SO, WHAT'S WRONG IN CHOOSING MARRIAGE?
A lawyer friend on facebook shared this and i thought to share with you guys.

Two incidents prompted this write up and I'll give a summary of both before I go on.
The first one is one embarrasingly interesting event. It happened sometime last year when I was a Nigerian Law School student on attachment in Ibadan. On that day, myself and a friend, Tobi had gone to a high court room in Ibadan and interestingly, we met another friend, 'Lola in court. When court sat and the very strict female Judge was carried away in argument with a counsel before her, my friends and I got talking and I must admit, we got so engrossed in the talk and we were making noise and we didn't know when the judge stopped arguing and concentrated on us in anger but then, someone tapped one of us "back to life" to see the Judge's eyes on us and knowing we were already in for it, we quickly rose to our feet to apologise to "My Lord" but she wouldn't hear any of our pleas and she rained a lot of insults on us. One she however said and which is relevant here is "...all these girls, they never have any vision or ambition and at the end, they just go and get married...". It was a highly embarrasing moment, I must say, as it was a very FULL court on that day and I'm sure Tobi and 'Lola will never forget that event in a jiffy. LOL
The second incident; I read on the internet one day, a comment from Cossy Orjiakor asking a lady who had hurled some insults at her to go and cook for her husband as she was not in her class, implying that marriage is for ladies of low class.
Now, my curiosity is this: is there any conflict between marriage and civilisation? Is anyone thinking marriage is for "ambitionless" ladies or for ladies who have failed or cannot make a headway in their career or for "untush" ladies? If this is what "westernisation" is doing to some people, I suppose too much of westernisation is bad afterall. From my own view, marriage is for "good" people, it is one of the greatest achievements especially when you do it with the right person (you may disagree). Marriage, especially when you find the right partner helps you reach many of your goals. Marriage is not for the low lifes but for the responsible. Marriage doesn't necessarily have to come after we have done everything and find nothing else to do, it doesn't necessarily have to come after we have built mansions on oceans. Marriage is not something we should attribute to the unserious and turn to a term we adopt in ridiculing lazy people, never do wells or the unlettered or uncivilised. I see it as a success in itself, at least if not for anything, Islam tells me it completes half of my religion.

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bilms:
Now, my curiosity is this: is there any conflict between marriage and civilisation? Is anyone thinking marriage is for "ambitionless" ladies or for ladies who have failed or cannot make a headway in their career or for "untush" ladies?

If this is what "westernisation" is doing to some people, I suppose too much of westernisation is bad afterall.
From my own view, marriage is for "good" people, it is one of the greatest achievements especially when you do it with the right person (you may disagree). Marriage, especially when you find the right partner helps you reach many of your goals. Marriage is not for the low lifes but for the responsible. Marriage doesn't necessarily have to come after we have done everything and find nothing else to do, it doesn't necessarily have to come after we have built mansions on oceans. Marriage is not something we should attribute to the unserious and turn to a term we adopt in ridiculing lazy people, never do wells or the unlettered or uncivilised. I see it as a success in itself, at least if not for anything, Islam tells me it completes half of my religion.

if the theories written by many social observers are to be believed, career women are more likely to have unstable marriages and should be avoided.

you can marry light/dark skin chic, marry a fat/slim chic, marry tall/short, marry caucasian/oriental or perhaps an alien but whatever you decide, do not marry a career woman.

professional women are more likely to get divorced, less likely to want kids and even when they do, they are more likely to be unhappy & stressed about them. they are even more likely to cheat while crossing from one continent to another to hold seminars.

even the hardline feminists are very very happy when their husband is the primary breadwinner.

coogar:

if the theories written by many social observers are to be believed, career women are more likely to have unstable marriages and should be avoided.

you can marry light/dark skin chic, marry a fat/slim chic, marry tall/short, marry caucasian/oriental or perhaps an alien but whatever you decide, do not marry a career woman.

professional women are more likely to get divorced, less likely to want kids and even when they do, they are more likely to be unhappy & stressed about them. they are even more likely to cheat while crossing from one continent to another to hold seminars.

even the hardline feminists are very very happy when their husband is the primary breadwinner.

are you serious?

ireneidiva:
are you serious?

take your time & think about it....

ireneidiva:
are you serious?

