DIDIVA:


Am glad this is coming from you! So what do you do when you find yourself in this kind of situation as the wife Pls answer o!

Am married to a very wonderful & loving man...man of the people whose only weakness is his Mum. He rather prefers to avoid his mother when he gets tired of her persistent disturbances, switch off his phone & avoid her calls and when she calls through my own line, he asks me to tell her he's not around, instead of looking her in the face and trying to curb her excesses.
So what do you expect the wife to do Pls answer!
.

But meanwhile I need the answers I asked for & the solutions madampinkolo requested for as well.
#PEACE#

@ madampinkolo, I dey feel your pecking order gan. Chop knuckles!!! Its extremely difficult to love unlovely people. All you need do is face front o jari.

eagleeye2:

DIDIVA,
I don't have all the answers. But one thing any guy will tell you is that, it's best you let him handle his family if some kind of frictions come up in his marriage. Whether he will handle it to your satisfaction is another story entirely.
I for one, I hate anything that disturbs my Peace of Mind. So, I chose early to do the confrontation of a thing spell out things the way I want it.
.
.
Now, there is a problem with Madampinkolo's "face front of thing". The problem is, what happens if (God forbid it) the woman finds herself in real need of her in-laws help?
Assuming she gets into a very big fight with DH, and her home is being threatened by the very one who is meant to protect it. Who does she run to? who is in a better position to call DH to order of not the same family that she has been facing front?
.
or assuming DH dies early, but she already has kids from him. who will she be looking up to, to assist? yeah the answer will be her family right....well, I have seen situations where the man's family come to take everything their son has acquired after an early death.
I still suggest that in 'facing front', you shouldn't be so obvious. Because the man's family, still wields a considerable influence at least here in Africa and indeed Nigeria.

Madampinkolo:


What do you think facing front is
When i face front,it means im polite to you,i mind my bizniz,i avoid unecessary discussions or interaction with you,i do my possible best for you BUt will not go the extra mile.I'm facing my family,the people that think the sun shines from my a ss,the people I'm not afraid to be myself with.That's facing FRONT.No more shining teeth like an imbe cile,no more trying to be accepted by contorting my real self or accepting all manner of crap just to let 'peace ' reign.There is a time to ignore and there is a time to speak..O yes member is the name of the game.

Now,you need to understand you are talking to educated women,professionals, women who work and can pull in an income,women who are smart enough to make sure any property /asset is in both spouses names or the names of their children..Women who are the next of kin.

If i have a problem in my marriage,I go for professional counselling.I'd rather my problems are fixed by an unbiased party.And to buttress this,in year 1 of marriage,DH did something to me and I told my MIL,she pushed all blame to me and told me my DH is a baby.Needless to say,till date I have learnt to settle everything with my DH.We talk it out and move on!!

If anything happens to DH,I know i have a solid family to fall back on.I have people who love me and have my back.I have a job.Is it the inlaws who have never given my child a pin since she was born that i'll be expecting to assist me??I laugh in Swahili . Is it SIL that have never called me on my birthday? My BILs and SILs are successful except one,richer than me at the moment sef but i carry myself with dignity and i'm working hard.I do NOT expect jack from them while DH is alive,why would i expect anything if perhaps he's not there?

Brother eagleeye,you don't have a solution for the questions posed to you because you've not been able to answer.You keep saying DH should handle.We have asked you so what happens when DH will not handle? WHAT SHOULD THE WOMAN DO?

It's this 'man's family wields a lot of power' that caused me to always be nice,ignore sh it pushed my way,killing myself to accommodate a bunch of people who don't care about me.It's that crap that caused me to place them above my needs and my own family.Doing whatever they wanted.My salvation came when i put up a bit of resistance and then their true colours came out.I realised i am someone's child abeg..i have excellent parents,aunties,siblings,grandparents who will listen to me rant,who laugh and cry with me.Those are people who deseerve my undiluted attention.
Yes,i still pretend to give a sh it about them to my DH after all they are his family but he knowsss..I still chat on the phone nicely when they call,I still host them in my home & make them feel good,but they know i will NEVER again voice my opinion on things that concern them or do anything that would give me a shred of stress to please them.I don't inconvenience myself anymore,i don't waste my time making calls and trying to bond with those that are not invested in my welfare.

FACE FRONT o jare ..

DIDIVA and mamaTeniola,
I shall be back,i'm taking baby to Santa's grotto.

Madampinkolo:
[/b]

This part touched my medulla oblangata!! You are soooo on point.
My DH loves my parents,they have been fantastic to him..My father calls and advises on finances and investment.My mother,aunties,grandparents,siblings speak with him always to wish him well and encourage him.Pray for him 24 hours,treat him like a king. If I was treated like this would i have ever come on here to sing like parrot?

Madampinkolo:
^^^
I understand you perfectly my Bros,I agree that it is better for the man to handle..
BUT issues here when the man has refused to handle nko?
Confrontation sounds like fight..what I mean is like clearly stating i don't want this or I won't do this.Some spouses have issues with these.
Point is some men cannot say not to mommy and would rather their wives are displeased.
All the woman can do is FACE FRONT and switch off.Or subtly send your message across.
That's what has been advised severally on this page.

