ruined his life. When I began to argue that I was not the one that ruined his life and that he should not blame the messenger, he hung up on me. I feel so victimized.

Kelvin

This is a very complicated matter for me. My first response was to reprimand you for saying anything at all, YET I understand why you did. It is your brother after all. That being said, you handled it very badly. It is easy for me to sit here and tell you what you should have done instead. Very easy….but I am trying to put myself in your shoes, trying to understand your emotions at the time, the embarrassment you felt that your friends were discussing your brother’s wife, the anger you felt knowing her past. But he who is without sin…………. Personally, I feel the best way to have handled it is to call the girl aside, tell her you know who she is and hope she has changed her ways. Sure, this could backfire. She now knows you know. She could pretend then to listen to you and them systematically drive a wedge between you and your brother, so that anything you ever say about her would not be believed. (I watch too many Nigerian movies).

Please anyone who has a better advise for this young man should please comment. thank you.

Na who send am message

bigtt76: Na who send am message

What action would you have taken?

Ayee Idris:

What action would you have taken?

Call the girl aside and let her in on all you know about her ...recording the session of course. If she nor take off on her own you ask your broda how far. If he doubts it tgen you play back the tape. If he still nor budge ...park load leave them alone.

terrible thing to do. non of his business.very shamefull of him

bigtt76:

Call the girl aside and let her in on all you know about her ...recording the session of course. If she nor take off on her own you ask your broda how far. If he doubts it tgen you play back the tape. If he still nor budge ...park load leave them alone.

That requires planning and a rational mind. We rarely take rational decisions when we are angry.

troy20: terrible thing to do. non of his business.very shamefull of him

Is it really none of his business? It is his brother. What would you have done?

Ayee Idris:

Is it really none of his business? It is his brother. What would you have done?

the brother just got wedded to a woman whom obviously he is going to live forever with.what do you think? You bring up info on a woman when half of it are rumours? What did you hope to achieve at that moment? You just ruined the dudes life.shoulda just kept quite and watch from a distance.he was already wedded for christsake.

troy20:
the brother just got wedded to a woman whom obviously he is going to live forever with.what do you think? You bring up info on a woman when half of it are rumours? What did you hope to achieve at that moment? You just ruined the dudes life.shoulda just kept quite and watch from a distance.he was already wedded for christsake.

I agree with u on face value. However, there are so many dynamics in the matter. Lets assume most of the rumors are true and his brother remains childless for long without knowing the reason or gets an incurable disease, is it then that he should now speak up? You think he would ever forgive himself knowing that he could have prevented it if only he had said something earlier. I don't agree with what he did, but I understand why he did it. Is silence truly the best action in such a case?

U see? Dats why I always say everything in moderation. Becos u neva know where u gonna end up.

is it possible for u not to meet ur brothers fiancee b4 d wedding?abeg pack well

troy20:
the brother just got wedded to a woman whom obviously he is going to live forever with.what do you think? You bring up info on a woman when half of it are rumours? What did you hope to achieve at that moment? You just ruined the dudes life.shoulda just kept quite and watch from a distance.he was already wedded for christsake.

Na international welder wed them? Abeg break d thing up make everybody waka. Dats assuming she didnt tell d hubby before the wedding , which will mean d wedding was based on false pretence.

Ayee Idris:

I agree with u on face value. However, there are so many dynamics in the matter. Lets assume most of the rumors are true and his brother remains childless for long without knowing the reason or gets an incurable disease, is it then that he should now speak up? You think he would ever forgive himself knowing that he could have prevented it if only he had said something earlier. I don't agree with what he did, but I understand why he did it. Is silence truly the best action in such a case?

well i dont think the groom picked his bride straight out of a motel to the alter.he must hav courted her for a while to be aware about somethings.even if he said something now, what would he have accomplished? You lay low.this is already a certified union of a man and a woman and not a relationship.he's made that important decision already let him find out himself.

I wld not blame the brother for speaking out, but his manner, time and location were totally wrong. Thank God you still have parents, you shld have transfered your knowlege about the girl to your parents' hearing straightway.


Anyway, don't feel bad about yourself since all you said about the wife were nothing but the truth . Time have a magical way of solving every complexities. Cheer up, breathe in, breathe out and move on.

You are the best!

First and foremost, I believe everyone deserves second chances. I would rather speak to the lady and tell her what i know. I would then give her an ultimatum to conduct tests (fertility and otherwise) with a Doctor i choose otherwise i would escalate the matter. I would even pay for the tests if necessary.

If she comes out clean, then happy married life. I won't bring it up again.

OP, YOU ARE THE SENDER OF THAT EMAIL! You sound like 90% of NAIRALANDERS who do not mind their religious-hypocritical bibnezez ON OR OFFLINE BECAUSE THEY ARE SUCH MISSSSSSERABLE SOULS WITHOUT AN OUNCE OF HAPPINESS IN THEIR LIVES!!! Pity!!!!

