Hello everyone, I would like to ask for some advice.  My boyfriend is Nigerian, from Lagos, but has been in the states since age 16 for college.  He is now 25, in last year of school for his second degree.  I'm a white woman and am older than him, but not so much that it makes any difference to either of us.  (i'm 30).  Our personalities and mentality levels are on par with each other and we are each other's best friend. I'm educated, with my own career, and support myself, own my house, and pay my own bills (point is that i am not with him for ulterior motives, as i can take care of myself)  We have been dating for over a year and now his parents have come to visit him today.  He is their firstborn of 4, so I know that is a big deal.  I know they seem to be very good people who care for their children a lot, and I know they want the best for him, and they have raised him to be a good and caring man.  I anticipated them having some concerns over us, but not this much.  When he picked them up this afternoon and brought them home, they saw our pictures together he has in his apartment, and of course his mom started asking questions, as any mom would.  But when she found out my age from him, she and his dad reacted very badly and lectured him for some time and they told him they would not accept me or bless us if we married.  Now, we have not been discussing marriage, but I know he has been thinking of it because of many small comments he drops (if he proposed to me I would say yes )  I love him so much and he is so good to me.  We are very serious with our relationship to each other, we live an hour apart but we drive to see each other at least twice a week and usually stay overnights 2-3x a week.

So now, my boyfriend is very upset and disappointed and I think he was even crying when he called me to tell me what happened.  He hardly shows emotion, like a typical man, and so I know this has hit him hard. He said to me that he saw marriage in our future and now he is not sure what to do.  On one hand I am thrilled to finally hear from him straightforward that he is thinking marriage, but it's definitely a bitter way to know that he is now going to have to choose between me and his parents.  He thinks it would be very difficult for me and him if we married without their blessing and is not sure he wants to do that. I know it was huge that he wanted to let me meet them because that is how Nigerian culture is, you only introduce a serious bf/gf to your parents. 

After all this from his parents, he first told me it probably wouldn't be a good idea for me to come b/c his mom was just basically "on the warpath" as I would put it. She was making him take out all my stuff from his apartment and put it outside in the storage closet.  I had told him though that I should still come (an hour drive) and at least meet them face to face and even if it is only for 10 or 15 minutes that I stay there, at least I did the mature adult thing and show them respect as well as my boyfriend.  Then they could at least see me and maybe be less judging of me.  So anyway he called me again to tell me that his mom said I should still come but that she just wanted to talk to me and tell me it is nothing against me as a person, but that it just is not their culture to marry a girl who is older.  I am so upset and distraught b/c i didn't think it would be the issue as much as maybe my race or being american would be.  He hasn't even told them that I have a son, b/c that would just be too much, I am sure.  (my son is 7, and my boyfriend is very good with him and accepts him - bio dad is not in the picture at all - he is biracial)

Anyway, I haven't really been able to properly discuss anything with my boyfriend as he doesn't have privacy now because the parents are staying with him while they are there.  I was already nervous about meeting them, but now I feel it is hopeless.  What can I do when I go tomorrow to somehow get them to warm up to me?

na wa o. this is a complicated story. My thots run two ways:
First your bf - As a Nigerian man and the first boy i know the woman i marry is of utmost importance to both my parents. Infact they've tried to hint, matchmake, beg all to no avail. There comes a time in life when a man just has to be a man and make his own decisions. I dont mean your bf shld ignore his parents or fight with them but to cry because they said i cant marry the woman i want? Nah.
At 25, he is old enough to sit his parents down and tell them what he wants with all maturity and make them see reason from his point of view. Rise up bro and be a man . . . crying is nothing but a sign of extreme weakness at this point. If you cant stand up for ur wife-to-be today you wont do so in 5yrs time.

To you missshea . . . lets call a spade a spade. you're 5 yrs older than this guy and you have a 7 yr old son, insult to injury you're white (which isnt much of a big deal now) . . . tell you the truth, no nigerian mother i know envisages such a wife for her first male child. Infact as nice as my mother is a single mom is a huge NO NO for her, i wont even try breaking her heart by bothering with a woman that already has a child.

Go see his parents, be respectful to them, show them that you care for their son but also considerate of their feelings. This is the best time to be honest with them. Your man shld take the opportunity to open up to his parents and be firm with them if he truly wants to marry you. IF it doesnt work out then at least you know that you tried but it just wasnt meant to be.

Just one more question (pls i'm just being honest here, no pun intended) . . . if you're overweight pls pls dont even bother going to see his parents. I take God beg you o. Make dem no completely disown my brother.

I don talk my own.

