There is this girl I love so much but I still don't know why she won't talk to me anymore. It started like this: She posted on Facebook: "All men are dogs!" I commented: "Which breed is your father?" That's how the problem started. Please did I ask the wrong question?

A farmer caught Akpos in his garden, plucking and packing vegetables in a sack.
FARMER: what the are u doing here?
Akpos: A strong wind blew me here.
FARMER: Then what are those vegetables doing in your hands?
Akpos: I was holding unto them so the wind will not carry me any further.
FARMER: OK! So why is that sack on your back?
Akpos: That was what I was wondering before you came.

A lady and Akpos were having drinks at the bar. Later that night the woman whispered to Akpos, "LET'S GO TO MY PLACE". So they left. At the woman's place they started kissing and undressing each other, then the lady whispered in the sexiest voice, "TIE ME ON THE BED AND DO WHAT U DO BEST" Akpos tied her on the bed and...and... ran away with her TV, Laptop, Blackberry, ipad and iphone.

teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students this question: John if you were on a date having dinner with a
nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

JOHN: "Just a minute, I have to go and pee."

TEACHER: "That would be rude and
impolite.How about you musa?"

MUSA: "I'm sorry, I really need to go to the toilet."

TEACHER: "That's better but still not nice to say the word toilet. Oh Akpos, how about you?"

AKPOS: "Darling, may I be excused for a moment? I've got to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to
introduce to you after dinner."

*** teacher fainted***

Two friends smoked weed... One went behind a tree, removed all his clothes and came back to his friend Unclad! He stood in front of his friend and asked, "How do I look in my new suit?"
The friend looked at him, smiled, took ­ another puff and said,
"You look so amazing in the suit but you put your tie below the waist instead of putting it on the neck!"

TEXT CHAT::

Boy: I'm coming to see you honey, I
dont care about the high gas prices
or nothing I'm coming no
matter what.
Girl: Awwww Okay I'm fine love, get
ready baby
Boy: I love you, I cant wait to see
you...I'm
getting ready to leave now
Girl: Okay but hunny I'm on my
periods, just
letting you know incase....
Boy: My car just blew up, I cant come
to see
you ...
Girl: Get your friend to take you, like
he always
does....
Boy: He got shot by armed robbers so
i cant come, I'm sorry..
Girl: Oh never mind, I'm not on my
periods. My
panties are just looking too red...
Boy: My friend has just been
discharged from hospital and he has
said he's okay, he's fine and he will
take
me now. I'm coming sweetheart
Girl: poo! I'm really on my
periods...just did not notice the
blood.....
Boy: damn!!!!!!!, he has been shot
again, i wont come!!!!

1.) She is not picking your calls right? Don't worry, send her a text saying "Honey have you seen the money?"... She will call back.

2. He is not picking your calls right? Don't worry, put his picture on your profile and write "I'll miss you, R.I.P boo"... He will call back as fast as he can, try it and see

Teacher: Kola, spell plantain
Kola: whish one? the lipe one or the unlipe one?

He asks "Which one? The ripe one or the unripe one?", some people (like me) have trouble with the 'r', and with some people, it sounds like an 'l'

Teacher: what difference does it make? Just spell plantain!
Kola: Teasha, If you fly the lipe one na 'DODO',
if you fly the unlipe one na 'SHIPS'
if you loast am, na 'BORLI'
All of them na plantain,
so whish one you wan make I spell?

teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him,
"If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"
Johnny says, "None."
The teacher asks, "Why?"
Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."
Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"
The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

If animals and insects were on facebook, we'll be having posts and comments like......


1. MOSQUITO WALL POST: Finally PHCN don off light, blood sucking things.
COMMENTS:
(a) Bleep up, dey don on gen for my end.
(b) Abeg bros which area you dey? My people don fleet house.

2. DOG WALL POST: Na wa oh..... I never even stay reach 5mins, all these calabar people don dey eye me. *Ghost mode activated, them no go see me* escaping things on my mind.
COMMENTS: My neighbour na calabar too. The man eyes no good for where dogs dey... I go bite am soo.

3. RAT WALL POST: Omo na die I dey oh..... No food for my master kitchen. Na ehm books go hear am nah. Ehn think say I come ehm house to watch tv abi?
COMMENT: Your master stingy, disown am jor.

4. CHICKEN WALL POST: On the 1st of Dec. I'll be traveling for one month, if you need my attention, enter bush I no fit shout. All these xtians no be em at all.
COMMENT: No be only you oh, I dey migrate too.

