jnrbayano:
You said she is a "wife material"

You want to marry a wife.

You love "refined material"

Now, if you can answer these questions honestly, you will quickly come out of your dilemma.

1. On what basis do you hinge your priority?

2. Can a wife material later become a refined material?

3. Can a refined material later become a wife material?

on d basis of a wife, I hinge my priority but remember that for me not to cheat on her later, she should be a compatible companion and best friend to me in order not to give me that space. I see where you are headed in d 2nd & 3rd que. This will be my last hope. Only if she will pick up fast and get refined along the way as we journey together. My indecision and fear arose from d snail-speed at which d refining is going. But I honestly prefer a wife to a refined material. Maybe I'm too greedy and want d best of both worlds.

onegig:
Who has English helped? Has speaking phoney helped the marriages of those ladies with toothpick legs?

There are more important things than all what you have listed and those things she has graciously passed as you attested to.

She has shown she is willing to learn and has put in effort to do so with positives. So what else do you want?

You seem young and inexperienced to understand that nothing trumps the inner beauty which this lady exudes. Do what you feel is right. It's your call.

bro, I'm not so young but you're right when you say I'm inexperienced cos every bachelor or intending family man is still inexperienced until you enrol in the game. All the same I'm satisfied with ur contribution. Tnx a lot

Iamthewatcher:
on d basis of a wife, I hinge my priority but remember that for me not to cheat on her later, she should be a compatible companion and best friend to me in order not to give me that space. I see where you are headed in d 2nd & 3rd que. This will be my last hope. Only if she will pick up fast and get refined along the way as we journey together. My indecision and fear arose from d snail-speed at which d refining is going. But I honestly prefer a wife to a refined material. Maybe I'm too greedy and want d best of both worlds.

Take care of this fundamental problem expressed in the embolden first.

"Cheating" is never a marriage clause under no circumstance.

I would advice the lady to move on and forget you as this marriage will definitely turn into a nightmare for her in the not too distant future.
She is an excellent person from all you write and i'm sure will find a man deserving of her,who even though will want her a bit more polished won't view her failings in this as such a huge deal.

Nothing you do will polish her to the extent you want..being 'local' from birth really has no cure.She will clean up a lot but will never be posh posh,so this your exercise in changing her to suit your taste is a waste.

See all the changes you want her to implement just to suit you?How are you yourself?When you go out and see all them fly chicks who speak properly and know how to use a fish knife you'll start tormenting the poor woman.

You are also stating that she will have to meet your standard so you won't cheat.I wonder how she feels having to jump so many hoops for a mere man?Very depressed i presume but will be smiling through it all.It wont get better ,you will be frustrated because you will always be correcting her and for her she will get irritated at having you sniping at her feet every second.

Nothing wrong in what you want,i just question your wisdom in embarking on changing a person completely and then giving conditions ontop.Go for someone who meets your approval,who wont be suffering through walking on eggshells in the bid to please you.The poor girl will definitely have a massive chip on her shoulder by the time you are through with her.

This union is dead on arrival,i suggest she leaves you for her future sanity.Yes it will hurt,but it will be better for her in the long run.But will you both listen? NO. I'm expecting stories that touch soon.
Cheers!!

I am not married yet, but I would advice you not to marry her. your fears alone would still make you see her as inferior later in life. I have always heard that if you cannot live with what you see in someone now,it is better you let go because chances are they may not change. you can help her with the hygiene and all that if you genuinely want to without all this yada yada.

put yourself in her shoes,if the reverse were to be the case. would you want to be a puppet in someone's hand?

" I want her to be a nurse "really ? well you mentioned you are rearing her. Please look for a woman you won't have to rear like she is a farm animal. Compatibility here is 0 and that spells a life of frustration ahead.

U

Jahblessme:
I would advice the lady to move on and forget you as this marriage will definitely turn into a nightmare for her in the not too distant future.
She is an excellent person from all you write and i'm sure will find a man deserving of her,who even though will want her a bit more polished won't view her failings in this as such a huge deal.

