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Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Family / Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! (139763 Views)
|Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by snazzylove: 4:49pm On Jul 17, 2014
This thread is opened to basically to help our fellow men and women go through the journey of marriage and achieve at least a near perfect or the type of home they have so much desired.
NOTE: I am not a professional marriage counsellor neither do I have a perfect marriage, but like they rightly said, experience is the best teacher. I have had my share of the tussles (if you know what I mean) ranging from the initial bliss of newly married, to fighting off unwanted guests (home breakers), to dealing with difficult and intimidating in-laws, to dealing with spiritual, emotional, physical and financial challenges,to dealing with foes posing as friends, to dealing with nannies, househelps and kids. Wow! Marriage!!! Its really an interesting journey, but not to be embarked on by the feeble minded (mummies and daddies pets) but by a strong and willing mind, that can say no when its necessary to say no and vice versa.
Marriage is all about sacrifices, what are you willing to let go for the other to stay?
Let us share our experiences, listen to each others plight, render advice, who knows, we might help a sister or brother reconsider certain decisions they have taken or about to take in their marriages or concerning that wedding coming up.
PLEASE NO INSULT OR CARELESS TALK. Someone's problem might look cheap or irrelevant to you but it is their problem and if they have a solution to it they won't make it public. So let us pls be very matured about this and submit only candid advice and opinion.
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|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 5:13pm On Jul 17, 2014
|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by psucc(m): 5:39pm On Jul 17, 2014
Marriage is university once admitted you only graduate when 'death do us part'.
It is interesting but fill with challenges.
God bless your union.
|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by egopersonified(f): 5:44pm On Jul 17, 2014
Sorry op, just read some few lines just wanted to quote what someone once said. "marriage is the only institution that you are awarded a certificate before you even start".
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|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by snazzylove: 5:45pm On Jul 17, 2014
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|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by snazzylove: 5:53pm On Jul 17, 2014
dorosola: nice..... what do u think about proxy marriage?Are you talking about proxy wedding? Cos wedding is very different from the marriage itself. Weddings can be done in proxy for different reasons but proxy marriage is a no for me. So let me know the one you are referring to so I will know how to channel my advice. Thanks.
|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 6:01pm On Jul 17, 2014
Which one be 'strictly'?
Anyways, that scenario is a tough one, since talking to hubby ain't working, na siddon dey look mode remain. When she comes, she should just stay on her own and let me be on my own. Life's too short.
|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by apolonius(m): 6:09pm On Jul 17, 2014
She is obviously a terrible babe but your hubby has not played his role well.
As it is,he is supposed to have said no to the new arrangement to bring her back to your home with the pregnancy. He still has not done well.
What do you do?Take it all in,ignore her,avoid giving her the opportunity to taunt or insult you, and face your life as painfully as it all is. Of course,still respect your hubby. Time delivers the best justice. Mark my words today,your hubby will chase her out in due time.
May God's wisdom guide you.Amen.
|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by LerrieJohn(f): 7:52pm On Jul 17, 2014
The way your husband's family treats you depends a lot on your husband. From all you have said, I don't think you and your husband communicate much. It's not your In-laws that should inform you about such decisions but your husband. As for what to do when your SIL moves in, well respect yourself and play your role as madam of the house. You can't be cooking and cleaning after her nor exchanging words with her neither. It's your home, you manage it.
|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by bellong: 9:15pm On Jul 17, 2014
Treat the lady same way you would have treated your sister if she were the one in this scenario.
Yes, your husband disrespected you by taking such a huge decision without your knowledge but I think you knew this part of him all along. In this situation, you will only learn to live with him or play your game to make him bend.
|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 10:17pm On Jul 17, 2014
snazzylove:my bad....I meant proxy wedding.....
|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 10:20pm On Jul 17, 2014
It's very difficult to walk the walk especially when hubby is the diplomatic type who will try to avoid wahala at all costs,always leaving you to defend yourself.
My inlaws have backstabbed me well well.I believe i'm married into a family of pretenders.
When i was pregnant,hubby and i decided to tell no one till we were 4 months along because i had health issues..Fastforward to this year,Brother in law and wife came to ours for holidays and i was shocked to see her big belle..We were on bb etc and it wasn't mentioned,hubby was shocked too and asked why they didn't talk and the wife said she thought her hubby had mentioned it..
Well,i said alright no wahala,i felt it was like revenge for not telling them about mine till 4 months.I now asked excitedly what are you having,SIS in law said she doesn't know,brother in law contradicted..evidently sis in law was lying..i said hmmm okayy.They had a great time in my home,behaviour off at times but no one is perfect jare.
