On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.
Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and some great sex.” All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says “Don’t forget the coffee!”

A young man saw his elderly uncle at a Family gathering and happily rushed up to him. He was surprised by the response he got, A COLD SHOULDER! He was accused of showing affection only because this is a Family gathering.
His uncle accused him of not making any attempt to either visit or call.
The perplexed young man defended himself thus: But Uncle, I tried your number on several occasions but every time the response I got is “SORRY, THE NUMBER YOU ARE CALLING IS NOT RESPONSIBLE!”

One day while traveling from Aba to Port Harcourt in a mini bus, a big 911 trailer overtook us in high speed. Zooooom… the Aboki sitting by the window shouted. THE BLOOD OF JESUS!!!

Two kingdoms Ashanti and Ewe kingdom, decided to hold a drinking competition to test one supremacy.
A week to the competition, the Ewe kingdom sent a delegate, Efo, to Ashanti to confirm if the competition will still hold.
When Efo got there, people of Ashanti brought 20 litres of their strongest Akpeteshie( local gin) to welcome their guest.
Efo asked: Can i test it? The people said; Go ahead.
Efo drank and finished all the 20 litres and said; surprising…. this is good for a child’s birthday, where is the main drink?
The people of Ashanti shouted; come ooo, are u among the competitors?
Efo replied: Me!!! No, I did not even qualify.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7zeCSjxmZ0

A couple just had an argument and were going for a function. They were not speaking, until they passed a farm’s open field where some pigs were playing around in the mud.
“Relatives of yours, I believe,” the husband said.
“Yes,” agreed the wife. “The in-laws”.

Akpos came home crying from school. His father went back with him to find out why his teacher beat him.
FATHER: Ma. Why did you beat my son?
TEACHER: Ask your son what he did?
FATHER: Akpos, what did you do?
AKPOS: I asked why is her Bra singular when it covers two items and Panties plural when it covers just one item?
lol. Do you think Akpos deserved the beating

An unknown caller called Amaka and the following conversation ensued
Unknown caller: hello, do you have a boyfriend?
Amaka: Yeah…
Unknown caller: So you have a boyfriend? Its your dad. I’m coming so that you’ll tell me when you grew horns!
five minutes later, another Unknown caller called.
Unknown caller: Hello, do you have a boyfriend?
Amaka: No!
Unknown caller: I see you don’t love me. I’m your boyfriend.
Amaka: Oh Sweet heart, I love you. I thought it was my stupid Dad!
Unknown caller: It’s not your boyfriend. It’s still your dad, i just wanted to confirm you really have one.
Wait for me! I’m on my way!!!

Teacher: “Amaka, What do u want to be in life?”
Amaka: “A successful multi billionaire business woman.”
Teacher faces Akpos.
Teacher: “Akpos what of you?”
Akpos: “Amaka’s husband”

OMODAN: today we will b treating career development, so each one of u will tell me where your father’ work
BOLA: Sir, My Dad, is a medical Doctor he work’s in the National Hospital Abuja
OMODAN: clap for Her, next person!
ALI: sir, my dad, is a banker he works with Skye Bank
OMODAN: clap for him, next!
SABISABI: bros, my papa na Bank too, E dey Work with Moon Bank.
OMODAN fainted

I was driving down a street along Alausa, having just finished answering a call, when a policeman, suddenly, opened the passenger door, entered and jam-locked it.
(The door lock is faulty)
As usual, he wanted 'something' from me for calling while driving...
Suddenly, he saw the big Rothweiller dog, Jackie, at the back seat of the car, with tongue stuck out, spittle dripping and fangs barring, staring fiercely at him.
Policeman: (Shaking)
Ah! You carry dog?
Me: (I bone face) Yes, I carry dog. Dat one na offense?
Policeman: (Feeling uncomfortable)
Na where una dey come from?
Me: From hospital.
Policeman: Ehen! you sick?
Me: No, na person wey the dog bite we go see. The person almost die sef.
Policeman: (Terribly shaken by now)
Ehen! But why the dog dey shake head like that?
Me: Na so im dey do if e wan bite person.
Policeman: The dog know you?
Me: Yes nah, no be my dog?
Policeman: (Sweating)
This your door, how you dey open am?
Me: How you take enter?
Policeman: Abeg! Na since I dey try open am, but e no open.
(The dog was now getting impatient and gave a small growl, its tongue almost touching the policeman's left ear).
Policeman: (Now sliding forward)Oga, I take God beg you, open the door for me make I comot. I no go collect anythin from you.
Me: How much you go pay me?
Policeman: Ah! I neva hustle anythin since morning. Na only N1,000 dey wit me.
Me: You neva ready.
(I looked back at the dog).
Policeman: Ok ok ok ok ok, e reach N2,000. The oda N1,000 na my wife own, but I go give you join.
(Now, close to tears as the dog was becoming really impatient)
Oga, I be......g, Oga, sorry. Take the N2,000 make you open the door plssssssse!
Me: Oya, bring am. (I collected the N2,000 & allowed him out of the car)
Policeman: God punish you. Idiot, e no go ever better for you and your yeye dog. Wicked man!!!

