bodashee: ThankGod he did something about the situation on time. Kai....I pray with this my hothead I can handle issues maturely. With someone like my type....dey won't beg the SIL before she goes by the time I start oversalting her food regularly.

My dear , when it comes to In law matter you have to do things in such a way that if you enter a court of law,you will be absolved of all blame.
Over salting food constantly will look suspicious..I'd rather poke holes in mosquito nets in her room so that the quitoes go chop am day in day out.How will I ever be caught?Am I a mosquito? ..This is just an illustration oo..You just have to learn to pass your message indirectly.

What I learnt is that I have to be verry subtle if I feel the need to attack/defend myself or simply turn the heat on hubby..

I have come to realise that this whole treat them like your brother,treat them like your sister no dey work especially when the people involved act like stubborn grasshoppers.I have resolved to give that privilege only to people who deserve it.As I said before,I am not Jesus.

Best is to be polite,respectful and courteous..from afar till you know if they really look at you as a real part of them..When people accept you as you are,you know it.Its in the way they address you,the way they listen to you,the way they act towards you.


@elektra
Pray for lovely inlaws,they exist.

.................

hispinkolo:

My dear , when it comes to In law matter you have to do things in such a way that if you enter a court of law,you will be absolved of all blame.
Over salting food constantly will look suspicious..I'd rather poke holes in mosquito nets in her room so that the quitoes go chop am day in day out.How will I ever be caught?Am I a mosquito? ..This is just an illustration oo..You just have to learn to pass your message indirectly.

What I learnt is that I have to be verry subtle if I feel the need to attack/defend myself or simply turn the heat on hubby..

I have come to realise that this whole treat them like your brother,treat them like your sister no dey work especially when the people involved act like stubborn grasshoppers.I have resolved to give that privilege only to people who deserve it.As I said before,I am not Jesus.

Best is to be polite,respectful and courteous..from afar till you know if they really look at you as a real part of them..When people accept you as you are,you know it.Its in the way they address you,the way they listen to you,the way they act towards you.


@elektra
Pray for lovely inlaws,they exist.

Hispinkolo I really gbadu your way oo. Kip it up, and all these in-laws wahala will gradually flee . Like u said all these treat them as ur broda, treat them as your sister thing doesn't work. Is it not when they take you as their own that you can relax and equally see them as yours.
Best thing is love from a distance.

bodashee: That is where the problem is? I guess that is why life is life sha. Sometimes you come accross a sweet man with troublesome family members.....then u leave because of prospective inlaw wahala and probably meet an annoying asshole with a nice family that will always be there to cushion the effects of their sons's misbehaviours.....makes it diff to choose.

That is exactly my experience and utmost fear. Family of ur hubby to be are much more powerful than that of the lady. Imagine them putting so much pressure and unnecessary fear in the young man going as far as wishing death upon themselves just because they don't like their son's choice. I pray that God gives us women d strength to fight this battle and come out victorious cos even before marriage, the battle with in laws have started for some.

hispinkolo:

My dear , when it comes to In law matter you have to do things in such a way that if you enter a court of law,you will be absolved of all blame.
Over salting food constantly will look suspicious..I'd rather poke holes in mosquito nets in her room so that the quitoes go chop am day in day out.How will I ever be caught?Am I a mosquito? ..This is just an illustration oo..You just have to learn to pass your message indirectly.

What I learnt is that I have to be verry subtle if I feel the need to attack/defend myself or simply turn the heat on hubby..

I have come to realise that this whole treat them like your brother,treat them like your sister no dey work especially when the people involved act like stubborn grasshoppers.I have resolved to give that privilege only to people who deserve it.As I said before,I am not Jesus.

Best is to be polite,respectful and courteous..from afar till you know if they really look at you as a real part of them..When people accept you as you are,you know it.Its in the way they address you,the way they listen to you,the way they act towards you.


@elektra
Pray for lovely inlaws,they exist.

Is it advisable to love dem from a distance evn before u marry into their family? Cos I tried it o and they are complaining that I'm too quiet and I don't socialise. Fyi, I stay in lag and they stay in d east. We only see in dec during d hols.

But don't these people....esp the women.....remember that they were once in the same shoes....or will soon be married to another family or whatever the case may be.
Becuz I'm the firstborn in my house and I don't bother my brother's babes. Neither does my mom or my sister. The only time I had to get bitch was cuz the girl came in with a super bitchy attitude. We tried to accept her......but when my always jovial brother started becoming gloomy everyday.....I sent her a strong message "u're not welcome here madam"!

