JOKE
No $

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would
like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *



Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an
hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble
task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

A Priest and a Nun,
A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.
Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later,

Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay,I'll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later,

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later,

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think theLord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right, get up and get your own damn blanket.

The Reverend John Fuzz,
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave backhand forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."

The bartender nodded. "Well if you're that far you may as well finish."

Arthritis
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading---a couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"?

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women,too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man".

"Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong---how long have you had arthritis"?

"I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it".

The Seven Dwarfs Meet The Pope
The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns.
"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"

"No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."

"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"

"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"

"No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"

"I'm sure."

"Okay."

Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.

"What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs.

Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."

And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy bleeped a penguin! Grumpy bleeped a penguin! Grumpy bleeped a penguin!",

St Peter Gets Bored

St Peter Gets Bored
St Peter gets fed up with standing at the pearly gates and giving or denying access to Heaven. Jesus offers to take over. A man comes up to him.
"I'm looking for my son." he says

"And who are you" says Jesus

"I suppose I'm the closest this he has to a Father." says the man

"What do you do?" asks Jesus curiously

"I suppose you could say I'm a carpenter" says the man

"And does your son have holes in his hands and feet?" asks Jesus excitedly.

"He does!" shouts the man

"DADDY!" shouts Jesus

"PINNOCHIO!" shouts Guisseppe

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg. The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit. A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!". The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass".

A little boy and his mother were waiting in line at the supermarket and in front of them was a huge, fat woman. Suddenly the fat lady's pager went off. "Mom, look out! she's backing up!"

I'm Going To Be A Builder When I Grow Up
Did you hear about little Jimmy? He is four years old.

He was bugging Mother so she said, "Jimmy, why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work. Maybe you'll learn something."

Jimmy was gone about 2 hours. When he came home his Mother asked him what he learned.

Jimmy replied, "Well, first you put the God damn door up, then the son of a bitch doesn't fit, so you have to take the cock sucker back down. Then you have to take a cunt hair off each side and put theMother fucker back up."

Jimmy's Mother said, "you wait till your Dad comes home." WhenJimmy's dad got home, mom told him to ask Jimmy what he learned across the street. Jimmy told his dad the whole story. Dad said, "Jimmy, you go outside and get the switch."

Jimmy replied, "Bleep you, that's the Electrician's job."

Little Tommy's Dead Frog
One day, little Tommy wanders into the local brothel, dragging a dead frog on a piece of string along behind him (FX: thud thud thud etc.) He goes up to the woman at the front and says "Please, Miss, I'd like a girl please." "Go home, sonny" replies the proprietor, not unkindly, "you're too young yet for this."

Tommy reaches into his pocket and drags out a £50 note which he slaps on the desk and beams brightly. "Up the stairs, third door on the right" comes the reply as the £50 vanishes.

Tommy starts to climb the stairs, (Thud thud etc.) when he runs back again. "I forgot, this girl has got to have active herpes!" he cries."No way kid, all our girls are clean!" Tommy reaches into the other pocket and another £50 appears. "Ah, last door on the left, " he is told.

Tommy climbs the stairs, still dragging the dead frog on the string(thud thud thud), and some time later reappears. He waves to the woman at the front desk and is about to go out (avec frog) when she calls him back.

"I can understand curiosity at your age," she says, "but why the active herpes?"

"Well," says Tommy, "when I go home, the baby sitter will be there. I'll screw her before she goes home and she'll get the herpes. Later on, dad'll take her home and have her in the back of the Mercedes, and he'll get the herpes. Later on, he'll get back and jump on mummy and she will get the herpes too. In the morning, daddy'll go to work, the milkman will come and get in bed with mummy and he'll get the herpes andHE'S THE BASTARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!"

Old Enough To Start Cussing
Two brothers were getting dressed for school. The older one says,"I think I'm old enough to start cussing."

Younger one, "Me too. Whatcha gonna say?"

Older boy,"Dad says 'damn' a lot, so that's what I'll say."

Younger boy, "I'm gonna say 'betchyer ass',Dad says that all the time.

