Hi, this is my first time on nl and my first topic. My problem is that i cant be in a relationship for more than few months. Initially, i thought it was because i had been in a ten-year relationship that drifted off because of distance. I have tried since then but it has been to no avail. I usually break it off because i focus on all the wrong things and forget about the sweetness of being in a relationship. I am trying to overcome this problem, seems i am insatiable or my taste is too high. But what is the big deal of wanting something good? I have been in the States for a while now and it has got harder to find a good guy. My parents are on my neck as all my friends are either married or about to and I still cant get to be stable in a relationship. I was dating a guy i really like (online) till i met him and found somethings i cant really live with. Why do i keep finding out things i cant stand? I think i need help. I need advice. I am not a sex addict nor do i party every weekend. In fact, i am homely and dedicated to my work still i cant be dedicated to a man and not find faults. I have tried to overlook and forget faults but they keep crippin into my mind and messing my head up. one of my exs even believe i am more alive as a friend than as a lover....i feel i have lost it. I just need mature minds here to encourage me and tell me what they think.

thanks

Maybe you are the one that suffered the consequence of break-Up in your 10years relationship and you are still being haunted !!

Attimes U just have to start afresh damn some unnecessary odds !

you have a point but that relationship ended in 2011. is it possible i am still affected?

donroxy: Maybe you are the one that suffered the consequence of break-Up in your 10years relationship and you are still being haunted !!

Attimes U just have to start afresh damn some unnecessary odds !

kahdeejah: you have a point but that relationship ended in 2011. is it possible i am still affected?

U can never stopped being haunted if you are the one being dumped .

Maybe your new guys do not match the ''perceived standards'' of your ex ?

i left my 10 year relationship because of my parent, my mum stopped supporting it. Yes, new guys dont match up to his standard which is so terrible cos he made me a better person...it is over, no going back, I just wanna learn how to move on really

donroxy: U can never stopped being haunted if you are the one being dumped .

Maybe your new guys do not match the ''perceived standards'' of your ex ?

kahdeejah: i left my 10 year relationship because of my parent, my mum stopped supporting it. Yes, new guys dont match up to his standard which is so terrible cos he made me a better person...it is over, no going back, I just wanna learn how to move on really

That is simply it :
You are the one being dumped !
ur mum did it for him !

Nonetheless:
U don't need to settle for less but not many guys seem same across miles but if u lucky u can still find great dudes within miles ...

Can you keenly look for strength in the new guys which your ex doesn't possess and capitalise on that to move on

Also, emotions/obsessions clouds good judgement therefore :

You have to be frank with yourself if u really thinking about settling down in d longrun :

Your fault or the fault of new guys .... If you are obsessed with finding faults then you may never moved on or get disappointed either by urself or ur newbie later on ...


Look keenly for the strengths like starting afresh !

Ur standards re too high; u hv wrk to do on urself...


Moreso; marriage is not for everybody; U coud adopt kids n live a happy life!!! Cus if u don't wrk on urself; u might end up marrying cus of peer pressure, n abbusing d union...

Everybody musn't be married...

Would u mind datin a nairalander in the states also? Then add up

Sorry, 10yrs relationship is a no joke, why would your mum end that lengthen relationship? there must be something you arent telling us. Anyway i guess the breakup is still affecting you, you would be surprised that your Ex is also battling with the same problem. All you need to do is to work on yourself, enjoy friendship as it comes and from there you can find love

Just try to have someone,every man born of woman has faults,so hook up with someone unless u don't want to marry at all.

You shld put more efforts into this aspect of your life ooo. Come to think of it, you can't have your ex back and you ain't getting younger plus you. female. Go Nike Sis, just do it

kahdeejah: Hi, this is my first time on nl and my first topic. My problem is that i cant be in a relationship for more than few months. Initially, i thought it was because i had been in a ten-year relationship that drifted off because of distance. I have tried since then but it has been to no avail. I usually break it off because i focus on all the wrong things and forget about the sweetness of being in a relationship. I am trying to overcome this problem, seems i am insatiable or my taste is too high. But what is the big deal of wanting something good? I have been in the States for a while now and it has got harder to find a good guy. My parents are on my neck as all my friends are either married or about to and I still cant get to be stable in a relationship. I was dating a guy i really like (online) till i met him and found somethings i cant really live with. Why do i keep finding out things i cant stand? I think i need help. I need advice. I am not a sex addict nor do i party every weekend. In fact, i am homely and dedicated to my work still i cant be dedicated to a man and not find faults. I have tried to overlook and forget faults but they keep crippin into my mind and messing my head up. one of my exs even believe i am more alive as a friend than as a lover....i feel i have lost it. I just need mature minds here to encourage me and tell me what they think.

thanks

First thing is to stay away for now. Take a break. Maybe Two, three, four months.. Or just any amount of time it would take you to get yourself to understand why you need a relationship.

