If he works for one of those off shore companies,I'm aware that they always conduct HIV testing before and after every trip.
Or at least once in a year.

If you won't just take his word for it,
ask for the result and you have yours handy too. (He's supposed to give it to you before you even ask) but if he doesn't,ask for it.

But if he has never given you reason to doubt his fidelity,don't hound him.

Agrika: Been following silently, mehn these women are the real deal as in the real Warrior Queens, omo una don begin dey make me fear oo as per this cheating and HIV tinz cos us na every 3-4 months we dey see our hubby.

hoynlorlar: @op,u ar doing a great job here.I read frm page1-5 buh I nid to write moi story too.Am frm a nuclear family and d only girl.I got married just last year december.lemme cut the long story short.my inlaws ar great..dey ar gud to do call.Even my mil is d best 4 now cos changes is d most constant tin in life.
My husband on d oda side is moi problem...wen we were dating,he was d best buh just four month after our marriage he started dis temper tin which I dont undastd...any small tin he flares up..to the point dt he beat me up just four month afta d wedding(I was 7 month pregnant wen I married)I called his mother n my mother and told dem abt wat appened..dey adviced us and talk to him..I hate wat he dd to me buh I ddnt av choice dan to forgive(marriage is far diff frm relationshp).To wat happened.
Just last week,he was off duty...in d nite i cooked beans..d beans was done buh I wanted it to b more thick buh he insisted dt I serve him like dt...so I dd n took d food to him witout putting tray so immediately I saw dt nepa av brought lite plus d beans is still on fire and I av to off d gen too.i was stretching d food to him(d dish was hot too..it was burning moi hand)he ddnt collect it said I shud put tray..i was so pissed so I shouted take den put it on d floor..immediately(moi cousin which is wit us just for visiting o) she ran to take d tray n I went to switch off d gen n change to nepa..afta all dis moi wahala he ddnt eat d food dt nite o..i was so embarrased in frnt of moi cousin.Days afta,it was in d evening,i sent moi cousin to buy tinx 4 me..I was asking im abt our money allowance n he flared up..i flared up too den he said I shud shut up n nt talk..den I talked..he just came near me n started hitting me.i now said I wee call his mother n report him.immediately he collected moi BlackBerry forcefully n said he wee smash it on d floor..i begged n den he took my small nokia and smashed it on d floor..immediately I arranged d scattered fone n on it but d fone ddnt on..den I kept quiet.The next day,i gave im d fone to repair..he was still moody,he ddnt collect it n ddnt repair...to cut moi long story short..i cooked dt same day he ddnt eat.
I know dt all dis is nt normal...wat do u tink I shud do?wu do u tink I shud report to?am so tired of everytin amd I dnt want dis to continue.Candid advice frm nt only married buh matured pple pls.

Your marriage is still very young to be experiencing such situation, but then again, crises in marriage can start as early as on the wedding night.

First, don't go reporting to anyone again, he may not like it. Thank God you dated him and he was not like this, so definately something snapped in him. The reality of being married and now a father (sure your baby has arrived) may have jolted him into a sad reality. Its not everyone (men especially) that reacts positively to such things immediately, to some it takes a long time to really sink down, that yes am now married and a father, to others they welcome it with a lot of love for the baby and the mother
Sadly it seems ur hussy fall into the first category.
What do you do?
Please take it easy on him, show him a lot of love and respect, don't snap back when he snaps or is acting up. His friends may have told him that marriage is a prison and women nags the life out of the man, those things will kip replaying in his subconscious mind, and it will make him to keep looking out for where you talk back at him or challenge him (intentionally or unintentionally). You need to start massaging his ego.

For the beating, I don't subscribe to abuse (physical or verba). They say real men don't beat women. No matter how much you push him he was suppose to apply restraint. But where he has failed to do so, u need to change your strategy. I'll tell you a story that my momma told me about a woman whose husband always beat.

A particular woman went to seek help from a native doctor to make the husband desist from beating her all the time. After listening to her story, the native doctor gave her a concoction in a bottle and told her that anytime the man starts acting up, she should put the concoction in her mouth and should not swallow or spit it out until the man is calm. He told her to try it for one week and see if the man will beat her. After one week she went back to the native doctor very happy and told the man that the 'juju' is wonderful, that the husband never touched her again, infact he was surprised at her change of attitude. She demanded one gallon of the 'juju' from the native doctor to continue using on the husband. The native doctor told her there was nothing like 'juju' in the bottle, that it was ordinary water he gave to her, he told her to go back home and learn how to keep quiet when the hubby starts acting up.