One thing for sure is that Coogar is serious. I agree with 60% of what he has said and disagree with the rest.

I agree that statistically speaking, professional women are less likely to want kids and more likely to get divorced. Isn't that very obvious? On the other hand, I do not agree that professional women are more likely to cheat, different reasons make women cheat. And for coogar to say men should avoid career women is completely wrong.

Not all men are alike and not all women are alike. Some career women can manage a family, infact where I used to work, I had a female senior colleague who had four children and still worked really hard. It is possible. These issues should be discussed before marriage and agreed. Some men like me actually prefer career women - my wife cannot be a full housewife that does nothing. But other men may prefer a full housewife.

On the issue of who the breadwinner should be - I also kinda agree with Coogar, it is better the man is the breadwinner. Even my mother in law always prays that I continue to be the breadwinner in my family. I think that was the original design, but it may not always be like that. But surely, the man has to make significant financial contribution to the house. I will say at least 50%.

Back to the topic, stereotyping women is not only in Nigeria. Even Mitt Romney was accused several times of doing this during the last American elections when he made statements like - "women have to go home to cook every night" and "he has binders full of women". This happens more amongst older people. In the UK you hear people talking about dumb blonde girls whose life ambition is to become WAGs.

But the truth is that each of us need to know what we want out of life. Marriage is very desireable, and I have noticed that most of the people who criticise the marriage institution are just jealous either because they have never been married or they had failed marriages. Check every single one of them and you will see that any woman that expressly criticises the marriage institution will fall into on of the two categories i described. Sorry but why should anyone take Cossy seriously. She doesnt even deserve a response in my opinion so her words should carry no weight.

Marriage is very honourable and comes with it a certain amount of responsibility. It also even implies that someone has considered you worthy enough to want to spend the rest of their lives with you. How can that be bad? Raising children and managing in-laws isnt for lazy people at all, on the contrary, marriage actually makes you alot more responsible.

Nashville:
One thing for sure is that Coogar is serious. I agree with 60% of what he has said and disagree with the rest.

a disappointing 6/10?...that's the lowest i have scored in 10 years.

I agree that statistically speaking, professional women are less likely to want kids and more likely to get divorced. Isn't that very obvious? On the other hand, I do not agree that professional women are more likely to cheat, different reasons make women cheat. And for coogar to say men should avoid career women is completely wrong.

a woman that has more education than her partner is more likely to have a sëxual relationship outside her marriage.

employment has significantly aided infidelity over the past few years. the banking industry in nigeria is the first place to start....women spend more time with potential bedmates at work these days than they do with their partners at home....

Not all men are alike and not all women are alike. Some career women can manage a family, infact where I used to work, I had a female senior colleague who had four children and still worked really hard. It is possible. These issues should be discussed before marriage and agreed. Some men like me actually prefer career women - my wife cannot be a full housewife that does nothing. But other men may prefer a full housewife.

note i used more likely in my submission.
of course, there are plenty of career women who can multi-task but a stayathome mom that puts her family first before a capitalist employer is a surer bet. emphasis on surer.

On the issue of who the breadwinner should be - I also kinda agree with Coogar, it is better the man is the breadwinner. Even my mother in law always prays that I continue to be the breadwinner in my family. I think that was the original design, but it may not always be like that. But surely, the man has to make significant financial contribution to the house. I will say at least 50%.

contrary to what many people think or say - a woman is unhappy if she makes more than her husband. i am also sure a responsible man cannot be happy if he makes less earnings than the wife - none of the parties in marriage is happy with the woman making more so i don't even agree 50-50. more like men should contribute at least 70% while the women should fill in the rest.

coogar:

a disappointing 6/10?...that's the lowest i have scored in 10 years.



a woman that has more education than her partner is more likely to have a sëxual relationship outside her marriage.

employment has significantly aided infidelity over the past few years. the banking industry in nigeria is the first place to start....women spend more time with potential bedmates at work these days than they do with their partners at home....



note i used more likely in my submission.
of course, there are plenty of career women who can multi-task but a stayathome mom that puts her family first before a capitalist employer is a surer bet. emphasis on surer.



contrary to what many people think or say - a woman is unhappy if she makes more than her husband. i am also sure a responsible man cannot be happy if he makes less earnings than the wife - none of the parties in marriage is happy with the woman making more so i don't even agree 50-50. more like men should contribute at least 70% while the women should fill in the rest.

