PunkyV:


Yes I do. I actually grew up in a strict religious household where it was a MUST to go to church on Sundays & on weekday services. I guess I'm just being rebellious against that now. IDK.

It happens. There was a time I stopped observing my 5daily obligatory prayers altogether too. Its not like I stopped believing or my ways got rough, I just stopped. Only to find myself doing it again after a while.

daretodiffer:
@Survived, it is true most Africans do not joke with family ties however in your case, you have a justifiable reason to stay away from yours. It is bad if he can't understand th situation givn his education. Either way, I think he is lying or hiding something. Perhaps he is married in his country, some immigrants do that. I am sorry you were caught in the middle of it.

its obvious you didn't traverse the whole piece before opening your mouth... look at you !

pinceprinz:


It happens. There was a time I stopped observing my 5daily obligatory prayers altogether too. Its not like I stopped believing or my ways got rough, I just stopped. Only to find myself doing it again after a while.

Hahaha. Yeah, it's a good thing to have some spiritual grounding. I may go back to being a bible thumper too one day. I'm just not there yet. Were you born muslim or converted to it?

Why don't you shut the fvck up and mind your business?

I didn't quote you and the last time I checked you know nothing about peeps that live outside Nigeria.

Good day to you!

pinceprinz:


its obvious you didn't traverse the whole piece before opening your mouth... look at you !

PunkyV:


Hahaha. Yeah, it's a good thing to have some spiritual grounding. I may go back to being a bible thumper too one day. I'm just not there yet. Were you born muslim or converted to it?

I was born in it. But we weren't really serious Muslims when I was still young. The family grew the religion as we grew in age. We did the basics but weren't to the letter. We better now though; ever appreciating the beauty of the religion. Now that I'm sort of OMO, I teach myself and associate with the privileged ones to improve me.

daretodiffer:
Why don't you shut the fvck up and mind your business?

I didn't quote you and the last time I checked you know nothing about peeps that live outside Nigeria.

Good day to you!

lol. that's why I love you; quick to talk, slow to think. Feeling funky and hot as fukc. Good day to u too anyway

pinceprinz:
I was born in it. But we weren't really serious Muslims when I was still young. The family grew the religion as we grew in age. We did the basics but weren't to the letter. We better now though; ever appreciating the beauty of the religion. Now that I'm sort of OMO, I teach myself and associate with the privileged ones to improve me.

I see

PunkyV:

I see

Yup! So, what's your view about Islam?

pinceprinz:


Yup! So, what's your view about Islam?

To me it's just another religion to be honest. A strict one at that. My guy is a muslim

PunkyV:


To me it's just another religion to be honest. A strict one at that. My guy is a muslim

Wow, same here. My girl is a Christian too... Do you guys talk about it? Like him telling you what the religion stands for and represent?

I know you are slow. I had no idea it was this bad.

Quote me when you start living outside Nigeria!

pinceprinz:


lol. that's why I love you; quick to talk, slow to think. Feeling funky and hot as fukc. Good day to u too anyway

pinceprinz:
Wow, same here. My girl is a Christian too... Do you guys talk about it? Like him telling you what the religion stands for and represent?

I've been with him long enough to know what it entails eg. Ramadaan, etc. I'm just not interested lol.

Nice one. Is she willing to convert?

daretodiffer:
I know you are slow. I had no idea it was this bad.

Quote me when you start living outside Nigeria!

Lols. You won't improve on this irascible attitudes, Ever!

PunkyV:


I've been with him long enough to know what it entails eg. Ramadaan, etc. I'm just not interested lol.

Nice one. Is she willing to convert?

Not yet, we on it. She doesn't do church; Chances increase. Why u not interested, Too strenous a religion right?

pinceprinz:


Not yet, we on it. She doesn't do church; Chances increase. Why u not interested, Too strenous a religion right?

