Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head - Romance - Nairaland
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| Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by MizMyColi(f): 11:32am On Aug 14, 2014 |
The inspiration for this blog post (not mine) comes from two sisters I've conversed with on here on this issue of a guy showing interest in them at one phase and emotionally withdrawing at another. You might get some answers here. Please read on.  In popular culture, the term “narcissistic” is thrown about quite loosely, usually referring to vanity and self-absorption. This reduces narcissism to a common quality that everyone possesses and downplays the symptoms demonstrated by people with the actual disorder. While narcissism does exist on a spectrum, narcissism as a full-fledged personality disorder is quite different. People who meet the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder or those who have traits of Antisocial Personality Disorder can operate in extremely manipulative ways within the context of intimate relationships due to their deceitfulness, lack of empathy and their tendency to be inter-personally exploitative. Watch out for the following covert manipulation tactics when you’re dating someone or in a relationship. 1. The Idealization-Devaluation-Discard Phase Narcissists and those with antisocial traits tend to subject romantic partners through three phases within a relationship. The idealization phase (which often happens most strongly during the early stages of dating or a relationship) consists of putting you on a pedestal, making you the center of his/her world, being in contact with you frequently, and showering you with flattery and praise. You are convinced that the narcissist can’t live without you and that you’ve met your soulmate. Be wary of: constant texting, shallow flattery and wanting to be around you at all times. This is a technique known as “lovebombing” and it is how most victims get sucked in: they are tired of the “games” people play with each other in communication and are flattered by the constant attention they get from the narcissist. You may be fooled into thinking that this means a narcissist is truly interested in you, when in fact; he or she is interested in making you dependent on their constant praise and attention. The devaluation phase is subsequent to this idealization phase, and this is when you’re left wondering why you were so abruptly thrust off the pedestal. The narcissist will suddenly start to blow hot and cold, criticizing you, covertly and overtly putting you down, comparing you to others, emotionally withdrawing from you and giving you the silent treatment when you’ve failed to meet their “standards.” Since the “hot” aspect of this phase relies on intermittent reinforcement in which the narcissist gives you inconsistent spurts of the idealization phase throughout, you become convinced that perhaps you are at fault and you can “control” the narcissist’s reactions. Even though the narcissist can be quite possessive and jealous over you, since he or she views you as an object and a source of narcissistic supply, the narcissist is prone to projecting this same behavior onto you. The narcissist makes you seem like the needy one as you react to his or her withdrawal and withholding patterns even though the expectations of frequent contact were established early on in the relationship by the narcissist himself. You are mislead into thinking that if you just learn not to be so “needy,” “clingy,” or “jealous,” the narcissist will reward you with the loving behavior he or she demonstrated in the beginning. The narcissist may use these and other similar words to gaslight victims when they react normally to being provoked. It’s a way to maintain control over your legitimate emotional reactions to their stonewalling, emotional withdrawal and inconsistency. Unfortunately, it is during the devaluation phase that a narcissist’s true self shows itself. You have to understand that the man or woman in the beginning of the relationship never truly existed. The true colors are only now beginning to show, so it will be a struggle as you attempt to reconcile the image that the narcissist presented to you with his or her current behavior. During the discard phase, the narcissist abandons his or her victim in the most horrific, demeaning way possible to convince the victim that he or she is worthless. This could range from: leaving the victim for another lover, humiliating the victim in public, being physically aggressive and a whole range of other demeaning behaviors to communicate to the victim that he or she is no longer important. DON’T BE A VICTIM  GET OUT OF THAT EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP ALREADY JOOR!4 Likes |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by hungryboy(m): 11:37am On Aug 14, 2014 |
Aunty abeg wetin be the moral lesson of this your story? |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by ideology(m): 11:38am On Aug 14, 2014 |
Babe, on a serious note, u should think of writing books too  1 Like |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by MizMyColi(f): 11:40am On Aug 14, 2014 |
[size=14pt]2. Gaslighting[/size] Most abusive relationships contain a certain amount of gaslighting, a technique narcissists use to convince you that your perception of the abuse is inaccurate. During the devaluation and discard phases, the narcissist will often remark upon your emotional instability, your “issues,” and displace blame of his/her abuse as your fault. Frequent use of phrases such as “You provoked me,” “You’re too sensitive,” “I never said that,” or “You’re taking things too seriously” after the narcissists’ abusive outbursts are common and are used to gaslight you into thinking that the abuse is indeed your fault or that it never even took place. Narcissists are masters of making you doubt yourself and the abuse. This is why victims so often suffer from ruminations after the ending of a relationship with a narcissist, because the emotional invalidation they received from the narcissist made them feel powerless in their agency and perceptions. This self-doubt enables them to stay within abusive relationships even when it’s clear that the relationship is a toxic one, because they are led to mistrust their own instincts and interpretations of events. [size=14pt]3. The false self and the true self.[/size] The narcissist hides behind the armor of a “false self,” a construct of qualities and traits that he or she usually presents to the outside world. Due to this armor, you are unlikely to comprehend the full extent of a narcissist’s inhumanity and lack of empathy until you are in the discard phase. This can make it difficult to pinpoint who the narcissistic abuser truly is – the sweet, charming and seemingly remorseful person that appears shortly after the abuse, or the abusive partner who ridicules, invalidates and belittles you on a daily basis? You suffer a great deal of cognitive dissonance trying to reconcile the illusion the narcissist first presented to you with the tormenting behaviors he or she subjects you to. In order to cope with this cognitive dissonance, you might blame yourself for his or her abusive behavior and attempt to “improve” yourself when you have done nothing wrong, just to uphold your belief in the narcissist’s false self during the devaluation phase. During the discard phase, the narcissist reveals the true self – the ugly, abusive and abrasive monster rears its head and you get a glimpse of the evil that was lurking within all along. You