I will focus on the two areas we disagree. I agree professional woman meet more guys at work but what about stay at home mums. The idle mind they say is the devil's workshop. When anyone is idle, more stange thoughts start running through their minds. Secondly, any woman cheating knows that she MUST NOT get caught. So who has more opportunity to cheat. I woman who works 8 - 6pm + traffic time or a woman who is at home all day and can perfectly predict her husband's movement? Bros, the cheating thing is very dicey.

Marriage is not one size fits all. You should not be betting at all in marriage and so I am wondering why you say some women will be surer bets. You need to take a potential partner separately and measure his/her own merits or demerits. You cannot conclude that a sit at home wife will be a better mother or home keeper than a working woman. Each case is absolutely different.

On quoting financial contribution to the house, I think there is no right number. Some young lady reading this thread may think that because her husband does not contribute 70% then he is not doing enough. Men should make a significant financial contribution to the home, but that number varies.

@OP:

I do not think that the Judge is against marriage but against idle minds.

However, marriage when put in proper perspective is a beautiful thing

hum

Nashville:
I will focus on the two areas we disagree. I agree professional woman meet more guys at work but what about stay at home mums. The idle mind they say is the devil's workshop. When anyone is idle, more stange thoughts start running through their minds. Secondly, any woman cheating knows that she MUST NOT get caught. So who has more opportunity to cheat. I woman who works 8 - 6pm + traffic time or a woman who is at home all day and can perfectly predict her husband's movement? Bros, the cheating thing is very dicey.

our foremothers did this & you can bet there's little or no infidelity back then than it is right now when women have been let out in the name of sëx equality.

a woman who has to meet more suitable potential partners at work is more likely to cheat. her work might even take her out of town intermittently for few days with male colleagues all bunking in the same hotel. the opportunity to cheat is endless for the career woman.

Marriage is not one size fits all. You should not be betting at all in marriage and so I am wondering why you say some women will be surer bets. You need to take a potential partner separately and measure his/her own merits or demerits. You cannot conclude that a sit at home wife will be a better mother or home keeper than a working woman. Each case is absolutely different.

surely, a woman who puts her husband & her children first before her career will be the better mother. she prepares them for school & she's there on time when the kids close. she monitors their homework, gives them lunch instead of leaving it in the hands of paid strangers who are potential child abusers.

furthermore, the career woman doesn't even know what her kids get up to in school. she spends less time with her kids & gives them pre-cooked food. the house is constantly filthy if she cannot afford an au pair and stress is inevitable when she has to combine work stress with domestic work. she's also less likely to raise family-oriented kids.

On quoting financial contribution to the house, I think there is no right number. Some young lady reading this thread may think that because her husband does not contribute 70% then he is not doing enough. Men should make a significant financial contribution to the home, but that number varies.

women still marry up though - they actually know men that earn lower income than them are more likely to be insecure and that's when the power struggle really starts. add that to the naturally-caustic tongue of african women that it's not hard to see why divorce rate in nigeria has suddenly skyrocketed.

Marriage and career are not incompatible.

Women just have to set realistic expectations for themselves and understand life is not a fairytale.

Men also should do the same.

tpia@:
Marriage and career are not incompatible.

Women just have to set realistic expectations for themselves and understand life is not a fairytale.

Men also should do the same.

of course, marriage & career are not incompatible - we know that much. what about parenting & career?

coogar:

of course, marriage & career are not incompatible - we know that much. what about parenting & career?

Coogar, please do not say they are incompatible, please dont say so, please, please!

Nashville:

Coogar, please do not say they are incompatible, please dont say so, please, please!

Lol!