One simple thing you need to understand is that are you going into all these relationships that don't last to conform to societal standards or is it that you like that person and want to build something for the future?

When you can discern between this two, staying in a relationship would be much easier.

Focus on having relationships that you know would lead somewhere and no need getting attached to someone you know does not have the basic things you would consider for a life partner just because you need to get hitched and they asked you out.

Find that someone you believe crosses the Ts for you and endeavour to tell them early on about the issues you faced in the past and your fears because when such challenges crops up later they know where it's coming from and are better armed to help you sort and work things out. Just take it easy.

kahdeejah: Hi, this is my first time on nl and my first topic. My problem is that i cant be in a relationship for more than few months. Initially, i thought it was because i had been in a ten-year relationship that drifted off because of distance. I have tried since then but it has been to no avail. I usually break it off because i focus on all the wrong things and forget about the sweetness of being in a relationship. I am trying to overcome this problem, seems i am insatiable or my taste is too high. But what is the big deal of wanting something good? I have been in the States for a while now and it has got harder to find a good guy. My parents are on my neck as all my friends are either married or about to and I still cant get to be stable in a relationship. I was dating a guy i really like (online) till i met him and found somethings i cant really live with. Why do i keep finding out things i cant stand? I think i need help. I need advice. I am not a sex addict nor do i party every weekend. In fact, i am homely and dedicated to my work still i cant be dedicated to a man and not find faults. I have tried to overlook and forget faults but they keep crippin into my mind and messing my head up. one of my exs even believe i am more alive as a friend than as a lover....i feel i have lost it. I just need mature minds here to encourage me and tell me what they think.

thanks

you need T.b joshua

jamesosedebamen: Night is longer than day for those who dream and day is longer than night for those who make their dreams come true. Good Night and Sweet Dreams.

Make una see this drunkard oo.

Somebori is complaining she can't fall in love with me and you are day dreaming...

Baby you say you are in U.S. just work my Visa sharperly.

We.must fall in Rove when I arrive
.

my mum is a strict person. I really dont know what she saw. women are unpredictable, she only said he was too proud and she cant relate with his mum (my exs mum) which is surprising. i didnt hide anything. Then she said it is because he is a chrisian (which she knew from the beginning of the relationship). My mum and I are really close so she knew when i started dating him. I really dont know what she saw cos i believe she gave flimsy excuses

sexyseun: Sorry, 10yrs relationship is a no joke, why would your mum end that lengthen relationship? there must be something you arent telling us. Anyway i guess the breakup is still affecting you, you would be surprised that your Ex is also battling with the same problem. All you need to do is to work on yourself, enjoy friendship as it comes and from there you can find love

You kept a relationship for ten years


And you still think you are not good at it? So how long are you proposing for your next relationship. Maybe 15

U av to work on ur ego,it seems u are too choosy and dats wat is affecting ur relationship life

I see only one challenge here young lady: You are yet to move on with your life. Simple and short. You are still hanging on to your past instead of looking outward to the future and until you learn to look forward, you will still be stuck in your past. That's really not the place you need to be right now.

Using your ex as the yardstick to measure other guys is a bit unfair. I am pretty sure you won't be pleased to find out that some other guy is using his ex to measure how well you are doing in a relationship.

First thing is try to cherish whatever it is you had with your ex. Cherish the moments you guys spent together. That's one of the beauties of having a memory in the first place but allow it end there. It shouldn't be used as a basis to determine your future.

Try and see any relationship you choose to enter as a chance to experience something new. Do not derive your expectations of the present from your past. Definitely, no one can be perfect...even you, have your very own faults. You should appreciate the fact that as you are trying to adjust to the faults of the guy, he is also trying to make some major adjustments to your faults.

