cococandy:

You can ask questions for Africa sha

Six days later.....

Why did you say so?

How are you and omomo?

edwife:


There is a huge difference.This is my understanding of a good person.

[b]"Are you a good person?," who do you think is more likely to say, "I'm good"? The good one or the evil one?
The evil one! He could kick his own mother in the stomach and still think he's good. You say, "That's terrible! How could you do such a thing?" He rationalizes and says, "You don't understand. She asked me to take out the garbage. If I do it, who knows what else she'll ask for next? This could go on forever!"
As for the good person, he takes out the garbage. But if you would then tell him, "I see you're a good person," he says, "No, I'm really not so good. Didn't you notice that while I was taking out the garbage I kicked my mother in the stomach?"
"What are you talking about? I was watching and you didn't kick your mother in the stomach!"
"Well, I didn't actually kick her. But I was grumbling as I carried out the garbage. I wanted my mother to feel bad. I was in the middle of a good book, and if I don't register my protest, who knows – she might ask me to do it again tomorrow!"
Do you see the difference? The evil person will always say he's right. He doesn't bother trying to be good, so he never feels a struggle. He just assumes he's good.
Whereas the person who really tries to be "good" knows how tough the job is. And he's always striving for a higher level.
There's a third type: The fully righteous person, the Tzaddik. He takes out the garbage and says, "It's my pleasure, Mom. You work so hard to take care of us. So thank you for the opportunity to express my appreciation!"[/b]

Ok

edwife:
I am not good to people because i want something from them,it is a ridiculous thing to say.

Everyone is 'good' because we want something (their reciprocal goodness, tangles and intangles, right standing with God etc.). Even the Bible says 'if we want friends, we should show ourselves friendly'.. paraphrased. That is why a so-called 'good' person will retaliate or react when pushed to the wall... their goodness was not reciprocated and they are tired of doing good.

edwife:
My parents,siblings are good to me for the person I am and represent in their lives and not for what they can get from me.

Same difference... you represent family and they are good so that the family can be lovely dovey. Are you saying they will not treat you 'good' if you weren't family?

edwife:
So if your kid is disrespectful will it stop you from being a good mother or a good person to him? I might cut down his allowances,be strict about many things but i won't STOP being a good person.

This is referring to discipline

edwife:
It is either you are good,bad or evil.
cc byvan03

There are dominant sides but everyone has a measure of the three in them. Infact, Jesus once said only God is good.

bukatyne:


Six days later.....

Why did you say so?

How are you and omomo?

We are fine thanks

But it's true na. You like to get to the root of the matter

I totally agree with byvan03.

How you certain people act towards you strongly determines how you react.

Take transfer of aggression for instance, someone might just come across an angry person and become angry too. That angry person will still go ahead and make other people uncomfortable if not angry.

Emotions are like communicable diseases. They can be caught!

Richiy:
I totally agree with byvan03.

How you certain people act towards you strongly determines how you react.

Take transfer of aggression for instance, someone might just come across an angry person and become angry too. That angry person will still go ahead and make other people uncomfortable if not angry.

Emotions are like communicable diseases. They can be caught!

Thanks dear

byvan03:



Thanks dear

byvan03:




Damiso I don't know if I responded to this before but I read it once again. This story is so like everyday human heart. Do you think humans can really defeat that " I told you so " part of us? E go hard mehn...

Its really hard o I aint gonna even lie

I read this article on differences between a 'kind' and 'nice' person and I thought about this thread.

See below:


A lot of people are attached to the idea of being “nice.” It’s not so easy for these individuals to let go of their need to be nice, or to appreciate how different it is from being kind.

This distinction is important, however, because these two ways of being lead to very different outcomes in one’s personal and professional life.

It will be easier to understand the difference between “nice” and “kind” if we focus on the opposing motivations behind each way of being.

The nice person is externally motivated. He’s driven by the need for other people’s approval and validation; he craves acceptance and is fearful of rejection.

The kind person is internally motivated. She has good self-esteem and isn’t looking for approval. She’s less concerned about what others might think of her and more interested in doing the right thing. Her compassion comes from an overflowing of her positive self-regard and not from the need to please.

The kind person respects herself as much as she respects others. She’s naturally helpful and generous, except when doing so might cause her harm. She lives in a state of balance, being as kind to herself as she is to others. She makes a positive contribution to her family, company and community, but never at her own expense.

