I have just committed a blonder that is about to crash my twelve-year old relationship. Please, read the story and advice me on what to do before it gets out of hand. Sorry, it has to be this long to enable you guys get the full gist.
UC is my fiancée and we have loved and cared for each other all these years, until now that this problem emerged from nowhere and is threatening to destroy all we shared.
It all started when this girl (NG) i dated during my second year in the university came and pleaded with me to allow her put up with me (as in stay with me in my house) for four months while she undertook her training on computer repairs and maintenance; a training she told me she wanted to do as an intermediate programme before proceeding for her national youth service. I met NG in school by accident, and we dated for sometime. However, we got broke up when my love UC, once visited me in school. Her visit created a pressure between me and NG and eventually, I dropped the relationship because of the love I have for her (i.e. UC). NG is also a good girl, intelligent, mature and clever, but I do not love her as much as I do love UC. She (NG) also studied the same course with me (though I was one academic year ahead of her). That makes the two of us a kind of interdependent even after we had broken up our romantic relationship. She still came around and shared some views with me over issues bothering our line of study. The answers and motivation she gets from me whenever encounters any problem, made her trusted so much on me that she could hardly embark on any thing without my consent and approval. But remember, it was just but a romance-free relationship.
So when she asked me to accommodate her for the period of her training (the centre of which was close to my residence), I did not accept at first knowing fully well that it will bring me nothing but temptation and heart break. Moreover, my girl (UC) wouldn’t approve of it. Thus, when I presented the case to UC (hiding the identity of the girl involved), she refused bluntly. I respected her wish because we love each other so much and also listen to the opinion of each other too. Because she refused, I also refused to accept NG. I know of course NG is one person she will never like to meet 200 kilometers close to me. No, not after what she passed through to break up our relationship in school. On the other hand, it seems to NG as if I was the one holding her destiny by not letting her stay with me and continue her career pursuit. In fact, she portrayed it to all my friends and old school mates and believed I will partly be responsible for her woes if she did not continue with her ever cherished training as a result of her inability to get accommodation. I thought of helping her get accommodation elsewhere but such was very scarce and even where available, they are very costly not minding that the period was just four months. At last, we secured one for her. Someone offered to help her. But the place was still under interior decoration. There she came again begging me to allow her start off in my house so that in less than two weeks, she would leave when her new accommodation will be ready. I suggested for her to wait at home for the period of the interior decoration since it was just for two weeks, but she complained if she failed to start at that time, she would miss out some period of the training by the time she’s called up for August/Sept. batch.
Because I didn’t want to be seen as being wicked, I accepted, this time without the consent of my fiancée, UC. This was because, I had planned to prevent my fiancée from visiting within the said period and since it is also usual for her to visit once in two weeks interval, I presumed I would overcome the temptation. NG and I were like strangers in the house with a second look on each other. She didn’t think of anything and I was happy about it too. Besides, she has a new Bf whom I also know of. Then came one day, my UC visited but I was aware she was going to visit, so I planned with NG not to come back until she had gone. We also packed and hide NG’s bags where they could not be visible or easily imagined by any visitor. Because NG and I did not have any skeleton in our cupboard, she didn’t feel bad about my idea to hide her and her bags from my fiancée. Behold, it worked! She didn’t notice anything. But that was not all. After the expiration of the two weeks, the guy who was to provide accommodation for NG (i.e. the one who said the house was undergoing interior decoration) started telling stories. I am afraid, that prolonged NG’s stay than planned and each day that passed became more dangerous for me. She (NG) didn’t relent either, in the search for alternative accommodation, but none was forthcoming. It became very difficult for me to ask her lo leave because she has absolutely nowhere to go. Also I do not feel comfortable for her continued stay in my house which was suicidal. I was filled with mixed and confused thoughts, as I didn’t wish to offend my sweet heart UC nor NG who has been there for me through thick and thin back days in school. Fate then played games on me and my love UC visited without notice, having noted an act of depression on my part. Behold who she saw, NG. This marked the beginning of my problems. Neither she nor any one would believe I wasn’t sleeping with NG. I couldn’t deny it either, seeing that we shared the same room with no third party. Now, UC’s believe was that it had been my plan to continue with her from where I stopped back days in school. I cried to be given the chance to explain, but she would never listen to me. Instead, she said the only condition to listen to me was to travel with her to the village where all concerned (cared friends and relations) would have the opportunity t hear her tell them how I have been cheating on her. The truth is that I DID NOT DO IT, but because the hand in the port of soup has taken the shape of that of a man, there is no way to argue it is still the hand of a cat. I don’t want to go to the village with her because I don’t have any proof or otherwise to deny the allegation. Besides, I don’t have the intention to discuss my relationship at this early stage with the members of the public. When I approach her to explain, she rebuffed me. She has asked me to give her a break and continue with the so called NG whom she believes has charmed me. I am sure she means every word of it. She also said, may be she would reconsider her stand on one of numerous suitors who has been disturbing her and who even worth more than me. I think, my fiancée is just being scared by the presence of NG around me who happened to be more intelligent, clever and educated than her. But that is not my judgment factor for choosing her. I chose her because I love her so much.
So nairalanders, what should I do under this circumstance? She means the whole world to me. She also has my 8 year old baby child. I can’t afford to loose her now. She is all I’ve got in a woman. Though NG is good and a wonderful girl too, but I can’t go back to her because I don’t feel anything for her since after we broke up in school four years ago. Even if I do want to go back to her, she may not accept because she already has a guy whom she made me believe she loves so much. I am so confused and feel like being so stupid to have allowed the thoughts for true love I have for my golden princess to be overcrowded by my sense of help. Please guys, help me. Your usual suggestions will be highly appreciated. Thank you.

