A while ago, A friend of mine told me about how sex has changed for her since her sexual assault, and more recently how she can finally see that she will eventually find her way back to normal.

But Monday night, she had another emotional breakdown, completely out of nowhere. Here are the details;

I was lying in bed, but I couldn’t sleep.

I kept thinking about happy and confident I was when I first met G. I’ve found myself reminiscing about those times a lot lately, because I just don’t feel that same sense of happiness and joy as I did back then. Not that I’m not happy — just not the way I used to be.

I asked G if he missed kissing the way we used to, and he said that he thinks we kiss plenty now. We kiss during sex and we have those small moments where we kiss each other randomly. So, no, he doesn’t miss it, he said.

He was right, but I couldn’t help feeling like we never kiss. I mean, I am so scared of it.

We don’t kiss because I don’t want to.

The more I thought about it, the more upset I got.

I asked G if he remembered how we used to kiss – just kiss, no sex. That phase when everything is insanely happy and exciting, and you’re both too nervous to do anything about it yet.

And he reminded me of this little-known fact about us: we kind of skipped the getting-to-know-each-other, holding-hands-only, making-out-a-lot phase.

We pretty much went straight to sex.

That’s pretty normal, right? But lying in bed that night, I kept remembering all this kissing as if we hadn’t skipped that phase.
And then I realized I wasn’t remembering us.
I had completely made it up in my head. I was remembering kissing in general, I guess with people I’d been with before, even though I wasn’t really thinking of them specifically.
But why?
Because even G and I do kiss, I don’t kiss anymore. I’m not there. I don’t kiss with passion. I barely part my lips, honestly.

Right now, kissing is terrifying for me.

It’s scarier than sex. I could have sex and not even kiss that much. Just avoid the scary stuff, right?

Thinking about this, I got even more upset. I just want to be normal, I kept telling myself. I thought I was finally doing so much better!

And so the breakdown began....
http://www.goreadus.com/travels/taking-my-power-back-after-sexual-assault/

haha, what is this?

layla129:

What's confusing?