You should not ignore the situation. Agreed, the girl had not known you for 9yrs but from your comments, she have been inquisitive. Put yourself in her shoes, it will affect anyone emotionally and physiologically. Despite what her mother have told her, she have many unanswered questions, questions like 'why did you foresake her', 'why is she not lived', etc. Her mother must have told her the truth of her not been able to locate you, but she need to hear it from you.

You need to do a DNA test, I will advice you talk to your wife before the test and let her know that, there is a 50/50 chance. Since the lady is married, your wife will be more at easy. It is preferable your wife is involved in the process from the onset. If you do the DNA before informing her and it is confirmed, she will not be happy with for doing it behind her.

As someone else have indicated, let the mother take custody, but you and the baby shld have access to each other.

thorpido: You have to confirm she is indeed your child.You said she looks like you but you will have to get the word from the mum and if need be,do a DNA test.
If it's confirmed,you will have to let your wife and family know about it.It was not like you cheated on your wife.It already happened before you met her.The child is here and you will have to take responsibility.

Good talk.

@OP, D did is done so u cant do otherwise.
If u'v realy comfermd her as ur daughter den acept her as first child beside u knew her mum(ur x) b4 d curent & u never knew until lately. Ur wife shuld undstnd dat she is just a girl who will get married 2morow & leave his dad house without tinking of partaking in her dad's propty.
D wife shud reason it d oda way round like if her mother had died & her hubby remarried 2 her? So 2 my own opinion, d man shud talk 2 d wife dat d girl in question is her first child & must b treated as one. So gudlok.

Khalessi: Let them be...she didn't need you when she was nine months pregnant what makes you think she needs you now that the child is nine?

Listen, op stated that as at the time the relationship took place, that phone was not all that rampant and that they lost contact hence this issue at hand now.

Op, I suggest or advise that you first meet with the lady in question,see the baby as you said she looks like you, discuss with her on what to do to see to the girls upbringing. Take her pictures and have that with you. This same girl can never be with you in couple of yrs ahead and could end up becoming the wife of a president or any well know figure in the society. Get her and give her the best.

The next step is to meet with your parents to table this unfolding events. If you truly know your wife and her attitude, open up to her and if possible, let your parents be around. Also, if you have a very understanding man of God and his wife that you people are very close to, first also meet them and open up to them since you are not marring the mother to the baby, let them know of this development and be around to help counsel your wife, if she starts any problem. After this, your parents with your wife can now open up to her parents.

Be a man as nobody knows what that girl will become tomorrow. A child is a blessing. People telling you to forget her is not doing good to you as any negetive thing that happens to that girl, God will ask you a question and you will be held responsible. If you abandon her, you might end up start having crises in your family since it has been made know to you. With God, all things are possible and I pray that God takes control of your wife to understand the situation and accept the lady. You can allow her be with her biological mother and also let your wife allow her have access to you. She could be the child that could turn to bring a blessing to your home.
John Fashanu, was abandoned by his parents in London but later became stars known all over the world.

Since there is no demand for you to integrate the girl into your life now, I don't think your wife will fly off the handle but she certainly will be upset.

Skin.

To all the young dudes out here, BUY A FREAKIN CONDOM.
Keep one in your wallet, car.. wherever. Just don't get caught slippin.
Or else you''l be telling the same story.

If it were to be in a nollywood movie, u wouldnt be able to procreate wt ur new wife wch will prompt u to claim ur extra-marital child nd d tussle will be where d drama will dwell.

Since, yourself know that, it is more likely that she could be your daughter; I don't advice that you see the other lady or do DNA test before informing your wife. If you are more certain that the test will be negative, then you can do it behind your wife.

But, since it is more likely; get talk to your eary, let her know what you want to do and get her buyin, I donot think she is going to say no and letting her know ahead of time will give her the confidence that you are not neglecting her and post-DNA actions and deliberations will be far easier, if she has been part of the process.

If I bring she a story before my wife, the first question that will come out of her mouth will be 'How long have you known this?' and I believe, this will be a legitimate question from most married women, because they want to know how long you have been keeping this. 'Secret' from them....the longer the time interval, the more disappointed and distrusting they will be...and going ahead with a DNA with the other lady without informing them will further compound things.

bigfree: @op. You do nothing!!!
take care of your family and let her take care of hers.
Even if the child is yours; after nine years you wanna play father or what? The child has a father and he is not you.

You are wrong dear. Your blood is your blood. Dnt shy away from your responsibility. No sane person will voluntary leave his/her blood else where.

Most importantly, How do make a 9yr old girl switch daddies? How do you explain that she has been with the wrong dad these past yrs....

My advice to you is ...............


I don't even knw if I have any......

I think you should have used protection 9yrs ago....

Its complicated

Everybody have a got a past, including your wife. So I see nothing wrong in you having a daughter before meeting your wife, or would it have been better if that innocent girl was aborted? If your wife will not take it lightly then, she should jam the trailer. Play your fatherly role to your daughter that's my word to you. Good luck.

