My relation, an only child, got married last year in Kaduna. 6 months after, following a quarrel with her husband, she left to stay with her parents without informing my relation. Efforts to get her back to her husband were unsuccessful as her mummy insisted the daughter would remain till she is delivered of the pregnancy she was carrying at the time. Unfortunately, she lost the pregnancy and my relation refused to settle the medical bills for the reason that she left her matrimonial home without his permission. The wife and her mum stuck to their guns that the good lady would remain in Kaduna.

Meanwhile, my relation's mother (and only surviving parent) was afflicted with stroke - which left her bedridden - which made him focus his efforts in trying to revive his mother. The wife, meanwhile knew about this but didn't come down to assist. Finding it awkward to handle his mother, a former girlfriend came to the 'rescue'. Recently, the mother died - and that is when the wife decided to come down from Kaduna, especially when she heard that his ex girl had been with her husband. My relation is angry and doesn't want anything to do with her, in fact he has gone ahead to pay dowry on the former girl because 'she was available when help was needed badly'. Now the wife has been pestering me to intervene - prior to this, she never called me - because she realised how very close the husband is with me.

I have discussed with my relation and he insists he cannot take her back for not coming down when his mother was ill - he believed she would abandon him shd he fall into difficult times. The wife is seriously pleading that I should help her reconcile them both. She recognises her mistake but my brother would none of it. As a christian, I don't accept 2nd wife and I told my brother so. He replied that he was not bound by such beliefs, moreso as he was only married traditionally.

I'm hoping to meet with him at the burial when I hope we can settle things well. Meanwhile he has informed the '1st wife' to stay off the burial ceremonies and insists it is over.

People, what do you advise? Any hope to reconcile or I shouldn't waste my time?

feelgood:

My relation, an only child, got married last year in Kaduna. 6 months after, following a quarrel with her husband, she left to stay with her parents without informing my relation. Efforts to get her back to her husband were unsuccessful as her mummy insisted the daughter would remain till she is delivered of the pregnancy she was carrying at the time. Unfortunately, she lost the pregnancy and my relation refused to settle the medical bills for the reason that she left her matrimonial home without his permission. The wife and her mum stuck to their guns that the good lady would remain in Kaduna.

Meanwhile, my relation's mother (and only surviving parent) was afflicted with stroke - which left her bedridden - which made him focus his efforts in trying to revive his mother. The wife, meanwhile knew about this but didn't come down to assist. Finding it awkward to handle his mother, a former girlfriend came to the 'rescue'. Recently, the mother died - and that is when the wife decided to come down from Kaduna, especially when she heard that his ex girl had been with her husband. My relation is angry and doesn't want anything to do with her, in fact he has gone ahead to pay dowry on the former girl because 'she was available when help was needed badly'. Now the wife has been pestering me to intervene - prior to this, she never called me - because she realised how very close the husband is with me.

I have discussed with my relation and he insists he cannot take her back for not coming down when his mother was ill - he believed she would abandon him shd he fall into difficult times. The wife is seriously pleading that I should help her reconcile them both. She recognises her mistake but my brother would none of it. As a christian, I don't accept 2nd wife and I told my brother so. He replied that he was not bound by such beliefs, moreso as he was only married traditionally.

I'm hoping to meet with him at the burial when I hope we can settle things well. Meanwhile he has informed the '1st wife' to stay off the burial ceremonies and insists it is over.

People, what do you advise? Any hope to reconcile or I shouldn't waste my time?

if this was you what would you do?

feelgood:

My relation, an only child, got married last year in Kaduna. 6 months after, following a quarrel with her husband, she left to stay with her parents without informing my relation. Efforts to get her back to her husband were unsuccessful as her mummy insisted the daughter would remain till she is delivered of the pregnancy she was carrying at the time. Unfortunately, she lost the pregnancy and my relation refused to settle the medical bills for the reason that she left her matrimonial home without his permission. The wife and her mum stuck to their guns that the good lady would remain in Kaduna.

