Hi Nairalanders!

please help me out. here's d situation.

there's this lady av been dating 4 about 16 months now. i mean it was a really strong relationship. at a point i started considering marriage. but the problem is her attitude. she's so stubborn and unwilling to change or learn. all she cares about is herself not minding how others feel. she's so domineering. she doesn't have a good relationship with her family because of her attitude. u may say if i just realised it. no i realised about few months in2 d affair but i thought i'D be able to change her. she tries to seperate me from my siblings. my kid sister was once sick. i had 2c  her (my girlfriend) that afternoon so i quickly rushed to her place to inform her that we couldnt have d date any longer because i had 2c my sis. she was so mad n asked me if my sis can't take care of herself that do i need to leave the office just because of her?

i was so shocked.meanwhile this is a girl who begs me to steal sometime off work just to be with her. she's so stubborn, which made me doubt the issue of marriage. av tryd all i cud do 2 change her but 2 no avail. av talkd 2 her, asked her close friends 2 talk 2 her, tryd 2 find out if she has sum psychological problems, etc

however, despite her shortcomings she has some good areas but d bad areas outweigh the good. she's really been there for me, stood by me, loved me when no other woman would, we've shared dreams and hopes together, she's not materialistic, she's been faithful, etc

i'm not saying i'm a perfect guy. av got shortcomings too. i lack much patience, devote too much time 2 my career and my future which she complains a lot. i tell her i need to make some money so i cud pay her bride price (joke!!) but believe me i always create time for us 2be together esp on weekends but she always wants me to leave my job and hug her d whole day. is that posible? when i politely say no she accuses me of keeping other girls.

recently i discovered there's a guy she's been hanging out with. well we talked about it and so on,
but something happened which makes me write this mail. she got sick while i was out of town. funny enough her siblings paid no attention to her. i was broke at that time but managed to send some money for drugs and stuff. unfortunately she couldnt get them due to her ill health which made me come over immediately to do so.

i cancelled most engagements that'll bring me money just to be with her but sometimes i had to run off 4 a while. d sad story is she refused to take the drugs according to dosage and after a while fell sick again. i disovered she didnt take the drugs and politely asked why (i didnt have to be angry i mean she was sick u knw) she got mad, rained insults on me for asking her stupid questions according to her and asked me out. i was shocked. i'm actually a quiet type which makes her take me for granted sometimes. we've quarelled for over 100 times and in all, she'll just wait 4 me to apologise else nothing even when she was wrong. we once stayed apart 4 over 2 months. i just wanted 2c if she'll apologise. she gets mad when u point her faults to her.

d issue is: will she ever change? do people actually change? weve been together for over 16 months. don't u think if she was willing she would have changed by now? i'm seriously considering a break-up. i'm a young man n all that matters to me now is my future. seems she doesnt want to be part of it. although i love her but i need to be realistic. i mean how would my home be if i finally end up with her? the thought of it scares me.

i still feel sorry for her, considering the past but sometimes painful decisions must be made.
I NEED UR OPINION


NB: this may be d longest post uv read on Nairaland. if uv never been in love u may not undastand. i know how most of u insult people n so on but know that this is just a passionate expression of real feelings.

She is taking your quietness and over caring for granted that is the reason. To me, she knows why she is doing so as in that u will neva leave her so if it is not sumthing u can cope now, beta leave now than getting married. You cannot force sum1 to change esp. wen she doesnt get along with her family. Infact, shez not a wife material

One piece of advice - Prov 21:9 It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.

hun i feel for u,
i have never been in love and i still need tons of convincing on the fallacy (as i call it) of love
but what i know is this:
the girl is obviously taking u for granted coupled with her attitude if u feel u have been able to bear this for 16 months and she still acts this way to u,
sorry to say, but i dont see her changing anytime soon
am not a pessimist as most will think but a realist
and this isue calls for u being as clear-headed as possible
babes either has a new guy (which is very much far fetched considering her character) or she is just being who she is
either way, u have to decide if u really wanna be with her
if u do,
good luck in ur endeavours
if u dont, good luck also n ur future endeavours

Poster, you want a secret? Be with someone that wants the same thing, like you. Chikena! That's the secret. From your post, it sounds like you both want different things.

Will she change? Probably not. No amount of love will make her change. If after 16 months she is still like this, I tell you, waka. I believe there are a million and one girls in Nigeria, that wants to get married and wants the same things like you do. Go out there and find them.