Couple of weeks later hubby called them to ask how their ultrasound went,and asked if they have finally confirmed what they were having and brother in law told him the sex of the baby but asked him specifically not to tell me.Unfortunately for him,i heard when he said it.And i confirmed i was actually singled out.
These are people that are always disturbing me to help them do this and that etc.I was extremely offended and expected my hubby to at least speak up but as usual,nothing.
It has affected my relationship with them as it made me remember other instances where BIL's wife would tell me one thing and do another.I am now just cordial and courteous to them.No more extending myself and bending over backwards.I do what i can do for them and nothing more..They asked me for my daughters clothes and i gave them a bunch even though i was so annoyed as this is the baby they were hiding from me.They wrote list for me,help me buy this help me buy that..i bought because its for their older child oo but i didn't do it with my heart.
I felt soo betrayed as I thought we were close..I now generally avoid any unnecessary discussion with them and that's it.
MIL,I took as my own mother..I confided in her and she twisted my words and cussed me out..She later apologised but I cant forget it..Visited her for holidays.She acted cold to me for leaving the house on the morning of an occassion,not knowing i was going to arrange a gift for her.I later told her that's what i went to do and i'm sure she was ashamed of her behaviour.BUT the way she acted is still imprinted on my memory..This is a woman that is soo demanding and always calls me to buy things for her.
SIL..first day she saw me she said that the day they would want to make a decision as a family and my husband says let him ask his wife first,that someone will go to prison.She has insulted my parents as well..not to my face though..
Ofcourse i'm not totally blameless..I am very opinionated and speak my mind,lol.When i do that,i may appear abrasive when i don't intend to.
I spoke with my parents about all these and was told to do my best,just basically be polite and do what i need to do.
That has been my motto for this year.Arms length.MIL maybe is having a conscience crisis cos she's been calling too often.I say what i need to and that's it.I can't just get past things she said to me..I'm sure she would never speak to any of her kids the way she did to me and i told her that.
Family dynamics differ ...Especially when you feel the hubby doesn't have your back,so you fight your battles solo..It's been a learning curve for me and i'm doing as my parents have advised.No more saying my opinions ,i now just concur..yes and no..no more personal gists.
When you are told to look into a family before entering,it seems like a joke BUT if i had known what i know now,i'd have bailed.Hubby is a fantastic man but his behaviour makes me feel he is spineless and somehow makes me resent him.
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|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 10:52pm On Jul 17, 2014
hispinkolo: It's very difficult to walk the walk especially when hubby is the diplomatic type who will try to avoid wahala at all costs,always leaving you to defend yourself.hnmmmmmmn...... now this really gave me the chill of my future in laws....God help me.
|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by snazzylove: 11:12pm On Jul 17, 2014
Challenges in marriage could come from so many angles, in-laws wahala is just one leg of it.
@alutacontinuaan sorry dear I stated strictly cos it will take someone who's already wearing the shoe or close to wearing the shoe to understand the issues of marriage starting from when d guy proposed. Lol.
@lerriejohn, I do communicate with my husband, but the issue is not about who passes the information to me but about making me part of the decision. Its my house you know, and I run the show here, so if they as a family are considering such a delicate issue, knowing fully well that I'll be the one to bear the brunt of it (omugwo tinz and all that) I don't think it will do them any harm seeking my opinion and of course consent, cos I do not owe them any obligation in that regards, and I could object to it if am not comfortable with the arrangement besides I was pregnant and expecting my own baby too, so they should have considered my condition (if they really cared) before thinking of adding such a heavy burden to me.
@bellong, if she were to be my blood sister, I will firmly put her where she belongs if she dared that, cos I know our parent will support me so long as they believe am doing the right thing as an elder sister. But because she isn't, whatever I do to her will be seen from 'in-laws' point of view, and most times its not favourable to the wife. In-laws are delicate part of a marriage and should be treated as such. As to knowing this part of my hubby, from experience I have come to understand that when it comes to his people (men generally) you can never fully know what their reaction will be when family issues crops up. They are unpredictable. As a wife, you can only manage the ones you can and swallow others as a bitter pill.
@hispinkolo, my dear I understand where you are coming from. Like you are rightly adviced, minimize too many personal discussion, just be polite and courteous when the need arises. I've been there and still is, trust me, its safer to be unpredictable than for them to know all about what you can or cannot do.
Like I said earlier, in-laws wahala is just one aspect of the many challenges of marriage. But it seems most marriages experience it either at the early, mid or later part of the marriage. How its managed matters a lot and can make or mar the relationship between the couple.
|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 11:13pm On Jul 17, 2014
No oooo.Just have an open mind..Some inlaws are fantastic,kind and loving..