Here goes:

If you feel you did the right thing, you should not be HERE!
You should NEVER make apologies for doing the what you feel is right in your OWN MIND!
Your family already knew about your sister-in-law's runs, and so did your brother.

What I do not understand is WHY YOU DID WHAT YOU TOLD US YOU DID AFTER THE MARRIAGE!
Your brother and family members AND THE WOMAN you insulted have the right to be angry.
In your so-called acts of meddlesome-HEROICS, you only succeeded in portraying yourself as REAL SADIST!
It is interesting that not ONE family member is in your corner to sympathize with you.

You will remain an out-cast for the rest of your natural and spiritual life! SERVES YOU RIGHT!!!

Lessons learned! THE FACT THAT A WOMAN HAS HAS A LITANY OF FAILED RELATIONSHIPS DOES NOT MAKE HER A "HO"!
While searching for love, you can't really tell btw a good or bad FIT, until you get it right.

A woman gives her body and soul in search of love and happiness. She may encounter 1000 frogs before she finally meets her prince!

This woman you scorned may just have met that ONE PIECE to solving her emotional jig-saw puzzle, AND YOU HAVE RUINED THAT!

Chances are: YOUR BROTHER ALREADY KNEW!!! Do yourself a huge favor. . . . ENROLL IN SOME SELF-HELP THERAPY CLASSES ON HOW TO LEARN TO MIND YOUR PHOCKING BUSINESS.

You deserve some happiness in your life, or you will remain an EMBITTERED, SOCIAL-OUTCAST FOR THE REST OF YOUR MATERIAL AND SPIRITUAL LIFE!!!!

By the way. . . . ONCE AGAIN. . . . .SERVES YOU RRRRRRRRRIGHT!!!!!

I wont keep quiet if I find out my brother self wan marry public toilet olonsho

dayokanu: I wont keep quiet if I find out my brother self wan marry public toilet olonsho

Right, but saying it to the groom right on the wedding day is not right either. He should first of all confirm and get all the details. Then after the honeymoon, he should talk to his brother to find out how much of the girl's past the brother knows. Funny thing is that the brother may even know some of the gist. Then after that, he should inform his siblings and parents so that they can all put heads together and tell the groom if th groom did not know. You just don't ruin your brother's wedding day. There are better ways to handle such delicate issues.

If I were the one, I would not even speak to the lady at all. I will just get my facts right and then consult our family members if my brother did not know her past.

It has happened.

Lay low n move on

Your bro has cast his lot

Wow
This na real big trouble o
That's y e good make person do thorough findings bout d person e wan marry
But he suppose don see d girl bfor the brother marry am na
Na that tym e go sweet to talk
But as e don happen
Make our bros just park well for him family
Make everything die down small
Na family matter
Em go settle am

I hope your brother uprooted atleast 3 of your teeth? Awon olofofo two penny. Your friends know that you are silllly,that was why your best friend could open his mouth and tell you such rubbish. If na for my family,we all go gather beat shege comot for the stooopid friends body then go lock dem for barracks. Next time they learn to zip their windpipe mouths and mind their business- if they have any.

If you were half the good,concerned brother you are trying so hard to portray,how come you never ever met your brothers bride until the wedding day? Is your brother an adult or a kid in diapers,how are you sure he not just know about the girl's past but was also part of it?

Bad belle kill joy. Your brother don marry public toilet according to una,oya quench if you must. Was it not men like you that were doing and getting her pregnant? You guys expected her to marry a ghost abi ? Everybody has a past - good or bad,so why use hers against her ? What if she's changed? Any evidence presented by a third party after wedding cannot be used against either of the couple and should be dumped in the trash folder.

This story is likely gonna be fake anyways. . .

ifyalways:
Bad belle kill joy. Your brother don marry public toilet according to una,oya quench if you must. Was it not men like you that were doing and getting her pregnant? You guys expected her to marry a ghost abi ? Everybody has a past - good or bad,so why use hers against her ? What if she's changed? .

Would you marry a serial killer, Hired assasin, murderer, ritualist, junkie, wife beater, serial rap11st, child molester or armed robber, who has "changed" ?

dayokanu:

Would you marry a serial killer, Hired assasin, murderer, ritualist, junkie, wife beater, serial rap11st, child molester or armed robber, who has "changed" ?

How do you people marry nowadays ? You meet someone in Lagos today,date for 3 months and marry?

In my place we ask questions,dig and dig before marriage so there is no such luck. If i find out after marriage,tough luck. Life itself na gamble.

Very dicey situation indeed..I feel for the guy,knowing he could have prevented the pitfall his brother would have fallen into,keeping quiet would haunt him for life.

The said brother did the right thing at the wrong time,good the girl is bad,but time,and situation can change a person. what if the said wife is now a changed person. at least even the condemned has the right to fair hearing.