All the best!

na wa o

You guys are TOO different for the relationship to work. She yells at you? What kind of woman is that? No one can change anyone but change comes from within. Move on and lose her. She aint worth the time and the energy!

Guy, u need to put ur foot down!

tell her u cant marry her if she continues like that.

else,

she aint ur wife, u too soft for her.

she is way too possessive, and that's not healthy at all.

just let it go.

it is better to have a broken relationship than to have a bitter marriage.

pls act now, i dont want to see another post from you, asking us for advise after u have married her, and she gets worse.

ubonboy:

Hi Nairalanders!

please help me out. here's d situation.

there's this lady av been dating 4 about 16 months now. i mean it was a really strong relationship. at a point i started considering marriage. but the problem is her attitude. she's so stubborn and unwilling to change or learn. all she cares about is herself not minding how others feel. she's so domineering. she doesn't have a good relationship with her family because of her attitude. u may say if i just realised it. no i realised about few months in2 d affair but i thought i'D be able to change her. she tries to seperate me from my siblings. my kid sister was once sick. i had 2c her (my girlfriend) that afternoon so i quickly rushed to her place to inform her that we couldnt have d date any longer because i had 2c my sis. she was so mad n asked me if my sis can't take care of herself that do i need to leave the office just because of her?

i was so shocked.meanwhile this is a girl who begs me to steal sometime off work just to be with her. she's so stubborn, which made me doubt the issue of marriage. av tryd all i cud do 2 change her but 2 no avail. av talkd 2 her, asked her close friends 2 talk 2 her, tryd 2 find out if she has sum psychological problems, etc

however, despite her shortcomings she has some good areas but d bad areas outweigh the good. she's really been there for me, stood by me, loved me when no other woman would, we've shared dreams and hopes together, she's not materialistic, she's been faithful, etc

i'm not saying i'm a perfect guy. av got shortcomings too. i lack much patience, devote too much time 2 my career and my future which she complains a lot. i tell her i need to make some money so i cud pay her bride price (joke!!) but believe me i always create time for us 2be together esp on weekends but she always wants me to leave my job and hug her d whole day. is that posible? when i politely say no she accuses me of keeping other girls.

recently i discovered there's a guy she's been hanging out with. well we talked about it and so on,
but something happened which makes me write this mail. she got sick while i was out of town. funny enough her siblings paid no attention to her. i was broke at that time but managed to send some money for drugs and stuff. unfortunately she couldnt get them due to her ill health which made me come over immediately to do so.

i cancelled most engagements that'll bring me money just to be with her but sometimes i had to run off 4 a while. d sad story is she refused to take the drugs according to dosage and after a while fell sick again. i disovered she didnt take the drugs and politely asked why (i didnt have to be angry i mean she was sick u knw) she got mad, rained insults on me for asking her stupid questions according to her and asked me out. i was shocked. i'm actually a quiet type which makes her take me for granted sometimes. we've quarelled for over 100 times and in all, she'll just wait 4 me to apologise else nothing even when she was wrong. we once stayed apart 4 over 2 months. i just wanted 2c if she'll apologise. she gets mad when u point her faults to her.

d issue is: will she ever change? do people actually change? weve been together for over 16 months. don't u think if she was willing she would have changed by now? i'm seriously considering a break-up. i'm a young man n all that matters to me now is my future. seems she doesnt want to be part of it. although i love her but i need to be realistic. i mean how would my home be if i finally end up with her? the thought of it scares me.

i still feel sorry for her, considering the past but sometimes painful decisions must be made.
I NEED UR OPINION


NB: this may be d longest post uv read on Nairaland. if uv never been in love u may not undastand. i know how most of u insult people n so on but know that this is just a passionate expression of real feelings.

Will she ever change?? It depends on her age. . . . .
However, things are not looking too good at all.
Sit her down, have a serious chat with her and let her know where ur relationship would head if she continues her spiteful kizzack.

@ poster
It takes more than love to make a relationship lead to marriage. if she doesnt change
before you marry her, she will never change again.
I will ask you to caution yourself if she is worth all that headache!

If you are waiting for her to change,my guy you are wasting your precious time.This girl is taking your quiteness for granted,you need someone that you can tolerate.She is not a wife material,do not make a grevious mistake of marrying this kind of lady.You said she is not in good term with her family how do you want her to be in good term with you or your family? It is high time you left this lady.

Take the walk man if you don't have that patience to tolerate her

But if you do have, hang on but make sure its not out of pity but your true feelings

As for waiting for her to change, what makes you think the behaviour won't come up when its difficult to separate with her?
Thats after marriage. , . .

