Do you seem to always hurt the ones you love? Do
you ever fear that you feel that sometimes you act
as if you hate them? Four reasons are addressed
here that may help answer this dilemma. .
One: VULNERABILITY. It's a rare person who
doesn't seek more love. Though we are in search
for this, most remain ambivalent about the pursuit.
Trying to find the love you want can be meet with
resistance. It' can be a very scary proposition. As
one client said about her husband..." I hate him so
much because of how vulnerable I am to him. How I
can let him control my feelings? And, I hate myself
for putting myself in this vulnerable position. I feel
like I've lost control." Loving can produce conflicts,
fear, and uncertainty. There is the old cliche"love
and hate are bedmates."
TWO: WE CHOOSE PARTNERS WE CAN HATE . Most
of us felt let down and disappointed as we grew up.
With our childish minds, we may have thought that
our parents were mean because they didn't give us
that extra cookie or let us stay up. Little could we
realize that we had a sense of entitlement and
misread disappointment as rejection. Our parents
were fallible human beings who made mistakes.
Some may have even intentionally hurt some of us.
The end result is that only a rare few escape being
burned at the stove of intimacy as a child. This
probably could have contributed to us becoming
weary and ambivalent about future relationships.

THREE: THE INDEPENDENCE-DEPENDENCE
CONFLICT. One of the strangest conflicts we have
is our independence-dependence conflict. We want
to be taken care of and yet can resent anyone who
cares for us. We want to do it ourselves and can be
angry at ourselves for our laziness and
dependence. Again, there is massive ambivalence,
as we want what we don't want. It's a lose-lose
situation as we become angry if we aren't given to,
yet can be frustrated again that we have to depend
on another.
For example, pretend you're deep sea diving and
you don't have your own air tank. You're sharing air
with a buddy. If he swims a few feet away, what are
you going to do? Follow closely, of course. He will
keep a keen eye on him. How does this make you
feel? Dependent? Angry, you don't have your own
air? How do you think they feel? Suffocated? This is
what happens in many relationships.

What to do? It's good to feel vulnerable and fearful
when you meet someone. The person who cares
the least is in control of the relationship. When you
engage in relationships in which you safely remain
in control, often people complain of being bored. It's
good to feel that fear of stepping out of the box. It's
like when you go for that job interview that terrifies
you. That's good, and to not feel this fear is to not
live life.
As for the independence-dependence conflict, just
recognize it. Be aware, expect it, prepare for it and
use this insight to.be able to better communicate.

FOUR: INCONVENIENCE. People who share intimacy
also will be exposed to life situations their casual
friends do not see. Most witness the front stage
performances of others when out in public. When
you live with someone, you also can see what's
backstage. You can experience every flaw, every
unwise thought, every selfish manipulative
move.You can do the most unromantic thing- you
share a bathroom! You can see them without make-
up or at their ugliest as they wake in the morning
and are exposed to smells and sights you would
choose to avoid..
Making a relationship work entails compromise and
sacrifice. Not everyone does this willingly. Many
resent having to sleep on the side of the bed they
don't like, having to eat foods they don't prefer at
times they don't like, having to socialize with people
they really don't care for, and the list can be almost
infinite. Frustration creates anger and when this
feeling isn't processed, it can be stored and the
resentment grows. It can fester and be like little
handfulls of dirt thrown on a fire. Over time, the fire
goes out. What can be left is bitterness and
animosity directed at the person across the kitchen
table.
Couples have to learn how to release their
resentments in constructive ways. Again, good
communication and learning to fight fair is
paramount. Learning to be tolerant, assertive when
necessary and forgiving also is necessary

ok,nice