According to Coogar, they are not

Nashville:
Coogar, please do not say they are incompatible, please dont say so, please, please!

but this is practical......
kids bond better when one of the parents is at home to oversee what they get up to before/after school. leaving them in the hands of total strangers who are being paid & then abuse kids is screwing up the society. no wonder the government is getting more invasive into families.

how can things work when both parties work around 40 hours per week? where's the time to spend the evening together? it will soon degenerate to a situation where both parties go home to just sleep with no talking, no intimacy, no bonding, etc before you know it, there's a disconnection with one's spouse & then infidelity is imminent.

coogar:

but this is practical......
kids bond better when one of the parents is at home to oversee what they get up to before/after school. leaving them in the hands of total strangers who are being paid & then abuse kids is screwing up the society. no wonder the government is getting more invasive into families.

how can things work when both parties work around 40 hours per week? where's the time to spend the evening together? it will soon degenerate to a situation where both parties go home to just sleep with no talking, no intimacy, no bonding, etc before you know it, there's a disconnection with one's spouse & then infidelity is imminent.

Bros, people work to earn a living, to pay their bills and to also fulfill their potential. Now that is as important as almost anything else in life. The first few years after childbirth may be tough but once the children start going to school, nothing stops both parents from working. The kids normally come home around 4pm anyway because of school and its activities. So why should one parent (i guess the woman), just sit at home waiting for the kids to come back? How does she account for 8 hours everyday? Should she continue watching Africa Magic all day everyday? Is that what you want for your own daughters after sending them to Harvard Law, Business or Medical School? Seriously?

What is the big deal if one parent comes back at 6pm and continues the family time with the kids, helping with homework etc. Is it the extra two hours they will spend with the nanny (4-6pm) that will completely ruin the kids lives? All the nanny does is probably prepare a meal and change their cloths anyway?

Parenting and career are perfectly compatible. I cant understand how they are not. And on connection between husband and wife, the two would always have to work on it, whether they are both working or jobless. Do you think if both couple are jobless, they will be all lovey dovey?

Nashville:

Bros, people work to earn a living, to pay their bills and to also fulfill their potential. Now that is as important as almost anything else in life. The first few years after childbirth may be tough but once the children start going to school, nothing stops both parents from working. The kids normally come home around 4pm anyway because of school and its activitied. So why should one parent (i guess the woman), just sit at home waiting for the kids to come back? How does she account for 8 hours everyday? Should she continue watching Africa Magic all day everyday? Is that what you want for your own daughters after sending them to Harvard Law, Business or Medical School? Seriously?

What is the big deal if one parent comes back at 6pm and continues the family time with the kids, helping with homework etc. Is it the extra two hours they will spend with the nanny (4-6pm) that will completely ruin the kids lives? All the nanny does is probably prepare a meal and change their cloths anyway?

Parenting and career are perfectly compatible. I cant understand how they are not. And on connection between husband and wife, the two would always have to work on it, whether they are both working ot jobless. Do you think if both couple are jobless, they will be all lovey dovey?

100%

Lovely!

Nashville:
Bros, people work to earn a living, to pay their bills and to also fulfill their potential. Now that is as important as almost anything else in life. The first few years after childbirth may be tough but once the children start going to school, nothing stops both parents from working. The kids normally come home around 4pm anyway because of school and its activities. So why should one parent (i guess the woman), just sit at home waiting for the kids to come back? How does she account for 8 hours everyday? Should she continue watching Africa Magic all day everyday? Is that what you want for your own daughters after sending them to Harvard Law, Business or Medical School? Seriously?

yes, that's the problem of today's society. instead of living to work, we now work to live. possessive individualism has taken over completely and become our main normative framework for evaluating social life.

consumerism furnishes us with a sense of identity and materialism has become the sole indicator of worthiness & success at the expense of humanism. from this paradigm, we can no longer know how to appreciate human relationships if no money is involved.

my daughters would have to choose which one suits them the most. be a slave of the exploitative capitalist world or be a woman that chooses her husband before a capitalist employer, family before company, children before career.

my daughters will decide whether to pursue their careers aggressively instead of being a woman who brings home happiness and not contribute to the stress quota, a woman who is attentive and soothes the man’s own stress, a woman who invest into bringing up family-oriented children instead of abandoning their upbringing to state functionaries and capitalist entrepreneurs.