Don't have time to read your essay right now, though, take someone with you to ask for her forgiveness, if otherwise, lemme get you the version of the bible that treats all case of forgiveness.

@Poster,
Summarize your lengthy epistle first,suggestions might come in handy after that.

Wow, you have gotten yourself in a pickle.

I will be back in a bit with some advice. But know this it will take alot of pleading and begging on your part.

Questions first

Age of all parties involved?
Level of education for UG?
Not familar with Nigeria how far is the distance from UG to You?
Have you done the formal introduction?
How long ago did this happen?
Any family members of UG that you are very close with?
Would NG and her BF go back with you as witnesses?

Funny situation, the trust is gone over an innocent gesture. . . Girls are like that. You need to be a man about it, the mistake was made when u didnt inform her about NG's 2 weeks stay proposal.
A relationship without the trust is as good as dead, try and talk with her close relatives and explain everything to them. . . It might help if people closer to her talk to her and plead your case.
I advise u get NG somewhere else immediately.

I dont expect u will get her back again, but if u do, then u need to be very careful going forward.

Sad story. You should never have considered the option without telling UC, knowing that UC essentially 'snatched' you from NG in the first place - there is no way she wouldn't suspect you of going back to her especially since you slept in the same room. She probably feels threatened (and rightly so since she snatched you) that NG will take you away.

Very poor decision taking - you should get all the people who knew about the times you didn't want her to come over to talk to UC to convince her you really didn't want to take her into your apartment and that you truly were trying to help with her accommodation problems. Just provide as much evidence from all the people involved, in fact if you can get NG's boyfriend to attest to the fact that he knew she would be staying at your place, that might help too.

Basically you took too big a risk - you escaped once and you should have gotten her to leave at that point.

Sorry that your 'assistance' has led to this kind of trouble

maybe now she'll find someone that will actually marry her.

I would not trust you after all that drama

I feel like you set yourself up bringing NG in without UC's consent. Shit always hits the fan and takes a drastic turn like it did. You need to try to prove yourself to UC and ask her where she truly wants to be.

I agree with all,

@ Poster,

Sorry your good heart and intentions are playing hard on you in respect to your situation. I took the pains to read your verbiage, and my advice would be that, you get NG to speak with UC. If possible arrange a meeting with the two girls while you are there and let NG herself explain the matter to UC.

On the alternative, a close family member discussion could also help out in resolving this dispute. If UC is suggesting it, you could also work around it and see how it goes.

Cheers.

I thank you all nairalanders for your objective clues. Honestly i feel so relieved even though i'm yet to execute your wonderful suggestions. sistawoman, their ages are NG 30 and UC 29. NG is now a degree holder in engineering (awaiting NYSC), while UC still battles admission which i've always masterminded. Like i said i chose UC because i love her, not for education or whatsoever. I 'm also aware the responsibility to train her rests on my shoulders since her parents would not be able to sponsor her. I have not made any formal introduction because i still want to lay a basic education foundation for before that. The incident is still very fresh as it started just this Tuesday 27th April. I am very close to most member of her family, but for all these years, they have never settled cases between us. So its just been difficult for me to start. Nevertheless, i will do as u all wished. NG with all pressure accepted to go talk to her, but she wouldn't listen to anybody. She would only believe we (NG and I) cooked up the story to make her believe. Besides, NG's Bf does not stay close otherwise, there would have been no need for her to seek my assistance for accommodation. Pataki, thanks so much. I shall try. The lord is my strenght.

tpm:
GIVE UC SOME TIME, SHE IS DEFINATELY VERY HURT RIGHT NOW, LET HER COOL OFF THEN APPROACH HER (NOT IN DEFENCE BUT IN ACCEPTANCE OF HER THOUGHTS AND OPINION) THEN CALMLY TELL HER NOTHING HAPPENED OR WILL EVER HAPPEN BETWEEN YOU AND NG (?)

NG HAD BETTER BE OUT OF YOUR CRIB BY NOW (MAN I FEEL YOU, ALMOST DID A DUMB ACT LIKE YOUR'S BUT THANK GOD MINE WASN'T THAT STUPID AND I DIDN'T FALL FOR THE PITY BAIT).

