I have been a follower of the family section for a couple of years. I have a serious issue that is threatening my marriage, I have no one to talk to as I am abit conscious about discussing my marriage with others even family. I am hoping to get some advice or ideas from here.

I have been married for a year now, my husband and I dated for a while before tying the knot. We never had sex before marriage, though we did alot of other things, I was just never ready to take it to the next level. After the wedding, trying to have sex was very difficult. I was very tight and it was extremely painful (unfortunately, pain is one thing I have never been able to tolerate). What did we not try, getting drunk, taking drugs. Long story short we finally had sex about 5months into the marriage. I have to say that my husband was very understanding and I will forever love him for this.

The problem now is that sex is extremely uncomfortable for me. It is always a battle for him to penetrate, because for me the pain always feels like the first time. Just imagine that everytime we want to get down there is always a struggle before he finally enters. My husband is tired and has told me that i need to find a way of solving this issue. Infact he said I should not speak to him until I am ready to open my legs and stay put for him to penetrate. He says he is loosing all the desire he has for me at the moment. I dont know what to do, I am so distraught. I feel like a failure as a wife, I mean who has ever heard of a new wife running from sex because of the fear of pain.
I dont know if its psychological or if there is something wrong with me down there physically. All I know is that I need help, because I cannot imagine loosing my best friend and soul mate. Pls is there anyone who has gone through this, can anyone help with suggestions on how I can learn to open up, relax and deal with the discomfort. Because I believe that if I can do this, then I can be able to let go and then it will be pleasurable for him and myself as well.

Mary_John247: I have been a follower of the family section for a couple of years. I have a serious issue that is threatening my marriage, I have no one to talk to as I am abit conscious about discussing my marriage with others even family. I am hoping to get some advice or ideas from here.

I have been married for a year now, my husband and I dated for a while before tying the knot. We never had sex before marriage, though we did alot of other things, I was just never ready to take it to the next level. After the wedding, trying to have sex was very difficult. I was very tight and it was extremely painful (unfortunately, pain is one thing I have never been able to tolerate). What did we not try, getting drunk, taking drugs. Long story short we finally had sex about 5months into the marriage. I have to say that my husband was very understanding and I will forever love him for this.

The problem now is that sex is extremely uncomfortable for me. It is always a battle for him to penetrate, because for me the pain always feels like the first time. Just imagine that everytime we want to get down there is always a struggle before he finally enters. My husband is tired and has told me that i need to find a way of solving this issue. Infact he said I should not speak to him until I am ready to open my legs and stay put for him to penetrate. He says he is loosing all the desire he has for me at the moment. I dont know what to do, I am so distraught. I feel like a failure as a wife, I mean who has ever heard of a new wife running from sex because of the fear of pain.
I dont know if its psychological or if there is something wrong with me down there physically. All I know is that I need help, because I cannot imagine loosing my best friend and soul mate. Pls is there anyone who has gone through this, can anyone help with suggestions on how I can learn to open up, relax and deal with the discomfort. Because I believe that if I can do this, then I can be able to let go and then it will be pleasurable for him and myself as well.

Hmmm. Not an easy thing to be going through. Have u tried a therapist? I heard of a female condition that results in painful sex. Google it maybe.

Sounds to me like you have a classic case of vaginismus
It is an involuntary condition where your vag.inal muscles tighten sometimes even at the thought of sex.
Were you SE.xually abused ,not always the cause but emotional trauma can be a factor and your body builds this defense mechanism that you are not even aware of or in control of.
It can be overcome with counseling,some relaxation and exercise
I will advise you to see a gynecologist in a teaching hospital if you are in Naija
They may be able to help
You require a patient partner
I wish you the best but meanwhile you can pleasure him in other ways and he can do so to you as you work through this

Mary_John247: I have been a follower of the family section for a couple of years. I have a serious issue that is threatening my marriage, I have no one to talk to as I am abit conscious about discussing my marriage with others even family. I am hoping to get some advice or ideas from here.

