Please note; I’m not here to bash men. I’m only writing this out of concern. So drop your defensive shields. Be warned that this post is very long so if you don’t like such lengthy write-ups, this post is not for you.


I know a lot of us grew up with the mentality that a man is the head of the home and should always be in charge. I think this mentality has been abused by both men and women not intentionally but because a lot of us don’t know any better. In my own point of view, being the head means making final decisions on behalf of the family. In this sense, the man is like a managing director of a board of other directors who have voting powers, only that he has some veto powers. In the case of this veto powers, I believe a man should make decisions using the theory of pareto efficiency where no member of the family is worse off because of his decision. Now a man with an ego will use his veto powers without considering any other member of the family. It is always about himself and his decisions are usually for selfish reasons. When he is asked why he made some decisions that are not so rational or logical, he can’t give a tangible reason for it. That is when you realize that he just made that decision to prove that he has the final say and can do has he wants.
Now that we are familiar with the basis of my argument, let me share three scenarios to you that will make you understand why I believe a man’s ego is deadly. My scenarios are based on true-life experiences but have been twitched a little for confidentiality purposes.

Scenario 1:
Mrs Ajibola is married to a man that by nature keeps to himself so it is difficult for non-immediate nuclear family members to approach him directly. One day, she receives a call from her sister-in-law (husband’s younger sister) who says to her; “Omo yin a wa se weekend lo do yin o”. Her sister-in-law explains to her that she lost her old phone and just got a new sim. Every member of the family knows that Mr Ajibola does not pick calls from numbers he does not recognize. Hence, the younger sister’s attempts to reach him herself failed. Mrs Ajibola tells her sister-in-law that there is no problem. She later on tells the husband what transpired between her and his sister. He flares up and replies angrily, “why are you now telling me? You people have made the decision without my consent already, so what do you want me say?” Mrs Ajibola is stunned and wonders what she should have told his sister who is her in-law o (we all know how in-law things are in Nigeria na). If she had told her, “wait let me ask my husband”, that one could have interpreted it has; ‘ So you don’t want my daughter to spend weekend in her uncles’s house abi? So you want to ask him so that you can compel him to say no shey? Is it not just a 2-day visit, whose body is it pinching?’ From her husband’s reaction, Mrs Ajibola knows he doesn’t want his niece around not because of anything else, but because he was the last person to know. Knowing the kind of man she married, she knows the niece wouldn’t enjoy are stay with them as he would pick on her all the time and might even punish her unnecessarily. Mrs Ajibola is now in a dilemma. How does she tell her sister-in-law that her daughter cannot come again? She doesn’t want to cause friction between her husband and his sister and she doesn’t want to lie to cover up for him because she is a born again Christian. Mr Ajibola has refused to get involved to cancel the visit directly with his sister. He claims the initial decision was made without him, so his wife should deal with the consequences. I believe a man without an ego would have simply said okay and asked for his sister’s number. So what do you guys think Mrs Ajibola should do?

Scenario 2:
Tinuke schools in a state away from home and due to an unexpected riot, students were told to move out of the hostels for two weeks on a very short notice. Due to the short notice and short holiday, Tinuke’s parents felt it was not worth it for her to travel all the way home. They instead made arrangements for her to stay with her cousin’s family in town. Tinuke moved to her cousin’s place and quickly realized that her cousin’s husband was held in highest regard by everyone in thee house, including other extended family members present. (Note that Tinuke’s cousin’s parents are financially okay and capable.) When he passes by, you stand aside. When he calls, you answer with an almost sprint. Tinuke soon learned to behave herself anytime her cousin’s husband is home. Tinuke enjoyed just eating, drinking and sleeping for about a week since there were two maids in the house. Then one night as she was having dinner, her cousin’s husband asked her, “so you are still in this house?” Tinuke was confused but she really didn’t think too much of it. The next day, the same question was asked. At this point her cousin’s husband asked her to go call her sisiter. Tinuke goes to call her cousin still dazed and then the man went on a rant about if that is how she behaves in her father’s house (Note that Tinuke’s dad is a senior brother to her cousin’s dad and in fact the first son of the family, so that statement was an insult to the entire family members present). Tinuke was still confused but apologized. She was so sad to see her cousin go down on her knees to apologise on her behalf. She was later made to understand that it was because she didn’t greet the man in the mornings. Now this sounds sketchy so let me further break it down. Tinuke’s cousin’s husband is a banker who lives home by 7:00am latest every day. Tinuke is a student who is on break and usually is still not awake even after 8:00am. Can you blame her? Who is ever awake at that time during the holidays? When hubby comes back from work in the evening, he goes straight into his bedroom even before Tinuke can step out of her room and doesn’t come out again until it is time for dinner. It is at this point that she meets him every day, and it was never her intention to deliberately disrespect him in his home. She and her cousins devised a method in which she would be woken to greet him when he settles to have his breakfast. Hence, Tinuke started sleep-walking to greet him every morning and goes back to sleep. However, that was the last time Tinuke stayed over at her cousin’s place not because she hated the man but because she didn’t want to make a mistake that would cause her cousin any embarrassment and make everyone else uncomfortable again. Now a man without an ego would have just said, “Tinuke, how come I don’t see you in the mornings?” and she would still have gotten the gist. Where do you guys think Tinuke went wrong?