I really feel for the brother,it shows blood will always be thicker than water,which was why he acted in such a manner.

The knee jerk reaction I also had when I got the mail is why would he do that? But we are known to make rash decision when we are angry. I put myself in his shoes and wondered if I found out after the wedding that my sister had married someone who was known as a notorious cultist who was said to have killed many people back in school, how would I react? would I mind my business and act as if I don't know? God forbid, he is the violent type and ends up killing her during a domestic dispute, is it then I would now say 'ewo! I should have said something'

@ J S, yes his timing was wrong, but the guy didn't intend to make a public scene. He didn't do anything at the wedding. He didn't immediately go tell the parents. Perhaps, if he had not seen the brother that night, he might not have said anything. Again, this is his younger brother. They probably had a good relationship and he felt that he could tell him what he knew. He admitted that he didn't use the best of words, but if the brother already knew of the girl's history, he would not have punched him or said the brother ruined his life.

@Tbaba, dear brother mine, your reasoning is sound, but it takes a cool head to think of this, and this would still be viewed by some as meddling.

@Kanwulia, the brother probably rushed to conclusions about the girl as you have rushed to the conclusion about me already. tsk tsk

@ifyalways, it is possible he met the girl. He never said he didn't. He resides in another state. Chances are high that he only met her days before the wedding. He said she looked eerily familiar but he put it down to always seeing her picture on his brother's dp. It is obvious that back in school, he knew her more by reputation than on a friendship level. As per knowing the girl's past, we all know university life is like Las Vegas. What Happens there usually remains there. He would not have punched his brother if he knew................Everyone has a past, but pasts get levels o! There are some pasts that can hunt you for life.

I am not holding brief for the guy. Personally, I think He did a lot of things wrong, but on an objective level, we don't really do 'lemme mind my business' when our loved one is involved. The question is what would you do if your brother or your sister was involved?

When two consenting adults choose to get married, you stay out of it.

If he hadn't spoken out n something goes wrong thru d girl, ppl ll still blame him for not talking earlier since he knew stuffs about d girl, plus he would never forgive himself.
Now he has let it out n ppl r blaming him for talking; dat he shoulda kept quiet? Really?!!
Those who said it was wrong timing I ask when woulda been the right time? Let's Put urselves in that situation. Its always easier blaming ppl when we were/are not in the same spot they were/are.



My take?.......he did d right thing. Let's face it.
Its now left for the groom (bro) to ignore him and carry on with the marriage. His reaction showed he didn't really know the girl before marrying her sef

Cold faya: If he hadn't spoken out n something goes wrong thru d girl, ppl ll still blame him for not talking earlier since he knew stuffs about d girl, plus he would never forgive himself.
Now he has let it out n ppl r blaming him for talking; dat he shoulda kept quiet? Really?!!
Those who said it was wrong timing I ask when woulda been the right time? Let's Put urselves in that situation. Its always easier blaming ppl when we were/are not in the same spot they were/are.



My take?.......he did d right thing. Let's face it.
Its now left for the groom (bro) to ignore him and carry on with the marriage. His reaction showed he didn't really know the girl before marrying her sef

so you tell him now that he is married so that he will divource a wife he married with vows immediatly because you care so much for him not to... What was your reason again...yea to find out about a past you probably have few comfirmed facts about.that she MAY have had several abortions and so MAY not be able to concieve.that she MAY have a desease (and i dont suppose he would have had it by now) and so you wouldnt want him to have too right? I dont suppose i left anything else out

If it was your brother in the scenario and you were not able to meet the women prior to the wedding say due to work, location etc

And you know her to be a lady of questionable xter back in the day with multiple patrons and abortions, will you have this same conclusion

ifyalways:
Bad belle kill joy. Your brother don marry public toilet according to una,oya quench if you must. Was it not men like you that were doing and getting her pregnant? You guys expected her to marry a ghost abi ? Everybody has a past - good or bad,so why use hers against her ? What if she's changed? Any evidence presented by a third party after wedding cannot be used against either of the couple and should be dumped in the trash folder.

pickabeau1: If it was your brother in the scenario and you were not able to meet the women prior to the wedding say due to work, location etc

And you know her to be a lady of questionable xter back in the day with multiple patrons and abortions, will you have this same conclusion

Right, but the issue is that cause that kind of a scene on the wedding day?

Nashville:

Right, but saying it to the groom right on the wedding day is not right either. He should first of all confirm and get all the details. Then after the honeymoon, he should talk to his brother to find out how much of the girl's past the brother knows. Funny thing is that the brother may even know some of the gist. Then after that, he should inform his siblings and parents so that they can all put heads together and tell the groom if th groom did not know. You just don't ruin your brother's wedding day. There are better ways to handle such delicate issues.

If I were the one, I would not even speak to the lady at all. I will just get my facts right and then consult our family members if my brother did not know her past.

The earlier the better, but i would have told our parents and wait for their decision.