NEVER ASSIST SOMEONEELSE AGAINST THE WILL, DESIRES AND ESPECIALLY KNOWLEDGE OF YOUR LOVED ONES, THE SHIT LATER AINT WORTH THE TROUBL EIN THE END.

I sugest you get NG's BF here by hook or crook to talk with UC.

I suggest that you beg UC.

And I suggest that formally propose to her ASAP.

be back in a bit.

which one is 12 year relationship nah?

I cant even read the rest of your story.

lmao.

Don't judge - they started when she was 17 now she is 29.

How come she hasn't even gained admission by this time? What about the 8 year old child?

You have waited long enough - marry her with whatever you have unless her parents think you are too poor, then they can marry her themselves.

If you were married you would not be able to bring NG into your single bedroom to share with you and UC.

Ughhhh.

Was just having fun too

Debosky, she might have put school on hold to raise the child? maybe

OP, have you done family intro? if you have, then get a trusted family member to help you.

I don't blame UC for thinking you cheated on her. You slept on the same bed with NG for how many days?
If you and UC have been together this long and are planning to marry, how come you don't live with her and your child?
If she's within visiting range, you guys should definitely be living together.
That aside, I think you made a big mistake by now telling UC about NG staying over but I think it can still be repaired. You should ask NG to talk to UC and if possible, get one of her family members to help you intervene. There's nothing more painful when your fiancee feels she cannot trust you.
After this thing dies down, you will need to regain her trust again and it will take a long time. I wish you the best of luck.

post too long
sorry cant read
am alergic to bullshit!!

@poster
for the 1st tyme in a long while
im preety confused on dis 1

190:

@poster
for the 1st tyme in a long while
im preety confused on dis 1

The chances of getting the desired outcome is very slim.

@ poster sorry can`t read all this
next thread

I wonder why everyone keeps throwing the M word around as if that's what defines a successful relationship. Bar none, if both are content with the quo they have right now, marriage can wait. Take your time, resolve your issue.

From the little I read
Why would you keep that kind of information from your lady? It ain't right.

C2H5OH:

I wonder why everyone keeps throwing the M word around as if that's what defines a successful relationship.  Bar none, if both are content with the quo they have right now, marriage can wait. Take your time, resolve your issue.

From the little I read
Why would you keep that kind of information from your lady?  It ain't right.

That's what happens when you don't read the entire post. UC obviously wants to get married - how many 29 year old naija women with an 8 year old kid do you know who don't want to marry?

That said, some inconsistencies are emerging in this story - you claimed you started going out with UC after she came visiting you in school right? And the relationship is 12years old right? Now can you kindly explain the highlighted:

tpm:

Though NG is good and a wonderful girl too, but I can’t go back to her because I don’t feel anything for her since after we broke up in school four years ago.

How can you have a 12 year relationship with UC when you broke up with NG 4 years ago? 

debosky:

That's what happens when you don't read the entire post. UC obviously wants to get married - how many 29 year old naija women with an 8 year old kid do you know who don't want to marry?

That was more of a general statement, irrespective of the thread.


--
If UC wants to get married then the responsibility also lies on her to find someone who is ready to take that next step with her, pronto, if OP isn't. He is wasting her time as much as she's wasting her time by staying with him.

this is really serious ohhh

what has been holding u two fron getting married for the

past 12 yrs, UC tried oh to extent of havin ur baby and u

still marry her. wat a waste of time

~ Ten-Ten Love ~

debosky:

Don't judge - they started when she was 17 now she is 29. 

sorry, but I have to when women sell themselves short over something they'll regret and moan about later on.


Didnt Omotola"s husband marry her at 18? This lady clocked 24,25,26 right before her dude's face and all he gave her was cake, if at all he even did.


How can someone date a girl for 12 solid years with nothing to show for it? What else is left for him to find out about her that he doesnt already know, will she appreciate or depreciate in his eyes, and if she wasnt good enough for him to marry for 12 years, when will she ever be good enough? After she turns 39?

I know too many women who were left high and dry after the man chopped them freely for years oh

Not good at all. Some remain bitter for a long time afterwards.

tpiah:

sorry, but I have to when women sell themselves short over something they'll regret and moan about later on.


Didnt Omotola"s husband marry her at 18? This lady clocked 24,25,26 right before her dude's face and all he gave her was cake, if at all he even did.


How can someone date a girl for 12 solid years with nothing to show for it? What else is left for him to find out about her that he doesnt already know, will she appreciate or depreciate in his eyes, and if she wasnt good enough for him to marry for 12 years, when will she ever be good enough? After she turns 39?

I know too many women who were left high and dry after the man chopped them freely for years oh

Not good at all. Some remain bitter for a long time afterwards.

mmmmmmmmmmm