My dear this love from afar is sweater and better, but if you are the boyant type you can call them frquently but too much frequent call is also a problem just be moderate.i used to call my MIL frequently just after marriage, then i was not working no child yet but now i am working and with a child it caused serious problem, i have to stand my ground that i am busy now and cannot be calling everyday thank God she is not too dificult we had to pick a day i will be calling.But this love from afar helps alot.

avuekwe:


Is it advisable to love dem from a distance evn before u marry into their family? Cos I tried it o and they are complaining that I'm too quiet and I don't socialise. Fyi, I stay in lag and they stay in d east. We only see in dec during d hols.

FINA4804: My dear this love from afar is sweater and better, but if you are the boyant type you can call them frquently but too much frequent call is also a problem just be moderate.i used to call my MIL frequently just after marriage, then i was not working no child yet but now i am working and with a child it caused serious problem, i have to stand my ground that i am busy now and cannot be calling everyday thank God she is not too dificult we had to pick a day i will be calling.But this love from afar helps alot.

Pick a day that you will be calling? Are u serious? What if you don't call on dat day, and probably fail to call for so many other dayz, what happens?

avuekwe:


Is it advisable to love dem from a distance evn before u marry into their family? Cos I tried it o and they are complaining that I'm too quiet and I don't socialise. Fyi, I stay in lag and they stay in d east. We only see in dec during d hols.

No one size fits all my dear,but generally I'd say it's better to love from a distance.At least until you study them and see what their attitude is towards you.No need doing unnecessary things cos the day you don't do,it will be held against you.
Everything should be in moderation.Polite,kind,considerate and respectful should be your watchword and even while you do all these,there will definitely be someone who may not be satisfied.
Just do your best and face front. Hopefully,you get into a family of people who genuinely love you and accept you.

avuekwe:


Is it advisable to love dem from a distance evn before u marry into their family? Cos I tried it o and they are complaining that I'm too quiet and I don't socialise. Fyi, I stay in lag and they stay in d east. We only see in dec during d hols.

I loved from afar and never struggled to please, with time they will have no choice than to accept you for who you are.

These SIL n MIL wahala is more prevalent whr U hav many SIL esp (unmarried ones).

Thank God I hav great SILs n My Mum has been a great MIL to dem as well. Only one SIL yet to be married into d family tryin to
be a Judas amngs dem all, buh drilling awaits her sha....

I culd not help buh feel pity for a young lady married to d 1st son of d family of 8 and all living in d same hause, she has three kids for d hubby ohh, just last week she was giving a beaten of d year by the BIL n SIL, all I saw d hubby doin was to just to carry his last kid n look on as his family drill d wife, Kia a young fine lady had a swollen face on dat day.. Some family sha....

hispinkolo:

No one size fits all my dear,but generally I'd say it's better to love from a distance.At least until you study them and see what their attitude is towards you.No need doing unnecessary things cos the day you don't do,it will be held against you.
Everything should be in moderation.Polite,kind,considerate and respectful should be your watchword and even while you do all these,there will definitely be someone who may not be satisfied.
Just do your best and face front. Hopefully,you get into a family of people who genuinely love you and accept you.

My sister, e-hugs for this ur timely advice. I wish I had an elder sis like you but I'm d firstborn so I'm navigating these type of situation alone.

chayooh: @Snazzy and hispinkolo, I identify with you oh! In my case, I am much younger than my in-laws especially because of the age gap between hubby and I. Most times I'm treated like the small girl who doesn't know anything.

same

Seriously?
Na wa o.
That man deserves to be dumped.

sunvick: I culd not help buh feel pity for a young lady married to d 1st son of d family of 8 and all living in d same hause, she has three kids for d hubby ohh, just last week she was giving a beaten of d year by the BIL n SIL, all I saw d hubby doin was to just to carry his last kid n look on as his family drill d wife, Kia a young fine lady had a swollen face on dat day.. Some family sha....

The whole wahala starts when u dont have a spouse with a "strong" mind as in one who cant stand up to his or her family.

hispinkolo: Snazzy,
Very well handled,Kudos to you.You have tried.

Bodashee thanks oo.I'm watching him closely these days though I will try my possible best to avoid any interaction that will lead to him needing to say anything for me.

Freecocoa
My dear,you don't have a voice in my new family.My SILs can sew dress,same cloth,same style and force you to wear it at a family event.They call it family decision.If you resist, them say you are feeling too big and should be grateful they are helping you out .I believe they also like to think they are fashionable..No comment. . I just look and laugh inside.