Meanwhile, my relation's mother (and only surviving parent) was afflicted with stroke - which left her bedridden - which made him focus his efforts in trying to revive his mother. The wife, meanwhile knew about this but didn't come down to assist. Finding it awkward to handle his mother, a former girlfriend came to the 'rescue'. Recently, the mother died - and that is when the wife decided to come down from Kaduna, especially when she heard that his ex girl had been with her husband. My relation is angry and doesn't want anything to do with her, in fact he has gone ahead to pay dowry on the former girl because 'she was available when help was needed badly'. Now the wife has been pestering me to intervene - prior to this, she never called me - because she realised how very close the husband is with me.

I have discussed with my relation and he insists he cannot take her back for not coming down when his mother was ill - he believed she would abandon him shd he fall into difficult times. The wife is seriously pleading that I should help her reconcile them both. She recognises her mistake but my brother would none of it. As a christian, I don't accept 2nd wife and I told my brother so. He replied that he was not bound by such beliefs, moreso as he was only married traditionally.

I'm hoping to meet with him at the burial when I hope we can settle things well. Meanwhile he has informed the '1st wife' to stay off the burial ceremonies and insists it is over.

People, what do you advise? Any hope to reconcile or I shouldn't waste my time?

what is there to advice if what u have written is true?There is nothing for her again oooo,its very obvious.She shld go marry her mum.
Ur seeking for advice is ridiculous  There is nothing to debate abt here.

What advice are u looking for, if your wife left you and still refused to come back knowing you mum was ill and decided to return when she felt she was being replaced, would you open your arms and receive her? Please, at least tell her to go and beg and explain herself , by herself. You weren't there when she was making her prior decisions, she did that all on her own. People should learn to take responsibility for their actions.

I hope she and her mother have a happy married life

Why would a woman leave her matrimonal home because of an argument? To top it all she was pregnanat. What kind of mother would allow her daughter to stay with her just after 6 months of marriage? She should have helped them resolve the problem instead of escalating it.


Well like some1 said

I hope she and her mother have a happy married life

I cant understand how some mothers act, keep her daughter away from the man they handed her over to.

Dude does the wife have a father? and what was his contribution to this mess.

I personally would not take such a wife back as it seems she was even happy the mother was dead otherwise why rush back when her husbands mother died and another girl in the corridor

If the man takes her back, she'll do it again. . . probably a worse version.

the answer is clear to you yourself, her running elter-skelter now is medicine after death.
http://mycomputersworld..com

@poster: put urself in ur relation's shoes,

Your relation is only making matters worse by rushing into another marriage. Just because his ex stood by him during one challenge does not mean that she is any better his wife. Besides, you are probably not telling the whole story. Is your relation a wife beater? Cos no parent will be in a hurry to send their daughter back to a wife beater.

Still waiting on the other side of the story. Who leaves a marriage after a simple argument? and doesnt return even when your mum is at death's door? and why are ex girlfriends so quick to re surface any chance they get?

well personally i feel that leaving ur husband, wasnt just her mom alone, she was in agreement, so why does she want to come back, she made the choice long before now, so let her take a hike, and jump from the nearest bridge ,

Gy tell ur relation (or u) let her get the hell out,

he has just found his real wife , who was with him through the rough and tough

As a christian we are, there is no sin that we cannot forgive, didn't he see the first gf before coming to marry his wife, the former gf is just an intruder and for crying out loud, the lady realize her mistakes and begs for forgiveness, let ur cousin forgive her. Everyone is prompt for mistake, tomorrow may be his turn to fall. thats my own little contribution.

@Poster

You've got me into this cock and bull fictitious thread. however, your thread seems so pathetic sob story pertinent to the guy. your thread could be a joke but worst things than this happens amongst couples. she really defined the kind of marriage she had preferred "FOR BETTER AND NOT FOR WORST" it happens every day in some matrimonial home and at last you will see the monster running back to the very home she abandoned. i knew of a guy who lost his capital in business years back. as a result of that, the wife left him. but right now, the guy is back on his feet big time. now the previous asshole came back knocking on the door for a second chance, what for?. women are fond of this dispeccable act but the truth is that no woman wants to be alone so why not exercise patience and hope for the better.

Let her mother that condoned her ''ilemoshu'' resolve the issue unless there is more to the story than what d poster has written

@feelgood,

There is still a lot we do not know.