Well as to him crying, I don't think he was all out actually "crying", but just I could tell he was very upset and not his normal calm placid self. He seldom ever shows extreme emotion of any kind. It was over the phone, so I couldn't really tell for sure, he just didn't sound like himself. So don't think he is weak because of what i said. I agree, he is old enough and should be man enough to sit and talk with his parents about this and how he feels. I know though he feels an extreme obligation to complete his education and become independent of them before moving forward with our relationship, he just wants them to be proud of him and he wants to meet their expectations which I feel is admirable and the right thing to do. We haven't even formally discussed marriage etc, just in a vague way once in a while. He's made it clear that he wants to be graduated and working first, and I am fine with that and support it. But I guess the parents coming here kind of accelerated all of that, or he had it on his mind but wanted to gauge their reaction first, or something. I'm not sure. Before they came he said that I should not be nervous to meet them b/c they would like me. I guess he is just shocked that they are having this extreme reaction. (I think maybe his way of thinking is more 'American' than Nigerian b/c he's lived here so long, so maybe he is a bit out of touch with the culture compared to his parents generation. )

I know i do not fit the ideal image of the wife a mother would want for her son, but it was never my choice to be a single mother, and as far as age, nothing I can do about it. We didn't even know each other's age when we first met, so after a while and we realized there was an attraction there, when the age came out we already were attached to each other.

I just do not understand why Nigerian culture seems to put more emphasis on a person's life status, rather than on the person themself - I am a hardworking, dedicated, caring woman and I would be the best wife ever to him. I'm very domestic, I do his laundry, clean his apartment, and I love to keep my home well decorated and comfortable and inviting. I have been trying to learn Nigerian recipes and can make some pretty tasty jollof rice and chicken and fried plantains for him! I take good care of my son and have a firm hand in disciplining him so that he is a respectful child (unlike many US parents who IMO spoil their children too much) but I am also a loving mother. I believe in traditional roles in a marriage and that both men and women each have specific duties, and I would respect my husband as the head of the household.

Umm regarding my weight, I do not see how that would be an issue, I don't think anyone would want their son or daughter to marry someone who was grossly obese, regardless of age, race, or any other social stigma. I am not fat, but am not skinny either. I have a decent sized posterior, lol, but a nice hourglass shape. I am very health conscious and I eat healthy and do not go to fast food restaurants, etc, and I measure my calories every day.

@missshea,my advise to you is that your man stand's up for himself,he should tell his parents what he feels about the whole relationship,i am a nigerian based in nigerian and married to an older nigerian lady(she's two years older) we have a kid now and definately we too didn't notice the age difference until later into the relationship but i stood my grounds and fought my way into the heart of everyone,infact i remembered i told everyone that if they won't grace my marriage and bless it i will still go ahead,so let your man stand up because i am sure the parents will return to nigeria atleast after their vacation and you guys might still continue your life,so let him rise and speak up,he is the one in charge here.

missshea:

I just do not understand why Nigerian culture seems to put more emphasis on a person's life status, rather than on the person themself - I am a hardworking, dedicated, caring woman and I would be the best wife ever to him. I'm very domestic, I do his laundry, clean his apartment, and I love to keep my home well decorated and comfortable and inviting. I have been trying to learn Nigerian recipes and can make some pretty tasty jollof rice and chicken and fried plantains for him! I take good care of my son and have a firm hand in disciplining him so that he is a respectful child (unlike many US parents who IMO spoil their children too much) but I am also a loving mother. I believe in traditional roles in a marriage and that both men and women each have specific duties, and I would respect my husband as the head of the household.

end of story. Your man shld stand up to his parents and keep you!

@davidylan,
@carnal -
Thank you both for your input, I appreciate it so much. Unfortunately I think he has decided to do what they want him to do, instead of grow a pair and stand up for me. He says he doesn't have a choice and that he would be disowning them if he stays in a relationship with me. He says "this circumstance will not allow us to be together. I hope that you find it in your heart to forgive me sometime." Then I asked him if he can live with disowning me and he said "no i cant. im in between a rock and a hard place".

This is just tragic, and I am heartbroken more than I have ever felt in my lifetime. It hurts so much that he won't even try to stand up for me. His worry is that they will cut him off, and then he would have to go back to Nigeria and not finish his schooling. He won't even consider that there are always alternatives for everything. I have made it thru life without any parental (financial) support and I am doing well. He needs to cut the apron strings and be a man. I never will date a guy younger than me again, if i ever feel like dating again after this. I love him so much.

sorry missshea, life is sometimes not always fair. But your bf is just a silly little boy who needs to grow up. Parents CAN be reasoned with if you show them you are mature enough to take responsibility for your actions.