Pretty much. I dont do rules lol

PunkyV:


Pretty much. I dont do rules lol

lol. But on a closer look, I think the religion is more on being humane in the totality of it and keeping service to the supreme being on the fore front.

pinceprinz:



lol. But on a closer look, I think the religion is more on being humane in the totality of it and keeping service to the supreme being on the fore front.

Hmmm...

Cant add anything to that lol

PunkyV:

Hmmm...
Cant add anything to that lol

lol. OK, I've derailed this thread already Waiting for the sanction...

Hhhhm

Survived:
I am my "brothers" house. He is working a night shift at the hospital right now, but my friends are all feeling very strongly about not being alone right now. I'm with his wife and mom. One of their friends who is a professional counsellor stopped by and I talked to him about it. He had some input, and so did my brothers mom. The counsellor said it sometimes happens that African guys come here and will just mess around with a girl with no real intentions. He said he would talk to him, but he seems very confused about what he wants, and I am fortunate he is doing this without taking years from me. He also knows the African community here and said he highly doubts his mom is the problem. He thinks it is his pastors wife. She is very controlling, and he has seen a lot of young people do poorly, get confused, and loose direction, because of her influence. Sometimes they can get help and find their feet again. He told me if that is the case, and this woman is the influence behind this, he can either teach me to act holy in a way this woman will love, OR this woman has found another girl for my boyfriend. . . Who is African, from a well off family, etc. he said he will talk to him, and see if he can get a feel for what is happening. He also said he would take me by this pastor lady's business so I can see her interaction with people so I can understand.

When he left, my brothers mom said he will talk to my boy, but she really thinks he will probably end up finding someone else for me. He told me to focus on my licensing exam, said he was worried I would give this boy too much of my emotional energy. I got all defiant and said I was by golly passing my boards. . . I lost everything and graduated. I was passing my boards, because I was never going to be homeless again. He was happy to see it. When he left, my brothers mom said that she doesn't know what is happening with my boy, but that i shouldn't take him back. Whatever he is doing, he is lying to me. She doesn't believe a word of it, and he is not trustworthy.

I am starting to feel there is an overwhelming bit of counsel that are concerned with my wellbeing with this boyfriend. As I think back on things, some things he has said-- minor things-- that contradicted each other, so him lying wouldn't be utterly beyond the realm of possibility. The thing I'm struggling with is the possibility that I completely fell for the act. If there IS another girl, I hope that becomes clear, because it will remove any disappointment, but given the fact that my brother immediately got suspicious of another girl, and now what I'm being told about the people in his life. . . I'm not sure I could ever trust him again.

@ the bolded..
I love your conviction. I pray you find all the life, and love, that you seek.

Survived:
I needed some input.

my recently ex boyfriend broke up with me because I don't have contact with my family. He is from Ghana but has been in the states for 3 years for school. We started dating in January. I was upfront with my difficulty with my family from the beginning. He knew I didn't have contact with them, that my mom had kicked me out because I wouldn't continue in an argument she started, and for four months two years ago, I was homeless while I studied through my first semester of nursing school.

I found a picture of his on Facebook of a little girl that I suspected was his, and after a week of being together I asked about her. He confirmed that she was his daughter and that he was going to tell me about her. I initiated the conversation earlier than he probably would have, because I don't date where there is no possibility of marriage, and an abandoned child would disqualify anyone I was dating.

He told me the story. He had dated a girl for six years from age fifteen to twenty one. They had gotten engaged, and then one day he found out she had been maintaining a second relationship on the side for three years unbenounced to either man. He had been in pretty rough shape for a while, but eventually he moved on and started dating another girl. After a few years, they got pregnant with his baby, and while she was pregnant, he found out she had cheted on him with another guy. He said she wanted to stay together, and while he could forgive her, he couldn't go back. He still provide for his daughter, talks to her mother, and goes back to visit. He carries his baby's handkerchief in his pocket with him everywhere.