What exactly was the cause of the argument? What kind of things have happened in the past to warrant the woman leaving her matrimonial home? Was the husband a wife-beater? Was her life threatened? Was her pregnancy at risk (though she lost it)? Was her husband performing his duties as a husband? What exactly happened? Has he been cheating on her with other women?

You see, to begin to make fast deductions will be unfair to both parties. However, I will like to state that except in cases where the wife is constantly being battered or physically assaulted or her life is being threatened by her husband, is she required to leave her matrimonial home (till issues are resolved, if at all they are). It makes no sense for a woman's life to be unsafe in her matrimonial home and she still remains there. If on the other hand, the reasons for her leaving her home isn't part of the ones given, then, I believe its better we hear her side of the story.

They both however, have a lot to learn about conflict resolution. 6 months is too short a time for this type of thing happening. For the woman to have involved her mother to help settle a score with her husband is not too good. What is still annoying is why will a mother not intervene positively to help settle the matter but rather refrain her daughter from returning home?

I really can't make anything from the story. How long has she been away from home? I sense that the man's ex-girlfriend must have contributed to the mess. Cos how do you explain a situation where she is still readily available after the wife left.

To the man, I will say, take heart on the loss of your mum (and baby). Please, don't allow a "strange woman" in the person of your ex-girlfriend destroy your home. The fact that she was there and you married your wife right before her eyes and under her nose, should tell you that your wife is better than her in many ways. The ex gf being there for you when you needed someone to be with you during your mum's illness might just disillusion you from seeing your wife the way you ought to. Remember your ex gf will cease the moment to play "good girl" so you can consider her to be the next in line(wife).

To both parties - Love covers a multitude of sins! If you both love yourselves, there is nothing that you both cannot accomplish together.

To the ex-gf - Abeg waka far !!!!! Go find your own husband!!!

jumie:

@feelgood,

There is still a lot we do not know.

What exactly was the cause of the argument? What kind of things have happened in the past to warrant the woman leaving her matrimonial home? Was the husband a wife-beater? Was her life threatened? Was her pregnancy at risk (though she lost it)? Was her husband performing his duties as a husband? What exactly happened? Has he been cheating on her with other women?

You see, to begin to make fast deductions will be unfair to both parties. However, I will like to state that except in cases where the wife is constantly being battered or physically assaulted or her life is being threatened by her husband, is she required to leave her matrimonial home (till issues are resolved, if at all they are). It makes no sense for a woman's life to be unsafe in her matrimonial home and she still remains there. If on the other hand, the reasons for her leaving her home isn't part of the ones given, then, I believe its better we hear her side of the story.

They both however, have a lot to learn about conflict resolution. 6 months is too short a time for this type of thing happening. For the woman to have involved her mother to help settle a score with her husband is not too good. What is still annoying is why will a mother not intervene positively to help settle the matter but rather refrain her daughter from returning home?

I really can't make anything from the story. How long has she been away from home? I sense that the man's ex-girlfriend must have contributed to the mess. Cos how do you explain a situation where she is still readily available after the wife left.

To the man, I will say, take heart on the loss of your mum (and baby). Please, don't allow a "strange woman" in the person of your ex-girlfriend destroy your home. The fact that she was there and you married your wife right before her eyes and under her nose, should tell you that your wife is better than her in many ways. The ex gf being there for you when you needed someone to be with you during your mum's illness might just disillusion you from seeing your wife the way you ought to. Remember your ex gf will cease the moment to play "good girl" so you can consider her to be the next in line(wife).

To both parties - Love covers a multitude of sins! If you both love yourselves, there is nothing that you both cannot accomplish together.

To the ex-gf - Abeg waka far !!!!! Go find your own husband!!!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! I feel like calling you a Mother-fuc-ker! but see no reason involving your mother

The gurl is a bitch sorry! the wife!

If the husband is a wife beater, I though the both dated each other! she should had made her decisions before marriage!
And mind you this marriage thing as pronounced in the altar is 'for better for worst!' so was the mess got wrong?

The gurl is jus being foolish.
And also what is the guarantee that she won't do worst?
Let her go and marry her mother!