Marriage is really about two faulty individuals coming together to achieve a height that individually they cannot possibly achieve. So missy, put your chin up, know what you want (that which is not determined by your ex) and go for it if you see it in any guy. Take a chance and see where it leads.

let me throw a bit of light into who and what i usually search for:
I am attracted to intelligent and goal makers not goal setters, I am an academia which makes it difficult to also mingle. I like a simple be-yourself-say-the-truth kinda guy. I am not advertising myself here just stating. I easily get turned off by guys who do not know what they want but if you know what you want (male or female), I dedicate my time (if i can) into making ur goal come through. I easily give advice and supports (most of my friends have confirmed me to be a motivator).
i hope i am making sense at to what i am saying. My parent actually believe i am still in my last relationship and they keep asking about my guy.
i need help really

you dont understand, that is the only relationship that ever entered ONE YEAR

m-ployer:
You kept a relationship for ten years


And you still think you are not good at it? So how long are you proposing for your next relationship. Maybe 15

Thank you so much, I believe in your words and I really really want to change. I swear.....if not, why would i bring this to the public when i know i have some people as friends here.....I just dont know how to start and I fear the unknown....Thanks all the same

striktlymi: I see only one challenge here young lady: You are yet to move on with your life. Simple and short. You are still hanging on to your past instead of looking outward to the future and until you learn to look forward, you will still be stuck in your past. That's really not the place you need to be right now.

Using your ex as the yardstick to measure other guys is a bit unfair. I am pretty sure you won't be pleased to find out that some other guy is using his ex to measure how well you are doing in a relationship.

First thing is try to cherish whatever it is you had with your ex. Cherish the moments you guys spent together. That's one of the beauties of having a memory in the first place but allow it end there. It shouldn't be used as a basis to determine your future.

Try and see any relationship you choose to enter as a chance to experience something new. Do not derive your expectations of the present from your past. Definitely, no one can be perfect...even you, have your very own faults. You should appreciate the fact that as you are trying to adjust to the faults of the guy, he is also trying to make some major adjustments to your faults.

Marriage is really about two faulty individuals coming together to achieve a height that individually they cannot possibly achieve. So missy, put your chin up, know what you want (that which is not determined by your ex) and go for it if you see it in any guy. Take a chance and see where it leads.

why are nigerian women so desperate to marry?

and later chimamanda adichie will be spewing one rubbish or the other...

later una go dey complain say man na dog...


here is some advice...pls find ur way to an animal shelter, look for a golden retriever or rottweiler, and walk him down the aisle...

see, problem solved

Since u knw wat ur problem is,i guess u sud try and solve it,don't mind d family pressure,take ur time bt don't take too much of ur tym,btw also involve God,pray and tell im wat u want 4rm im and am sure hez gona do it,he is d God of possiblities.

Go back 2 ur ex...must ur parent decide fr u.....u guyz dated for too long...getting a new guy would be very hard

kahdeejah: Thank you so much, I believe in your words and I really really want to change. I swear.....if not, why would i bring this to the public when i know i have some people as friends here.....I just dont know how to start and I fear the unknown....Thanks all the same

That's always where the problem is fo most folks: where to start from; but for me I don't think the challenge is where or how to start but in how to sustain what has been started already.

In my opinion I believe that you have started already. The fact that you have the awareness to recognise that something is wrong is already a good start in itself but in this case you are not just aware that there is a challenge, you are also aware where the ish started from. That's two points in your favour.

In order to sustain what you have already started, I would advice that you first define what it is you want from a relationship and by extension, what u want in your spouse. You have to be careful here to draw a huge distinction between what you want as an individual and what you want in the light of your parents or your ex.

You really need to know what you want first of all. In defining your wants, you should also be as realistic as you can. For starters, there is no knight in shiny armour anywhere. Knights in shiny armour are found only in story books. What we have in reality are 'dirty frogs' whom we would need the 'kiss of grooming' to make handsome princes or beutiful princesses and love them despite their imperfections.