In essence, from your post its obvious you talk back to him and probably challenge him when he's talking, about the beans issue, if you had politely told him to please hold the food while you get the tray, or apologise and go put the food in the tray am not sure he wolud have abandoned the food. Plus the fact that your cousin was there, he'll feel that you are disrespecting him in the presence of your cousin. Learn to be more matured and diplomatic in handling issues with him, and pls stop telling him you'll report him to anybody, cos you are actually making him feel like a boy that cannot handle his affairs.

If you've done everything internally and its not working, then you'll need to involve a third party but for now, work on yourself and your relationship with him. So that whatever negative opinion he has formed about marriage generally and you in particular will gradually fade away.

I wish you the best in your marriage.

beeevan:



Not excusing your husband but it seems you have an attitude problem, lacks manner of approach. Please I do not mean this in an insulting way but just trying to figure out what irritates him so much about you.


Ponder on this, will be back to comment fully as my desks are full.

I dnt get u?d question u asked is wat av been asking my sef..I av been asking im for d allowance before dt day..buh he wont ansa despite d fact dt I know he has been paid.

hoynlorlar: Just last week,he was off duty...in d nite i cooked beans..d beans was done buh I wanted it to b more thick buh he insisted dt I serve him like dt...so I dd n took d food to him witout putting tray so immediately I saw dt nepa av brought lite plus d beans is still on fire and I av to off d gen too.i was stretching d food to him(d dish was hot too..it was burning moi hand)he ddnt collect it said I shud put tray..i was so pissed so I shouted take den put it on d floor..immediately(moi cousin which is wit us just for visiting o) she ran to take d tray n I went to switch off d gen n change to nepa..afta all dis moi wahala he ddnt eat d food dt nite o..

how come you are the one to go off the generator? your cousin could have helped with that or you leave the gen on till you are through with what you were doing. All the ish about putting food on the floor would have been avoided......you don't have to do everything by yourself

hoynlorlar: I dnt get u?d question u asked is wat av been asking my sef..I av been asking im for d allowance before dt day..buh he wont ansa despite d fact dt I know he has been paid.

Are you a full time house wife?

hoynlorlar: *i dnt tink u ar married*

OK don't endure then

cococandy: If he works for one of those off shore companies,I'm aware that they always conduct HIV testing before and after every trip.
Or at least once in a year.

If you won't just take his word for it,
ask for the result and you have yours handy too. (He's supposed to give it to you before you even ask) but if he doesn't,ask for it.

But if he has never given you reason to doubt his fidelity,don't hound him.

Hmmmm I don't trust those offshore workers...90% of them are flirts.
Am married to one so I know.
Social media makes it so easy for them.
Not trying to scare you but please be wise and be prepared. You may be lucky if your guy is amongst the other 10%.

hoynlorlar: @op,u ar doing a great job here.I read frm page1-5 buh I nid to write moi story too.Am frm a nuclear family and d only girl.I got married just last year december.lemme cut the long story short.my inlaws ar great..dey ar gud to do call.Even my mil is d best 4 now cos changes is d most constant tin in life.
My husband on d oda side is moi problem...wen we were dating,he was d best buh just four month after our marriage he started dis temper tin which I dont undastd...any small tin he flares up..to the point dt he beat me up just four month afta d wedding(I was 7 month pregnant wen I married)I called his mother n my mother and told dem abt wat appened..dey adviced us and talk to him..I hate wat he dd to me buh I ddnt av choice dan to forgive(marriage is far diff frm relationshp).To wat happened.
Just last week,he was off duty...in d nite i cooked beans..d beans was done buh I wanted it to b more thick buh he insisted dt I serve him like dt...so I dd n took d food to him witout putting tray so immediately I saw dt nepa av brought lite plus d beans is still on fire and I av to off d gen too.i was stretching d food to him(d dish was hot too..it was burning moi hand)he ddnt collect it said I shud put tray..i was so pissed so I shouted take den put it on d floor..immediately(moi cousin which is wit us just for visiting o) she ran to take d tray n I went to switch off d gen n change to nepa..afta all dis moi wahala he ddnt eat d food dt nite o..i was so embarrased in frnt of moi cousin.Days afta,it was in d evening,i sent moi cousin to buy tinx 4 me..I was asking im abt our money allowance n he flared up..i flared up too den he said I shud shut up n nt talk..den I talked..he just came near me n started hitting me.i now said I wee call his mother n report him.immediately he collected moi BlackBerry forcefully n said he wee smash it on d floor..i begged n den he took my small nokia and smashed it on d floor..immediately I arranged d scattered fone n on it but d fone ddnt on..den I kept quiet.The next day,i gave im d fone to repair..he was still moody,he ddnt collect it n ddnt repair...to cut moi long story short..i cooked dt same day he ddnt eat.
I know dt all dis is nt normal...wat do u tink I shud do?wu do u tink I shud report to?am so tired of everytin amd I dnt want dis to continue.Candid advice frm nt only married buh matured pple pls.