PASTOR: Praise the Lord!!!
CHURCH MEMBERS: HALLELUJAH!!!
PASTOR: That halleluyah is too small for my God.
AKPOS: Who are you? Heaven's sound system engineer?

Wife: Honey Christmas is approaching.
Husband: Thanks for reminding me. Can't wait.
Wife: Get me a Tablet for Christmas.
Husband: Really?
Wife: Yeah.
Husband: Paracetamol or Vitamin C?
Wife: I mean Samsung Tablet baby
Husband: Relax!! It's Jesus Birthday not yours!
Alakoba

You sent her 1k recharge card. . . . . . . . She loaded it and now flashed u. . . . . You with only 25 naira on ur fone will now call her & ask her if she has loaded it Bro come forward. No I won't beat you oh Just come forward. Now repeat after me" "Every spirit from my father's side or from my mother's side using my sense for pepper soup and doing mannequin challenge on my destiny... Die by fire!!!" OYA PRAAAAY

I was watching Christmas drama rehearsal by my church's drama group today,nd I nearly burst into tears...Mary told Joseph she was pregnant,nd Joseph shouted "Jesus Christ" for who?
nd I became confused...

#secondary school Days
That Awkward Moment when you go to visit
your
Friend in another class
and you suddenly heard
*"All of you should Kneel Down!"*

A monkey and a baboon were seated next to each other during a service in church ...........the pastor said; turn to your neighbor and say they are beautiful and adorably created by God. Monkey looks at the baboon for a moment , then laughs out loud and tells the pastor.....tell him yourself, I don't want to lie in church .............

*A South African tweeted " MY PRESIDENT IS THE WORST PRESIDENT EVER*! *WHY SHOULD THERE BE ELECTRICITY FOR 23 HOURS OUT OF 24 HOURS? HOW CAN CITIZENS BE IN DARKNESS FOR ONE WHOLE HOUR*? *I'M SO UPSET RIGHT NOW*!"
And then a Nigerian man quoted and retweeted. *_"Come to my country, you won't even have battery to type this nonsense*

I was invited to a wedding,, when i reached the hotel i found
two doors written
1 . bride relatives
2. Groom relatives
I entered the one written groom relatives and found two more
doors
1 . ladies
2. men
I went through the one for ladies only to find two more doors
1 . people with gifts
2. people without gift
I went through the one written people without gifts and found
myself outside the hotel through the back door.
At the door it was written "so in this time of recession you
want to just come, eat and drink without any gift, No Way" ole
oloju kokoro

A guy mistakenly transferred N200k (out of N210k balance in his account) to a wrong account number via mobile money transfer. After thinking of a way to stop the person from withdrawing the money, he came up with an idea of sending a text message to the person's phone number saying:
"Hello dark and worthy initiate, I hope you're OK. I believe you have received the money I sent to you. It's for your
initiation into the eternal mystical order of glorious satanism in the Ogboni fraternity scheduled to take place tomorrow at 12 midnight. That money is only for your transport. I'll send you more for shopping. There are riches awaiting you in this kingdom. Two weeks after the initiation, a family member
very close to your heart will die, this will unlock your ticket to wealth and you will have the ability to fly at night to any part
of the world. Thanks in advance. But in case you're not ready to join, please send back the money immediately to avoid ur sudden death."
Five minutes later, he got an SMS saying:
"Please send another N200k, my friend is also interested. Nigerian economy has frustrated us too much."
The man fainted......