Good news !!!! You need to have someone mediate on your behalf, and lay your cards on the table. Not unless you do not want to play any role, albeit belated in your daughters life.
DNA test to start with, and build the remaining blocks accordingly!!!!

Na gbege bi ds one oo. Just think well bf U act

smilelane:

I am now in contact with her. She said she had searched for my location to no avail. And her daughter is increasingly sensitive about the whereabout of her dad. She did me a disfavour. Now, am going to look like a trickster.

You need to first find out if you are the father. If you are....blood is thicker than water... forget about who would say what...the child needs to know her biological father..."she is increasingly sensitive". Step forward as a man.....and let the chips fall where they may. Knowing who is her father would mean more to her than material things you can provide her in two life times. Sooner the better.

This is the reason why people end up marrying blood brothers and sisters and not even know it. You cant imagine how many men have kids scattered all over and not have a clue about it.

What do I know? We all came from Adam and Eve.. People should be careful of where they drop their seeds. The day of reckoning will definitely come.

@OP after all is said and done I trust u'll have the presence of mind to relate/tell us how it went! I trust most of the comments above have been helpful in making up ur mind, yes? Pls pray as well about it, Let God Guide ur decisions, so many lives will be affected positively or negatively, so choose ur words carefully and let ur actions or inactions be the one u can live with in years to come! Goodluck

spicyuzo: Most importantly, How do make a 9yr old girl switch daddies? How do you explain that she has been with the wrong dad these past yrs....

My advice to you is ...............


I don't even knw if I have any......

I think you should have used protection 9yrs ago....

Its complicated

Its not so complicated on the baby's part. Her mother only got married 2yrs ago. She is fully aware that her mum's husband is a good man but not her real dad. She had lived with her mum in her grand-dad's house before now.

mikael78: All I can say is












Eyaaaaaaaa!!!

Not in this case.

smilelane:

Its not so complicated on the baby's part. Her mother only got married 2yrs ago. She is fully aware that her mum's husband is a good man but not her real dad. She had lived with her mum in her grand-dad's house before now.

The baby's mum (your ex) hadn't been living with her husband?

Tinyemeka:
The baby's mum (your ex) hadn't been living with her husband?

They live together but only for 2yrs now since they got married. 7yrs of the baby's lives were with her grandparents.

So the baby is fully aware of the situation and her mummy's effort to search me out. U do understand kids are sharper these days

@ Smileane, I believe your main challenge now lies in having your wife know about the baby and accepting her into the family (if you've confirmed that you are the father. Though I believe it to be true.)

I don't know how really well you relate to ur madam. Different women would react on varying scales.

She knows that she wasn't the first person you had a relationship with before settling down. Tell her everything as you've related now. You did not not reject the pregnancy 9 yrs ago. The woman just disappeared then and has just now appeared with a baby (na wa o. E go hard o )
What has happened, has happened. Then ask your madam to say her own. Don't outrightly tell her that you want to take the baby back into your family. Know what ur madam has in mind first. Fortunately for you, it's not like the baby is a boy that one might say would compete with ur wife's children for who would be first born. She's just becoming a part of your family.

I think I will tell my wife and hope for the best and prepare for her troubles. I hv two weeks to get my mind prepared as she will soon be on a trip to Dubai. Can't tell her before. Thanks everyone

smilelane:

They live together but only for 2yrs now since they got married. 7yrs of the baby's lives were with her grandparents.

So the baby is fully aware of the situation and her mummy's effort to search me out. U do understand kids are sharper these days

60% of the issue has been solved na. The remaining problem now is how to convince your wife. And your other children too. . That one won't be too much of a problem. They are still small abi?

Worst case scenario ? Murder the daughter and move on!


Sniper for higher (0815642++++++)

smilelane: I once had a relationship with a lady while in university. Before I could come back from one sessional holiday, She has welshed on me. Unfortunately, communication gadgets weren't a commonplace at the time. However, I got in touch with her close friend who said she has decided to drop-out of school and move to settle with family in another region of Nigeria away from mine.

I couldn't get any immediate information from her said friend on why my girlfriend will take such decision without letting me in. I had no choice than to move on.

****************************************************************************************

fast-forward to 8+ later: I happened upon her friend and we shared warm pleasantry and memories. Before she bade me well, she left a sour pill in my mouth. She innocently/cunningly threw in that I have a daughter from her friend(my ex). I asked to stop it once if that was meant to be a joke. She said she was saying the truth but won't discuss it any further if I wasn't keen about it. By this time, I was both furious and disinterested and eventually called her bluff.

A year later after that meeting, her word kept ringing on my heart and I somewhat was able to get her number to call her about what she told me. To my greatest surprise, she confirmed it and has connected me with her friend who is now married. I have seen the baby girl on facebook. She looks exactly like me! But I am also married now.

So, how do I start telling my family and my wife especially? My wife doesn't look like anyone that will take the news calmly.