Heywhyho,
Join the o yes club..if they attach Bros/Sir/Oga to call themselves in their family,just get in line.You can cuss him out in your mind if you want.depends largely on their culture..remember that calling sister ,brother,whatever doesn't take anything from you.
I call my SILs Sister A or B even though I feel a rise of bile in my throat each time I see them.Even greeting them in the morning gives me heartburn.

We all have to pretend my dear but we all know the truth..I'd rather have my teeth pulled without anaesthesia than spend a second in their company.

Chayoooo
Sorry oo..best keep your distance for your own good.

. Wicked woman.

cococandy: Seriously?
Na wa o.
That man deserves to be dumped.

Whr does she waner go? She is a housewife n she aint doin anyfin. It could hav been easier if she had a little biz or job.

Loo n behold she is still der wif them ohhh.

But you know the men don't make things easy in situations like these. Because I'm sure if the tables are turned and its the wife hitting or illtreating their sisters, they will talk o.........
Later when resentment sets in and a woman can't stand her husbands guts again for something like this.......the men will start shouting foul play.
I do pray God doesn't give me a test like this.....I'm very special to myself......and because of that, nobody can treat me anyhow. Subtle punishment will be their lot walahi.

please I have an urgent question about getting a marriage
certificate without the groom or the bride around.
I Don't know if the court will allow my parents and my partner's parent to stand in for us.

After reading Snazzylove's and some other stories here,i really thank God for my family. My MIL,SIL,BIL are very sweet people. My MIL is the very best in the world,very beautiful and kind. I advise singles to pray for love in the families they will be married into. However it should be noted that some DILs are the ones that do start troubles in their new home. As a new wife, you will hear gossips about your new family,what you do about it will give you either peace or war. If MILs should enter this forum with their own stories,am sure nairaland will crash again. Women are their own worst enemies. I know a certain grandDIL that her 90yr old grandMIL cooks,clean and fetch water for and the stupid girl do beat the woman up regularly. And yet she was living in the old mama's house.Well a day came,a neighbour reported her and she was taught the lesson of a century. There are some new wives that are proud and insultive esp when their husband is rich(the i have it all everybody is under my feet type). Some wives are not wise in handling issues. I once lived with a cousin whose wife fought me as if am her enemy and her husband started and fueled the crises. What this woman never knew was that her husband (my supposedly cousin) was spining all those lies against me because i refused to sleep with him. Funny enough she never asked herself why her husband will be instigating war against a member of his own family(not normal right?). Some wives oppose their husband from supporting his aged parents while he support hers. While MILs are most times presented as wicked,they are DILs of yesterday and DILs of today are MILs of tomorrow. If we all can show love and forgiveness the family will be enjoyable.

True

Amhappy: After reading Snazzylove's and some other stories here,i really thank God for my family. My MIL,SIL,BIL are very sweet people. My MIL is the very best in the world,very beautiful and kind. I advise singles to pray for love in the families they will be married into. However it should be noted that some DILs are the ones that do start troubles in their new home. As a new wife, you will hear gossips about your new family,what you do about it will give you either peace or war. If MILs should enter this forum with their own stories,am sure nairaland will crash again. Women are their own worst enemies. I know a certain grandDIL that her 90yr old grandMIL cooks,clean and fetch water for and the stupid girl do beat the woman up regularly. And yet she was living in the old mama's house.Well a day came,a neighbour reported her and she was taught the lesson of a century. There are some new wives that are proud and insultive esp when their husband is rich(the i have it all everybody is under my feet type). Some wives are not wise in handling issues. I once lived with a cousin whose wife fought me as if am her enemy and her husband started and fueled the crises. What this woman never knew was that her husband (my supposedly cousin) was spining all those lies against me because i refused to sleep with him. Funny enough she never asked herself why her husband will be instigating war against a member of his own family(not normal right?). Some wives oppose their husband from supporting his aged parents while he support hers. While MILs are most times presented as wicked,they are DILs of yesterday and DILs of today are MILs of tomorrow. If we all can show love and forgiveness the family will be enjoyable.

