JOKE 1:-
A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays.

During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all these years, she would give them one wish each.

Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for herself and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world.

The fairy waved her wand and boom! ,  The wife had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn and the fairy assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire.

He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and kazoom! ,  The husband turned 90!

Joke 2

Why females should avoid a girl night out after they are married.
If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense
of humour.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls.
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. I promise
well the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3am a bit loaded I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door the cuckoo clock in the hall way started up
and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake
up. I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order
to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed 3 cuckoo plus 9 cuckoo totals =12 cuckoos Midnight)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in.
I told him "Midnight" he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew I got away with that one! Then he said "we need a new cuckoo clock
When I asked him why he said well last night out clock cuckooed 3 times then said
Oh shit "Cuckoo 4 more times, cleared its throat cuckooed another 3 times
giggled cuckooed twice more and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Joke 3

It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow,

Joke 4

Sleeping in Church
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One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea", said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In the church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed."Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!"

Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice.

As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that dammned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the congregation.

Joke 5

Complaint

Penis Request:
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.



Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.
You do not take initiative; you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the
assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely


The Management

Joke 6

What a Woman Says, and a Man Hears,
________________________________________
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess!
C'mon, you and I need to clean,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
"blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW"

Joke 7

African Client
________________________________________
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, don't
reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."

The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch privates."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

Joke 8

Wife has the last say,

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark.

A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm going to fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

Joke 9

What's it's Name?

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your privates?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your privates. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies."

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your privates?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your privates?"

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his privates. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my privates is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"

The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

Joke 10

A Blonde Buys A Love Machine

One day this guy comes to work at a Love Machine shop. His boss leaves for the day and puts him in charge of the shop.

About an hour later a black haired lady comes in and asks "How much for your black dildos?"

The guy says "30 bucks"

"And how much for your white dildos?" asks the lady.

Again the man says "30 bucks for the black and 30 bucks for the white"

So she takes the black one and leaves.

A while later a brunette comes in to the store and asks "How much for your white dildos?"

The man responds "30 bucks"

She asks "And how much for your black dildos?"

"30 bucks for the white and 30 bucks for the black" replies the man.

So she takes the white one leaves.

About an hour later a blonde walks through the door and asks "How much are your dildos?"

The guys says "All our dildos are 30 bucks"

Then she looks up behind the man on a shelf and ask "How much for that plaid one?"

The man responds "Oh, that one is special. That will cost you $250"

The blonde agrees and takes it.

Later that day the boss come back and asks "So what did you sell today?"

The man says "I sold a black Love Machine, a white Love Machine , and your thermous flask for $250!"

OUCH!

Joke 11

Could I See Just One?

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

"Hi, is Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Joke 12

Don't Fart in Bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

Joke 13

Four Catholic moms bragging about their sons:-

1st Mom :- My sons a priest, walk into the room and everyone calls him Father. . . .

2nd Mom :- Mines a Bishop, walks into the room and everyone calls him 'Your Grace'

3rd Mom :- Well, my son's a Cardinal, walks into the room, everyone says 'Your Eminence"


4th Mom was silent then replied, My son's tall, gorgeous, well hung and is a male striper,
when he walks in, people says 'MY GOD'. . . . .

Joke 14

: A True Story from an American airport


Customs Official : 'May I know your name?'
Arriving passenger : 'Batman'
Customs Official : 'What's your name!?'
Passenger : 'My name is Bat-man'
Customs Official : 'Trying to be funny!? What's your surname?'
Passenger : 'Super-man'
Customs Official : 'So you're telling me your name is Batman Superman?'
Passenger : 'Yes'
Customs Official : 'Arrest the guy,  '

When they had him in custody, he was asked to show identification:

Joke 15

They are two answers to this story. Enjoy!

Why Men can Pee Standing Up

God was just about done creating humans but he had two parts left over.
He couldn’t decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so he thought he might just as well ask them.

He told them that one of the things He had left was the thing that will allow the owner to pee while standing up.