What is the big deal if one parent comes back at 6pm and continues the family time with the kids, helping with homework etc. Is it the extra two hours they will spend with the nanny (4-6pm) that will completely ruin the kids lives? All the nanny does is probably prepare a meal and change their cloths anyway?

staying at home does not mean she puts her legs up doing nothing & memorising the EPG of all digital TV channels. there are many ways she can bring home some income with a laptop & a broadband internet service but the key is to be there for the children & spend quality/quantity time with them.

Parenting and career are perfectly compatible. I cant understand how they are not. And on connection between husband and wife, the two would always have to work on it, whether they are both working ot jobless. Do you think if both couple are jobless, they will be all lovey dovey?

no one is saying the couple should be jobless. all i am saying is one of them must sacrifice his/her career for the upbringing of the children & not abandon them for the state to take care of them. this is simply division of labour when the kids are in their formative years & need one of the parents to stay with them. when they grow older, changes could be applied!

one of the parents can work part time if staying home is not advisable.

tpia@:
one of the parents can work part time if staying home is not advisable.

in the UK, this is not even advisable.
taxable income can go as high as 45% when both parents work while mid-range income earners get to pay only 22% tax. so you find out that working couple are not even better off but they would have sacrificed their time with the kids in chasing ghosts on the streets. on top of their loss, parts of their tax is used to buy a living for an irresponsible woman that got impregnated during binge-drinking or pay the abortion bills of women who don't want to keep the baby.

coogar:

yes, that's the problem of today's society. instead of living to work, we now work to live. possessive individualism has taken over completely and become our main normative framework for evaluating social life.

consumerism furnishes us with a sense of identity and materialism has become the sole indicator of worthiness & success at the expense of humanism. from this paradigm, we can no longer know how to appreciate human relationships if no money is involved.

my daughters would have to choose which one suits them the most. be a slave of the exploitative capitalist world or be a woman that chooses her husband before a capitalist employer, family before company, children before career.

my daughters will decide whether to pursue their careers aggressively instead of being a woman who brings home happiness and not contribute to the stress quota, a woman who is attentive and soothes the man’s own stress, a woman who invest into bringing up family-oriented children instead of abandoning their upbringing to state functionaries and capitalist entrepreneurs.



staying at home does not mean she puts her legs up doing nothing & memorising the EPG of all digital TV channels. there are many ways she can bring home some income with a laptop & a broadband internet service but the key is to be there for the children & spend quality/quantity time with them.



no one is saying the couple should be jobless. all i am saying is one of them must sacrifice his/her career for the upbringing of the children & not abandon them for the state to take care of them. this is simply division of labour when the kids are in their formative years & need one of the parents to stay with them. when they grow older, changes could be applied!

Working and having dreams of achieving something or doing something tangible with your God given talent does not mean you are being exploited by capitalists. A women can be an entreprenuer or even gainfully employed without being exploited. I know several people (women inclusive) working in the Oil and Gas sector who get home as early as 5pm. They have a fulfilling career and can spend time with their kids. You talk of women bringing in income with a computer. First of all, how reliable is internet connectivity in Nigeria? Secondly, how many such opportunities exist to run a functional business from home. I am not talking about people being slaves to their employers, I am just talking about women having a decent career or business and using their God given brains for themselves. This is not about consumerism as I see you want to argue on the extreme. Bros, if what you really want for your daughters is for them to be full time housewives, then stop wasting your money by sending them to school. Someone would marry them anyway and use them for homekeeping activities (cooking, cleaning and sexx)- they dont need any formal education or too much skill or brains for that.

The formative years are essential but after that, I am just wondering what the wife should be doing at home for 8 hours everyday looking at the sky for evermore. Maybe cooking and cleaning you will say, but seriously I do not want that for my wife or daughters. What if the children go to boarding school? How would you account for the wife's time or even when they get into Uni? Dont you think that is just a waste of brain cells?