They go down for breakfast, sit at the table. Mom comes in, says to the older one,"What would you like for breakfast dear?"

He replies, "Gimme a damn bowl of Fruit Loops."

Mom knocks older son off his chair, turns to younger one,"And what would YOU like for breakfast?"

Younger son, "Betcher ass I don't want Fruit Loops!"

Subject of Spelling
In a train carriage one day were two small boys and a middle aged woman reading a book. The two small boys were having a deep heated discussion on the subject of spelling.

"Its spelt ' W-W-W-W-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-B-B-B-B '"

"No its not. It's spelt ' W-W-W-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-B-B-B'"

The lady leans over and says "Excuse me, but I think you'll find its spelt'W-O-M-B'"

First little boy replies " Nah, I bet you've never even seen a hippopotamus, never mind heard one fart underwater !"

Trick or Treat
There were these two children of color trying to decide what to get dressed as to go trick-or-treating for Halloween. Finally the oldest one,Robert, turned to his sister Francine and said, "I know, we'll go as Hansel and Gretel."
Well, they dressed up as Hansel and Gretel on Halloween night and off they went to ring doorbells all over the neighborhood. They came to a house on the end of their block and Robert rang the doorbell.

"Trick or Treat," Robert and Francine yelled in unison.

The old man at the door peered down at them and said. "And who are you?"

"Why, we're Hansel and Gretel," Robert said.

The man shook his head."You can't be Hansel and Gretel. Hansel and Gretel were white." And then he slammed the door on their faces.

Well Robert and Francine went back to their house and Robert thought furiously. "I know," he said. "You can go as Little Bo Peep and I'll go asLittle Boy Blue."

So they changed quickly into their new costumes and headed back out the door. A few minutes later, they found themselves at the same house as earlier.

"Trick or Treat," Robert and Francine yelled again as the door opened.

Once again the man stared down at them and said, "Who might you be." "Why we're Little Bo Peep and Little Boy Blue," Robert said. The man shook his head and said. "You can't be Little Bo Peep and LittleBoy Blue. They were white." And he slammed the door on their faces.

Robert and Francine walked back to the house, their candy bags empty. But Robert got an idea and quickly slipped out of his costume. Then he helpedFrancine out of hers.

When the knock came at the door, the old man grabbed his basket of candy and opened the door. Much to his surprise, there were two naked black children standing on his porch.

"Well, what do we have here," he asked.

"Two M&Ms," Robert said. "One with nuts and one without."

Clairvoyant Little Boy
There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future.One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish,"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa."The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.
A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street -- she never felt a thing.

A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God blessMommy, goodbye Daddy."

His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words,"Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early, but very carefully.

He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing -- the milkman dropped dead on the back porch."

A Felching Session

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil." Vito Bustone told bemused doctors in the severe burns unit of Salt Lake City hospital.

Bustone, and his homosexual partner Kikki Rodriguez, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed the cardboard tube up his rectum and slippedFaggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kikki shouted"Armageddon," my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve gay but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what had happened next. "The flame ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot up the tube igniting Mr. Bustone's moustache and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which, in turn, ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."

Bustone suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Rodriguez suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract. Sheriff Hugo Root later told reporters: "It's gay I feel sorry for. Being stuffed up some queers tradesman's entrance."
What Not To Name Your Dog

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mineSex.

Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said,"But this is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.
The Invention of Sex,

Sex was invented by Thomas Alva Edison on July 16, 1876.

At the time, Edison had been working to develop "entertainment devices" for the masses-and during the previous months he had invented the whoopee-cushion, the hand-buzzer, Play-Doh, fake-nose eyeglasses,the first cordless vibrator (a massive steam-powered unit that covered six and a half square city blocks and required 235 men to operate), and the one device he considered to be his greatest gift to mankind at the time: the ball-point pen that turned over to reveal a naked woman.

Upon being introduced to sex, the country was thrown into a turmoil - and in order to maintain order, the government seized all ofTom's patents and drawings, and locked them away in the federal archives until the year 2186. (The only exception to this were his plans for the steam-powered vibrator, which were released in 1964 and used as the basic design for the nuclear submarine USS Trident.)

