If you think you’re in for some drunken fun between the sheets, here’s some true sex talk: alcohol gives you a limp dick and other goodies.

We’ve all been there: frisky at the bar, feeling drunk, Hot, and ready to pounce on your lover or one-night-stand as soon as you find the nearest thing resembling a bed… If that sounds like a grand old night to you, it’s definitely time for some sex talk truth. Alcohol’s effects on sex rarely produce the lustful evening you envisioned sipping martinis in your stilettos.

Wanna have some unsexy sex talk? Who doesn’t?! In fact, getting down and dirty after a hard night of partying may *sound* like a great idea at the time, but trust me, drunk sex is more laughable humiliation than an erotic novel. We’re talking truth about alcohol’s effects on sex, boners, and your libido.

Drunken sex experiences

If you think your lovemaking is scheduled to go off the charts as soon as you hit that shot of tequila, you may be in for a rude awakening. Check out these true tales of some not-so-sexy drunken sexual encounters.

“I dated this guy who was a total alcoholic, whereas I don’t drink at all. Contrary to the ‘booze kills wood’ thought, he kept an erection for hours. Our sex would last so long I was always sure to orgasm, but he would never cum. Ever! It was such a buzzkill. It made me feel like I couldn’t please him, and sleeping with him while I was sober and he was not made me feel like a creep.” –Kristen, 30

“In my freshman year of college I just started a new relationship. I was crazy about her, but we were too nervous to make the first move sexually. One night we both got drunk and went for it. Turns out we were so wasted I couldn’t get hard and her vagina was drier than a desert. Eventually I managed a half-chub and tried to do the deed, but she was so dry she actually started crying from the pain. It was humiliating for both of us. Side note? She broke up with me that following week.”-[/i]Steve, 29

[i]“I had sex with this guy who was so drunk that he literally fell asleep while we were doing it. I kind of… nudged him awake and tried to pretend that awfulness didn’t just happen to me. He thrusted sleepily a few more times before snoring loudly into my ear. Talk about disgusting. IF you want to feel un-cared about, have drunk sex. TBH don’t, it’s frickin’ terrible.” –Christiane, 26

Sex talk: Why drunk sex is not a good idea

Alcohol effects the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain controlling inhibitions. Clouded thinking and lowered inhibitions sound like the point of getting drunk, but the reality causes some pretty scary situations. For example, rape.

Studies show that anywhere from 69-89% of sexual assaults occur when there is alcohol involved and on average during one out of three sexual assaults, the perpetrator was either drinking or drunk.

Being drunk as a skunk also affects your decision-making skills, such as the decision to use condoms to protect yourself from STDs. You also do things sexually you would otherwise not do *and not in the fun way*.

Get ready for some dry sex

Ever notice how after a night of slinging back Long Island Iced Teas you practically gulp down a gallon of water before bed? This happens because alcohol dehydrates you, and not just your thirst—to your vagina, too! A common side effect of drinking results in vaginal dryness and the inability to self-lubricate.

Alcohol kills erections

What’s more embarrassing than finally scoring the hot girl to go home with you and then not being able to get hard for her? Pretty much nothing. Whisky Dick became a phrase for a reason, people. While one beer lowers inhibitions and allows each partner to let go and enjoy sex, five beers only give you a humiliating story to go home with. Alcohol slows down your nervous system, which holds responsible the ability to get aroused. Also alcohol acts as a depressant, and nobody wants to bang when they’re feeling sad!

Research suggests excessive drinking is one of the most common causes of erectile dysfunction. Ouch.

Impaired or dulled orgasms

As previously mentioned, alcohol creates a negative effect on the central nervous system, which also holds responsibility for circulation, nerve sensitivity, and oh yeah—orgasms!

Nervous system aside, alcohol also inhibits a woman’s ability to get wet, and we all know lubrication is absolutely vital in a woman coming to orgasm. Lack of reaching the big finish line doesn’t just affect women, either. One 2004 study shows 11% of drinkers had difficulty reaching orgasm.

Sloppy sex talk *and not in the fun way*

You are the master of your bedroom, you know exactly what you’re doing and exactly how to please. You’ve got moves your partner’s only ever heard about. Until you start drinking, that is. Drunk sex isn’t exactly a neatly flowing ballet. Body parts flail everywhere, you can’t find her hole, the kisses turn into wet misses, and you keep losing your hard-on. Not exactly a rave-worthy moment.

The short and sweet of it, why bother having sloppy sex that makes you a laughing stock, when you could be bringing your partner to the brink with sober seductions, instead?

If this sex talk doesn’t deter you from having a naked, drunken fiasco next Friday night, we don’t know what will. Here’s to you, you little drunk! Go ahead, get laid—just don’t expect it to be good.

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