Hey nairalanders i've been an adamant follower of this forum especially the family and romance section and I must really commend the likes of cc, rokiatu and co......well I got married a couple of months ago and about two months into my marriage I discovered that my husband is a chronic addict to porn and masturbation. We had 'the talk' about it and he promised to change but honestly I fear he's just getting worse. I've done practically everything possible to help him but all efforts are not yielding any results. We're presently trying for a baby and I also fear that might be a contributing factor to the delay. I'm an off and on wife ie not fully with him because I run some things in a different state but I make it a point of duty to come home every two weeks, although i've been with him for say two months on a stretch now and this period only confirmed my fears and no he never told me while dating.....found out it has been his long term secret. I don't know what to do and I need very matured advice....thanks.

Why should your man masturbate when he has you? Ask him "am I inadequate?"

I've done that a countless time and he usually doesn't have anything to say other than he's sorry and will try to change. I never ever deny him sex.....i give it to him whenever and however he wants it.

would u have preferred him sleeping around with other ladies?

@tony are you trying to justify his actions?

marmee:
@tony are you trying to justify his actions?

why would i? Him go pay me?
All what u need is to stay with him,always make sure he is not idle even if it'll cost u ur job.....
I knw dat bein idle can make a man do those things

@tony am sorry about my response and honestly it's a very difficult 1.

Try to find out if there's something you're not doing right yourself other than asking him. He might not open up comfortably for fear of hurting you or other reasons known to him.

I think the real problem is the aspect of masturbation because most men watch porn; married men inclusive. You should only get worried if he watches it frequently and perhaps shamelessly(it should be a private stuff).

Tell him in strong terms that you're not comfortable with the habit and give him time to gradually quit. If he doesn't, try and see a counsellor or a spiritual leader if you're religious.

Hello, know what to do?
Talk to him softly, plead him to stop it, if he doesn't yield to u, threaten him that you'll report to his fams and friends. Most of us men don't like such been disclosed except between ourselves. If he still prove obstinate still, hello, you need to go spiritual fa. #cheers.

Quitting will not occur abruptly because he acquired the habit gradually and it's now part of his life. It will take time to stop.

He will quit if he makes up his mind to stop. I think it requires self discipline. If you threaten to report him, he will be hiding and doing it. He can do it in his car, office, etc. Where he's sure you can't catch him.

@mrval i've done alot of thorough thinking and will still do and make changes if need be. 2ndly am aware that most men watch porn but like u said the frequency is what am really worried about.....sometimes two or three times or more in a day. He tries to hide it sometimes and other times he just does it but Ofcoz within the house. I've talked, begged, prayed and even threatened to report him but there's still no positive change. Guess i'll just give him more time but will that work?

Thanks @hrtbrksteve and ladyx

Marmee, I wish your hubby could read this. When married men masturbate, it's not usually cos their wives aren't attractive or 'sexu ally capable' enough; it's cos they are ADDICTED. He probably has been masturbating for years. It's first and foremost, a spiritual problem. At this point, I would advise you to pray for him first. Then also sit him down and discuss with him about the negative consequences of masturbation. Let him realize that he has a lot to lose if he continues to watch porn and masturbate. Also pray with him at this juncture.

This is not a time for you to threaten him. Rather be closer to him more than ever before. Assure him that you are here to help him overcome the habit.

Finally, let him know that the decision to quit masturbation begins with him. He's got to make up his mind to quit.

It's well with you, Sister. Cheers.

Thanks @deife i'll try all you've said.

marmee:
Thanks @deife i'll try all you've said.

You're welcome, Marmee. Everything's gonna be fine. Just believe.

tonywirelex:
why would i? Him go pay me?
All what u need is to stay with him,always make sure he is not idle even if it'll cost u ur job.....
I knw dat bein idle can make a man do those things

whether she's there always or not, he's a "chronic addict" and will always make out time to self-service.

@op..try to know why he self-services, after he would have given you no reasonable response make him see that that's just how unreasonable his actions has been.

and pray a whole lot too..the only addiction breaker I know of is God.

I do wish you a blissful marriage.

Thanks @ovarayted.

If he makes use of Lux, then his my friend jst give mii his number lemme talk to him..

OP... Bring ur husband close to God that will enable him quit, if he remembers he will b hurting God by doing it, their wuld b a gradual adjustment..

Secondly, he might try stopping it buh leaving him alone for 2 weeks will neva allow him stop cous once his lonely nd bored, he cant help it..

This is where u start frm, destroy every porn material at home, always delete d videos on his device.
Threaten to destroy his phone wen u find such video nxt..
Seriously if he luvs u dearly, he will start limiting it until he stops but dat determines d pressure u apply..