“It’s a very handy thing”, God told them. And I was wondering whether either one of you had a preference for it.

Well, Adam jump up and down and begged. “Ok, please give that to me! I love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleaseeee! Give it to me”. On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that will allow him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited that he start whizzing all over the place - first at the side on the rock, than he wrote his name on the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a Frog ten feet away – laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve. “Well, I guess you’re kind of stuck with the last thing I have left.”

“What’s it called?” asked Eve.

“Brains”, said God.

2nd Story

Why Men can Pee Standing Up

God was just about done creating humans but he had two parts left over.
He couldn’t decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so he thought he might just as well ask them.

He told them that one of the things He had left was the thing that will allow the owner to pee while standing up.

“It’s a very handy thing”, God told them. And I was wondering whether either one of you had a preference for it.

Well, Adam jump up and down and begged. “Ok, please give that to me! I love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleaseeee! Give it to me”. On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that will allow him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited that he start whizzing all over the place - first at the side on the rock, than he wrote his name on the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a Frog ten feet away – laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve. “Well, I guess you’re kind of stuck with the last thing I have left.”

“What’s it called?” asked Eve.

“Multiple Orgasms”, said

Joke 16

Why did God create men first?

Because we learn from mistakes.
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Except as otherwise provided in this title and notwithstanding the provisions of section 1o6, it is not an infringement of copyright for a library or archives, for any of nairaland members acting within the scope of new topic to reproduce, modified, altered, or add to her jokes on Nairaland  


Copyright (c) Gabrywyl 2008

Joke 17

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM, Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

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Abeg ohhh. . . No man should kill me for this

infobaba:

Except as otherwise provided in this title and notwithstanding the provisions of section 1o6, it is not an infringement of copyright for a library or archives, for any of nairaland members acting within the scope of new topic to reproduce, modified, altered, or add to her jokes on Nairaland


Copyright (c) Gabrywyl 2008

HAHAHA! You are indeed hilarious!

Yeap!

WTH

She's one fine kokolet sha.

Jeovy & Princessa's Wedding Cake

@gabrywl
u no fear u put me 4 cake abi

u own don finish

Merry Christmas Guys!

@gabrywl
u too much
u most ve tasted all if not u wont know the sizes and shapes.i hail oh

gab

nice kokes . but why u put me for the bottom of the cake na. i think say u be my person sef, komot there jare

hhehehehe

hope say u no laff me join sha

honestly i didnt even know y i lafffef

well keep laffing i love seeing ur smile

chioya:

@gabrywl
u no fear u put me 4 cake abi

u own don finish

You should be proud to be ast as one of the brides ohhh. , . .

chioya:

@gabrywl
u too much
u most ve tasted all if not u wont know the sizes and shapes.i hail oh

No, I am not that naughty ohhh. . . Its just that Ituen went to measure all of their koko's and gave me the list last week. Thats how I know.

tufe:

gab

nice kokes . but why u put me for the bottom of the cake na. i think say u be my person sef, komot there jare

The story goes like this. Jeovy had faced a short term memory lost but CONTINUOUSLY and because of his problem, he had forggoten that apart from having an affar with Princessa, he was also having an affair with Cayon, Chioya, Ibkaye and Shaz and so he accidently told all of them to get married to him on the same day. When you (being the Loveee Cupid saw this) you were going to save the day for Jeovy and Princessa but while you were flying, you could not fly to the top of the cake because you were slightly too overweight from eating too much Mc Donalds. By the time you knew it, you were shot with an arrow by chamotex because he thinks that you were the one whom have caused him to broke up with his 13 year old girlfriend. And thats how you landed up at the bottom of the cake, not concious. I feel for you ohhh. . . You should have done a betta job next time.

tufe:

well keep laffing i love seeing your smile

tufe,

Chei! You make her smile more. . . . After her teeth would fall to the ground ohhh. . .

chioya:

honestly i didnt even know y i lafffef

I know why you are so excited today. Its because you fantasize to have one of those unidies. Dont worry. I'll grand your wish sis.