A Whatsapp conversation between Akpos and a girl named Tina…Akpos: I Love You
Tina: Lol
Akpos: I need you in my life
Tina: Lol
Akpos: You are my everything
Tina: Lol
Akpos: iPhone 6 Or iPhone 7
Tina: iPhone 7
Akpos: Loooool
Tina: Do you want to buy it for me
Akpos: Loooooooooool
Tina: Talk to me na
Akpos: Loooooool

Akpos went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbour owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?”“Do you have any proof he owes you the money?” asked the lawyer.
“Nope,” replied Akpos
“OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owed you,” said the lawyer.
“But it’s only $500,” replied Akpos
“Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your Proof!”

preciousuweh:
Two friends are talking….
Boltu : You know, my grandfather is a brave man. He went to the jungle of Africa in the last summer and suddenly confronted by a tiger.
Montu : Really ! After return he must be applauded by everyone ?
Boltu : I did not say that he came back.

no tiger in Africa jungle
nice jokes... Good job

preciousuweh:
Two teachers were arguing in the
class and the students were
watching.
Others teachers were trooping in one
after the other.
.
ENGLISH TEACHER: What a
pugnacious and combatant fight
teachers maneuverating themselves
in the presence of their pupils.
.
CHEMISTRY TEACHER: Stop this now
or I`ll balance your equation with
acid and base.
.
MATHS TEACHER: please please stop
before I divide and subtract your
names from our teachers` list.
.
CRK TEACHER: Oh God ,forgive them
because they do not know what they
are doing.
.
ECONOMICS TEACHER: What a
human behavior,I`ll draw a scale of
preference to know who`s at fault.
MUSIC TEACHER: Stop both of you
lack voices to win an argument,your
phonet is voiceless,your treble,and
your auto lack vocal sound.
.
HISTORY TEACHER: oh my God of
century 2013 I`ll compare this fight
with that of Iran and Iraq..
.
HAHAHAHAHA "i must calculate the
weight, velocity and momentum of
each blow". Lol... which teacher
made that last statement??

Physics teacher

During the Ebola outbreak in Nigeria Akpos went to Church on Sunday and testified that he was infected with Ebola and that God had healed him.
When he finished, he tried to give the microphone to the second man who was waiting to give his own testimony, but the man refused to take it:
The following conversation ensued:
2nd man: I have no testimony, give it to Pastor.
(Akpos tried to give the microphone to the Pastor)
Pastor: I’m not in charge of testimonies so give it to the Senior Pastor.
(Akpos goes to the Senior Pastor)
Senior Pastor: Brother in Christ, the mic is yours. It’s a gift from the Church. You may take it home.

On Lagos-Ibadan express road, when a Pastor met a team of policemen who, quite
naturally, wanted ‘something’ from him. Since he was not prepared to
play their games, they asked for his papers and having combed through everything
without any offense with which to nail the ‘stubborn’ pastor, they now
asked him to open the bonnet of his car.
A careful scrutiny of the engine number against what was on paper revealed that
letter ‘U’ was written in such a way that it could be mistaken for letter ‘V’. That
was all the officer-in-charge needed to shout “stolen vehicle!”
Sensing trouble, even when he knew he committed no offense, the pastor called the OC to say he was a priest to which the officer replied :”Please, leave that
pastor thing…in any case, if you are indeed a pastor, then you must have a
Bible in your car, bring it.”
The Pastor did as was commanded after which the officer now ordered:
“Please read Matthew 5:25-26 to me”.
The incredulous Pastor opened to the recommended passage and read:
“Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to a judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth; you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.”
The man of God quietly made an “offering” of “just” N100 to his newly found “preacher”.
“End of service go in peace and argue no more”, said the OC.

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, father, what causes arthritis?”
“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.”
“Well I’ll be.” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

At the close of work on one faithful Friday, Seun decided to give any lady that came his way a lift. After the 2nd turn from his office along Ikorodu expressway, he saw a catholic sister and gave her a lift.
While they were going he did not know how to start a conversation with her, therefore, he placed his hand on her laps pretending he was reaching out for the gear stick.
The sister softly said Mathew 7:7′, he quickly removed his hand, and resumed concentration on his driving.
He attempted it the 2nd and 3rd time, and each time, she repeated, Mathew 7:7′. When the sister got to her destination, she opened the door and said to the man, “Young man, the problem with you is that you don’t read your Bible”
When Seun got home, he opened his Bible to MATHEW 7:7 which reads “Ask and it shall be given unto you…”. He nearly cried.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.”
If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”

Akpos goes to a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Hello, could you give me a condom? I’m going to my girlfriend’s place for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!”
The pharmacist gives him the condom. As he was going out he turns and says, “Give me another condom, my girlfriend’s sister is very cute too, she always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me, I think I may strike luck there too.”
The pharmacist gives him a second condom. As he was leaving, he again turns back and says, “Give me one more condom, my girlfriend’s mom is still pretty cute. When she sees me, she always makes eye contact and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move.”
During dinner, Akpos sat with his girlfriend on the left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the girlfriend’s Dad walks in, Akpos lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer. “Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you’ve given us………”
10 minutes after, Akpos was still praying, “Thank you Lord for your kindness.”
Another ten minutes goes by and he is still praying, keeping his head down, very close to the table. They all looked at each other surprised, his girlfriend even more shocked than the others. She gets close to him and whispers, “I didn’t know you’re so religious.”
Akpos replies, “I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!”.
Now if you were Akpos, what would you do?”