Nashville:

Working and having dreams of achieving something or doing something tangible with your God given talent does not mean you are being exploited by capitalists. A women can be an entreprenuer or even gainfully employed without being exploited. I know several people (women inclusive) working in the Oil and Gas sector who get home as early as 5pm. They have a fulfilling career and can spend time with their kids. You talk of women bringing in income with a computer. First of all, how reliable is internet connectivity in Nigeria? Secondly, how many such opportunities exist to run a functional business from home. I am not talking about people being slaves to their employers, I am just talking about women having a decent career or business and using their God given brains for themselves. This is not about consumerism as I see you want to argue on the extreme. Bros, if what you really want for your daughters is for them to be full time housewives, then stop wasting your money by sending them to school. Someone would marry them anyway and use them for homekeeping activities (cooking, cleaning and sexx)- they dont need any formal education or too much skill or brains for that.

The formative years are essential but after that, I am just wondering what the wife should be doing at home for 8 hours everyday looking at the sky for evermore. Maybe cooking and cleaning you will say, but seriously I do not want that for my wife or daughters. What if the children go to boarding school? How would you account for the wife's time or even when they get into Uni? Dont you think that is just a waste of brain cells?

In addition, a lady that knows she wants to be a full housewife should let other people use her admission space

Admission race is now a jungle market and a scarce resource that should not be wasted.

coogar:

in the UK, this is not even advisable.
taxable income can go as high as 45% when both parents work while mid-range income earners get to pay only 22% tax. so you find out that working couple are not even better off but they would have sacrificed their time with the kids in chasing ghosts on the streets. on top of their loss, parts of their tax is used to buy a living for an irresponsible woman that got impregnated during binge-drinking or pay the abortion bills of women who don't want to keep the baby.

My simple advice is that if you want to avoid paying tax then don't work. How can you argue that, I would not work because I dont want to pay tax. Now for places like UK where the cost of a nanny/childcare may be more than the salary one parent brings home, may be it may be advisable for one parent to stay at home for a while but you cannot use that excuse forever. The kids will start going to school and then you just cant sit there and continue watching Comedy Central or Nollywood TV!

Nashville:

My simple advice is that if you want to avoid paying tax then don't work. How can you argue that, I would not work because I dont want to pay tax. Now for places like UK where the cost of a nanny/childcare may be more than the salary one parent brings home, may be it may be advisable for one parent to stay at home for a while but you cannot use that excuse forever. The kids will start going to school and then you just cant sit there and continue watching Comedy Central or Nollywood TV!

come on....don't pretend you don't know what i am talking about. i am saying the more one earns in the UK, the more taxes he pays so the incentive to even have the two working at the expense of quality time with the kids is non-existent.

however, the capitalists & the feminists have collectively demonised full housewives as lazy slobs or gold-diggers when we all know they contribute a lot in the society in grooming these kids into upstanding citizens. i'm speaking from the UK perspective so we might have differing opinions cos of how the system works here.

career women have gotten out of the home to compete with the men in various working industries & yet remain unhappy. capitalists stabbed them in the back by doubling the prices of everything making the net contribution of the career women 0%.....

add the cost of child care(something career women should be doing in the first place) & the fact that most kids are raised by strangers then you have a scenario that has increased the stress level of everyone. husbands are working even longer hours & still struggle to make ends meet unlike decades ago when most women were at home doing the needful & a man's income is enough to cater for all & sundry.

instead of these career women to swallow their pride & be apologetic toward their husband for the mess they have made of life, these feminists/career women try to convince their husbands that their unhappiness is because the husbands aren't doing enough & the mumu husband will enter another rat race of adding Ph.D, CCIE, MBA to the existing ACCA, M.Sc, B.Eng till you create a clusterfück of highly educated men doing menial jobs.

Nashville:
Working and having dreams of achieving something or doing something tangible with your God given talent does not mean you are being exploited by capitalists. A women can be an entreprenuer or even gainfully employed without being exploited. I know several people (women inclusive) working in the Oil and Gas sector who get home as early as 5pm. They have a fulfilling career and can spend time with their kids.

you are talking about less than 1% of world's population. what about the chunky majority in the rat race to survive? why is the society getting shittier? why do we have more child abusers in the world. if one of the parents is doing close monitoring, wouldn't there be a reduction of child abuse?