Pity mine turned out to be .......
I was actually open,my boisterous self,always letting them know whats on my mind..Too much of everything is bad.
So,now i'm facing front.MIL is having high bp that i'm not calling her as often as i used to.
I am having a lot of difficulty getting past the things she's done to me.She is a nice woman and I used to tell her that I love her but truth is when push comes to shove,she can never be objective and will always pick her kids even if they are wrong..It's a normal thing though.I thought i was one of her kids and made the mistake of confiding in her..The drama she acted ehhh I will never forget.
I blame myself for thinking I could be myself warts and all no matter what..didn't know that I had to be perfect all the time..even expression of my anger or displeasure na wahala..
I still do what I can for her BUT no more closeness..The romance is definitely over..
Funny thing is as an outsider,you'd never be able to tell BUT they that know my normal nature now know there's a difference..
I have asked God to help me forget..it hasn't happened yet.
It is well.Feels nice to vent though
It is wellu ooooo..nawaaa.True.If it's your sister,you can afford to scream at her,put her in herplace and you would have back up.As In-law you have to shape your mouth a certain way just to avoid issues.Especially when hubby is a master at sitting on the fence.
I made the mistake of hallucinating and thinking i was a member of the family true true and could express myself without repercussion..Choiii!! Had i known
|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by snazzylove: 11:29pm On Jul 17, 2014
dorosola: my bad....I meant proxy wedding.....
Dear, if the two people involved already knew each other and are in a relationship but for one reason or the other one of them could not be around for the wedding, then there is nothing wrong with having a proxy wedding.
But if its the type that is rampant in our society these dayz, whereby pictures are exchanged between two pple living across boarders,oceans and seas, and they only get to talk on phone and chat in one or all of these social media available, and finally agree to marry, and the wedding in proxy with a promise that after the wedding the person goes to meet the spouse. Hmmmm.... I don't subscribe to dat at all, no matter how promising and convincing the situation appears to be, cos most times, datz the beginning of disaster in marriage.
You cannot fully know or understand a person through the internet, distant relationship or courtship is one of the problems of marriage, cos when you finally move in with the person you may begin to discover things that ordinarily you cannot put up with. And believe me, if you are nursing the idea of changing the person when u get married, then you are in for a bigger trouble.
|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 12:50am On Jul 18, 2014
wat happened between u n ur mil.this is a faceless forum let it out let us learn a thing or two.
|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 1:15am On Jul 18, 2014
Let's just say the family was making a decision and the husbands' siblings were being overbearing and lording it over the daughters in-law.Stupidly,I was championing the cause for the daughters in-law because we had a different opinion and felt we should have been consulted as well as members of the 'family'.
Well,I confided in my MIL,told her my thoughts and my reasons also intimating her that the others were also against the idea.I didn't know my co wives were telling me one thing and doing another..I was a bloody fool
MIL as usual started championing her shidrens case and I strongly opposed,in the end I told her I would go along with the idea but I'm not happy about it.Mennn from there drama started,woman cussed me out,asking me who do I think I am that I won't fall in line,I'm feeling big,that why should we be consulted?that she's pitying her son,that I'm alienating him from his siblings etc and all sorts of things.I was shocked cos it was totally not called for.Me that normally encourages hubby to do things for them,monetary,material etc She has apologised but things can NEVER be the same again.
I blame myself,simple.My parents blamed me too.Omo! I just fell in line o.Im now an O YES member.Even if dem wan enter ditch,I will say okayy.
|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 1:25am On Jul 18, 2014
In retrospect, I shouldn't have been so vocal.
It really is nice to vent!
|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by bellong: 1:36pm On Jul 18, 2014
Then put her where she belongs. If you deal justly with her, your conscience will be free from guilt and time will vindicate you. No one can please everybody but we can be just and fair to all.
The bolded, only men frail at heart sit on the fence when there is need to take a stand. Men generally are logical and not emotional with issues except those still tied to their mum's wrapper. If any member of my family misbehaves to my wife, he or she will be corrected as occasion demands and same to my wife. Equity, fairness and being just are keys to successful relationship. You may be resented at the initial phase but time will vindicate you for your just actions.
|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by pickabeau1: 2:06pm On Jul 18, 2014
real issues here
Hubby has 75 percent of the issue
Since he is not stepping up. dont get yourself worked up
Live in peace with her and help her as much as you can during her pregnancy and birth (sister to sister) so tha your conscience will be clear
You dont want them to label you
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|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by PastorAji(m): 3:30pm On Jul 18, 2014
will be back
|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 3:36pm On Jul 18, 2014
Easier said than done OOO..It's sooo difficult.