I couldn't fully understand how he could choose to be on another continent from his child. He said that when he is done with school, he hopes he can bring her here if her mother will allow it, but that he would never force her mother to give her up. Again, I can't fully understand choosing to be so far away from your child, and in American culture, he would typically seen as a dad that didn't take responsibility for his kid, because he went involved in her daily life, but I also recognized the cultural difference between us, the fact that I have been surrounded by opportunity all of my life, and that I saw honesty in his character, so I could trust him even if I didn't understand. He asked why I would be with a guy who had a kid. I said him having a kid was in no way a deficit of his character. How a man responds to his children and the mother of his children says a lot about his character. I wanted to know that.

He has been a remarkably considerate, gentle, and loving man. We had a rough conversation about family early on in our relationship. I knew he didn't understand, but most people don't. He didn't have to understand in my mind. I just needed him to accept it and trust me as I had done about his daughter. We stayed together, and continued to get close. I made a point of SHOWING my love rather than saying it. He had admitted he was falling for me but also that those two serious relationship betrayals had left him guarded and wary. He had dated since, but never fully opened up. Everyone has their history, pain, and fear of intimacy, so i said it was okay. "someday, you will hear me say that I love you," he said. "I just can't say it now." That was good enough for me to know he did love me.

He didn't pull away from me when I talked about my family. He knew I didn't have contact and didn't believe I could, and that it hurt me deeply. The relationship continued to get closer,and he continued to help me face my fear after my own betrayal. The point at which I was no longer having to fight myself to be open with him, I thanked him for being there for me, and he said "always." And then he started to pull away.

This didn't surprise me. This is common. One person lessens the emotional distance and the other momentarily gets anxious. We were both in school, and I let him have his space. He texted me one night to see how I was, and I said I was in a lot of pain. I was graduating, and wanting to invite my youngest brother, and I couldn't get him to answer my calls for three months. I had just found out my whole family would be in town, on campus, for the graduation of a brother who had said he was done with me. My youngest brother would be here, and the only reason he wouldn't be there for me was whatever reason he wouldnt pick up the phone. My boyfriend was sympathetic, but unavailable to come over. He made me dinner the next night, and the next night I had to be the one to turn him down because I was studying, and I suggested lunch the next day. He couldn't do it and didn't make any other plans.

A few days later he was out of town and I asked if we could make a plan to spend time together the next week, and he said we should hold off, because he needed to talk to me about something. I immediately went into panic mode, and I asked if something was wrong. He didn't reassure me. He just asked if we could please just talk when he came home. I agreed. When he came home, he asked to wait till after finals. Right before my graduation I melted down some, because we hadn't spent any time to speak of in a couple of weeks, and he had another week of finals after me. He was really stressed, thinking he had just failed a class, and apologized, but asked for space. He came to my graduation the next day, and to dinner with me and a friend that night, but he was distant. No one noticed but me.

I gave him the space he asked for, and after his last final he came over, but didn't bring up what he wanted to talk to me about. I tend to be pretty laid back. I had explained earlier that his wording had made me anxious he was about to break up with me, and he said that was not what he meant. So when he didn't bring it up right away, I let it go. He had to go out of town again, and I left it at that. While he was gone for a couple of days I said I really needed us to talk when he came home, because I was really uncomfortable with what was happening and felt under valued. So we did, and I so didn't see it coming.

He said he had been trying to consider how to proceed. He said in his culture, each family would want to know that their child was accepted by their in laws, or else they would discourage the match, so to move forward with me, he would need to have some kind of relationship with my family, "what if something happened to you, and I needed to call them. Who would I call? Would they take my call?" He asked what I was going to do about our relationship, and I said I didn't know. My family made me stressed, they were mean, they would love him, but they would tell me all the reasons I would mess it up, and him all the reasons he was too good for me. He didn't understand why I couldn't just brush it off, and we left it at just taking our relationship slowly.