Nothing you do will polish her to the extent you want..being 'local' from birth really has no cure.She will clean up a lot but will never be posh posh,so this your exercise in changing her to suit your taste is a waste.

See all the changes you want her to implement just to suit you?How are you yourself?When you go out and see all them fly chicks who speak properly and know how to use a fish knife you'll start tormenting the poor woman.

You are also stating that she will have to meet your standard so you won't cheat.I wonder how she feels having to jump so many hoops for a mere man?Very depressed i presume but will be smiling through it all.It wont get better ,you will be frustrated because you will always be correcting her and for her she will get irritated at having you sniping at her feet every second.

Nothing wrong in what you want,i just question your wisdom in embarking on changing a person completely and then giving conditions ontop.Go for someone who meets your approval,who wont be suffering through walking on eggshells in the bid to please you.The poor girl will definitely have a massive chip on her shoulder by the time you are through with her.

This union is dead on arrival,i suggest she leaves you for her future sanity.Yes it will hurt,but it will be better for her in the long run.But will you both listen? NO. I'm expecting stories that touch soon.
Cheers!!

Thanks,you typed straight from my heart.

Op I understand your fears, but I want to ask if after 2 years of dating her what has been the honest view about your family members and your friends about her? Do they approve about the relationship cause am sure they also see some of the flaws in her.
Did you even put the place of God in this relationship, have you prayed about it?
Cause the highlighted flaws about her might have been aggravated by your own standard of a future partner.

Iamthewatcher:
I sincerely appreciate ur contribution bro but nobody is saying something about d age gap.

u welcum...age is jst a number bro...moreover it's onli 2yrs,wich means u two are in d same age bracket...
age is not a measure of maturity,so it shudnt constitute any form of hinderance,unless u attaching too much importance to it...

to start with, dont ever date some1 u cant marry. At home she has d attributes of a wife n mother bt outside, she doesnt fit into the lady like kind of woman. And dt is a vry big blow to u. If u can be patient enof, marry her 1st, then send her to school but u may hv to delay havin children so d load wont be much. Am sure d university education/life wud transform her to d standard u want frm her.

Her waec result is nothing to write home about. In fact she wasted her time in secondary school as far as I'm concerned and when I asked her why she was such an olodo,

This babe don hear am.
I wish her goodluck. She will need it.

Jahblessme:
I would advice the lady to move on and forget you as this marriage will definitely turn into a nightmare for her in the not too distant future.
She is an excellent person from all you write and i'm sure will find a man deserving of her,who even though will want her a bit more polished won't view her failings in this as such a huge deal.

Nothing you do will polish her to the extent you want..being 'local' from birth really has no cure.She will clean up a lot but will never be posh posh,so this your exercise in changing her to suit your taste is a waste.

See all the changes you want her to implement just to suit you?How are you yourself?When you go out and see all them fly chicks who speak properly and know how to use a fish knife you'll start tormenting the poor woman.

You are also stating that she will have to meet your standard so you won't cheat.I wonder how she feels having to jump so many hoops for a mere man?Very depressed i presume but will be smiling through it all.It wont get better ,you will be frustrated because you will always be correcting her and for her she will get irritated at having you sniping at her feet every second.

Nothing wrong in what you want,i just question your wisdom in embarking on changing a person completely and then giving conditions ontop.Go for someone who meets your approval,who wont be suffering through walking on eggshells in the bid to please you.The poor girl will definitely have a massive chip on her shoulder by the time you are through with her.

This union is dead on arrival,i suggest she leaves you for her future sanity.Yes it will hurt,but it will be better for her in the long run.But will you both listen? NO. I'm expecting stories that touch soon.
Cheers!!

alright, it won't come to the point of "stories that touch". While d advice keep coming in, I'll be examining and counter-examining my heart and decisions. TNX

Chillis:




This babe don hear am.
I wish her goodluck. She will need it.

no be lyk dat, maybe I sounded so brash but I just stripped my case bare for all to get it. I used dt olodo word to get her on her feet and be ready to learn.

jabojafa:
to start with, dont ever date some1 u cant marry. At home she has d attributes of a wife n mother bt outside, she doesnt fit into the lady like kind of woman. And dt is a vry big blow to u. If u can be patient enof, marry her 1st, then send her to school but u may hv to delay havin children so d load wont be much. Am sure d university education/life wud transform her to d standard u want frm her.

it's alright, I appreciate ur advice.