The nice person is out of balance in his quest for external validation. Thinking that this is how he’ll find what he wants, he puts the needs of others ahead of his own needs. He keeps trying to please until he becomes exhausted and aggravated.

The nice person avoids confrontation for fear of upsetting anyone. He has trouble saying “No,” and rarely asks directly for what he wants. Fearing rejection, he can’t express any angry feelings that arise.

The kind person, on the other hand, isn’t afraid of confrontation. She’s able to speak her mind clearly, directly and respectfully, so people know where she stands but aren’t likely to take offense.

If someone gets angry at her because she’s asserted herself or rejects her because she’s setting a limit, she doesn’t take it personally.

The nice person can’t be authentic, because he’s too preoccupied with being a pleaser. The longer he continues to be “nice,” however, the more alienated he becomes from himself and others. He can lose touch with his true needs, feelings and opinions, and his relationships lack intimacy or fulfillment.

Even if he does win some degree of approval, the nice person knows, deep down, that the other person doesn’t see or accept him for who he really is. He can never make a real connection.

The kind person is genuine and sincere. She doesn’t need to pretend to be anyone else. If someone dislikes her or disapproves of her, she doesn’t feel diminished in any way.

The kind person welcomes constructive criticism. Her good self-regard motivates her to constantly be learning and evolving. Her ability to accept feedback means that her performance at work is always improving, and that she’s able to grow as a friend and a spouse.

The nice person is uncomfortable with feedback. His low self-esteem makes external criticism feel particularly hurtful. He has a harder time taking in valuable information about how he might improve his performance at work or how he could be a better spouse or friend.

The kind person sets good limits with others, and because she doesn’t allow herself to be mistreated, she’s cheerful, easy-going and approachable. She trusts herself to take care of herself in her personal and professional relationships, so she feels at ease with other people and her heart is open.

The nice person can’t set good limits. In his attempt to gain approval and avoid rejection, he allows people to exploit and mistreat him. This makes him angry, bitter, and cynical toward others.

The nice person’s attempts to please often result in his feeling hurt. His mistrust toward others grows, as does his shame for putting up with disrespect. His heart becomes closed, so while his behaviour is outwardly “nice,” he actually feels disappointed and resentful.

The truth is that people admire the kind person and look down on the nice person. We look up to those who have confidence and good self-esteem and tend to dismiss as “weak,” or “needy,” those who appear to be trying too hard to please.

When things don’t go the way he’d hoped, the nice person doesn’t know what to do with his growing anger. He might stuff down his resentment with alcohol, drugs or food, or it could leak out as passive-aggressive behaviour. Sometimes he’ll have an angry outburst, which embarrasses him so much that he represses his anger even more.

So, while the kind person can be relaxed and loving, authentic and meaningfully connected to others, the nice person is often anxious, angry, alienated and isolated; possibly even suffering from an addiction.

The solution for the nice person is simple: he must stop looking outside himself for love and approval.

Once he takes responsibility for his own self-worth, he’ll start working on developing his own positive self-regard. When he begins to love and accept himself, he’ll be able to let go of needing to please, and he’ll notice that interestingly, others are responding to him better.

A positive spiral is created, whereby he’s in charge of his self-worth, he’s treated with more respect, his anger diminishes, his feelings of trust and connection with others increase and his self-esteem improves even more.

Eventually, without even thinking about it, he’ll shift from being nice to being kind.



https://www./why-you-need-stop-being-nice-start-kind-marcia-sirota

damiso:


Its really hard o I aint gonna even lie

I read this article on differences between a 'kind' and 'nice' person and I thought about this thread.

See below:


A lot of people are attached to the idea of being “nice.” It’s not so easy for these individuals to let go of their need to be nice, or to appreciate how different it is from being kind.

This distinction is important, however, because these two ways of being lead to very different outcomes in one’s personal and professional life.

It will be easier to understand the difference between “nice” and “kind” if we focus on the opposing motivations behind each way of being.

The nice person is externally motivated. He’s driven by the need for other people’s approval and validation; he craves acceptance and is fearful of rejection.

The kind person is internally motivated. She has good self-esteem and isn’t looking for approval. She’s less concerned about what others might think of her and more interested in doing the right thing. Her compassion comes from an overflowing of her positive self-regard and not from the need to please.

