‘Extra-marital friendships’ is how a very wise
gentleman described it. This was a tricky one
for me as I had wildly conflicting views about
it. I swung from feeling fairly confident that
a married person can maintain a platonic
friendship with the opposite sex without
compromising their marriage to more recently
possibly seeing it in another light. It’s
probably safe to say unequivocally that there
are potential pitfalls that surround this
alliance if firm boundaries are not
maintained. We will read what some couples
have to say on their experiences.
There are many changes that take place
within a marriage over the course of time.
For the most part in the early stages of
normal healthy marriages, there is a
compulsion and desire to share practically
everything; your joys, hurts and daily
experiences. Naturally as time goes on and
the constraints of life take place such as
children, work, family, church etc which are
all natural occurrences, it can take a toll on
the marriage. The closeness one once had
can become diluted or even disappear.
Many times, both or one partner, may feel
that they are the only one who invests in the
marriage while the other just goes after their
own interests. This may or may not be the
case. Sometimes, even when both spouses
attempt to make their marriage work, they
may feel an increasing distance between
them.
We may erroneously believe that as long as
we don’t step out of the marriage, nothing
bad may come into it. Wrong! Unfortunately
there are many things that compete for our
love and affection and sometimes, if we are
not on the alert, the outside can intrude on
one’s marriage. Marriage needs to be actively
protected. There are many forces waiting to
attack and get between one and one’s mate
and diminish one’s relationship.
Marriage in its true sense is an exclusive two
membership club with no room for a third
party to receive equal share in it because it
can very quickly weaken the bond, and create
insecurity within the marriage.
Naturally, we all need close friends we can
confide in and who can confide in us but if
one finds increasingly that one is more
comfortable confiding in one’s friend more
than one’s spouse, this may place a wedge
between one that deepens to the point of no
return.
Friendships provide support, keep us from
feeling lonely and make us well-rounded
people. Encouraging and supportive friends
(male or female) understand that one’s best
friend is and should be one’s spouse, but no
matter how close one is to one’s spouse and
kids, one often desires to have a kinship with
others.
It is possible for married people to have
healthy extra-marital friendships. However,
special consideration must be given to a
number factors that if ignored can and will
threaten a marriage.
It’s important that a couple develop and
consistently nurture a ‘best friend’
relationship with their spouse. It’s important
to make sure that one’s spouse understands
the quality of one’s friendship with the
opposite sex and is comfortable with it. If
they are not, then one needs to explore with
them.
There might be a perfectly rational and
reasonable reason why they have problems
with it. It is important to honour one’s
spouses’ wishes concerning one’s friendship-
even if it means ending it. The sanctity of
one’s marriage must always come first unless
it is an abusive marriage and then one has
other more serious issues to address.
If one’s marriage is in trouble or one is
having intimacy problems then it is important
to avoid exposing oneself to opposite sex
friendships; the boundaries may quickly get
blurred. If one’s friend fulfils needs that one
wishes one spouse would meet, this could be
a problem and lead to other things.
It was quite interesting to get the views of a
few men and women who have tried to
negotiate this terrain with varied results.
Enjoy their stories
Jakande is on his third marriage and firmly
believes categorically that close friendships
with the opposite sex outside marriage are
‘the devils handiwork.’
He says, “My first wife and I were deeply in
love. I do not think I will ever find that type
of love or happiness again. Everything was
wonderful for six years until she went on a
course abroad. She was there for two years
and made friends with another student
(male). She told me about him and I initially
supported the friendship because I thought
she was genuinely taking him as a brother. I
did not question the friendship based on
what she told me about it and I felt he was a
good friend.
“My wife came home a few times on holiday
and I started noticing a change in her. She
didn’t seem to be as keen to have sex with
me like we used to especially now that we
were apart. I felt the feelings should be
stronger. I just knew something was not
right. There was nothing major I could put
my finger on but I just felt a difference in the
way her body responded to me. I mentioned it
but she brushed it aside saying these are
some of the things that can happen in a
marriage when one is apart. I have since had
female friends all of which I have had sex
with. Maybe I am trying to get back at my
first wife I don’t know but I think friends with
the opposite sex in marriage are a danger to
the marriage.”
Fifty-year-old Remy has had a close male
friend for 10 years. She had this friend before
she got married and her husband was aware
of their friendship. She said she cannot be
without her friend and her husband accepts
their friendship. In her case, she said she
knew the friendship has been instrumental in
strengthening their marriage. It was her
friend who convinced her to marry her
husband in the first place because she was
unsure of him before marriage. During the
marriage, she said there were many instances
that she came close to leaving her husband
and it was her friend that helped her
understand her husband’s point of view. She
felt friendship with the opposite sex in
marriage could if handled well and her friend
is very respectful of her husband.
Donna says, ‘‘It’s all about trust at the end of
the day. If you have a solid foundation and
the trust is there, it should not be a problem.
If one or the other is feeling insecure about
the friendship, then there must be unresolved
issues in the marriage that need to be sorted
out.’’
Sarah and John have been married for
20years and they consider themselves to
have a ‘very close, happy relationship.’ Sarah
says, ‘‘I have always had close friendships
with the opposite sex. In fact, I had more
male friends than girlfriends. I just seem to
get on better with the men than women. My
husband had a really hard time with my
having male friends before we got married as
he suspected everyone and thought they all
wanted to have sex with me. After we got
married, he demanded I terminate all my
male friendships. I thought this was very
selfish of him and I resisted. We had some
horrible fights about it and I did not think he
was being rational about it. In the end, as
much as I was unhappy about it, I chose to
keep peace in my marriage but I still have a
lot of resentment about it and I think it
harmed our marriage as I do not have that
outlet with my male friends that he canno
fulfil. There are things I can talk to my male
friends about that I cannot talk to him about
because he just does not understand and it
does not mean I want to have sex with
them.’’
I know my readers have strong views on
issues in this column so please send in your
views on this topic





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