If u dont stop d porn issue, 4get stopping d self sevice issue cous d porn is jst like d 'Fuel' in d component of fire..

Tell am say him friend dey pray 4 am..

HrtBrkSteve:
Hello, know what to do?
Talk to him softly, plead him to stop it, if he doesn't yield to u, threaten him that you'll report to his fams and friends. Most of us men don't like such been disclosed except between ourselves. If he still prove obstinate still, hello, you need to go spiritual fa. #cheers.

whatever you do, do not THREATEN him.
things might just transcend to worse.
i want to believe he's tried to stop,all he needs now is your closure and security.
tackle it yourselves....for now atleast.

@menix he's close to God and very religious but I'll try the approach of making him understand how much he's hurting God by his actions. 2ndly what do I do concerning my job as regards the off and on issue? 3rdly as funny as it may sound he doesn't have any saved video on his phone, he watches them on net and again I ask how do I tackle that? My thoughts exactly on d porn being the trigger to self-service. Thanks all the same.

The change has to come from him, it has noting to do with you doing somtin wrung or right. Its jux pure addiction. Your husband needs serios COUNSELLING and GOD'S INTERVENTION. pray, fast and seek counselling togeda, its the only way. May God help us all

marmee:
Thanks @hrtbrksteve and ladyx

Ideally, It is something that should be a source of worry to you, it is not right. A lot of men who indulge in Porn, and m@sturbation should normally experience a very reduced urge to watch porn and m@sturbate, if a woman is with them. Like someone rightly said here, it is only self discipline with your help, that can make him stop, it is a gradual thing, and might take quite some time, since you do not stay long together. Talk to him again, tell him that his habits can affect your union negatively, fact, and that you want to help him. You can start by attacking one aspect of the problem, those porn, destroy any hard copy he has and the ones in his mobile and laptops, get an anti-porn software installed in his laptop, which only you can have the access code, those are the things that corrupts his mind and leads him to m@sturbation. Secondly make him understand the inherent dangers his habits portends to the both of you, he himself should start praying, asking God the strength to overcome it. You also need to check your sex life madam, are you under performing, if so, work on your self, and make provision to spend more time together, as your efforts might be null and void the moment you step out of the house.

Wow poster I feel your pain, but like any addiction, he's the victim here please be understanding and supportive. You have to really have a heart to heart chat with him about how you feel about this, so he can start making changes towards it. And I believe therapy will do him a lot of good. It will take a lot of time but as long as he's willing to change, that's the first step.

marmee:
@menix he's close to God and very religious but I'll try the approach of making him understand how much he's hurting God by his actions. 2ndly what do I do concerning my job as regards the off and on issue? 3rdly as funny as it may sound he doesn't have any saved video on his phone, he watches them on net and again I ask how do I tackle that? My thoughts exactly on d porn being the trigger to self-service. Thanks all the same.

I know u luv ur Job buh u can try sourcing for anoda job that will bring u close to ur husband cous ur off nd on is already an 'Invitation to threat'

D issue of him not saving d video wuld b a hard one buh find out if d Tech guyz can configure his phone to reject opening such site cous i suspected one time that my bro did such on his lappy buh seriously i cant ask him. Or Always go to his cookies nd delete them nd mk him uncomfortable each tym u notice..

Ehen...
U ve a lot of work to do, u need to spice up ur luv making cous there is a pleasure he derives(its psychological) frm self servicing that real sex for now cant fill in, am sure he last longer in bed cous datz d symptom..

Buh d easiest way to stop him is him acknowleding dat God is not happy wiv him each tym he does that, 2 friendz i knew were real addicts ve told mii dat if not God it wont be an easy ordeal..

I think he has built up fantasis in his mind and head that he yerns to to fulfill....
those are probably what he watches and imagine as he self service...
the best solution is for u to talk with him heart to heart.....
let him tell u every single trueth, then u can help him the best way u can to stop.
Goodluck!

Pray fervently for him, tell him that you will report him to his priest if he continue with these addictions. but always pray for him with all your heart.

Maybe give him more sex?

I don't know how addicted ur husby is, but I thiink you shud start working from your house.
I think if you live with him fully, the problem will be curtailed by 50%.
Let him tell u his sexual fantasies, that's why he watches those things. You can then MAKE urself become his fantasy and it will be with u whenever he has the urge.
And pray WITH him always.

I think ur hubby is suffering from a psychological issue. He needs a psychotherapist. Just that Nigeria lacks psychotherapist.

Remove all vaseline,and soaps at home..

Thank me later.

marmee:
Thanks @hrtbrksteve and ladyx

Welcome

I think his self servicing is porn related so, try to get him to pick new interests, something to get his mind off porn and little be little he will pull through..... goodluck