The kind person respects herself as much as she respects others. She’s naturally helpful and generous, except when doing so might cause her harm. She lives in a state of balance, being as kind to herself as she is to others. She makes a positive contribution to her family, company and community, but never at her own expense.

The nice person is out of balance in his quest for external validation. Thinking that this is how he’ll find what he wants, he puts the needs of others ahead of his own needs. He keeps trying to please until he becomes exhausted and aggravated.

The nice person avoids confrontation for fear of upsetting anyone. He has trouble saying “No,” and rarely asks directly for what he wants. Fearing rejection, he can’t express any angry feelings that arise.

The kind person, on the other hand, isn’t afraid of confrontation. She’s able to speak her mind clearly, directly and respectfully, so people know where she stands but aren’t likely to take offense.

If someone gets angry at her because she’s asserted herself or rejects her because she’s setting a limit, she doesn’t take it personally.

The nice person can’t be authentic, because he’s too preoccupied with being a pleaser. The longer he continues to be “nice,” however, the more alienated he becomes from himself and others. He can lose touch with his true needs, feelings and opinions, and his relationships lack intimacy or fulfillment.

Even if he does win some degree of approval, the nice person knows, deep down, that the other person doesn’t see or accept him for who he really is. He can never make a real connection.

The kind person is genuine and sincere. She doesn’t need to pretend to be anyone else. If someone dislikes her or disapproves of her, she doesn’t feel diminished in any way.

The kind person welcomes constructive criticism. Her good self-regard motivates her to constantly be learning and evolving. Her ability to accept feedback means that her performance at work is always improving, and that she’s able to grow as a friend and a spouse.

The nice person is uncomfortable with feedback. His low self-esteem makes external criticism feel particularly hurtful. He has a harder time taking in valuable information about how he might improve his performance at work or how he could be a better spouse or friend.

The kind person sets good limits with others, and because she doesn’t allow herself to be mistreated, she’s cheerful, easy-going and approachable. She trusts herself to take care of herself in her personal and professional relationships, so she feels at ease with other people and her heart is open.

The nice person can’t set good limits. In his attempt to gain approval and avoid rejection, he allows people to exploit and mistreat him. This makes him angry, bitter, and cynical toward others.

The nice person’s attempts to please often result in his feeling hurt. His mistrust toward others grows, as does his shame for putting up with disrespect. His heart becomes closed, so while his behaviour is outwardly “nice,” he actually feels disappointed and resentful.

The truth is that people admire the kind person and look down on the nice person. We look up to those who have confidence and good self-esteem and tend to dismiss as “weak,” or “needy,” those who appear to be trying too hard to please.

When things don’t go the way he’d hoped, the nice person doesn’t know what to do with his growing anger. He might stuff down his resentment with alcohol, drugs or food, or it could leak out as passive-aggressive behaviour. Sometimes he’ll have an angry outburst, which embarrasses him so much that he represses his anger even more.

So, while the kind person can be relaxed and loving, authentic and meaningfully connected to others, the nice person is often anxious, angry, alienated and isolated; possibly even suffering from an addiction.

The solution for the nice person is simple: he must stop looking outside himself for love and approval.

Once he takes responsibility for his own self-worth, he’ll start working on developing his own positive self-regard. When he begins to love and accept himself, he’ll be able to let go of needing to please, and he’ll notice that interestingly, others are responding to him better.

A positive spiral is created, whereby he’s in charge of his self-worth, he’s treated with more respect, his anger diminishes, his feelings of trust and connection with others increase and his self-esteem improves even more.

Eventually, without even thinking about it, he’ll shift from being nice to being kind.



https://www./why-you-need-stop-being-nice-start-kind-marcia-sirota

Very explicit, being nice must be a terrible place to be. All those bottle up emotions, it's torture. .I like this write up and thanks for sharing.

@Damiso:

Kind is the way to go...

Create your world and live according to your rules.

A very nice article.

byvan03:




Very explicit, being nice must be a terrible place to be. All those bottle up emotions, it's torture. .I like this write up and thanks for sharing.

You are welcome. I also thought the distinction was interesting and kind of threw a different angle to the discussion.

@Bukatyne yes it was a very well written article.

Mystiqme:


Hi, I sent you a PM. I will like to ask you some questions. Kindly respond. Thanks.

Awwww, My mail may have problems with your PM. I am always with you. Just ask your qstn or create a separate thread and send a signal...