Na wa o. Take heart dear, there must some other guy who has balls around you eh.

@Poster

Sorry o!

@ Poster it is well take heart somebody else will love you just the way you are believe in yourself nothing has spoiled yet.

@I feel your pain. No be small thing
The thing is that, as Nigerians, we have our own ways. If it was my son, i'd feel the same way (more especially as you even have a son from elsewhere). Nigerians tend to take marriage more seriously than westerners and that's why some of the things Nigerians do may seem weird and unreasonable to Westerners.

I doubt if there are many Nigerian parents who would not feel the way your bf's parents feel about dating you. You are older, you are white and you have a son.

Nigerian parents generally dont consider whether a woman has a job and can support herself when it comes to marriage so you can stop saying that about yourself. It's not a really a great selling point from their point of view.

I'm sure you're a very good girl and you'll definitely find someone else to love you. Best of luck

dudu-bobo:

Nigerian parents generally don't consider whether a woman has a job and can support herself when it comes to marriage so you can stop saying that about yourself. It's not a really a great selling point from their point of view.

very true.

missshea:

Hello everyone, I would like to ask for some advice. My boyfriend is Nigerian, from Lagos, but has been in the states since age 16 for college. He is now 25, in last year of school for his second degree. I'm a white woman and am older than him, but not so much that it makes any difference to either of us. (i'm 30). Our personalities and mentality levels are on par with each other and we are each other's best friend. I'm educated, with my own career, and support myself, own my house, and pay my own bills (point is that i am not with him for ulterior motives, as i can take care of myself) We have been dating for over a year and now his parents have come to visit him today. He is their firstborn of 4, so I know that is a big deal. I know they seem to be very good people who care for their children a lot, and I know they want the best for him, and they have raised him to be a good and caring man. I anticipated them having some concerns over us, but not this much. When he picked them up this afternoon and brought them home, they saw our pictures together he has in his apartment, and of course his mom started asking questions, as any mom would. But when she found out my age from him, she and his dad reacted very badly and lectured him for some time and they told him they would not accept me or bless us if we married. Now, we have not been discussing marriage, but I know he has been thinking of it because of many small comments he drops (if he proposed to me I would say yes ) I love him so much and he is so good to me. We are very serious with our relationship to each other, we live an hour apart but we drive to see each other at least twice a week and usually stay overnights 2-3x a week.

So now, my boyfriend is very upset and disappointed and I think he was even crying when he called me to tell me what happened. He hardly shows emotion, like a typical man, and so I know this has hit him hard. He said to me that he saw marriage in our future and now he is not sure what to do. On one hand I am thrilled to finally hear from him straightforward that he is thinking marriage, but it's definitely a bitter way to know that he is now going to have to choose between me and his parents. He thinks it would be very difficult for me and him if we married without their blessing and is not sure he wants to do that. I know it was huge that he wanted to let me meet them because that is how Nigerian culture is, you only introduce a serious boyfriend/girlfriend to your parents.

After all this from his parents, he first told me it probably wouldn't be a good idea for me to come b/c his mom was just basically "on the warpath" as I would put it. She was making him take out all my stuff from his apartment and put it outside in the storage closet. I had told him though that I should still come (an hour drive) and at least meet them face to face and even if it is only for 10 or 15 minutes that I stay there, at least I did the mature adult thing and show them respect as well as my boyfriend. Then they could at least see me and maybe be less judging of me. So anyway he called me again to tell me that his mom said I should still come but that she just wanted to talk to me and tell me it is nothing against me as a person, but that it just is not their culture to marry a girl who is older. I am so upset and distraught b/c i didn't think it would be the issue as much as maybe my race or being american would be. He hasn't even told them that I have a son, b/c that would just be too much, I am sure. (my son is 7, and my boyfriend is very good with him and accepts him - bio dad is not in the picture at all - he is biracial)

Anyway, I haven't really been able to properly discuss anything with my boyfriend as he doesn't have privacy now because the parents are staying with him while they are there. I was already nervous about meeting them, but now I feel it is hopeless. What can I do when I go tomorrow to somehow get them to warm up to me?

It's because you'er white.