A man was talking to his friend at the bar. The friend said “Did you know that 9 out of 10 women with brown eyes cheat on their husbands?” “No, I didn’t know that.” The man replied.
“So what color are your wife’s eyes?” asked the friend. The man replied, “I’m too drunk to remember. Geez, I better go home and find out.” So the man hurries home to find his wife in bed and asleep.
The man carefully lifts his wife’s eyelid and exclaims, “Oh my God! Brown!” Suddenly, another man pops out from under the covers and exclaims, “How the hell did you know I was here?”

Never argue with a woman, just use your brains like this Waffi guy.
A man went on a night out with his friends the wife is furious and tells the kids that when he comes back they must not open the door for him.
At about 12 midnight the man comes back and knocks…the Wife tells him “Go sleep where you dey come from o!!”
Judging by her tone of voice that her fury is about to overflow,the man answered “Relax I no com sleep, nah the condoms wey dey on top table for my room I come collect. In fact give them to me. Plenty women dey for the party!”
The wife opened the door and said,”Where you dey go? Oya Enter o! Come inside the house before I change my mind!”

Three guys were gisting at a beer parlour.
The first guy said when my wife was pregnant she was reading a book; a tale of two cities and she gave birth to twins.
The second said his wife was reading the three musketeers and she gave birth to triplets.
The third guy dropped his beer bottle and started running home.
When they got to his house they saw him burning a book and they asked why.
He said his wife was reading Ali Baba and the forty thieves and she is pregnant……not in this house ……it can not happen!

One day, four men went up to a mountain to give a sacrifice to their god. They were a Nigerian, a Chinese, an Indian, and an English man.
Chinese man: “this is for my people”. and he jumped down the mountain.
Indian man: “this is for my people” and he jumped down.
When it was the Nigerian’s turn, he says: “this is for my people” and he pushes the English man down the mountain.

Nice jokes

lhawarl1:
Nice jokes

Thanks

I love all ;DI love all

Richardabbey:
I love all ;DI love all

Thanks for loving it.

preciousuweh:

Thanks for loving it.

ok , bt nd more

Akpos went to a native doctor and requested to know
how bright his destiny would be.
The native doctor drew a circle with a white chalk and another circle with a black chalk.
After that he placed a dead millipede on the floor and asked Akpos to watch carefully.
He said he would recite some incantation to make the dead millipede start crawling.
He told Akpos that if the millipede crawls into the white circle, it means that his destiny
will be bright but if it crawls inside the black circle, it means his destiny will be dark.
Finally he started his incantation and the dead millipede started crawling. When it got in between the
two circles, it turned and started crawling towards the black circle.
Akpos watched and immediately it was about entering the black circle, Akpos picked it and gently dropped it inside the white circle.
The native doctor who got furious asked Akpos why he did that.
Akpos replied, “I won’t fold my arms and watch my destiny crawl into darkness because my destiny is in my hands.”

One day, thieves came to Akpos’ house.
His father quickly noticed them and asked Akpos to bring his gun.
After Akpos brought him his gun, he told him to hide in the room. As the thieves entered, his father brandished his gun at them and they began to tremble.
Suddenly, Akpos came out of the room. His father, surprised, commanded, “Go inside!”
Akpos shouted back, “Dad, you forgot to put water into the gun.”
Akpos’ father is currently in the hospital receiving treatment.

We bring 419, Ghana copy from us, we no vex….
We bring selling of drugs, Ghana copy, we no vex…,
We get Oil, Ghana claim dem too discover oil, we no vex…
Now LIGHT OFF, you copy that one too finish!
Una Nollywood una copy from us u dey call am Ghollywood or Kumahood.
When president die, we make vice-president takeover you copy that one too.
But now one thing we dey beg una say make you no try at all copy from us, be BOKO HARAM….
We take God name beg una, make una do us this favour, leave that one give us!!!

Akpos calls into the police station and says, “My wife is missing.”
The officer asks, “How long has she been gone?”
Akpos: “A month.”
Oficer: “Why did you wait so long to report it?”
Akpos: “Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream, then I realized I didn’t have any clean clothes to wear.”

The following conversation ensued between Akpos and his girlfriend:
Akpos: Baby, even though I don’t have a well-furnished duplex in Victoria Island like John, 2015 Range Rover Sport like John, and even if I’m not working in Chevron Oil Company like John, I love you with all my heart! That’s the best thing I can give you.
Girlfriend: (sobs, moves close to Akpos and whispers in his ear) If you truly love me, introduce me to John.

how would a barbar be asking a Bald man which kind style he won cut

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying;
“Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!”
After a few seconds, Akpos stood up.
The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Akpos?”
“No, ma, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

A pastor was preaching about death to his congregation. He said, “One day, every member of this church is going to die!”
Akpos, who sat in the front row laughed excessively at the pastor.
The pastor repeated it. “I said, one day, every member of this church is going to die!”
Again akpos laughed out loud.
The irritated pastor asked Akpos, “Son, what’s so funny about that?”
Akpos replied, “I’m not a member of this church!”

TEACHER: How many feet are there in a yard?
AKPOS: It depends, if there are 3 people, then we have six feet.

May/June 2015 Biology WAEC Questions INSTRUCTION: Answer All Q2 (a)(i)
Mention 9 differences between Livestock A (Goat) and Livestock B (Sheep)
Check out Akpos answer: The goat when you use it for soup it taste ‘waaaaow’, but the sheep when you use it for soup, it does not taste ‘waaaaow’.
Goats give soup perfume especially the boy goat, but sheep don’t give soup perfume. A goat can cross a road wisely but the sheep is very foolish and walks slowly on the road

Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.
Akpos throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Akpos: Me! I’m going home now.

Laugh wan kill me!!!! i think if i see another update i will cure my sad mood right now

preciousuweh:
Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.
Akpos throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Akpos: Me! I’m going home now.

lol, smart guy......
Good job op