Scenario 3:
This gets me really riled up as it is so close to my heart.
Dolapo is married to Jide and they both struggle financially. After two beautiful kids, Dolapo takes in again. When it was time for birth, something went wrong. Dolapo was in serious labour for hours. She needed a caesarian session and needed to be transferred to a better hospital. Jide could not afford any of these and decided to go to an ori-oke to pray. Dolapo eventually gave up the ghost after 11 hours. It was then that Jide finally called Aunty Abeke. Aunty Abeke is Dolapo’s dad’s younger sister who once lived with them and took care of Dolapo as a baby and a little girl. Aunty Abeke is now married and well to do. Dolapo made some mistakes in life like eloping with her husband as a teenager but Aunty Abeke forgave her and took her back. Since they lived in different states, Aunty Abeke did not know the gravity of the financial crisis Dolapo’s family was in. If Jide had called Aunty Abeke immediately it was discovered that Dolapo needed a caesarian section, Aunty Abeke would never have thought twice before dropping the needed amount and even more. I mean, is it not the same Dolapo she changed napkins for, fed, and clothed as child? Curious about why Jide broke the news to Aunty Abeke first and not Dolapo’s mum? It means he could have gotten in touch with Aunty Abeke anytime he wanted but he chose not to. The saddest part is that Aunty Abeke’s husband just happened to be in the same town Dolapo’s family lived in that very day. Dolapo’s life was just a phone call away. Why didn’t Jide just call? Was he too ashamed? What is shame when a loved one’s life is on the line? Well Jide never paid a bride price on Dolapo so I guess he didn’t value her life so much. What do you guys think Jide should have done? What do you guys think stopped him from calling Aunty Abeke? Was it his ego or something else?

See why I said a man’s ego can be deadly? Two similar cases of the last scenario have happened to family members of people close to me. I am all for confident men but please know where to draw the line. If your wife and kids fear you, you need to check yourself. You should be respected in your home and not feared. Will your kids be able to turn to you for comfort in the event that they lose their mother untimely? This is a food for thought.

Job vacancy..


Reader.

Objectives.

Should read inbetween lines of this thread and summarise it for me.

Remuneration is very attractive.

Estharfabian:
No! NO! No!


I can't read this...I just can't...

but u can read fifty shades of grey.. the three series right?

Summary pls

Estharfabian:
If I don't....Who will

I think I read it all. I really think I did, yes.

Pls call me n read the post...

Estharfabian:
Jealousy...

u wish. Ur becomin dry these days... waht's really happening?

You ought to have known most of these peeps here murder long articles in cold blood.

Estharfabian:
I Was "Wet" before??


Iffa throw You knock!

with dat ur tiny fingers? Will just break dem for u.. dis tym around obiora will not come and defend ur ass

I read every word (no jokes).


i've always known what this op is saying (thumbs up op).


as a man i've come to know that our inherent pride as men can be deadly.

personally i've seen a man who while argueing with his grown up kids said to them that he doesn't care if his family crashes one thousand times that he won't accept to adjust his position on a particular matter.

i swear i've seen men who would rather watch their family crumble than see their ego scratched a bit. smh.

honestly men need to be warry. (my 2cents)

Eh


Oga fun op afi bi height mi

Cutehector:
with dat ur tiny fingers? Will just break dem for u.. dis tym around obiora will not come and defend ur ass

You guys are derailling this thread jare. :'

why not take estherfabian to somewhere quiet and lonely? i'm sure she'll love it.