Devastated at the havoc he'd created, Edison redoubled his efforts to provide entertainment for the masses and quickly invented movies, the mimeograph, and the phonograph.

In fact, his greatest invention of all, the light bulb, was created as a means of deterring sex. Because as Tom himself put it, "Who inGod's name would ever want to do it with the lights on?"
Zorba The,

Upon arriving in Greece, a couple decided not to see the country the traditional touristy way but to hire a guide from one of the small villages. After finding a guide, the guide took them on a boat ride showing them the sights of Greece. After a while, they past a grove of fig trees.

After the tourists commented on the beauty of the trees, the guide says, "See all those trees? I planted every one of those trees. I nurtured every one of those trees. But do they call me Zorba the tree-planter? No."

The couple looked a little confused at his outrage but kept quiet. After about 15 minutes, they past a nice village on the bank of the river. The tourists comment on the beauty of the village.

Again, the guide goes off. "See all those houses? I built every one of those houses. With these two hands alone, I built those houses. But do they call me Zorba the house-builder? NO."

The couple again looked confused and worried about the guide's outrage. They didn't want to annoy him again. After about 30 minutes,they pass a small fleet of fishing boats. The husband comments on the boats.

"You see all those boats? I built those boats. With these two hands, I built every boat and not a one has sunk. But do they call meZorba the boat-builder? NO!!"

The tourists stay quiet until they see something which the guide could not have built. "Look at those lovely donkeys", says the wife.

The guide looks at them and says, "Oh, but you Bleep one donkey, "
An American In Jamaica,

A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis, her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning inJamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis.

The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?"

The Jamaican replied, "No, Mon that says Welcome To Jamaica Have aNice Day".
Jack or Barb

Dave was the vice-president of ACME inc. One day the president,Mr. Smith called him into his office.He told Dave that they had to make some cutbacks and either Jack or Barb would have to be laid off.

Dave looked at mr Smith and said " Barb is my best worker, butJack has a wife and three kids. I don't know who to fire."

"I'll tell you what to do. Fire the first one of them who comes in to work tomorrow" Mr. Smith replied.

The next morning Dave waited for either Jack or Barb to show up.Barb was the first to arrive. Dave said to her "Barb I've got a problem."

"Really? What's wrong?" Barb replied.

"Well you see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

Barb replied, "Jack off! I've got a headache."
Milk of a Nursing Mother

There was a gentleman living in a small village who unfortunately had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother. Well there weren't too many women in the village nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But low and behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl who recently had given birth who was willing to help him out -- for a price. The man was desperate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a new born baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate.

The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suck on the woman's breast. Well weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade.

One day, the woman realized that the man's sucking was beginning to arouse her sexually. It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice,she said, "Is there anything else you'd like?"

The man paused in his sucking for a moment and looked up at her. "Yeah,"he said finally. "Can I have a cookie with my milk?"
Tattoo Art,

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour.

'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist.

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get upon the table.'

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.

'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.

'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.' With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.

'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says.'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!'
Czech Dissident
Through the center of Czechoslovakia there's a train speeding along. In one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Russian soldier, and aCzech dissident.

Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding the side of his face, and the Czech dissident is grinning his face off.

The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, theRussian soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slap shim one!"

The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Russian soldier,he'd rather kiss that old hag than me."

The Russian soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Czech, he steal the kiss and I get slapped."

And the Czech dissident is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping aRussian soldier."
Adjustable Face Lift
This women of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy.

The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used.

After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.

The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor's office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes.

The doctor replied, "Lady those aren't bags, they're your tits, and if you don't stop turning those screws you're going to have a beard!"

a mob bosses ten year old son was asked to write a list asking jesus for what he wanted for hes birthday. so he took out a pen and a paper dear jesus i would like a, he rumples it up and throws it in the bin. he starts aagain dear jesus may i have a, he does the same thing again, dear jesus i would appreciate it if, again in the bin. this goes on for bout ten minutes. finally he gets piks up a statue of mary, puts her in the clost and locks it. he piks up the pen and paper again. dear jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again,