I feel for you and what you must be going through, i think the problem is your husband never loved you, he only agreed to get married because you were pregnant. It seems he is feeling trapped and taking out his frustration on you. BTW, why was it that you are the one to switch off the gen?, your husband should have taken care of that or even your cousin.

I don't think it's a question of whether hubby loves her or not. Both of them need to work on themselves just like Beevan and Snazzylove rightly said. There are times when love alone cannot hold a marriage together.

honey86:
I feel for you and what you must be going through, i think the problem is your husband never loved you, he only agreed to get married because you were pregnant. It seems he is feeling trapped and taking out his frustration on you. BTW, why was it that you are the one to switch off the gen?, your husband should have taken care of that or even your cousin.

@Wedon, this your friend's neighbour's story is heartbreaking. I've been trying to put myself in her situation and wondering what I would have done if I were the one. Very difficult situation I must say. I just can't imagine the beating before sex that should be something of great excitement. I'm sure she doesn't look forward to sex with her husband @ all. Honestly, this one is beyond me. Let's wait for other posters to suggest a way forward for the woman. It is well!

Wow!!! I've been following dis thread since day One nd its been really learning nd wisdom nuggets for me, @Wedon, the man beating his wife before sex is a form of psychological problem,he seriously needs help before a disaster happens.

FynBabe: @Wedon, this your friend's neighbour's story is heartbreaking. I've been trying to put myself in her situation and wondering what I would have done if I were the one. Very difficult situation I must say. I just can't imagine the beating before sex that should be something of great excitement. I'm sure she doesn't look forward to sex with her husband @ all. Honestly, this one is beyond me. Let's wait for other posters to suggest a way forward for the woman. It is well!

I think her husby is in2 BDSM.. Its kind of savage-like mode of sexual gratification derived 4rm pain or discomfort.. But make d lady wear boxing glove nau to counter punch im punches(do try diz at home)

Y

beeevan:



Not excusing your husband but it seems you have an attitude problem, lacks manner of approach. Please I do not mean this in an insulting way but just trying to figure out what irritates him so much about you.


Ponder on this, will be back to comment fully as my desks are full.

ponder on wat?ur advice makes me feel sumaw buh tnx anyway..I dnt lack manners buh I know God is control sha.

snazzylove:

Your marriage is still very young to be experiencing such situation, but then again, crises in marriage can start as early as on the wedding night.

First, don't go reporting to anyone again, he may not like it. Thank God you dated him and he was not like this, so definately something snapped in him. The reality of being married and now a father (sure your baby has arrived) may have jolted him into a sad reality. Its not everyone (men especially) that reacts positively to such things immediately, to some it takes a long time to really sink down, that yes am now married and a father, to others they welcome it with a lot of love for the baby and the mother
Sadly it seems ur hussy fall into the first category.
What do you do?
Please take it easy on him, show him a lot of love and respect, don't snap back when he snaps or is acting up. His friends may have told him that marriage is a prison and women nags the life out of the man, those things will kip replaying in his subconscious mind, and it will make him to keep looking out for where you talk back at him or challenge him (intentionally or unintentionally). You need to start massaging his ego.

For the beating, I don't subscribe to abuse (physical or verba). They say real men don't beat women. No matter how much you push him he was suppose to apply restraint. But where he has failed to do so, u need to change your strategy. I'll tell you a story that my momma told me about a woman whose husband always beat.