He sounds like a nice guy but you have been warned. This is my take. I am not suprised at his parent's reaction. You are older and you ar enot Nigerian. They have already shown that they will do whatever it takes for their son not to marry you but the most important thing here though is your boyfriend's reaction. That is what you should base your decision on. He says they are "making" him take your things out of the house. He is not 12. He is a 25 year old man that cannot stand up to his mother and say "nothing is leaving the house". That tells you how important his mother's opinion is. More important than your relationship. His mother will always be there and she has a strong hold on him. I don't think it is worth it. If his mother was evil but he stood up and had a spine about it, I would be singing a different tune. He will be the kind of guy that even if you guys marry and his mother crosses the line over and over, he will never say "mum please chill out". He will expect you to take the abuse just like he allows her overstep when it comes to him. Do you really want to live like that.

Almost the same what happen with me
I had dated with him for 4 years and he cant marry me because he is the first son of 4
An the family prefer a naija wife because they re suppossed be more obedient and submissive.
His friends adviced me have a babe from him, it might change the story because he is too serious concerning the lineage, but I dont think it is right.

SimiBrasil:

Almost the same what happen with me
I had dated with him for 4 years and he can't marry me because he is the first son of 4
An the family prefer a naija wife because they re suppossed be more obedient and submissive.
His friends adviced me have a babe from him, it might change the story because he is too serious concerning the lineage, but I don't think it is right.

dont try and trap him with a baby, it may lead u to nowhere but the land of single mothers!

Brash


At least I d have a conection with him forever
To have a babe from the men you really love, is the must
I am independent too.
I wont do it because I dont think is right and because I fear God
But If I had his own babe , the first babe of the first son and if he is babe boy, the story might change, because he is family oriented and he d no accept another man raising his child

SimiBrasil:

Brash


At least I d have a conection with him forever
To have a babe from the men you really love, is the must
I am independent too.
I wont do it because I don't think is right and because I fear God
But If I had his own babe , the first babe of the first son and if he is babe boy, the story might change, because he is family oriented and he d no accept another man raising his child

well that may be the only option for you, however outcome are not always gauranteed

i hope things sorts itself out!

Hi,


Personally, I wouldn't worry too much about it.  Take it as it comes.  I believe that what would be, would be - que sera, sera.

That said, parents are very important to us Nigerians.  Even with Western influence, Nigerians living abroad always have respect for their parents, and indeed, listen to them a lot of the times. 

I would definitely say that it's not about you being a 'white' woman.  Nigerians are not racists.  It's about a typical Nigerian parent wanting their son to get married to a girl of their choice, being that he is their first son.

My advice is just go and visit them.  Have a good chat with them.  If possible, take them out for a meal and get a feel for things - what they think of you and possibly somebody of a different race.  Never be ashamed of who you are or your circumstances before your boyfriend came into your life.  If one door shuts, another opens.

One thing though, please never ever, make the mistake of asking him to choose between you and his parents.  That's one easy way of losing him.  Again, contrary to the advice of others, please try not to get pregnant for him at this time.  That would amount to his being trapped by you which would make matters worse between you two.

Just hope and pray that his parents would see you as a suitable lady for their son.



kiwi992.

I'm sorry, nne.

You will find a good man eventually.

All this essays sef

Eya, I understand the parents jare.
No offense, but I kinda side with them

some people are labeling the guy as spineless, a boy, etc. have you considered that he is letting go of this woman for her own good. any naija man who's considering carrying an american wife, look 10 yrs down the line. are you sure you want to put her thru all that , think o

The guy is not spineless. The foreign woman (and indeed any woman) can divorce you but you are connected to your family as long as you live.

@SimiBrasil, you have to have a very irresponsible disposition if you want to bring a child into this world knowing fully well that the man responsible does not want you. This is the reason there are so many single mothers bringing up wild children all over the place and then blaming absent fathers.

Follow up on the situation:

(First I want it to be known that I did not seek him out. It was not my intention to start a relationship with a foreign man. He initiated contact with me, he pursued me.)

Anyway, I went and met his parents last friday night. It was not easy. I already knew what they were going to say b/c he had told me. They were nice to me, but still sat me down and told me we could not be together anymore. She made me read out of the bible about being divorced and how it was a sin if I remarried. I told her that I was the innocent one in that and I have been baptized and repented and in God's eyes I am able to remarry. It didn't matter to her, she wasn't having it. Her son is the firstborn and if he married me he will be disowned, blah blah blah. I was crying and a solid mess when it was over, and could hardly make down the stairs. My heart was just broken.

On sunday morning, he calls me. He says that his mom said something the night before that made him rethink things. He told me that he loves me and that he does not want to be broken up, and that at this time he 100% thinks I would be the girl he marries. He said that if we ever break up, that he wanted it to be of our own accord, not because of what someone told him to do. I asked what his mom said that made him decide that, and he said that she told him they would disown him if he married any foreigner, white girl, or anyone who is not Nigerian. He asked why and she just said because that is what will make me happy. Well he said what about my happiness? He has only dated white women, never a black girl. So if it isn't me that he will be going thru this scenario with, it will be the next girl. So anyway, I was happy that he was making the choice on his own, and not by their influence. All day yesterday I felt so relieved, and happy, to know I would get to see him again on Tuesday, after they leave, and that I would still have my boyfriend and best friend in my life.