Snazzy honestly I'd tell you to face front as well and do what you need to do,nothing extra.you are pregnant as well so it's not like you should be stressing yourself.
Dealing justly with the offender will likely cause more problems for you if you are a woman.Just treatment here is telling her look I don't like your attitude etc but when you check the character of the offender,it may just be best to ignore.
It is so painful cos even reporting to the hubby is pure waste of time since he will try to avoid any confrontation leaving you to bear the brunt.
In the end you are on your own.You can only do just treatment when you have a husband that will back you up.
Unfortunately this sort of scenario when you feel all alone only leads to unburdening to your people when you can't take it any more.
In my scenario,hubby is excellent,my family love him as well but he avoids confrontation like a plague.NEVER ever takes a stand..
I made the choice,have to live with it..I just will not sacrifice my happiness anymore for people who are undeserving.Im not JESUS.
|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by bellong: 3:53pm On Jul 18, 2014
But we are aspiring to become HIM daily...
If the just treatment involves you ignoring those that deserve it, go ahead and do it. I have learnt to always bear the consequences of my decisions, actions and inactions including relationship with others.
We have one life to live, live it right and damn whatever any will say. With time you would be left alone.
|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by zeb04(f): 4:20pm On Jul 18, 2014
Hmmm reading all the post here. How do you behave nice to someone you really resent. How do you clean up after an adult who just lazies about.....that is like giving a pat at the back.*hey gal keep lying on the couch,I don't mind cleaning your poo*.(Am sorry,that is a wrong advice).
My opinion,you are not mrs goody two shoes. If you cannot put people where they belong,learn to bear the consequences.
Most husbands are not confrontational but they don't crucify their wives for being one.
Am not married so I don't know much but this is my opinion.
|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Nobody: 4:35pm On Jul 18, 2014
Hahahahahahaha I knew you'd mention being like Jesus...
Trust me when I say you can be nice to someone you resent.I am now an expert at it.Basic niceness not over extending myself kind of niceness.
Husband isn't confrontational,won't crucify you but will leave you to bear the heat alone.In some situations it's best to avoid anything that will lead to feeling that heat at all and that's why I decided to join the o Yes members.
The day I'll explode shaaaa hehehehehehehehehe
|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by zeb04(f): 4:38pm On Jul 18, 2014
hispinkolo: @bellong,very well then. All the best sis.
|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by FINA4804(f): 4:47pm On Jul 18, 2014
It is good to share experince, now i know though it has not happened to me but i have to be careful.i can not stand wahala from inlaws it is better to stay on your own.
|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by FINA4804(f): 4:57pm On Jul 18, 2014
My dear if it were to be me, since you have a maid that has made things easier, let your normal routine continue,even if she does not do anything don't bother yourself send your maid, she cannot eat then tell you to come and take the plate.Relate with her as a sister no too much familiarity, if you have a job it makes things easier.if you don't have a job look far things to keep you busy, be careful don't talj too much with her so that you will not mistakingly say what you are not supposed to say.
snazzylove: Let me start by sharing this experience with you guys.
|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by pickabeau1: 5:05pm On Jul 18, 2014
I know it is..but it is better she lives in peace cos if anything happens to that girl.. na she dem go call ooo
She is also taken in.. so she does not need stress... high bp and pregnancy dont mix well ooo
|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by GboyegaD(m): 5:21pm On Jul 18, 2014
Very brilliant topic.
Snazzy, I suggest you lay your rules when she comes. Let her know if she wants to stay in your house, she must abide by your rules and please, those rules must satisfy the golden rule of "do unto others as you want them to do to you". Let your husband be aware as well before her arrival of your intentions and trust me, both him and the sister will comply. The girl no fit do too much shakara as she no get any to make again. Also, please try as much as you can to take the best care of her but please, ensure there are boundaries so that she doesn't display unnecessary excesses.
|Re: Counselling: Strictly For Couples And Intending Couples! by Godspearl(f): 5:43pm On Jul 18, 2014
Family and inlaw trouble can b so annoying,My hubby's family had a meeting and my hubby's immediate broda talked abt me dt I don't usually participate wheneva they have party dt I jst come like a guest.I wasn't bodad cuz I knew its d wife dt told him all dt jst bcuz wen my brodainlaw was graduating from seminary I dint help her personally wit cookin I sent my maid to help... fast forward yesterday my brodainlaws wife called dt she wants to do a surprise bday party fr her husband.(d husbands bday is july 30 bt she wants to do d party 3rd august) which falls on my hubby's bday. What shld I do as I don't want dere wahala again.
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