Olalan:
Op I understand your fears, but I want to ask if after 2 years of dating her what has been the honest view about your family members and your friends about her? Do they approve about the relationship cause am sure they also see some of the flaws in her.
Did you even put the place of God in this relationship, have you prayed about it?
Cause the highlighted flaws about her might have been aggravated by your own standard of a future partner.

my people have no problems with her cos of her good manners but I'm d one who knows so many other private things like d ones previously mentioned, about her. They seem not to have issues with her educational background since I'll still send her to school later.

jnrbayano:

Take care of this fundamental problem expressed in the embolden first.
"Cheating" is never a marriage clause under no circumstance.

Ok, I got it

Iamthewatcher:
I met my fiancee some few yrs ago. [b]I've agreed to marry her [/b]but there are factors I still want to give a final consideration before signing the dotted lines.

She must be a wonderful cook.

All the best.

See the best advice is for you to leave this lady. Yes you've invested into her, but the negative you have superseded the positive value. All I see here is a marriage dead on arrival. Somebody is taken her up in no time.

Iamthewatcher:
no be lyk dat, maybe I sounded so brash but I just stripped my case bare for all to get it. I used dt olodo word to get her on her feet and be ready to learn.

And that's the best way to correct someone you love?
Does she correct you by being insulting to u?

I really pity that lady.. You practically control her life.. You want her to be this, you want her to be that..nawa oo.. Are you perfect yourself? That lady really has no say in that relationship...

A refined girl is who fits you best, let me see how you'll control and talk to her like you do to this lady...

OP, I 'm sorry but this is rada disappointing. Hw can u go thru all these with a woman&now be contemplating weda or not 2 marry her? Y didn't u leave her 4 sumone in her "level" as u put it, who will accept her d way she is.

@Op; quit being a PRIMA DONNA. From my observation, it takes a man only few weeks/months and not few years to know if the lady he is currently with WOULD END UP BEING HIS WIFE. You’ve stated both good and bad traits that your GF has; but from the look of things, you just can’t look beyond the bad traits. What I can’t understand is why you even said HELLO to her initially let alone going ahead to date her for a few LONG and LONELY years; when you knew from day one that she had a fat tummy, older than you and not literate enough; I just can’t bring myself to understand it.

Permit me asking this question, how would you feel if someone constantly criticizes you? Due to your constant annoyance, abuse and criticism at your GF, you’ve made her feel inferior to you especially in the area of your literacy and polished way of going about your stuff; Oh please give her a break and quit shocking her. You’re also rubbing salt into her wound by constantly referring to her not being literate enough.

In your case, you made a statement that “for me not to cheat on her later”; (you ain’t even married yet and you’re already contemplating cheating on her) that alone is a RED HERRING and when the opportunity presents itself, you probably might not have the self control to resist. BEST BELIEVE, TEMPTATIONS WOULD ARISE.

You talk as if you yourself are Mr 100% perfect and have no flaws. Listen up dude, I'm sure your GF is putting up with your fault/flaws without blowing your trumpet as loud as you’re blowing hers. If your GF were to make a list of your short-comings, it’ll be as long as my arm but yet, she manages yours and probably don’t complain so much as you’re whining about hers. I can just imagine the agony and pains your GF’s going through as you constantly barrage and correct her over frivolity.

Although you've mentioned sending her to school; what happens if she’s still not polished enough for you and able to articulately speak the MICHELLE OBAMA/QUEENS’ ENGLISH AS YOU WANT? Would that not irritate you and even compound the situation even more? Best believe, she can be sent to school but still not be polished enough for you and THAT’LL REMAIN A PROBLEM. The imperfections that a spouse has is what makes them unique.