I have been married for a year now, my husband and I dated for a while before tying the knot. We never had sex before marriage, though we did alot of other things, I was just never ready to take it to the next level. After the wedding, trying to have sex was very difficult. I was very tight and it was extremely painful (unfortunately, pain is one thing I have never been able to tolerate). What did we not try, getting drunk, taking drugs. Long story short we finally had sex about 5months into the marriage. I have to say that my husband was very understanding and I will forever love him for this.

The problem now is that sex is extremely uncomfortable for me. It is always a battle for him to penetrate, because for me the pain always feels like the first time. Just imagine that everytime we want to get down there is always a struggle before he finally enters. My husband is tired and has told me that i need to find a way of solving this issue. Infact he said I should not speak to him until I am ready to open my legs and stay put for him to penetrate. He says he is loosing all the desire he has for me at the moment. I dont know what to do, I am so distraught. I feel like a failure as a wife, I mean who has ever heard of a new wife running from sex because of the fear of pain.
I dont know if its psychological or if there is something wrong with me down there physically. All I know is that I need help, because I cannot imagine loosing my best friend and soul mate. Pls is there anyone who has gone through this, can anyone help with suggestions on how I can learn to open up, relax and deal with the discomfort. Because I believe that if I can do this, then I can be able to let go and then it will be pleasurable for him and myself as well.

Its vaginismus. treat it now. contact a therapist or get a panty liner from any longrich distributor. it would help

Obasi

Though I hate to comment on the sexuality/politics section, I am compelled to drop a few lines here.

OP, I can assure you that you are not alone on this road and it is good you are not denying the fact or heaping the blame on your husby. This conditional is clinically referred to as Dyspareunia (painful intercourse) and it is a condition experienced by roughly 20% of women. Causes can include: Vaginismus (Spasm in the vaginal muscles), Anatomy of the cervix (causing the P to reach cervix region quickly ), Vaginall opening disorder, Injury to the vulvaa or vaginaa, Pelvic inflammation (causing pain doing intercourse). It would even be intact hymen or remnants of the hymen that are stretched during intercourse.

Apart from the physiological reason, Dyspareunia could have physiological roots as a result of developmental factors such as troubled parent-child relationships, negative family attitudes toward sex, traumatic childhood or adolescent sexual experiences, and gender identity conflicts may all predispose one toward developing a sexual dysfunction. Hostility toward a partner, preference for another partner, distrust, poor communication and lack of attraction to a partner can all emerge as pain during intercourse.

Aside the obvious effect of this experience which is pain before, during or after intercourse, the more important concern is the guilt, depression and poor self-esteem, lack of marital fulfillment and strain in martial relationship.

Without excusing your husband's unsaintly attitude, you have to understand that every married man is bound to be frustrated if he is not getting his portion of 1. Respect and 2. SX, so I would implore you to understand where he is coming from. The first few years in marriage is when you lay your marital foundation and it has to be painstakingly built so that the union can emerge a Castle and not just a Chalet.

In offering my advise, I would assume you have attempted using lubricating oils as this is the place to start else, go see a doctor whose specialist is in Sexuall medicine. Treatment can be addresses from the the promotional dimension (increases awareness and helps individuals have a healthy and fulfilling sex life), curative dimension (clinical treatment of specific sexual disorders) or/and rehabilitative dimension (helps patients regain sexual health). Modern day medicine has catered from some pain you do not have to be belabored with.

Best of luck to you and your husby, tell him he is a great man!

Vaginismus is an involuntary contraction, or reflex muscle tightening, of the pelvic floor muscles that generally occurs when an attempt is made to insert an object (tampon, penis, speculum used for a Pap test) into the vagina. This muscle tightening causes pain, which can range from mild discomfort to severe burning and aching. Vaginismus may be primary (i.e. lifelong), or secondary (occurring after a period of normal sexual function). It may also be global (occurs in all situations and with any object) or situational (may only occur in certain situations, such as with one partner but not others, or with sexual intercourse but not with tampons or pelvic exams or vice versa).