Truth is that family is family..I thought that with marriage,i'd still be allowed to be myself,even when i'm angry cos i'm one of them naa.I was disabused of that notion this year.And you have clearly stated that your wifey cannot even display as well cos she'll be on her own.Yet you go wan be my mama& sister when u wan collect things from me .Since I cannot be myself,why would I be expected to be all loving and kind? Best to set everyone at arms length,and to start it early to keep a respectful distance except they've shown to truly love and accept you the way you are.

So in pecking order
1. Hubby and Child
2. My family
3. People i love
4.His family

I cannot give love to people who don't show love to me abeggg.No time.

Floodgater:
@ eagleeye2 the truth is, like you no one person have all the answers as a lot of factors can be involued. The reason one should not hold certain opinions too strongly. In regard to your questions, the fact is the kind of inlaws painted above wont offer any tangible help in such trouble times. The leopard cant just change its spot. So such a woman should prepare herself on how to survive without them should such a situation occur as the inlaws have proven beyound doubts that they are no support to lean on. Yes care should be taken, but the 'face front' stand should be obvious for all to see and know their boundaries else those inlaws wont know your yea or no and the wives might not be able to assert their positions some of such times. The fear of what might happen tommorrow may make one not to enjoy today and a lot of preventable shyte can happen between today and that tommorrow that might not come. Funny enough some of the victim Dil today will become tommorrow's monster-in-law. I dont think it has to do with bad marriage circle and the likes. A lady who can not accomodate or tolerate with love another lady outside her family circle will easily make a bad Mil. I began with some opinions should not be held strongly, some Dil here who want to make a good Mil tommorrow may become bad Mil if they end up with a very bad Dil (tommorrow is packed with uncertainties). Not too long ago on this thread a lady was chastize for her good motive gone sour cos she and her family already prepared 'too' strongly to love their Sil to be only to feel disappointed when Sil did not accept the love way they anticipated (making Sil bad). Time would have made her and the Sil to be understand each other on how they give and take love, things respectively as their backgrounds differ. My point is she had good motives which she didnt even know when it started turning bad cos she held too strongly her opinion on how give and take love should be. This latter part of my post is looking at the issue from another angle.

RoyalRoy:
Hmmmm.... Why is it only women who complain about their In-laws?

Rarely for we see men going on and on calling their in laws all sort of names.

Can we conclude women are a bit more emotional to issues than men?

Or can we say men generally just get along with "other people" than women?

byvan:




Men have less contact with their inlaws, the women left their family to join the men's and not the other way round, women are the ones fighting integration issues. Most women fight anyone that dares berate their husbands including her relatives while most men will fight their wives over theirs . You can't compare what the typical Naija inlaws expect from a DIL with what is expected of a Sil. I have no complaint about my inlaws but i sure do know that most do. I notice that where most of the inlaws are ladies, its usually more messed up.


A man once opened a thread here about ungrateful inlaws, most men prefer to die in silence. Some DIL are terrible too, soo....There is no doubt that men get along better with people.

RoyalRoy:


You do have a point Byvan. Guess most men interact less with their in laws unlike women. And the expectations of a woman from her in laws is higher than the man.

Hmmm.

RoyalRoy:


You do have a point Byvan. Guess most men interact less with their in laws unlike women. And the expectations of a woman from her in laws is higher than the man.

Hmmm.

bukatyne:


Besides, woman joins the hubby 's family here.

Inlaws from hubby's side have terrible a sense of entitlement and expects wife to conform

RoyalRoy:


.......Learning......


But can we say the In-laws who are educated and knowledgeable are also guilty of these myopic expectations?

Is it a general thing or just for the "not too exposed" in-laws?

bukatyne:



I would also say that it depends on How the husband treat and regard his wife in front of his family. If a goes my wife is this, that, she cannot do nada in front of them, the wife is in for it. If the hubby tells them immediately that he will not tolerate disrespect to his wife, they will sit tight

eagleeye2:

this was what I was trying to point out.

RoyalRoy:
Hmmmm.... Why is it only women who complain about their In-laws?
Rarely do we hear men going on and on calling their in laws all sort of names.
Can we conclude women are a bit more emotional to issues than men?
Or can we say men generally just get along easily with "other people" than women?
Or maybe women have all just concluded their in laws will be from "devilsville" even before they meet?
I do not just understand this issue.

chaircover:
On the other hand, some wives mothers are pepper and the man is turned into a gbewudani . . .Damiso oya o come and translate

Especially when the guy marrys into a richer family (did I say that right) . . . . .I mean when fisherman son marrys senators daughter . . .

Or the wifes daddy got a job and bought a car for SIL . . .

damiso:


Before Alutacontinua and naijababe abuse me
again . ..
yoruba is not a very literal language joor everything has an inferred meaning.

Ok let me try literal meaning of gbewudani is pls hold my clothes for me but the inferred meaning is a (what is the preferred NL word again) ehen womanliness *rolls eyes* whipped brother .Man who is more or less now an errand boy.

RoyalRoy:
Hmmmm.... Why is it only women who complain about their In-laws?

Rarely do we hear men going on and on calling their in laws all sort of names.

Can we conclude women are a bit more emotional to issues than men?

Or can we say men generally just get along easily with "other people" than women?

Or maybe women have all just concluded their in laws will be from "devilsville" even before they meet?


I do not just understand this issue.

naijababe:


Gbewudani = man who wears the skirt in the house

nwababy:
. I love you post. So unbiased.