You made mention about the age factor; well, as long as she knows not to use the age gap to disrespect you and you in-turn not to use that as an obstacle to chastise or castigate her; then I don’t see why you want to throw this opportunity away simply because the society at large might frown at the age difference. Aside that, some women might not look their age and with advancement in technology as well as having a good diet/health routine (which includes exercise) she probably might age gracefully; hence, you might not need to worry too much about her looking older than you.

Note these 2 points;

1) Never marry anyone out of pity simply because you have been with them for a long time and you don’t want them to lose out.

2) Marry for true love so that when the challenges start occurring in the marital bond (and best believe challenges would arise) that the love both of you have built up would be able to withstand the ups and downs that would occur; take note that MARRIAGE IS NOT A BED OF ROSES.

It would be in your best interest to TO AVOID PROLONGING THIS MATTER ANY LONGER. She is a woman whose biological clock is ticking and if you honestly would not be able to look beyond the “PROBLEM AREAS” you’ve mentioned above; PLEASE FREE HER AND FREE YOURSELF. Don’t have a selfish attitude (No offence hope none taken) where you want to have your cake and eat it by keeping her and STILL HAVING THESE NAGGING DOUBTS/ISSUES THAT YOU CAN’T OVERLOOK.

You mentioned that your family is cool with her; which is good; but note that it is not your family that would be living with her in your home; it's YOU and once you have these doubts occurring then please look into these doubts carefully now in the courting stage of your relationship.

The decision is yours entirely whether to carry on with her or let her be; though it'll be totally out of a selfish interest to allow her to chase other men away (one man’s meet is another man’s poison) with her knowledge that she has met her husband; meanwhile her man is in doubt if he has met his wife; as that’s the way it looks at the moment. I’ll strongly advice you to think deeply before pulling the plug on the relationship. Also note that you might find a younger lady (who might deal with you mercilessly through her character), more educated and flat tummy but might not be a “Wife material”.

FOR LADIES, PLEASE AND PLEASE don't ever wait and stay glued to a man that is more interested in changing you to meet his standards. Never say there might not be another man available to love you for who and how you are as that would be a fallacy and totally wrong. You probably might be chasing other men who meet your criteria away by remaining with the one you are managing to your own detriment.

On a side note, the constant dry mouth your GF suffers from might be as a result of some under-lying health issues such as diabetes which can make one have a constant dry mouth; let her go for a health check to rule out diabetes and any other health issues she might not be aware of.

Finally, remember this saying; HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED.

I rest my case

Perhaps Op has seen an oloyinbo girl outside


uote author=RobinHez post=39563411]And why are u just considering all these things now[/quote]

Iamthewatcher:
I met my fiancee some few yrs ago. I've agreed to marry her but there are factors I still want to give a final consideration before signing the dotted lines. These are:

1. She is not literate but willing to go to school. I never dreamt of marrying an illiterate when I, myself is a graduate. Her waec result is nothing to write home about. In fact she wasted her time in secondary school as far as I'm concerned and when I asked her why she was such an olodo, she quickly blamed those she lived with. She said because she was more or less a maid then, she hadn't much time for her studies and that's why she failed woefully. When I met her, her use of english was zero and I had to exert much effort to bring her to the level where she could converse freely with me at least in english. She retook her ssce and credited all subjects except math.

2. She's 2yrs and 3months older than me. Some argue that a woman will age first when older and that's the reason men go for younger women or at worst, their age mates.

3: She sometimes feel inferior to me cos' of my literacy and polished way of going about my stuff.

4. She has a fat tummy. This I perceived to be an upshot of her eating habit before I met her. Can you believe that it was when I started staying close to her that I discovered that she doesn't drink water after eating. Maybe she does that very much later. She was an expert in devouring meat with her friends and never exercised. I also had to teach her to drink water first thing in the morning before taking breakfast. I discovered that her mouth was always dry as a result of this disgusting lifestyle. If she wants to have a word with me in low tone, I do perceive some offensive odours from the mouth sometimes. All this are changing slowly now cos' a damage of so many years can't just be corrected overnight. I'm putting much effort into rearing her cos' she's a wife material.