Akpos, Johnny and Ochuko went to rob a supermarket at night. 

They decided not to give an answer to any question if they
were unfortunately caught. 

A neighbour saw them, called the police and unfortunately for them they were caught.

POLICE: [to Johnny] What's your name?
There was no answer.

POLICE:[to Ochuko] What's your name?
He didn't respond either.

POLICE:[to Akpos] What's your name?
AKPOS: Johnny and Ochuko did not say their names why should I?

Why Some Husbands Avoid Questions From Their Wife.

WIFE: What will you do if i
die? Will you get married
again?

Husband: No.

Wife: Why not? Don't you like being married? 

Husband: Of course i do.

Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

Husband: Ok, ok, i'll get married again.

Wife: Will you live in our
house with your new Wife?

Husband: Yes, it's a great
house.

Wife: Will you let her drive
my car?

Husband: Yes, it's a nice one.

Wife: Will you give her my
jewelry?

Husband: No. I am sure she'll want her own. 

Wife: Will she wear my
shoes?

Husband : No, her size is '41'

Wife: What!

Husband: poo! Oh my God! I'm finished!

Akpos was arrested by the police and taken to court. 

Magistrate: You were arrested on the expressway for abruptly stopping your car in the middle of the road and causing 10 other vehicles behind you to run into each other thereby causing damages and injuries, Are you guilty or not? 

Akpos: I’m not guilty. 

Magistrate: What is your defence? 

Akpos: I heard the National Anthem on the car radio and as a good citizen, i stopped immediately and stood at attention.

Akpos was sitting at a bar, and thinking about his life, when all of a sudden, Ironman, the town's most notorious thug came and smacks Akpos in the face and says
"That's KUNG FU, made in China".

A while later, Ironman the thug smacks Akpos again and says "That's KARATE, made in
Korea". 

Ironman then sat at the bar and started drinking.

Akpos gets up and leaves the bar. 

A short time later he comes back and smacks Ironman, knocking
him out cold and he said to the barman, "When that fool wakes up, tell him that was a SHOVEL, made in ABA".

Akpos is sleeping in class while the teacher is teaching. 

Teacher: Akpos why are you sleeping? 

Akpos: Ma, because your voice is so sweet. 

Teacher: But why is the whole class not sleeping? 

Akpos: Because they are not listening.

Two years old Marvelous, is the funniest kid on YouTube right now
watch his new comedy short film featuring his beautiful sisters

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nB88ulVOJzw&hl=en&client=mv-google&gl=NG

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_6DImRk71o

Akpos gets married and on his wedding night he calls his father for some tips on what to do, because he has never been with a woman before.

AKPOS: So what do i do first?

AKPOS' FATHER: Take her clothes off and lay her on the bed.

Two minutes later Akpos was on the phone again "She is Unclad and
in bed, what do I do now?" 

His father can't believe what he is hearing.

AKPOS' FATHER: Take your damn clothes off and get into bed with her.

After another two minutes Akpos is on the phone again.

AKPOS: Dad I'm Unclad and in bed with her, what do I do now?

His dad's patience is now running thin so he says, "Akpos, do i have to spell everything out for you? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees Good night!"

Just when the old man starts snoring, Akpos is on the phone again.

AKPOS: Ok dad, i have put the hardest thing on my body where she pees what do i do next?

AKPOS' FATHER: DROWN YOURSELF YOU BLOODY IDIOT!

Akpos comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Akpos seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls. Could you please sit down and have a talk with Akpos about this." 

So Akpos' mother takes him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. 

"First, Akpos, I want you to take off my blouse..." So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. 

"Take off my skirt..." Akpos takes off her skirt. 

"Take off my bra." He takes off her bra. 

"Now, Akpos, please take off my panties." 

When Akpos is finally done taking off the clothes. 

She says, "Akpos, please don't wear any of my clothes to school again!"

Akpos was making love to his pregnant wife when all of a sudden the baby in her womb held Akpos' manhood and shouted; Please take it easy, my eyes is here o.

You went to a burial, the casket was opened for friends to pay their last respect to the deceased. 

You are the last person to go pay your respect.

As you entered, the DECEASED rose, grab your hand and shouted "COME HERE"

Tell me, what are you going to do?

Nothing is more painful than your neighbor having light and you don't.