Just take the walk. . . .

ubonboy,i feel your pain,i just want to remind you that never go into a relationship with the, note of chaging the person its a very wrong mis conception people have, and i have been there,when the bad side superceed the other then boyfriend take your leave,irrespective ot the love you have for her, even the scriptures says two cannot walk together unless they agree,i understnd your grief ,peace.

NO Long talk,

she's not house wife material,

she can't love you without loving your family join if she truely love u.,

i beg quit the relationship cos she will "NEVER" change.

@ post
i wont advise u to marry her if all d issues u ve listed here are still pending,
better still look for the thread on 'why marriages dont work; the change factor', anyone who sees it pls copy nd past it for him,

wen pple get married they change for the worse nd not for better, one thing u must understand dat when u guys get married, d worse in her is gonna come out, i.i her full rainbow, nd then the quest will be 'can u cope', nw u r already complaining nw,

dont mean to sound mean,, but never marry someone becos of pity or d person was there wen bla bla bla, never swallow SHAME with POISON,

u guys need to talk nd give her tyme,,if it is still d same nd u think u cannot coope berra opt out now, becos d signs r der for u to see nt wen u guys marry u run to nairaland nd say my wife has got an attitude pls help, nobody will listen to u

just a piece of advise, a word is enuf for d unwise kpa kpa

@Topup, EXCELLENT write up girl. I applaud you . I also admire the OP for being honest that he is NOT a saint himself. Most men I know wont even admit that to themselves, furthermore make it public. Cowards, LOL.

Ola8:

NO Long talk,

she's not house wife material,

she can't love you without loving your family join if she truely love u.,
i beg quit the relationship because she will "NEVER" change.

This is such a silly and nonsensical statement, it has caused me upset stomach. Why must she Loves his family? Did the Bible stipulate such? I am not saying she should be rude to them or disrespectful, afterall respect is earned. SHe can appreciate and respect them, but there is NO law stating she must love them. The truth is there are some in-laws from hell. And instead of jumping on the girl's back, NO I am NOT in anyway condoning her behaviour.

The OP also needs to make it clear as to why his girl is reacting the way she is. I have a feeling he is not being 100% thorough. NO sane woman would just wake up and begin acting up without any valid reason. What has he been doing to trigger her behaviour? Too often men are guilty of provoking ladies, and we retaliate we are abled witches, Like I care,

My advise to the OP is to deal with his problem with his girlfriend. Take her away for a weekend and have a heart to heart talk with her. Listen ( a men deficiency) to what is bothering her and try to make ammends to the situation. Maybe, as I said, it's something you are doing that is causing her to react in that manner. If ALL have failed, and make sure you are NOT guilty of any sins yourself, then the onus is on you to walk. AS humans we can only take so much. Good Luck,

i wonder most times how we guys can be so bold as too say "she is faithful to me".

all the signs u just listed are signs of unfaithfulness.

u bera think twice.

@ poster

d one thing I could get very clear from ur whole post, is that you LOVE her

why else would you be taking so much time to figure all this out?

pple dont understand: attitude problems can be fixed. it's all in d inside.

my advice: put your foot down, and tell her (and MEAN it) that if she doesn't change (i.e., be more respectful, caring and thoughtful to you and others) then you'll leave her.

when she realises she'll lose the only(probably) person in the world that loves her, she'll clean up her act.

this option really works. It did for me. I was such an ass (almost like her) and then my hubby to be threatened to leave. Needless to say, I changed my spots, hard as it was
to do. Now we're happy, because now I know better.

if you really do love her, make the last effort b4 u walk away. Therez no Ms Perfect, the next girl you date might be worse. You're used to this woman, MAKE her good for you.

or not. Itz really your choice, no matter what we all say. Wish u luck!!!

maedan:

@ poster
if you really do love her, make the last effort before u walk away. Therez no Ms Perfect, the next girl you date might be worse. [b]You're used to this woman, MAKE her good for you.[/b]or not. Itz really your choice, no matter what we all say. Wish u luck!!!

THANKS, thats what i was really bothered about.

@Davidlan

You are the man . . . . .Right on the money.

Hi Nairalnders!

i've really taken time to read all your posts. I REALLY APPRECIATE ALL YOUR CONCERN. its not been easy for me i must admit. its not so easy to walk out on a relationship u'v given ur all to build it.

