l1. Uncover the cause of the affair. Barring
sexual addiction or individual pathology, affairs
tend to be symptomatic of a relational problem.
It is therefore essential to uncover the
underlying problem as quickly as possible in
order to de-escalate relational strife—which
exacerbates the offender’s need to take solace
in a lover’s arms.

2. Consider your history. Affairs runs in
families. If, for example, one of your parents had
an affair you may model this behavior in real
time in an effort to get your needs met. Learning
to be assertive and express your desires directly
can be helpful in breaking this generational
transmission process.

3. The offender must take responsibility for
having the affair. If the offending partner fails to
show remorse, the probability for reparation is
slim. The same can be said if the offender
refuses to apologize. The expression of anger
alone provides less opportunity for healing.

4. The non-offending spouse must accept
responsibility for making a contribution to the
system that produced the affair. Because an
affair is often symptomatic of a dysfunctional
relationship dynamic both parties probably have
—in some way—contributed to the dynamic. A
refusal on the victim’s part to take
responsibility may only serve to fuel the
offender’s anger, and justify the act of betrayal
in the offender’s mind. Unfortunately, too many
victims view this systemic concept as “blaming
the victim.”

5. Each partner should have a chance to vent.
Most offending mates want to repress
discussion of the affair. However, the victimized
partner should be allowed an appropriate
amount of time to vent feelings, including anger.
Time is up, however, if venting is used primarily
as a battering ram to humiliate and torture the
offender. The offending partner should be
allowed to register complaints against the mate
and the marital system.

6. Empathize with one another. Because it
usually takes two to produce an affair, it might
be more helpful to openly recognize and
acknowledge the pain each of you are
experiencing.

7. Don’t retaliate in kind against the offending
spouse. Some couples turn an affair into a
power struggle. If your partner has cheated try
not to respond in kind; this may only put the
so-called “nail in the coffin” of your relationship.
If you’re ego-dystonic with cheating, you may
only shame yourself by your retribution.

8. Remember the good times. Try not to forget
the pleasant experiences you shared with your
partner. Waxing nostalgic sometimes
encourages a greater effort to save a
relationship.

9. The offending spouse should stop all contact
with the lover. The offending partner must cease
all contact with the lover. This is essential to
rebuilding trust in the primary relationship. If the
offender has dabbled in the workplace, quitting
or transferring to another department might be
a welcomed sign of marital loyalty, if
economically feasible of course.

10. The victimized spouse should never pursue
the partner’s lover. The idea is to de-triangulate
the lover not bring the lover deeper into your
relationship. The problem lies between the two
spouses and should be kept there. Besides,
confronting your partner’s lover might prove to
be dangerous.

11. Keep the lines of communication open.
Because our society seems to hold a certain
fascination with affairs, it’ll be hard to escape
the past. Television, movies, music, and even
some random gossip will serve as reminders of
your trauma. It’s important for each partner to
remain patient and empathic, and to continue to
allow for productive discussion on the topic as
the need arises. Repression may enable a
festering of the problem.
If you and your partner can successfully
negotiate these eleven steps perhaps each of
you will forgive yourselves and one another for
the trauma of the affair. It won’t be easy—it’ll
take a maximum effort on both sides to save the
relationship—and only the two of you can decide
whether it’s worth the effort.
Be free to add your own ideas and solution...

BrB...

Recover or Recovering ...jex asking thou?