I felt anxious. I ran everything through every possibility in my head, spoke to friends that knew the situation intimately, and they all told me to hold my ground--my family is abusive, they make me sick, he had to just trust me. I chose to be very blunt with him. He came to my graduation party the next night, and afterward, I gave him a couple of articles about the abuse and dysfunction in families like mine, as well as a letter about how it had manifested itself in my family, with my family hating me, my mom saying she didn't want to be my mom anymore, my brother saying he was done with me, my sister in law saying to have a nice life. I explained that my current therapist had told me months ago that had I come to her as a child, she would have been legally required to report my home life and have me removed. The only reason I wasn't legally considered an orphan was because no one rescued me. I had to wait until I grew up and did it myself. I didn't say I was unwilling to ever have contact with my family again. I just said I didn't think he understood what he was asking me to do. He was saying I either expose myself to abusive people that hated me or else loose him.

I wrote it, because sometimes when it is something really emotional, I can collect my thoughts better in writing. I sent a couple more articles, and then texted him to say I had sent it. He had barely had time to read it when he texted me back, saying it was heartbreaking, but he thought we should end the relationship. He still thought I was a wonderful woman and cared about me, but it wouldn't work. I had not seen him coming. He has been unable to see me face to face in the few days since then, and only talked on the phone once to me. But in our communication, he said he had mentioned me to his mother, but not my family stuff, and if he said I didn't have contact with my mom, it wouldn't matter why-- she would tell him to end it. He directed me to a mutual Nigerian friend that introduced himself to my boyfriend as my brother if I didn't believe him. My brother said this wasn't true--yes, family is important, but they are typically more interested in a girls character. He told me he himself had been kicked out by his aunt and uncle when he first came here for school and slept outside, he is still in bad standing with them, but he is in very good standing with the African community here. He said there is a reason for the break up, but what I am being told is not true of African culture, and that my boyfriend should at least try with his mom.

I went back to my boyfriend with this, and I also told him what I thought the real reason was and I brought up what he had told me about his past relationships, and he broke down. He asked if this was really just that I didn't want to not have a boyfriend, and I said no, this was because I loved him. He wouldn't believe me. I asked him why he would believe I couldn't love him, and he just broke down again. I told him I knew this was hard, but he had been there for me, and I was unprepared to give up on him. I had sworn I wouldn't tell him I loved him until he did, because of his fear, but I had asked him to trust me About my family, so in the email I told him I loved him, because he needed a reason to trust me. I said it ws telling to me that he had freaked out and ended it, and that he was hitting down now when I said it again. I asked him again why he wouldn't believe I could love him. He jut said please, he couldn't talk about this issue again, he was really not happy.

I haven't heard from him since.

Is it true that there is an automatic prejudice against people who have left abusive families, or been disowned, or don't have contact? Everything I have been told by my African friends is that this is rAre, and they don't believe this is the reason, and that it is unreasonable for him to say this if he hasn't even spoken to his momma about it. I don't think there is anything I can do, but I'm trying to just wrap my head around what just happened. I asked why he could not tell his mom I was an orphan, since most orphans have living parents that either can't or won't care for them. Our friends say there is nothing in African culture against being with an orphan. I told him he knows who in my life would be there if something happened to me and he needed help, because I had a car accident not long ago, and my friends did show up, help, and communicate with him. He seems to be unable to be flexible about his concept of who has to be the people in my life, regardless of who wants to be in my life. My Nigerian brother tried to call him, and my boyfriend said he would call him back and hasn't.

My Nigerian brothers family insists that if his family would reject me, it isn't about the greater African culture, but because of the culture within hi family, and that I am an unusual enough American girl to be a really good fit in an African family. They are just baffled about this. I haven't given them his romantic history, because that is between him and me, but all anyone can say is that he must be scared, and he will look up and realize what he has done, regardless of if he has the humility to come back and admit it.

I really don't know how to say this, but that ur Nigerian friend couldn't have been more right than your boyfriend.