You should also realise that you won't overcome this challenge in just one day. It may take you a bit to get a hang of it but if you remain steadfast you will surely do well. Stop worrying on how badly you may do and focus more on making the relationship you will choose to enter work. Your feelings are not in control of you. Take charge and carry on but remember that you need not take crap from any body just because you want to make your relationship work.

you are a darling......sometimes, one just need to hear from a different angle to understand life....

striktlymi:

That's always where the problem is fo most folks: where to start from; but for me I don't think the challenge is where or how to start but in how to sustain what has been started already.

In my opinion I believe that you have started already. The fact that you have the awareness to recognise that something is wrong is already a good start in itself but in this case you are not just aware that there is a challenge, you are also aware where the ish started from. That's two points in your favour.

In order to sustain what you have already started, I would advice that you first define what it is you want from a relationship and by extension, what u want in your spouse. You have to be careful here to draw a huge distinction between what you want as an individual and what you want in the light of your parents or your ex.

You really need to know what you want first of all. In defining your wants, you should also be as realistic as you can. For starters, there is no knight in shiny armour anywhere. Knights in shiny armour are found only in story books. What we have in reality are 'dirty frogs' whom we would need the 'kiss of grooming' to make handsome princes or beutiful princesses and love them despite their imperfections.

You should also realise that you won't overcome this challenge in just one day. It may take you a bit to get a hang of it but if you remain steadfast you will surely do well. Stop worrying on how badly you may do and focus more on making the relationship you will choose to enter work. Your feelings are not in control of you. Take charge and carry on but remember that you need not take crap from any body just because you want to make your relationship work.

i am not in a haste to marry. i am in my late 20s and I am a career oriented person who is not ready to tie the nut. Nevertheless, I have an issue which I intend to tackle and thats y it is stated on nl, u dont need to b angry

scribble: why are nigerian women so desperate to marry?

and later chimamanda adichie will be spewing one rubbish or the other...

later una go dey complain say man na dog...


here is some advice...pls find ur way to an animal shelter, look for a golden retriever or rottweiler, and walk him down the aisle...

see, problem solved

i would have gone back but why fast for someone who is eating icecream? i think we dated for too long and drifted apart when we started taking eachother for granted. like I said, I am not interested in my ex. He is even thousands of miles away. I wish to move on even though he is a part of my life that i value so much. Thanks all the same dear

Lorlaahlozz: Go back 2 ur ex...must ur parent decide fr u.....u guyz dated for too long...getting a new guy would be very hard

kahdeejah: my mum is a strict person. I really dont know what she saw. women are unpredictable, she only said he was too proud and she cant relate with his mum (my exs mum) which is surprising. i didnt hide anything. Then she said it is because he is a chrisian (which she knew from the beginning of the relationship). My mum and I are really close so she knew when i started dating him. I really dont know what she saw cos i believe she gave flimsy excuses

Well, from what I am reading, it seems your mum saw all the 'wrongs' and you didn't.

Let me ask you at this point: Were you happy with him in that 10 years stunt? Did he make you happy?

How come your mum saw the wrongs and you didn't?

When she pin pointed the flaws, was she right or wrong?

You need to let the house know by answering these questions and let it not be that your mum did this for her own selfish reasons, which could in turn hunt you like you are currently experiencing now.

Except you state clearly that the guy was bad in all ramifications, then I see know reason why your mother should be the reason for the breakup. At least if there should be any, it has to be between the two of you, for which I am yet to see.

It's as if your mum caused the divide without any concrete reason.

Saying the dude is proud... Is no good reason in my book.

So, I want to ask you again: was he the proud type? If yes, could you define the kind of pride he has?

I am trying to save you the grace of not finding happiness in the long run because a lot of parents, especially mothers ruin the life of their daughters without weighing the consequences...

I read one time on nairaland: " a thread for single ladies"(you can search for it) where the OP narrated what an elderly man told her.

The man told her that there was a lady he wanted to marry and they loved each other so much BUT the parents objected, especially the mother. He tried everything he could to convince them but the parents refused. He left but several years later, he met the woman and when they saw each other, the woman was in tears crying that the man should have fought for her. He consoled her and told her that he fought but she didn't make effort and she kept mute while the parents were against him.

Questions: the man asked what about the man whom your parents said you would marry? She said they didn't marry and that she had to go marry someone else. So, how is the husband, the man asked. She said he had an accident and she is saddled with the responsibility of taking care of the house.

I do hope you learn something from this.

Goodluck.