Ask he to read this nairaland topic and ask her for her best opinion of the matter. From there you will be able to no if you are in soup or done already....

what!!??... You want to claim a girl that already ve a father?
Guy! they ve gone thru thick and thin together and the fact dat the lady didnt let u knw was bcoz she doesnt want you.
leave them alone and face your family.

Confirm if the child is indeed yours. If she is, tell your wife. Nothing hurt a woman than not telling her the truth as soon as you knew.
Before you tell her, inform your family and possibly hers too for their support. That way she wouldn't be incline to take any rash decision.
You may think you can hide it from her today but what about tomorrow? Nothing stays buried forever.

Yes, do tell her. From personal experience

Enypie: what!!??... You want to claim a girl that already ve a father?
Guy! they ve gone thru thick and thin together and the fact dat the lady didnt let u knw was bcoz she doesnt want you.
leave them alone and face your family.

You really didn't need to comment

You should have just waka pass

No be by force na

jreyez: Worst case scenario ? Murder the daughter and move on!


Sniper for higher (0815642++++++)

Are you related to the lady I quoted above

Birds of the same feather flock well together

No be by force to comment! Olodo.

smilelane: I once had a relationship with a lady while in university. Before I could come back from one sessional holiday, She has welshed on me. Unfortunately, communication gadgets weren't a commonplace at the time. However, I got in touch with her close friend who said she has decided to drop-out of school and move to settle with family in another region of Nigeria away from mine.

I couldn't get any immediate information from her said friend on why my girlfriend will take such decision without letting me in. I had no choice than to move on.

****************************************************************************************

fast-forward to 8+ later: I happened upon her friend and we shared warm pleasantry and memories. Before she bade me well, she left a sour pill in my mouth. She innocently/cunningly threw in that I have a daughter from her friend(my ex). I asked to stop it once if that was meant to be a joke. She said she was saying the truth but won't discuss it any further if I wasn't keen about it. By this time, I was both furious and disinterested and eventually called her bluff.

A year later after that meeting, her word kept ringing on my heart and I somewhat was able to get her number to call her about what she told me. To my greatest surprise, she confirmed it and has connected me with her friend who is now married. I have seen the baby girl on facebook. She looks exactly like me! But I am also married now.

So, how do I start telling my family and my wife especially? My wife doesn't look like anyone that will take the news calmly.

You mean a bastard....one of the consequences of sex b4 marriage (fornication)... imagine a child growing up without a father...I fell sorry for the innocent child..both of you were irresponsible..

SOME PERSONS WHO DO NOT KNW HOW TO ADVICE PEOPLE ON REAL LIVE SENERIO SHOULD LOOK AT SOME OF THIS COMMENTS BY MATURED NIGERIA AND DO THEMSELVES GOOD BY LEARNING NOT JUST COMMENTING BECAUSE NO BODY KNOWS UR FACE.
MY BROTHER MAN, YOUR PROBLEM IS SOLVED.
1= THE CHILD IN QUESTION IS A GIRL AND NOT A BOY SO YOUR WIFE WILL NOT BE THREATENED BY INHERITANCE.
2= SHE IS 9 YEARS OLD, SHE CAN TAKE CARE OF THE YOUNG ONES AND HELP OUT IN THE HOUSE, ALL WHAT HE NEEDS IS INTEGRATION WITH YOUR CHILDREN AND IT WOULDNT TAKE HER LONG TO INTEGRATE BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN LONGING FOR IT.
3= TAKE TIME AND EXPLAIN TO YOUR WIFE ABOUT HER AND OBSERVE HER COUNTENANCE TOWARD THE ISSUE.
4= LEAVE THIS PATERNITY ISSUE AND SAVE YOUR MONEY OR BETTER STILL GIVE IT TO YOUR GIRL, THE GIRL IS YOUR CHILD. PATERNITY COMES WHEN THERE IS A DOUBT AND IF THE CHILD RESEMBLES YOU THEN DNA IS TOTALLY UNNECESSARY.
5= I KNOW A MAN WHO IS IN HIS LATE 40S HAS A GIRL WHEN IN THE UNIVERSITY AND NOW THE GIRL IS IN THE UNIVERSITY, HE IS ALWAYS HAPPY WHENEVER HE SEE THE GIRL AND THE WIFE HAS NO PROBLEM, ALTHOUGH SHE IS NOT STAYING WITH HIM AS AT THE LAST TIME I SAW HIM(2009).
6= YOU THE MAN, YOU DECIDE OR NA SHE THEY DECIDE.............................................

I THEY ENVY YOU, E B LIKE SAY MAKE I BE YOU. IF YOU F...CK-UP, I GO GIVE YOU SNAKE IN DA MONKEY SHADOW

thorpido: You have to confirm she is indeed your child.You said she looks like you but you will have to get the word from the mum and if need be,do a DNA test.
If it's confirmed,you will have to let your wife and family know about it.It was not like you cheated on your wife.It already happened before you met her.The child is here and you will have to take responsibility.

Great talk. I should however advice to let your wife in from the onset as you go about confirming paternity.