But then he emails (emails, mind you, not calls) me last night around 11 and says his mom fainted because she "was thinking about us and that he wouldn't break up with me" (she did not know that he had decided to not break up with me). So he says he can't risk his mom's health and that it was over for us.

I am so pissed because his mom is being childish and pulling these stunts to make him feel bad. They had all been out to chinese earlier and he had had food poisoning, and throwing up, so I am sure that is why his mom fainted. Not because of us. She is just being a drama queen and controlling. I am just pissed that he is so fickle, and that he fell for that ridiculous crap, and that he is a nursing student and should be able to see that people don't faint over what they are thinking about - they faint because of a physical condition. I am just over it now. I love him but he obviously doesn't love me enough to stand up for me. So he will be subject to his mom's whim's on every girl he dates, good luck on that.

As far as me, I will not be prone to be dating anyone foreign anytime soon, if ever at all. This is too much heartache for one person to bear.

@kiwi - I would never get pregnant to try to keep a guy. That is the most ridiculous notion I have ever heard! I have one son without a father around and I would NEVER intentionally do that to a child. Children deserve to have two loving parents, they need it.

Is it acceptable in Nigeria to have premarital sex? Just wondering.

@ outstrip - I believe you are right. He will always be heeding his mommy's whims, regardless, and if we did manage to stay together, my life would probably be made hell by her.

i am so happy to inform that he has had time to miss me and finally decided that he should still be with me, and asked me back. I do not know what the future holds for us regarding his parents, but we will have to deal with it at a later time. For now we know that he wants to be with me and I with him, so why should we not be together?

Thank you everyone for your input and advice. Dealing with situations like this all alone is not easy! Keep us in your prayers.

missshea:

Is it acceptable in Nigeria to have premarital sex? Just wondering.

of course it is, but in our culture its more acceptable for men to do it than women

I feel for you missshea but my gut feeling is that you guys should go ahead with your relationship with or without his parents blessings. I believe 5 years down the line after you've made 2 or 3 babies together his mother will eventually get over their cultural differences and accept you as his wife

A typical African mother will say no to just one of those qualities/issues you have not to talk of all three!

The Age! _{nothing but a number}

You're white! _{I don't see anything wrong with that}

And you have a child! _{that's a no no to most parents}

@poster
Man, its a really dicey situation because Nigerian take marriage VERY SERIOUSLY than westerners. Divorce is a  NO NO talkless of having a child from another marriage. My parents, in fact, everybody that i know would be livid if i married someone who was divorced and already had a child even if they were Nigerian, but if the guy truly loves you then he should stand up for you, trust me, they might like you when they meet you. Either way, my sister i wish you all the best in your life and God Bless, i really hope everything works out for you guys.

missshea,

I'm really sorry about your situation but I think you have to take it like it is because it wont change.
Everything you have stated in your original post is and will continue to work against you.
First, You're older than him, his family would ALWAYS know that and use it against you. They would say you forced him against his will because you are older and should be wiser.
Second, you are white. . . . .I can't even get started on that one but I have a feeling you know.
Third, you are a single, independent woman. They would say you tried to buy him.
Then, on top of all that, you have a son.
Any typical Nigerian mother would faint, food poisoning or not.

Then, apart from all of this, your boyfriend would cave eventually. Accept it or not, he will. If he doesn't cave to them now, he will later. So please honey, I'm sure it hurts like hell now but it WILL hurt a whole lot more later.

Do the right thing.

missshea:

i am so happy to inform that he has had time to miss me and finally decided that he should still be with me, and asked me back. I do not know what the future holds for us regarding his parents, but we will have to deal with it at a later time. For now we know that he wants to be with me and I with him, so why should we not be together?

Thank you everyone for your input and advice. Dealing with situations like this all alone is not easy! Keep us in your prayers.

You a such a joker! what a laugh

You already know that there's nothing in this relationship for you but you're ready to blind yourself to the fact. Afterwards, you'll start complaining about Nigerian men when you're actually the foolish (oops sorry) one. It's never going to work and I'm sure you know that but you're willing to string along to make yourself happy temporarily.

Anyone can see your desperation and with all these, I think you're trying to use the gullible boy by twisting his senses. You will have what you deserve eventually