There are one or two other drawbacks I won't like to go into now as the aforementioned factors are the ones that baffle me the most. I sometimes get so annoyed and start abusing her. But she also has her good sides that even attracted me to her which are:

1. She is well-mannered.
2. She can cook very well.
3. She is very hospitable.
4. She's very respectful.
5: She's pretty and fair.
6. She's a wife material.
7. She's reserved.

The crux here is that we are presently, not on the same page as far as being learned and refined is concerned and I want to marry someone who'll be very refined as well. Though we stay as friends but I feel she doesn't measure up.
So my people, if you were in my shoes, can you go ahead and marry her despite these bad sides??
Pls and pls, helpful comments will suffice.

Cc: Lalasticlala

My dear, NOBODY is perfect. If you truly love this woman, you have to accept her for who she is. Yes, you can try to make her better, try to 'polish' her . . . but do this with patience and love, so she doesn't resent you later in life.

Sometimes we need to draw a line, what we can live with and what we can't.

Can you tolerate living with someone with 'disgusting eating habits' . . . . Because what happens when your well-meaning efforts to 'train' her does not work and she later reverts back to her old self. You will have two choices, either live with it and love her inspite of it . . . of hate her!

We always advice women not to marry men, hoping to change them. The same also applies to men. If a woman does not have the qualities you desire, no need to waste time trying to change her. If you really love her, learn to live with it!

From the good qualities you listed above, she comes off as a real home maker. One who would help you build a loving and safe family.

I think you should be content with that.

Just my opinion!

toksbisola:
@Op; quit being a PRIMA DONNA. From my observation, it takes a man only few weeks/months and not few years to know if the lady he is currently with WOULD END UP BEING HIS WIFE. You’ve stated both good and bad traits that your GF has; but from the look of things, you just can’t look beyond the bad traits. What I can’t understand is why you even said HELLO to her initially let alone going ahead to date her for a few LONG and LONELY years; when you knew from day one that she had a fat tummy, older than you and not literate enough; I just can’t bring myself to understand it.

Permit me asking this question, how would you feel if someone constantly criticizes you? Due to your constant annoyance, abuse and criticism at your GF, you’ve made her feel inferior to you especially in the area of your literacy and polished way of going about your stuff; Oh please give her a break and quit shocking her. You’re also rubbing salt into her wound by constantly referring to her not being literate enough.

In your case, you made a statement that “for me not to cheat on her later”; (you ain’t even married yet and you’re already contemplating cheating on her) that alone is a RED HERRING and when the opportunity presents itself, you probably might not have the self control to resist. BEST BELIEVE, TEMPTATIONS WOULD ARISE.

You talk as if you yourself are Mr 100% perfect and have no flaws. Listen up dude, I'm sure your GF is putting up with your fault/flaws without blowing your trumpet as loud as you’re blowing hers. If your GF were to make a list of your short-comings, it’ll be as long as my arm but yet, she manages yours and probably don’t complain so much as you’re whining about hers. I can just imagine the agony and pains your GF’s going through as you constantly barrage and correct her over frivolity.

Although you've mentioned sending her to school; what happens if she’s still not polished enough for you and able to articulately speak the MICHELLE OBAMA/QUEENS’ ENGLISH AS YOU WANT? Would that not irritate you and even compound the situation even more? Best believe, she can be sent to school but still not be polished enough for you and THAT’LL REMAIN A PROBLEM. The imperfections that a spouse has is what makes them unique.

You made mention about the age factor; well, as long as she knows not to use the age gap to disrespect you and you in-turn not to use that as an obstacle to chastise or castigate her; then I don’t see why you want to throw this opportunity away simply because the society at large might frown at the age difference. Aside that, some women might not look their age and with advancement in technology as well as having a good diet/health routine (which includes exercise) she probably might age gracefully; hence, you might not need to worry too much about her looking older than you.