"He, who wear a shoe, only knows where it pinches" that's an adage.

Africa I a large continent with so many countries and within the so many countries, there are so many states and within the so many states, there are so many tribes and so many different and diverse cultures and beliefs.

Ur bf may have told u what his own culture is all about, he may have his reservations. He sounds like someone who is really deep rooted in his cultural beliefs, majority of we africans in general believe that too.



I am a nigerian, about being an orphan, with no family and family background.

Let's assume I am the guy who wants to marry an orphan,( marriage in my tribe is not all about the boy and girl in question, it is about the two families).

Now, who do my people (family) consult to ask for ur hand in marriage? None. See, this is our customs, this is who we are.


I am not saying that other people do not marry absolute strangers here, but it is based on what the individual believes in. And here, your bf believes in his "TRUE AFRICAN" traditions. He should be left alone.



It is painful, but sister, that is who he is.

He might truly love u, but he might aswell be unable to compromise that.

Most mothers don't want their sons getting married to non africans, and there is a reason to that. They believe that what makes a man is his family/lineage. And that getting married to a western woman will turn his eyes and heart away from home.

U are not an orphan, u were disowned (in your words). Down here, disowning someone is not common, but once it is done, no one would want to have anything to do with that person. I also believe that is also one of his fears.

As for the "brothers" (nigerians) family telling u that the guy is lying? They are all wrong as they really don't know what is attainable in his home/tribe in Ghana. They shouldn't use what is obtainable in naija to judge him. Some people hold their cultures very close to their hearts as dat defines who they are.


I am sorry, u had to pass through all that in life, life isn't fair one bit. But please, don't blame that boyfriend of yours. Also in your words, he has been messed around by women, he is scared and now with someone disowned? To tell u the truth, I will be as scared as he is.

To know that one's family should know an individual better than anyone else, and that same family were the same people that disowned u, it speaks volume to him. Considering the fact that most people put up good acts to be with people and once they get what they want, they show their true self is also another reason to be scared of too.


I might be harsh, but that is the truth.


Africa has many cultures, ur bf's culture might be so serious to him.

I wish u good life as u have moved on, but please don't blame ur bf. He couldn't help it.

Wow, those of you who freaked out that I used the term African need to chill. You want me to say Ashanti from Accra, 15 minutes from the ocean in Ghana, with an English and African name, both of which I know? Seriously. People call me an American plenty of the time even though America encompasses the US, Canada, Mexico, etc. Oh, and my brother is ebu, Nigerian. You guys are the prejudice ones making generalizations about Americans. Just because I am from the North American continent, it doesn't mean I only see him as from the African continent. It was a shorter word for the subject line.

For those of you that asked about my extended family, they are dead, so using the term orphan is even more appropriate. Those of you who say I didn't get into the details. . . I did get into the details with him. Suffice it to say my mom says she doesn't want to be a mother anymore and turned me out on the street. I am not the only one of her children she has done that to. Those who say I should make up with my family . . . My distance is not about what happened to me in the past, but what would happen to me in the present if I went back.

I was asking for input as far as trying to understand how something that was not a deal breaker months ago suddenly became so. But I spoke to my brothers family again and a family friend, so I have better clarity now. They said the same things you have. . . He could have a wife back home, he could have another girl here, someone in his specific circle of friends whom they know could be telling him I'm not good, which is why it wasn't a problem and then became so. . . Anyway, thanks for the response--those who actually read and didn't assume I was as prejudice as you.

Africans value family lineage a lot. Again, your own definition of orphanage is not much accepted here in our culture. I will regard you as an outcast if i were to be the guy. Sincerely yours, there are many possible outcomes to your mistery, one of wc may his geniue quest to relink u up with ur family. Another being him having a wife at home in Ghana who child he show you. He may as well have a girl besidd u over there. Above all, you should have tried show him your family and take it up from there. U can still mend fence with ur family sha.