Something of this nature was posted last month.
Because of a little dis-agreement the gurl wan't to wait for good 4 months before she forgive the boyfriend gosh!

well as a child of God we should learn to 4give no matter wht?
\

@Topic

If this story was told exactly how it happened, then the guy has no reason to take the wifey back, she should go marry her mom. This marriage thing, pple jump into it without having an inclination of all it takes and involve. (PATIENT, ENDURANCE, LOVE, TOLERANCE AND UNDERSTANDING) jus the least.

The girl was totaly wrong, the best time to make peace and settle scores would have been when the guy came back for her, but alas she stuck gun with her mom, now d gun don break kwoo??

Well, the guy might also be making his greatest mistake by jumping quick into another marriage and especially to the ex- who was there when he opted to marry the present, (or a questiion off destiny)

Ask him to take heart and be wise in his decision making. May God direct him.

There is no sin that is unpardonable as far as Christianity is involved.

Husband and wife is bound to each other except death do them part, so if any of them abandons each other and remarries, it is adultery.

That is why Christians should worship in churches where the real truth is been preached.

@Amalone

There's no need for name calling. Am sure you aint married and you sound very young! You have little knowledge on what marriage is all about.

Some posts are better left for knowledgeable people to handle. Some of us have been married for years and have better and clear understanding of how to have a blissful home.

I think another question to be asked is, what's the relationship between the wife and mother-in-law like?

The mum-in-law might be giving her hell (reason for her leaving when she was pregnant till she heard of her death), she was possibly praying that the trouble with her mother in law gets over with soon and here, her prayer was answered and she came back.

Guy, i am totally in support of Jumie's point of view, don't jump into another marriage when you have the chance to make the one you have work. you don't even know the role your ex has to play in this moving out thing, so please, have a good talk with your wife, know the real reason for her leaving, understand each other and have a blissfull marriage.

Best wishes

...

What i find particulary interesting is the fact that he said they only had a traditional marriage

"He replied that he was not bound by such beliefs, moreso as he was only married traditionally".

Is traditional marriage recognized legally? I am not sure if it is ,because i know that for your wedding to be legally recognized, it has to be a white or court marriage even though traditionally marriage is the way things are officially done in nigeria.

its sad that the wife walked out, for whatever reason. i think that the family of the man and the lady could have effectively sorted out the issue before it got out of hand. Like most people rightly observed, we do not know what was going on in the marriage, but once the mans mom became ill, that was a good opportunity for all differences to be kept aside.

I am a lady, but i will say that the babe no try sha. even if she wasnt going to get back with him, she should have made an effort, no matter how little to help the mom (if they were not on good terms, she should have made a move. if her offer to help was rejected, then her actions would have been justified ).

As for the man and his ex- well i cant blame him too much. yes he is married (traditional marriage: we knw pple who have broken off their engagement after a traditional wedding) and should have refused help from her, but the truth is, when you are vulnerable and people are kind to you, you cant help but develop feelings for them.

I think that if they can sort out their issues, that will be perfect, if not then maybe they should call it quits before they make themselves more miserable than they are

Sorry to hear of your loss!  Please, accept my condolence!  As a member of this club seven years ago, I lost my mother to CVA too and I know what you are going through.  Every loss is too painful however, the loss of a mother shakes and rocks your world to it's foundations.  No one understands it until it happens to them but time is the healer though, you'd never heal completely.

Considering this situation, as a Christain, I would forgive her but trust is an issue here.  THEY SAY THAT A FRIEND IN NEED IS A FRIEND IN DEED however, in this case it does not seem so.  This is one reason, I would not support any of my relatives marrying an 'Only child', male or female.  THEY ARE VERY SELFISH INDIVIDUALS - check it out!

These people don't know how to share as they'd never shared before in their lives nor being in a situation they had to share what they have with others.  You learn the act of 'give and take from childhood but in her case, she had no other sibblings to enable her experience this act so, what makes anyone think she would learn this now? You can't learn to use your left hand (assuming you're right handed or vice versa) in old age besides, A LEOPARD NEVER CHANGES ITS SPOTS.  Selfish people are selfish people, period!  Someone who deserted me when I needed them would never be considered a friend anymore though, I would forgive but there would never be any more closeness.