Note these 2 points;

1) Never marry anyone out of pity simply because you have been with them for a long time and you don’t want them to lose out.

2) Marry for true love so that when the challenges start occurring in the marital bond (and best believe challenges would arise) that the love both of you have built up would be able to withstand the ups and downs that would occur; take note that MARRIAGE IS NOT A BED OF ROSES.

It would be in your best interest to TO AVOID PROLONGING THIS MATTER ANY LONGER. She is a woman whose biological clock is ticking and if you honestly would not be able to look beyond the “PROBLEM AREAS” you’ve mentioned above; PLEASE FREE HER AND FREE YOURSELF. Don’t have a selfish attitude (No offence hope none taken) where you want to have your cake and eat it by keeping her and STILL HAVING THESE NAGGING DOUBTS/ISSUES THAT YOU CAN’T OVERLOOK.

You mentioned that your family is cool with her; which is good; but note that it is not your family that would be living with her in your home; it's YOU and once you have these doubts occurring then please look into these doubts carefully now in the courting stage of your relationship.

The decision is yours entirely whether to carry on with her or let her be; though it'll be totally out of a selfish interest to allow her to chase other men away (one man’s meet is another man’s poison) with her knowledge that she has met her husband; meanwhile her man is in doubt if he has met his wife; as that’s the way it looks at the moment. I’ll strongly advice you to think deeply before pulling the plug on the relationship. Also note that you might find a younger lady (who might deal with you mercilessly through her character), more educated and flat tummy but might not be a “Wife material”.

FOR LADIES, PLEASE AND PLEASE don't ever wait and stay glued to a man that is more interested in changing you to meet his standards. Never say there might not be another man available to love you for who and how you are as that would be a fallacy and totally wrong. You probably might be chasing other men who meet your criteria away by remaining with the one you are managing to your own detriment.

On a side note, the constant dry mouth your GF suffers from might be as a result of some under-lying health issues such as diabetes which can make one have a constant dry mouth; let her go for a health check to rule out diabetes and any other health issues she might not be aware of.

Finally, remember this saying; HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED.

I rest my case

+100 likes!

Iamthewatcher:
on d basis of a wife, I hinge my priority but remember that for me not to cheat on her later, she should be a compatible companion and best friend to me in order not to give me that space. I see where you are headed in d 2nd & 3rd que. This will be my last hope. Only if she will pick up fast and get refined along the way as we journey together. My indecision and fear arose from d snail-speed at which d refining is going. But I honestly prefer a wife to a refined material. Maybe I'm too greedy and want d best of both worlds.

Your cheating (or not) is entirely up to you . . . There is absolutely NOTHING your partner could do (or not do) that would prevent you from cheating if that is where you are headed anyways.

You come off as someone who doesn't like taking responsibilities for his actions. You have also acknowledged your greed which is a very unattractive trait. People like you make the worst companions ever . . . do you even realize this

You may think you are 'polished' enough, but believe me, there are a lot of other guys out there who are 100% better than you are. So it's not like you are the gold medal. How will you feel if someone made you feel worthless and less capable, just because you have a weakness in a place or two

Marriage is a journey two people embark on TOGETHER. This is not just about you!

There's no perfect human being anywhere including you. Circumstances and background shape our behaviours

Solution send her to a refinement school where she'll learn manners and civility in doing things then add that to her goood sides, she'll make one hell of a woman

If you're not patient enough don't forget other men have eyes to spot a wife material abi wetin unable dey call am

Bottom line .your excuses aren't genuine

Cutehector:
If u no wan marry am, gime make I marry jor..

Case closed.

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don't throw away a shoe because it is dusty. polish it.

i smell lies


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I don't like to present myself as I'll-mannered but with all reasonable respect, permit me to say that YOU ARE SILLY!!!!
You are simply a highly skilled, well read and very polished silly under-grown man..
See your mouth like measure up and level::
What lever is it you acquire in English language that is not your mothers tongue that makes you lash out of your lady now.ehh
All this kindaf men that want to marry queen Elizabeth when they only Charles Taylor...
Mtcheeew