You talk of women bringing in income with a computer. First of all, how reliable is internet connectivity in Nigeria? Secondly, how many such opportunities exist to run a functional business from home. I am not talking about people being slaves to their employers, I am just talking about women having a decent career or business and using their God given brains for themselves. This is not about consumerism as I see you want to argue on the extreme.

i doubt we can have it both ways.
we either let everyone work & ignore what our society becomes or have one parent stay at home & fix the ills of the society starting from now. if a woman wants to pursue her career then she has no business raising kids - she can adopt a full blown adult if she wishes and life will be easier for you & i.

Bros, if what you really want for your daughters is for them to be full time housewives, then stop wasting your money by sending them to school. Someone would marry them anyway and use them for homekeeping activities (cooking, cleaning and sexx)- they dont need any formal education or too much skill or brains for that.

it's a choice they will have to make themselves. i don't believe in dictatorship. the pros & cons of both sides will be laid out to them. let them make the choice - it's their prerogative.

The formative years are essential but after that, I am just wondering what the wife should be doing at home for 8 hours everyday looking at the sky for evermore. Maybe cooking and cleaning you will say, but seriously I do not want that for my wife or daughters. What if the children go to boarding school? How would you account for the wife's time or even when they get into Uni? Dont you think that is just a waste of brain cells?

i already stated the women can go back to full time employment as soon as the kids can stand on their own. yes, boarding school offers an excellent solution but i remember saying kids in their formative years. would you put your 2 year-old son in a boarding school?

Coogar has some great points but you an like to argue from the most extreme points of the spectrum.Haba parenting and career are incompatible haan haan now ,.I agree that the way stay at home mums are often demonised is a very very unfair generalisation BUT I still think it's up to both parents to decide what can work for the family.Some companies have good flexi work patterns,once the kids are in full time school you can opt to work part time thereby having the best of both worlds.To be honest though,even in the UK where parental laws are quite generous, it is still hard juggle to make family a priority esp in the early years.I am not playing victim or anything but i had issues at work cos i was seen as not 'social' enough. I.e pub crawls,team night outs,working out of station,child care cock ups etc.My daughter had been in AandE and my manager told me I cant let you go for another hour.Thank God my hubby was able to leave work but I told him khan my family comes first.How effective will I be when I know my child is ill in hospital.In my team, I was the only mother and even though based on my work ethic and experience on the job,it one way or the other was an issue.My manager could not just say Dami you are going to manchester on Monday.Heck I even did not get a role that I was qualified for cos they said my hours did not meet business needs(I resumed at 8 with a 30 min lunch so I could close at 4 or 3:45 as i picked up my daughter while hubby dropped her in the morning)so it was not like I was working part time sef.So yeah it is hard and it comes to a point where you wonder is it all worth it sef?But as Nashville has said its for a while,it gets a bit easier after that 0-5 stage.

damiso: Coogar has some great points but you an like to argue from the most extreme points of the spectrum.Haba parenting and career are incompatible haan haan now ,.I agree that the way stay at home mums are often demonised is a very very unfair generalisation BUT I still think it's up to both parents to decide what can work for the family.Some companies have good flexi work patterns,once the kids are in full time school you can opt to work part time thereby having the best of both worlds.To be honest though,even in the UK where parental laws are quite generous, it is still hard juggle to make family a priority esp in the early years.I am not playing victim or anything but i had issues at work cos i was seen as not 'social' enough. I.e pub crawls,team night outs,working out of station,child care cock ups etc.My daughter had been in AandE and my manager told me I cant let you go for another hour.Thank God my hubby was able to leave work but I told him khan my family comes first.How effective will I be when I know my child is ill in hospital.In my team, I was the only mother and even though based on my work ethic and experience on the job,it one way or the other was an issue.My manager could not just say Dami you are going to manchester on Monday.Heck I even did not get a role that I was qualified for cos they said my hours did not meet business needs(I resumed at 8 with a 30 min lunch so I could close at 4 or 3:45 as i picked up my daughter while hubby dropped her in the morning)so it was not like I was working part time sef.So yeah it is hard and it comes to a point where you wonder is it all worth it sef?But as Nashville has said its for a while,it gets a bit easier after that 0-5 stage.