snazzylove: Let me start by sharing this experience with you guys.
I have a nicely difficult set of in-laws, always right, quick to condemn or judge my actions inactions, words and even thoughts. Lol.
Sometime ago a sister in-law came to my house to stay and carry out her 6months industrial training. This arrangement was made without consulting me, point number one. Well, she came, her stay was not fun for me one bit. She doesn't respect me as her brothers wife nor as an elder sister. She goes out and come in the way she likes, she does no house chores no matter how small it is. I do the cooking for her while my little help does the house cleaning. At a point I had to complain to my hubby concerning her attitude, but guess what, he saw nothing wrong with it, at a point he told me categorically that I hated the sister and didn't want her in my house. Who knows what he told the little sister, cos that one in turn grew to become very saucy and disrespectful. To save myself the insult and heartache I decided to start minding my business.
Then something happened, on a saturday morning, she met me at the balcony, managed to utter a gudmorning which I equally managed to answer, and told me she wants to go to the church for confession, ok, I nodded. And that was it. She left the house and didn't come back. Everyone was worried including me, until we found out that she travelled to the north to be with her sister.
What happened? Why? Datz d question on everybodys lips. One week later it was revealed that she got pregnant for one irresponsible and jobless boy.
Now the big challenge. The family did not want to give her away in marriage to the boy, neither do they want to abort the pregnancy, and she cannot even stay with the parents and carry her pregnancy cos they are 'stunch catholics' who doesn't want their image tarnished.
The last and only resorts was for her to stay in my house until she puts to bed then the family can now think of what to do with the baby. As usual they discussed and concluded (without consulting me) to bring her down to my house to have her baby after spending some months with the sister in the north. They only called to inform me on the day she will be coming down.
I managed the situation.
But I need your contributions on what you would have done if it were to be you.
I will still share with you all how I resolved it.

I think your husband doesn't respect you or he's the old school type. but our mothers experienced worse in those days... those that endure among dem were the good women on the long run... be more tolerant as a good housewife

@snazzy love & hispinkolo, so happy it all ended well ahhh thank God............hmmmmm marriage & some in laws share........it is well.

The love from afar is the best o

My dear thank God for wisdom, i call most times on sunday, my sister i had a deep thought about it then i advised myself my inlaws are ok in every other way, so i was like if it is call that wil cause the misunderstanding then its not worth it because i can at least recharge.so most times on sunday after church i wil bring my children together then will we all call grandma.This life you have to be very carefull dealing with them this style is working for me.

snazzylove:

Pick a day that you will be calling? Are u serious? What if you don't call on dat day, and probably fail to call for so many other dayz, what happens? For me I call at my convenience and when am in the mood to gist. Am not the talking type, so I wonder what I'll even be dicussing, say if am to be calling once or twice in a week.
I used to call my MIL a lot but when I discovered that she doesn't even call me to ask how we are doing except if she has a request or an instruction to issue, I tactically reduced my own calls to only when its necessary.

For couples = those who have been GBENSHING!
"INTENDING COUPLES" = those using "IDEA" to wanna PHOCK!

OYA CONTINUE!!!
*© DPJ* (Dame Patience Jonathan)

Coming across this thread has been a blessing. I am glad you guys are happy now @Snazzy & @Hosp... And you will continue
My marraige will happen in a few months time, and following this thread is good for me. I and my Wife-to-be have already talked about this and agreed to set standards and limit, but I thank God I come from a God fearing family and respectful people and,so does she tho our fathers can be funny atimes... lol, but our mothers are amazing. They pray for our marriage even almost more than we pray for ourselves.
I and my WTB are the first in our families respectively and there is some quality age difference between us and the younger ones, so by God's grace and wisdom, we will not have any issues from them, and certainly will not give them any, but love. My mother is an amazing woman. So loved my woman that she feels so @ home, and trust me, my woman is amazing when you show her love. She no dey like wahala, and my family has none to offer.
Me and her mom are 5&6, I do apreciate her for giving birth to this my amazing damsel WTB.
Well, God heard my prayer a long time ago, cos I really prayed that God gives me a virtuous woman just like my mom and He did it. I will advice we still deal with stuffs like in-laws and all with prayers and wisdom. Not been there but sent my time making it well, so as for marraige and inlaws... It must be good for us... Shallom!

@Hispinkin

SIL Sowing clothes for you ? Tell me you are kidding .

Why would someone grown allow such rubbish?

@onegig,
I am not exaggerating.
They are a family of 6, 2 girls and 4 boys..the girls are the eldest.Im married to the 2nd to last child.
The issue happened at the wedding of the eldest son who just happened to marry late..
The 2 SILs told my MIL to tell us we were all wearing the same thing and they have decided on the cloth and style and we would be getting ours ASAP.
I was shocked beyond belief and immediately told my MIL that I didn't agree with that as it was taking things a bit too far and without even asking me first?I contacted my co wives to ask what they thought and they all were upset at being forced to wear same cloth,same style..If it was same cloth different styles,they were okay,but same style??NEHIIII.
I told my hubby and he was with me and told me to do what I want.To cut the story short,MIL called me and I said under no circumstance will I agree..then she started shouting on me that I'm feeling too big,who am I to be consulted.That it's not my event,that it's her sons wedding and the family has decided on what will happen..That the SILs are doing us a favor.That I'm the only one with a problem as my co wives see no issue with it..
Infact ehh,I was shocked as the co wives were grumbling to me and pretending Infront of them.Even my BILs were shouting on me,telling me I must conform and bend to whatever the family has said.

