I broke up with my pretty girl bout two months ago and ever since I have never been so "captivated" by another girl. But just last week, I started going out with this drop-dead pretty and cute girl and this is the song of my heart:

Read:


ODE TO A DAMSEL

My heart ran past the eagle’s wing
Like a drunken driver on his death mill
Alas! A gleaming, glinting golden pheasant
Journeying these streets of thorny barb

Plying a lonely lane with her graceful base
Her beam makes the west wind coil its tail
A million times till it stray into vast oceans
She winds a teasing mien, smile so pure

Such that had the hood stuck in her drool
A thousand times have I to worship you
Come on to me, queen of the savannah
Tell me why your world is so cold, so dark

And let me illuminate your darkest nights
Those clogs of dusk that once held your still lights
Come to me, come on to me
A thousand years to adore your clanging feet

Another century, your luscious fur
To love, amidst my nights' abounding storm
I would adore you beyond the trenches of the Nile
Fervor, stronger than a Tyson fight

Forbid not this breath to uphold your naïve nipple
Let my arms give you warmth till the twinkle
Of a dazzling dawn, till I prove you to the town
That you, only you deserve the crown!

Coments, coments, coments. I need comments!

Lucky damsel,sentimental lyrics.

@workagwa

May I know what you mean by attributing the poem to a 'sentimental' one? For your info, am still friends with my ex and I as a writer, I felt like putting my experience with the new girl to writing. So you may be wrong nursing such feelings!

You miss my point."Sentimental" in the sense that it is a yearning of the heart.

Take a look at this:

Such that had the hood stuck in her drool
A thousand times have I to worship you
Come on to me, queen of the savannah
Tell me why your world is so cold, so dark

And let me illuminate your darkest nights
Those clogs of dusk that once held your still lights
Come to me, come on to me
A thousand years to adore your clanging feet

You may love your ex,but that does not stop this poem from being a straightforward expression
of emotions.

Oh,and by the way,nothing wrong with the poem in itself.Ok?

@wokargwa

Thanx.

this poem is kinda all over the place. too many random metaphors. no focus.

hard to understand. why are you writing in Queen's English?


you get an A for effort, though

@africhika

I dont seem to get your argument or criticism, better still. What do you mean by my poem lacking focus or something?

the words are really really passionate, but it's all over the place.

soo many random references that come out of nowhere- eagles, drunk driver, pheasants, wind coiling its tail.

the first 2 lines are illogical. i do love the 4th stanza.

@africhika

I think i appreciate your criticism but I also think your criticsm is ill-thoughtw. If I may have to clear the air, the first line simply captures in vivid terms the swiftness at which my heart beats and second line, kind of compared the speed to a driver running as if he's about to die. Think about this!