Hello friends at home, work, road, etc.

It’s that time of the year again, when Nigerian men and women abroad, inbroad and neighbouringcountrybroad will be returning home in droves via the Innit Express, American Ferry, South African Trains, God is Good Gateways, ABC Alphabets and The Young Shall Wakawaka.

Again, if you're in Naija, it’s that time of the year for singles, when Mummy and Daddy you love, uncles and aunties you don’t care about, cousins whose names you don’t remember, neighbours you can barely tolerate, former classmates you never liked, friends and well-wishers etc., will come and be asking you that very annoying question: When are you getting married?

In previous years, this may have caused you some sleepless nights and even had some of you afraid of going home. Well, fret no more. I have come up with a solution to this problem—a comprehensive list of answers you can present to your friends and family this season.

*Terms and conditions apply sha.
*Please use at your discretion. If these answers should result in any fights or feuds, the author shall not be held liable. Not suitable for singles still living with their parents or guardians.
Here goes!

PART A
These tame, cheeky answers can be used for parents, guardians and those on whose good side you want to remain.
“So, when are you getting married?”.... :

“When I’m ready.”
“When I find The One/my Soulmate.”
“I’m waiting for God’s will.”
“February 31st.”
“When you stop asking me.”

PART B
The answers here are for situations where you want to be a bit sarcastic and quickly throw off your interrogators.
“So, when are you getting married?”:

“When she proposes.”
“Are you proposing?”
“I’m joining the seminary.”
“My sugarmummy won’t permit me.”
“He proposed and I said no.”

PART C
Now, if you really want to shake things up, cause some kwanta or be disowned, these answers in PART C are just perfect!

Aunty-wey-too-like-gossip: “So, when are we coming to eat rice?”
“When the Federal Government lifts the ban on rice importation.”
"When Abakaliki rice comes in a sachet."

“When is that young man bringing your father wine?”
“When he opens his own wine shop.”

Neighbour Whatshisname: “When are you getting married?”
“During the next blood moon.”
“This year...next year...sometime or never.."

That Uncle that likes to hug too tight: “My baby, you’re not getting any younger. When are you bringing home a man/wife?”
“Uncle, you’re not getting younger either. When are you bringing home an undertaker?”
“When bride price is abolished.”
“I’m too much for one man and not enough for two.”

Nosy Former Classmate: “My dear, why are you still single?”
“You, why are you still married?”
“I’m waiting for Nicki Minaj to become born again/ I’m waiting for Idris Elba to get a divorce.”
“I’m gay. In Naija. Figure it out.”

That Aunty that’s not even related to you: “My daughter, time is not on your side.”
“How are we related again?”
“What’s the rush? We’ve only been dating for ten years. Give us time, abeg.”

Oversabi Colleague: “When are we wearing your aso-ebi?”
“Tomorrow. Didn’t you get the Facebook invitation?”
“Do you want to sponsor the wedding?”
“My single hasn’t yet expired.”

Concerned Pastor: “My brother/sister, I’m worried about you. When are you planning to change your single status?”
“Even the son of man knoweth not the time or day…”
“I have a spirit husband/wife….and I don’t want to commit adultery by marrying someone else in the physical.”
“Single may last for a night, but marriage cometh in the morning.”
“No condition is permanent.
“In God we trust.”

That money-miss-road-cousin: “Coz, coz, how far nah?”
“To infinity and beyond.”

Eketi Ette ©2015.
Twitter: @Ketimay
Instagram: @ketimae
Blog: ketimae.
Facebook: https://mobile.facebook.com/ThisEketi/?ref=bookmarks

I will Marry when the OP gives me a yes

Op nice post, but what actually caught my attention was the photo of Raven Symone that you used. She was freaking hilarious in the sitcom- "That's So Raven"
I had a crush on her, and I still do....
I have a thing for funny ladies, especially when they are pretty.

when I'm of age

@OP what's all that epistle you wrote for?
I'm ready.... will you marry me?

Vision 2020

phelanor:
Vision 2020

Exactly!

Ma'am, how many of these responses have you used?

Before Jesus comes...

Never!!!!!!!!

When the time is right..............maybe next year, maybe in ten years time

Ketimae:

Exactly!

exactly what
it depends on your age though.
and when you meet someone.
you don't just up and "ok I want to marry now" and you marry the next pesn you see

Bbsharon:
Before Jesus comes...

.....