bear witness to his or her cold, callous indifference as you are discarded. You might think this is only a momentary lapse into evil, but actually, it is as close you will ever get to seeing the narcissist’s true self. The manipulative, conniving charm that existed in the beginning is no more – instead, it is replaced by the genuine contempt that the narcissist felt for you all along. See, narcissists don’t truly feel empathy or love for others – so during the discard phase, they feel absolutely nothing for you except the excitement of having exhausted another source of supply. You were just another source of supply, so do not fool yourself into thinking that the magical connection that existed in the beginning was in any way real. It was an illusion, much like the identity of the narcissist was an illusion. [size=14pt]It is time to pick up the pieces, go No Contact, heal, and move forward. You are not only a victim of narcissistic abuse, but can be a survivor. Owning this dual status as both victim and survivor permits you to live the life you were meant to lead – one filled with self-care, self-love, respect, and compassion.  [/size]Please Click Here For Further Reading |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by MizMyColi(f): 11:42am On Aug 14, 2014 |
ideology: Babe, on a serious note, u should think of writing books tooThis One's not mine. My writing prowess never reach like this na  1 Like |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by pickabeau1: 12:05pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
You are equating narcissism to emtional and physical abuse? I dont see the link  Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism. http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/definition/con-20025568 |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by MizMyColi(f): 12:12pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
pickabeau1: You are equating narcissism to emtional and physical abuse?I didn't mention physical abuse explicitly, However, a person who experiences one or both, just might have been or is with someone with Narcissistic or any other Anti-Social Tendency(ies). |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by pickabeau1: 12:20pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
MizMyColi: I didn't mention physical abuse explicitly, However, a person who experiences one or both, just might have been or is with someone with Narcissistic or any other Anti-Social Tendency(ies). A narcissist is obsessed with self cue the original Narcissus who fell in love with his reflection He has little or no time to groom someone to love him, then spend hours emotionally torturing the person As you rightly noted, an abuser may be a narcissist but all narcissists may not be abusers What is written in your post is a quality of an abuser who may or may not be narcissistic Just wanted to clear that as the whole theme of your post(referred..yes) is about abuse |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by MizMyColi(f): 12:31pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
pickabeau1: While narcissism does exist on a spectrum, narcissism as a full-fledged personality disorder is quite different ^^^ It's mentioned in the Original Post. |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by pickabeau1: 1:00pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
MizMyColi: ok...no p 1 Like |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by Nobody: 1:21pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
You just described my ex 2 Likes |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by xynerise: 1:30pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
IfyAngela: You just described my exHe was a narcissist or a jerk?  1 Like |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by Nobody: 1:37pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
xynerise:lol both, pathetic right? 1 Like |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by pickabeau1: 1:37pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
xynerise: |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by xynerise: 1:58pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
IfyAngela:How come you didn't notice the first few weeks of the relationship?  |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by Nobody: 2:04pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
xynerise:Simply Pretense! 1 Like |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by MizMyColi(f): 2:28pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
IrishKez:.....and that about sums it up. 1 Like |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by daveP(m): 2:49pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
IfyAngela: You just described my exfephew!! 1 Like |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by Nobody: 2:51pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
xynerise:I did not the first few weeks though more like first two months, thats why we didn't last long |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by Nobody: 2:52pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
IrishKez:Exactly, and people like that are good at manipulating. |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by Nobody: 2:57pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
*grabs a guguru pack and observes ifyAngela tackling bad players like Davep* IfyAngela: |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by xynerise: 2:59pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
IfyAngela:You were engulfed by his other good side? |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by xynerise: 3:01pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
IrishKez:You should know that has been the norm to both sexes  |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by Nobody: 3:05pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
xynerise:hmmm yeah i guess, at the initial stage when it was still fresh. |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by Nobody: 3:09pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
Unibenstudent: *grabs a guguru pack and observes ifyAngela tackling bad players like Davep*huh? |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by xynerise: 3:09pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
IfyAngela:It is completely inevitable. No one can outsmart that act of pretense. |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by daveP(m): 3:10pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
Unibenstudent: *grabs a guguru pack and observes ifyAngela tackling bad players like Davep*lol ! U |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by Nobody: 3:13pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
Why must you derail this innocent thread.  |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by Nobody: 3:18pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
*grabs a neat bullet proof range rover sport ,patiently waiting for the gun shot aimed at unibenstudent* IfyAngela: |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by Nobody: 3:25pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
xynerise:true, learned the hard way but i learnt anyway. |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by MizMyColi(f): 3:29pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
They are derailing my thread  |
| Re: Relationship Talk: Ways Abusive Narcissists and Their Likes Get Inside Your Head by Nobody: 3:53pm On Aug 14, 2014 |
xynerise: Not disputing that either No one has the monopoly |
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