A particular woman went to seek help from a native doctor to make the husband desist from beating her all the time. After listening to her story, the native doctor gave her a concoction in a bottle and told her that anytime the man starts acting up, she should put the concoction in her mouth and should not swallow or spit it out until the man is calm. He told her to try it for one week and see if the man will beat her. After one week she went back to the native doctor very happy and told the man that the 'juju' is wonderful, that the husband never touched her again, infact he was surprised at her change of attitude. She demanded one gallon of the 'juju' from the native doctor to continue using on the husband. The native doctor told her there was nothing like 'juju' in the bottle, that it was ordinary water he gave to her, he told her to go back home and learn how to keep quiet when the hubby starts acting up.

In essence, from your post its obvious you talk back to him and probably challenge him when he's talking, about the beans issue, if you had politely told him to please hold the food while you get the tray, or apologise and go put the food in the tray am not sure he wolud have abandoned the food. Plus the fact that your cousin was there, he'll feel that you are disrespecting him in the presence of your cousin. Learn to be more matured and diplomatic in handling issues with him, and pls stop telling him you'll report him to anybody, cos you are actually making him feel like a boy that cannot handle his affairs.

If you've done everything internally and its not working, then you'll need to involve a third party but for now, work on yourself and your relationship with him. So that whatever negative opinion he has formed about marriage generally and you in particular will gradually fade away.

I wish you the best in your marriage.

tnx so much 4 dis advice...am relieved.

honey86:
I feel for you and what you must be going through, i think the problem is your husband never loved you, he only agreed to get married because you were pregnant. It seems he is feeling trapped and taking out his frustration on you. BTW, why was it that you are the one to switch off the gen?, your husband should have taken care of that or even your cousin.

never?we were serious wit our courtship...I told u we had a great relationshp.moreova We av planed to marry dis year b4 I got pregnant last year..he went 4 nyt duty and afta dt nyt duty he also went 4 his weekend programme dt makes him tired.tnk u

lamps011:
OK don't endure then

u ar insultive

hoynlorlar: u ar insultive

Hey girl take it easy. This is exactly where the problem is from.
You talk to much and want to reply everything said to you.
Just mellow, and you will see yourself enjoying your hubby.

Godmystrength: how come you are the one to go off the generator? your cousin could have helped with that or you leave the gen on till you are through with what you were doing. All the ish about putting food on the floor would have been avoided......you don't have to do everything by yourself

Are you a full time house wife?

No and yes..am serving..My cousin was wit moi baby.

Ilovenigeria:
Hey girl take it easy. This is exactly where the problem is from.
You talk to much and want to reply everything said to you.
Just mellow, and you will see yourself enjoying your hubby.

pls wat do u mean

hoynlorlar: pls wat do u mean

ok I get u now...u gave a gud advice...buh ur 1st paragraph makes me regret posting on dis section.

hoynlorlar: pls wat do u mean

We love you, we all want your marriage to work so be patient and take any advice that will be given here.
Even when some criticisms seem harsh believe me it's for your own good. God will see you through dear.

cococandy: If he works for one of those off shore companies,I'm aware that they always conduct HIV testing before and after every trip.
Or at least once in a year.

If you won't just take his word for it,
ask for the result and you have yours handy too. (He's supposed to give it to you before you even ask) but if he doesn't,ask for it.

But if he has never given you reason to doubt his fidelity,don't hound him.

Is not as if I don't trust him at least I know the man I married...is just that the rate at which these type of stories are "flying" about is becoming alarming...in my mum's hospital a man with 4 wives was recently diagnosed of having HIV...the illiterate wives are yet to find out...God Abeg oo protect ur children

Hmmmmm! I wonder how he starts the thing. Is it that when he's in the mood, he picks a quarell with her or he brings his belt and begin 2 whip her or he begins to punch her to submission?I don't get it. How will the woman enjoy that or maybe how she feels doesn't matter. If she decides to leave the marriage on that ground, how would she explain to her people? Very embarrassing and complicated situation.