that's the only bit i saw in your post

on a serious note, that some people can cope with the 2 does not mean it's compatible. you just told us now that it's hard & that's exactly what i am trying to highlight. if it's compatible, why is it hard to do? shouldn't it just be a stroll in the park?

like you have said, there are sacrifices to be made to fulfill the 2 roles effectively - missing a juicy job offer would have killed me. the antisocial aspect is even worse - one cannot engage in those team bonding activities and et cetera. is it really worth it, huh?

coogar:

that's the only bit i saw in your post

on a serious note, that some people can cope with the 2 does not mean it's compatible. you just told us now that it's hard & that's exactly what i am trying to highlight. if it's compatible, why is it hard to do? shouldn't it just be a stroll in the park?

like you have said, there are sacrifices to be made to fulfill the 2 roles effectively - missing a juicy job offer would have killed me. the antisocial aspect is even worse - one cannot engage in those team bonding activities and et cetera. is it really worth it, huh?

Not sure any good thing comes easy in life except your dad is Dangote or Bill Gates. We all know the first few years are tough everywhere in the world. I have lived in the US, UK and Nigeria and raising a family is not easy anywhere, especially the first 5 - 7 years. While I will not support my wife to have a consulting job that takes her out of town all the time, I just cannot understand how you can say a woman have a 9-5pm day job is incompatible with raising a family. To Damiso's example, your company is a bit harsh cos I have worked in the Uk and there have been several instances where I have had to go in late or not show up at all just to watch my kids school play or take them to school. It all depends on the nature of the job.

Mind you, let us not talk as if, bringing up the children is the mother's responsibility. This responsibility should be shared and may be what makes it very very difficult for some women is that their husbands dont do anything to help them. As I said, I will not spend all that money on my daughter for her to be watching African Magic for the rest of her life. God forbid, the man loses his job or becomes incapacitated or even dies young. Can a woman who has never worked or earned an income support the family? Who knows what life will throw at us.

Nashville:
Not sure any good thing comes easy in life except your dad is Dangote or Bill Gates. We all know the first few years are tough everywhere in the world. I have lived in the US, UK and Nigeria and raising a family is not easy anywhere, especially the first 5 - 7 years. While I will not support my wife to have a consulting job that takes her out of town all the time, I just cannot understand how you can say a woman have a 9-5pm day job is incompatible with raising a family.

it was easy when men were doing it alone - then women joined the workforce & we have to leave our precious kids in the hands of total strangers. the govt is not stüpid - they know most husbands & wives work and the income they earn might give room to inflation so they doubled the prices & it's almost like what it used to be when only husbands were in employment.

To Damiso's example, your company is a bit harsh cos I have worked in the Uk and there have been several instances where I have had to go in late or not show up at all just to watch my kids school play or take them to school. It all depends on the nature of the job.

the competition is higher nowadays....there are too many qualified applicants seeking jobs out there. it's the employer's world!

Mind you, let us not talk as if, bringing up the children is the mother's responsibility. This responsibility should be shared and may be what makes it very very difficult for some women is that their husbands dont do anything to help them.

it will always happen this way because the roles are not interchangeable. 70% of these tasks are biology. a woman knows when her baby is crying even if she's far off - it's the motherly instinct. men don't have these innate abilities - you can train him from now to eternity & the connection is missing. things would have been easier if men share the responsibility of carrying babies for 9 months like women.

As I said, I will not spend all that money on my daughter for her to be watching African Magic for the rest of her life. God forbid, the man loses his job or becomes incapacitated or even dies young. Can a woman who has never worked or earned an income support the family? Who knows what life will throw at us.

i will spend money & train my daughters but if they decide to become full housewives, it's their prerogative. i never intended to take their salary just because i trained them. how many of today's women are even doing the jobs from the courses their parents spent top dollar on?

what makes you think ini edo did not study medicine in UNICAL? is she practising as a doctor now? would you say her life isn't fulfilled cos she changed her career path? my role as a parent is to provide several options for my daughters. theirs is to choose what suits them.