CodeRED:

The OP also needs to make it clear as to why his girl is reacting the way she is. I have a feeling he is not being 100% thorough. NO sane woman would just wake up and begin acting up without any valid reason. What has he been doing to trigger her behaviour? Too often men are guilty of provoking ladies, and we retaliate we are abled witches, Like I care,

My advise to the OP is to deal with his problem with his girlfriend. Take her away for a weekend and have a heart to heart talk with her. Listen ( a men deficiency) to what is bothering her and try to make ammends to the situation. Maybe, as I said, it's something you are doing that is causing her to react in that manner. If ALL have failed, and make sure you are NOT guilty of any sins yourself, then the onus is on you to walk. AS humans we can only take so much. Good Luck,

Believe me there's nothing av not done so as to figure out what her problem really is. whenever i try talking to her she bluntly tells me she doesnt want to talk about it. she likes going for a walk so i make sure i take her for a walk, say some nice things to her, buy her ice cream(she likes it), i mean try 2 make the evening worth the while. then i mention the issue and just then, the bombshell drops. i'm saying this so that someone may not think i try to talk to her when she's in a bad mood. as per what i've done to trigger this behaviour, blieve me i cant really figure out. i examine myself often to make sure i'm not found wanting.

yeah i know love is not pity although i still feel for her ernestly. i'm making up my mind slowly. . .

maedan:

@ poster

my advice: put your foot down, and tell her (and MEAN it) that if she doesn't change (i.e., be more respectful, caring and thoughtful to you and others) then you'll leave her.

when she realises she'll lose the only(probably) person in the world that loves her, she'll clean up her act.

this option really works. It did for me. I was such an ass (almost like her) and then my hubby to be threatened to leave. Needless to say, I changed my spots, hard as it was
to do. Now we're happy, because now I know better.
if you really do love her, make the last effort before u walk away. Therez no Ms Perfect, the next girl you date might be worse. Itz really your choice, no matter what we all say. Wish u luck!!!

but you changed!!! why can't she

poster just thank God, you are yet to marry her to have noticed all these bad characters.

I think she can only adjust, she can not change, unless her hot blood is drain out of her body and another cool blood is transfer to her system.

But joke apart there is nothing PRAYERS can not do, if you really needs her.

WISH YOU GOOD LUCK.

ubonboy:



but you changed!!! why can't she

i made the effort to change not just to keep him, but because i realised that everything he said about me was true, and i had to do the change for my own good, or else whoever i dated next would have the same problem with me.

so you see, she has to know it's in her best interest to change, or she'll end up a lonely old hag.

make her see sense so that even if you end up with someone else, she'd be grateful to you for leaving her a better person than she was when you were with her. We women are so complex, no one can understand us.

we can't even understand ourselves!

I bet ur girls Zodiac sign is Aries. That is their exact character. You need to understand her deeply or else bro, no way.

d issue is: will she ever change? do people actually change? weve been together for over 16 months. don't u think if she was willing she would have changed by now? i'm seriously considering a break-up. i'm a young man n all that matters to me now is my future. seems she doesnt want to be part of it. although i love her but i need to be realistic. i mean how would my home be if i finally end up with her? the thought of it scares me.

i still feel sorry for her, considering the past but sometimes painful decisions must be made.
I NEED UR OPINION

I have read your long post and it's obvious that you've done everything within reason to try and change her. It will take a very very painful experience for her to change. Stubborn girls have the need to protect their interests. Still continue to try but if she doesn't change after a deep heartfelt talk with her, you need to let go. If you can't change someone and you're not entirely comfortable with them, you need to just disconnect yourself. No matter how hard it may be. I know it wont' be easy at all but you just have to try.
Even stubborn girls have to be submissive once in a while.

What? No "pray for her, she will change"?

@Topic she is manipulating you.

Dude, this post sounds too familiar. As a matter of fact, your girl sounds just like my ex. She exhibited most of the character traits my ex did, most of which
is taking you for granted. So, i'd suggest a solution, it's quite easy and straight forward though- "dump her quick".
Marriage doesn't change people so quit that thot. Trust me, after a while, maybe dating other no-good dudes, she'd appreciate you.
You know what they say, "you never know what you have till it's gone"
Best wishes in the dumping routine.

olugenius:

So, i'D suggest a solution, it's quite easy and straight forward though- "dump her quick".

thanks man!!
although i wouldnt call it dump cos it shows disrespect for the times weve been together. i'd rather say i'll call it quits amicably.
av finally made up my mind

met sum1 else. strong green light . . . .