At first my parents told me to reject this,but later they mellowed and said it's their family and what i want doesn't count..this was after MIL called me to shout on me.
It just felt like the world was against me,hubby was just there looking and blaming me for talking to them at all.He said I should have ignored them,gone to my tailor and sewed anything then appear on the wedding day like that BUT I thought to myself,if i do this,will this man be able to stand up for me if they do family meeting or gang up to scream at me?My answer was maybe maybe not so I just decided with my parents to collect the sewn cloth and wear it like that..
I was already tired of being attacked from all angles as the family destroyer coming to cause confusion.Mil said if I try it hubby would be ostracised from his siblings etc..all sorts of things.

.They haven't had guts to say anything to my face cos of the family I'm from.I believe if my parents are not who they are,the SILs would have tried to maybe be physically aggressive or try to show me their power in some form.I don't know for sure because na them do holy holy church church pass.Infact anyone coming to me these days and claiming Christian,I just have my hackles up.
I also believe that it's the reason why MIL is taking the conciliatory stance.
All they can do is eye me,back bite,gossip and deal with their brother.

I'm done with the lot of them though.I don't blame the co wives o they have to join the winning team.I have cut off their backstabbing behinds.Only necessary discussion and that's 3 sentences tops.Same with Mil&Bils minimal conversation.SILs,no conversation at all.Just good morning and good bye.

Arms length and face front.
I have forgiven my hubby and he has promised me to be better at protecting my interest..I believe him

@megmindmaster
God bless you all o!it is well

Imurboss,
Study your own and interact with them accordingly

@dorosola,
Sorry,I dunno the answer to your Q

@avuekwe
I'm the same as you..Make sure you read everyone's story and glean as much as you can also bearing in mind that you may have excellent inlaws..If they are lovely,please embrace them..If they are like mine....put on your trainers and become usain avuekwe bolt !

@hipsinkolo, now that I understand what happened.....in a way I also believe you went about doing the wrong thing the right way.
While I don't think you should av worn the stupid "same style" (cuz it wld have paved way for smaller indignities).....I don't think you should have confronted them head on.
If someone tries to force to wear something I don't like....if its ankara, I'll pour bleach on it, if its white I pour ink of pen, just make sure an irredeemable stain finds it way on the cloth......or sometimes I put it inside water on the morning I need it......till its so wet I can't wear it again.
When I show up wearing what I like.....- blame it on the "unfortunate stains on my beautiful cloth"..........if the person likes, he or she shld die.....you wld have made sure you didn't wear what they dictated...and it won't b any fault of urs.
It never fails to work for me.

Yes,I agree.I shouldn't have even bothered to say anything..
I thought well and hard and knew that if I didn't wear the sewn cloth,they would raise hell so I thought it would be best to ask that we collect the cloth and sew whatever we want.

Remember that at this point I considered myself a part of the family,and MIL as my mother,co wives as my sisters so I felt we could say no to what we didn't want,after all I'm from a family where majority and ballots carry the vote. I found it absurd that such a thing could be done.I didn't go head on at first till MIL paid me a visit early in the morning and told me I had no right to be consulted.

My family told me to wear a different cloth ONLY if my hubby is in support.Knowing him,I felt it would be dicey so I just did as they wanted.
Good thing is that I now understand the 'family' dynamics thoroughly.
As I said,even if I see them falling into den of lions,not my bizniz..

I genuinely loved my MIL so when we pay the obligatory visit,I have to remind myself of what she did so that I don't say much to her except the necessary.I will get used to it though..

I wonder if anyone has gone through the same thing

@hispinkolo, I've had my own share of in laws troubles, I've studied them & understood them as they have also shown me the stuff they're made of early enough. So I've learnt to keep them at arms learnt.

I've experienced some of the things you went through too & that was when my marriage was just 8mths.Sil (far younger to me)just invited their family members one early morning without prior notice to come over to our house to come & judge me because they believed I came to snatch something away from them. My dear,it took the grace of God for the marriage to still continue till this stage. Today if I look back I continue to bless God but I see a lot of regret on their faces. It is well