Scenario 1- Mrs Ajibola was wrong from he onset. She knows the kind of man she married, and the sister should know the kind of brother she has, so Mrs ajibola telling the sister in law she needs to consult the husband first shouldn't be an issue for the sister to understand. Hence Mrs Ajibola is at fault for not consulting her husband. She can't stop the girl from coming, but she has to apologise to the husband., and not take any decision without the consent of the man. Simple.

Scenario 2- when you are in somebody's house, you shouldn't feel at home! Let's ignore the whole "feel at home" welcoming you get from your host. Since the cousin's husband takes greating too personal, Tinuke' cousin should have given her the breakdown of the house rules. Well, about her over sleeping, I won't want to talk about that, cause yu didn't state he kind of relationship btwn Tinuke and her cousin(if they were very close or not) for her to be comfortable not helping with any house chores, I just feel it's courtesy to at least offer to help do something in the morning, even tho they have 100 maids.
And I would have left the house from the 1st "so you are still in this house"

Scenario 3- It wasn't ego, it was just plain f0olishness

emeraldknytt:
OP, i will like to contribute on the three stories categorically;
Story 1: Mr Ajibola, judging from your context, is a candid man who knows when to stand his ground and not how. I mean, there are better ways to reprimand one's spouse. I do not, in anyway, acquiesce to what he did or said but hey! a man knows what's best for him and his family. what more can i say : ITS HIS HOME.

Story 2: a man that goes out that early and comes back not-too-early sure has a heavy heart. Not only men, but women need to be embracing. Tinuke needed to be a cheerful person at that point in time eventhough she doesnt have it in her- she could fake it. I wish i could go on, a conversation that leads to a genuine smile or hearty laughter, wouldnt hurt anyone. My take.

Story 3: my dear OP, "k'olorun maje ka ri ko se dada". Think of it this way: some candidates, not all, are left void upstairs when twisty questions are encountered. Eventhough, solving it seem sure at sight, they still fumble

That exactly is my point. The only reason he had was the fact that he feels it is his home and can do as he pleases. He doesn't have any tangible reason than that. And like it is with Nigerian mentality, you found a way to make it about the wife saying she should know the type of husband she has. How about tell the man to correct the character flaw in him. And may I add that it is not just HIS HOME. The home belongs to both him and his wife.
Scenario 2 had nothing to do with Tinuke being cheerful or not. The point of conflict is that she never greets him in the mornings which was never intentional. The point there is not about the man correcting her or not, it is about the method in which he did, that is, yell at his wife in front of the whole house.
Thanks for your contribution though

amokeme:
Scenario 1- Mrs Ajibola was wrong from he onset. She knows the kind of man she married, and the sister should know the kind of brother she has, so Mrs ajibola telling the sister in law she needs to consult the husband first shouldn't be an issue for the sister to understand. Hence Mrs Ajibola is at fault for not consulting her husband. She can't stop the girl from coming, but she has to apologise to the husband., and not take any decision without the consent of the man. Simple.

Scenario 2- when you are in somebody's house, you shouldn't feel at home! Let's ignore the whole "feel at home" welcoming you get from your host. Since the cousin's husband takes greating too personal, Tinuke' cousin should have given her the breakdown of the house rules. Well, about her over sleeping, I won't want to talk about that, cause yu didn't state he kind of relationship btwn Tinuke and her cousin(if they were very close or not) for her to be comfortable not helping with any house chores, I just feel it's courtesy to at least offer to help do something in the morning, even tho they have 100 maids.
And I would have left the house from the 1st "so you are still in this house"

Scenario 3- It wasn't ego, it was just plain f0olishness

So you see nothing wrong with what the man did? It is his wife's fault as always. Whatever character flaw he has, she must deal with it. He doesn't have to try to improve on himself for the good of everyone. I see.
Tinuke actually offered, but there was never anything for her to do and she was always told to go sit down. Thanks for the contribution though.