Women with vaginismus often think that they’re “too small” and that their vagina needs to be stretched. Just imagining this is painful! The truth is that women with vaginismus don’t need to “stretch” anything; they need to learn to control the muscles around the vagina. This can be done with exercises


@ Poster read the rest here. The solutions are within, if I copy and paste it, it would be too long. I wish you well.
http://sogc.org/publications/when-sex-hurts-vaginismus/

I know it sounds immoral but sex with your spouse to be is definately needed just so you know your partner's sexuality appetite and other problem because marriage is a life time investment with child bearing as profit to the blissful matrimony,some people are just so religious to know the technical truth even Jesus had to tell Abraham to lie to a king that sarah was his sister and The Same God still told Samuel to tell saul that he was just passing by to go to the mountain for prayers when truthfully he was going to the house of jesse to anoint david as king,so would you say God has made these people lied or that's simply WISDOM

Have you taken the first step, seeing a Gynaecologist?

Try that first.

oluafolabi: Have you taken the first step, seeing a Gynaecologist?

Try that first.

the only reasonable comment here. Op see a doctor first. Forget all these nl 'doctors'.

@Oluafolabi, Funny enough, I went to see one in Lagos. Its in one of this famous private hospitals and the guy told me to try and relax. That it all in my head, and If I continue this way I will loose my husband. I never went back. The experience put off seeing anyone in Nigeria. But if you have any recommendation I will gladly consider it. I plan on going to the UK to see one but also not certain if thats the best solution as well.
@Bumdish, yes we use lubricant sometimes and it helps alot.
@All, I also think it might be Vaginismus but I dont want to conclude until I see a specialist.
Its not like I dont get the urge for sex. I get easily aroused and I know how to pleasure him in all areas, but as a wife I am not delivering and thats a fact. I have a great husband and I don't blame him one bit. I know how important sex is to the marriage. He supported me through out but also believes its in my head. I think he is trying to be stern to see if it can produce a different result.

See a doctor Who Is a specialist in that area

A female friend of mine had d same problem when she got married,she got married as a virgin too n pased tru same tin u ar pasing tru now bt she eventually got pregnant n after delivery d whole pain went away.
She now enjoy her marriage n sex life.

aaronson: I know it sounds immoral but sex with your spouse to be is definately needed just so you know your partner's sexuality appetite and other problem because marriage is a life time investment with child bearing as profit to the blissful matrimony,some people are just so religious to know the technical truth even Jesus had to tell Abraham to lie to a king that sarah was his sister and The Same God still told Samuel to tell saul that he was just passing by to go to the mountain for prayers when truthfully he was going to the house of jesse to anoint david as king,so would you say God has made these people lied or that's simply WISDOM

This is one of the reasons why Christianity and churches have become something else in the country today. Maybe I should ask you the question Philip asked the Ethiopian Eunuch "Understandest thou what thou readest?.."

Why not proffer a probable solution than dribbling backwards?

@Op,

You have seen a medical specialist who told you your problem is psychological. Have you ever experienced a painful sexual encounter in the past that created this fear?

Meanwhile, I will say that you both devote more time on pre-intimacy so that you can be naturally lubricated well before penetration. You may need to work on your fear of pain. Once, its in, it doesn't pain that much.

Do not let anybody tell you that the problem is because you never did it prior to tying the knot. Sexual intercourse in marriage involves patience, understanding, willingness, education and communication. It doesn't matter whether a man has experience or not, what matters is his willingness to learn, explore and understand the right buttons to press in his wife.

I actually laughed while reading your story cos I've been in a similar situation. I actually tried the getting drunk method too, wrong move, I was just throwing up and was very aggressive when he tried touching me. Firstly, I don't think anything is wrong with you. You just have to get past the fear of pain, relax and you'll be fine. Lubrication is also very important and have sex often. Plenty of pre-intimacy too( to the point where u'll be the one begging him to penetrate). I've been married for a few years now and sex is now enjoyable. My husband tease me sometimes with how I was so fearful and we just laugh about it.

It is the fear , guilt and sometimes you feel disgusted about the whole sex thing, it makes you to tense up tightening your vj muscles and all what not. Aside from any other likely cause of dysparenua : psyche going haywire is the most common cause of pain during sex. Some of my friends with strict upbringing have this problem; fear of being caught doing it or people knowing you are doing it or you don't feel comfortable with somebody going down there. Lighten up, after all it is your hubby and don't go about anticipating pain for fuccck sake it makes the slight pain you may feel on penetration worse. Have confident in yourself that you're not lousy, dirty or whatever and that you're performing your basic physiological needs according to Abraham Manslow,the great psychologist.