Mutaino7: I think her husby is in2 BDSM.. Its kind of savage-like mode of sexual gratification derived 4rm pain or discomfort.. But make d lady wear boxing glove nau to counter punch im punches(do try diz at home)

Haynlolar, you have to be patient, when he is loosing it, you have to try control yourself. M not looking at it or talking from the angle of 'its a man,or you are the Woman so you must be the one to be quiet' the question I always ask myself is if he is my brother or sister, will I answer or rreact to every thing he says. but you have to teach him just like someone said earlier, by keeping calm when he is hot.
Secondly, don't report your issues to anyone ever again. Don't!! I don't even report ple even in my everyday life,work etc I try not to do,I treat the f u c k up on my own. So pls.
@all, goodevening. Meanwhile, I get testimony. Loll

@ mamateniola1, abeg share your testimony o! We are waiting!

hoynlorlar: u ar insultive

ok

[quote author=hoynlorlar][/quote]you need to try not to get angry easily. For you to start solving your problem with your marriage, you need to know what is your own problem first so that you can find a solution. You need to grow up fast. You should listen twice or more before you reply. Try to do one thing at a time. Learn to solve your problems yourself not running to mum n mil. Finally ask your husband to tell you the areas he want you to improve on, listen carefully so that you can work on them. What i see as the issue is that your man saw you as a good girl(the type that works around the home alot) but want more after living with you to really see the hasty/immature/unlady part of you. Read good books on marriage and be READY TO LEARN so that you can help him grow too and possibly correct his wrong mentality of beating a woman to prove he is the man. Remember to tell him to show you where you need correction and apologise when you are wrong before moving to another matter.

hispinkolo: @Godmystrength


@Icherishu,
Thanks a lot.I am trying my utmost best cos I know he tries wella.I actually expect help with chores around the house cos we live alone. I definitely don't expect 50/50 chores splitting o cos there are some things I'm better off doing myself.It's just that those days when my body is paining me,my mind starts playing games.

Had to laugh at your hubby putting diaper the wrong way and you praising him.Irriz well with us

Nb, that's why when I de chop some skoin skoin from his people and he's not reacting,I try to remember that he's fantastic in sooo many other ways.

My love if u complain u can't get him to do it again. The thing is praise him first then correction might come later. It happens to me especially when I am bitter about something I will just be snapping. But am learning to let go of the bad blood and forgive him before he even does anything. And I have learnt how to expect less. I am not downgrading myself but actually want to live long.

Floodgater: you need to try not to get angry easily. For you to start solving your problem with your marriage, you need to know what is your own problem first so that you can find a solution. You need to grow up fast. You should listen twice or more before you reply. Try to do one thing at a time. Learn to solve your problems yourself not running to mum n mil. Finally ask your husband to tell you the areas he want you to improve on, listen carefully so that you can work on them. What i see as the issue is that your man saw you as a good girl(the type that works around the home alot) but want more after living with you to really see the hasty/immature/unlady part of you. Read good books on marriage and be READY TO LEARN so that you can help him grow too and possibly correct his wrong mentality of beating a woman to prove he is the man. Remember to tell him to show you where you need correction and apologise when you are wrong before moving to another matter.

tnx dear..may God bless ur home too

My husband is not an offshore worker. Lol
But thanks dear

kokox:
Hmmmm I don't trust those offshore workers...90% of them are flirts.
Am married to one so I know.
Social media makes it so easy for them.
Not trying to scare you but please be wise and be prepared. You may be lucky if your guy is amongst the other 10%.

mamateniola1: Haynlolar, you have to be patient, when he is loosing it, you have to try control yourself. M not looking at it or talking from the angle of 'its a man,or you are the Woman so you must be the one to be quiet' the question I always ask myself is if he is my brother or sister, will I answer or rreact to every thing he says. Just yesterday,he said o didn't pick my call? He got angry n was raking.I even wanted to say y I cldnt, he didn't even listen. I just kept quiet and for our 2 hour drive home,I didn't say a word. He was d one that started looking for my attention much later,begin buy this buy that.I do that most times and sometimes too, he will be d one to keep quiet while I begin rake but you have to teach him just like someone said earlier, by keeping calm when he is hot.
Secondly, don't report your issues to anyone ever again. Don't!! I don't even report ple even in my everyday life,work etc I try not to do,I treat the f u c k up on my own. So pls.
@all, goodevening. Meanwhile, I get testimony. Loll

tnk u dear..May God bless u.

4 wives? Wonders shall never end.
And one or two wives might have a side bobo or bobos too.

Na d truly God go save him ppl

Agrika:
Is not as if I don't trust him at least I know the man I married...is just that the rate at which these type of stories are "flying" about is becoming alarming...in my mum's hospital a man with 4 wives was recently diagnosed of having HIV...the illiterate wives are yet to find out...God Abeg oo protect ur children

lollll.