As far as am concerned, its a form of betrayal and I took my cue from the biblical betrayal Our Lord Jesus Christ suffered in the hands of Judas.
Yes, Our Lord Jesus Christ did forgive Judas but he never felt comfortable with Judas afterwards nor did he welcome him back into his fold and we know what happened to Judas after that experience therefore, SUPPORT MY BROTHER TO MOVE ON TO GREATER THINGS,   


A good wife/husband should stay with her/his husband/wife 'THICK AND THIN', that's what I say.  She is not ready for marriage neither is she prepared for the commitments.  It seems she just want only the good part of marriage without the urgly part but, you can't have one without the other. Every marriage has it's own issues but you deal with it as adults not running home to MAMA as that can cause more trouble because when there are three people are in a marriage, na TROUBLEOOOO!

PLEASE, BROTHER MOVE ON AND FIND A SUITABLE WIFE  however, based on the situation you are in right now, DON'T LET YOUR HEART RULE YOUR HEAD.

thablessed, apparently my initial post seems ambiguos. My relation is an only child and is the husband.

To others, great posts, keep em coming. Even b4, the guy married, the mom had not been in a very fit state (she could not attend the wedding). Also, the wife and him courted for 6 years b4 coming together and she knew his mother pretty well. The wife has realised she made a mistake and has apologised to the guy, my brother, but he would not hear of it. He is just mad that she was not there for him when his mum needed help most.

He has informed me that he has paid the new girl's dowry - but I dont believe him since none of us (his relations) went with him; moreso I dont believe any right thinking family would want to give away their daughter when there is a present bereavement.

I shall see my brother at the burial - meanwhile folks pls keep the comments coming, they are helping me to view other perspectives

Miss EZ:

What i find particulary interesting is the fact that he said they only had a traditional marriage

"He replied that he was not bound by such beliefs, moreso as he was only married traditionally".

Is traditional marriage recognized legally? I am not sure if it is ,because i know that for your wedding to be legally recognized, it has to be a white or court marriage even though traditionally marriage is the way things are officially done in nigeria.

To answer your question I would like to say 'Yes' traditional marriage is legally recognised in Nigeria. 

Nigerian Constitution allows four different kinds of marriages:

a) Church wedding (the so called White Wedding).

b) Muslem or Islamic Wedding.

c) Registry Office Wedding (Again, so called Court Wedding).

d) The Baba of them all, TRADITIONAL Wedding (As most people end up with
    this kind).


Nigerian law protects everyone on any of these weddings however, the problem has always been with enforcing the law when difficulty arises.

feelgood:

thablessed, apparently my initial post seems ambiguos. My relation is an only child and is the husband.

To others, great posts, keep em coming. Even b4, the guy married, the mom had not been in a very fit state (she could not attend the wedding). Also, the wife and him courted for 6 years b4 coming together and she knew his mother pretty well. The wife has realised she made a mistake and has apologised to the guy, my brother, but he would not hear of it. He is just mad that she was not there for him when his mum needed help most.

He has informed me that he has paid the new girl's dowry -  but I dont believe him since none of us (his relations) went with him; moreso I dont believe any right thinking family would want to give away their daughter when there is a present bereavement.

I shall see my brother at the burial - meanwhile folks pls keep the comments coming, they are helping me to view other perspectives

Ok, thanks for making things clearer yet, I'm still no supporter of 'only child' movement.  I am one of eleven children and I have one child myself.  I know what I'm talking about - they are very selfish individuals.  It's upto whoever ends up with them to deal with but I can't wait to be proven wrong.

As for him saying he's put down dowry, on the other one, that's lies he'd done nothing however, he is considering the idea - no doubts.

@ topic

I don't think I'd forgive her too.

@ The Blessed ;
             
                       The Bible never said that Jesus was not comfortable with him and did not welcome him into the fold again. This couldn't have happened since Judas killed himself after Jesus's death. In other words, Jesus and Judas never set eyes on each other again in the physical realm. Besides, if Jesus was uncomfortable  with Judas, and never welcomed him back into the fold, that would be a great contradiction of the story of the Prodigal Son, wouldn't it?

@ Poster ; you mentioned that they had known each other for 6 years before coming together. That means that whatever disagreement they had must have been severe. If you are able to court each other for 6 years, then you should at least know how to come to a compromise when it comes to arguments. Something out of the ordinary must have been said or done to make the wife pack out.  Any info on what that was?

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