@ OP, you appear to have a great union and this is merely a challenge to be overcome. You are in the best setting and with the right person to do just that.

One day you will look back on this trying time and laugh and in future you may well be able to share your experience to help others. I have nothing to add to the "good" advice that has been advanced by some contributors here. But please permit me to wish you a long, joyous and fruitful union.

May the grace of The Lord abound abundantly towards you.


Now to this;

aaronson: I know it sounds immoral but sex with your spouse to be is definately needed just so you know your partner's sexuality appetite and other problem because marriage is a life time investment with child bearing as profit to the blissful matrimony,some people are just so religious to know the technical truth even Jesus had to tell Abraham to lie to a king that sarah was his sister and The Same God still told Samuel to tell saul that he was just passing by to go to the mountain for prayers when truthfully he was going to the house of jesse to anoint david as king,so would you say God has made these people lied or that's simply WISDOM

Firstly, it doesn't sound immoral, it is immoral. It's also ungodly and your warped theology is at best pityfull, not too mention blasphemous.

Secondly, I always ask testers these two questions;

1. How does one acquire the expertise to test?
2. What does one test for exactly? If it is simply "compatibility" - as opposed to very specific detail - and if so, to what degree?

Thirdly - and I hope OP willl not take offence - lets look at the "type" of case in question;

If HTB had insisted on testing, then encounteed the challenge, with no commitment, why would he not simply be minded to move on? If he stays, then the situation remains unchanged - a challenge to work through. Thereby making SBM a moot point

Instead, he got to know her as a person, her character, desires, aspirations etc., and came to care and commit to that person. Giving them the perfect foundation to face the challenge - Marriage!

Say he had "moved on" after SBM, thus learning to walk away from challenges, as opposed to rising to meet them and quantify outcomes based on his own satisfaction - the exact wrong mindset for one seeking to be married.

He would also be liable to place an over-emphasis on "sexual compatibility" in his eventual choice, overlooking more vital considerations, which could present serious challenges. But as he is used to not rising and inclined to satisfying himself, failure is more likely. More likely even if there are no other issues, but "sexual compatibility" changes for the worse at some future point.

And the lady in such a situation? Repeat cycles of testing and rejection. What feelings would follow that? What attitude? Man-hater? edgy and wary at the very least? There's a whole school of them with us here on NL.

OP, apologies for belabouring the point and referencing your challenge, but I am so applauding you and hubby right now. Believe, you will triumph over this by His grace.

Let the purveyors of wantoness and preachers of permissiveness continue. Be that to cover up their own promiscuous pasts or justify their self-seeking choices. Those who will hear will hear.


TV

@OP
Its likely to be vaginismus, unfortunately i'm not sure of if there are specialist for this in Naija. It happens to a small percentage of women and its very treatable.
In absence of finding a specialist look at the info others have put up and some of the links they include treatment options(which may include using a instruments )

You need to do the work on yourself and its long overdue.

@TV,wat is HTB and SBM pls

Ihedinobi I hope he is seeing this thread

Learning mode activated!

bluuu: @TV,wat is HTB and SBM pls

HTB = hubby to be
SBM = sex before marriage

Nairalandspeak

All this sex palava self!!!

[size=24pt]Me I cant really have sex problem with my wife... am too old for dat don't allow sex destroy your marriage if you are sexually demanding too much buy a sex tøy and still maintain your marriage[/size]

madam do u get wet enough for penetration before he tries to enter, have u tried using some water based lubricants without success, then u need to see a consultant gynaecologist as soon as possible to get ur va. gina checked up, u may just have a medical issue in your hands. seek medical help immediately and tell ur hubby too so u two can go together, he needs to kw u r seeking solution to the problem. All the best

Lobatan!!!

Try to use vaseline, ask phyno in man of the year lyrics.

Go to Enugu River Jordan.

hmmm. disadvantage of testing goods before you pay.

come leme help you!! Am good wit sex , call me 08173739250