5. HE-GOAT WALL POST: Heat mood activated, any she-goat online for sex chat?
COMMENTS:
(a) She-goat: @He-goat you're a capital BIG fool.
(b) He-goat: @She-goat, pretender, as if you no dey feel Hot. Carry your smelling backside comot for post jor.

6. COCK WALL POST: All these hen go dey run like say dey no wan do. But if you catch them, dem go bend quickly, set for doggy style.
COMMENT: Your own better nah, you dey catch them. The ones for my area na fast and furious. I don pursue tire..

UNCLE NATHAN's 10years old son asked him, dad what's the different between Potentiality and Reality
UNCLE NATHAN calls his wife and ask her, sweetheart will you sleep with our Landlord for 2million naira
WIFE: Wow, why not I can't miss that opportunity, hope you understand.
Then UNCLE NATHAN calls his daughter and ask her: my dear, will you sleep with our gateman for 2million naira
DAUGHTER: Hmmm, dad I will be happy to do so even if its half of the money..
Then the UNCLE NATHAN finally call his first son and ask him: Son will you sleep with Jamal Lyon for 2million naira
SON: Mehn, dad I will not think it twice, I will do it immediately.
Then the UNCLE NATHAN turns to his 10 Years old son and said son you see, we POTENTIALLy have a 3millionaires here but in REALITY we got 2 prostitutes and one gay....

Wale: I saw the strap of your bra..
TEACHER JANET: Wale!! Getout!, no class for u 4 a week!.
Johnbull started laughing
TEACHER JANET: Why did u laugh??
Johnbull : i saw both straps of your bra
TEACHER JANET: GETOUT, no class 4 u for 1 month!..
..Teacher JANET bends down 2 pick chalk & Akpos started walking out of the class
TEACHER JANET: Akpos, why are you going out?
Akpos : di tin wey i see now ma, I think my school days are over!!!!!…

I went to buy Recharge card from One Aboki who sells stuff on my street, when I got there he was arguing with another Aboki, suddenly he turned to me and said {abeg shebi na Toothpaste Marry Animal Calling}
I have never been so confused in my life I
kept asking him to repeat what he meant but he
kept saying the same thing I was frustrated, I
had to leave them to their argument as I couldn't be of help. But it kept bothering my mind, what could this guy mean??
After weeks of racking my brain to decipher the
meaning of his statement, Na this morning I
realize wetin the guy dey ask me.
What he was saying was { abeg shebi na 2face Marry Annie Macaulay}

A girl walks into Doctor's Akpos office.
The doctor was
awed by her beauty and all his
professionalism
goes right out the window.
He tells her to sit. Then he starts to rub
her
thighs. He asked her, "Do you know what
I'm
doing?"
She replied, "Yes! You're checking for
abnormalities."
Then he tells her to take of her shirt and
bra,
rubs her boobs and asks her, "Do you
know what
I'm doing?"
She says, "Yes! Checking for cancer."
Then he takes off her panties and starts
having
sex with her. Then he asks again, "Do you
know
what I'm doing?"
She said, "Yep!
Getting your share of my HIV! That's why
I came
here
Doctor Akpos fainted!

1. The Difference Between Bathroom
And Baffroom .................
In Bathroom, One Can Take A Cute
Selfie.
But In Baffroom, Hmmm
Hmmmmm!
If Your Soap Falls On The Floor, Just
Forget It!
.
2. Chei! Just Because I Borrowed A Pen
From A Cashier And Forgot
To Return It, I Got Home Now And
Received A Debit Alert Of
#70.....
First Bank! My God Will Fight For Me
O!!!
.
3. -when Your Girlfriend Posts "Real
Men Are Born In
March", But You Were Born In October
My Brother, I Understand . E Dey Pain
But No Vex You Never
Reach Your Bus-stop....
.
4. -when Girls Run Out Of Cosmetics The
Next Thing They Will Update Is.....
"Make-up Free Day, Loving It All
Natural".
And You Think You Are Deceiving Me
Abi....?
.
5.-borday: I Heard U Now Work At The
Bakery.?
Akpos: Oh Yes. I Started Last Week.
Borday: But You Have Never Brought
Any Bread Home.
Akpos: Your Sister Who Works At The
Airport, Has She Brought
Any Aeroplane To The House? And
Even You Who Works At The
Mortuary, Have You Brought
Any Dead Body Home Before?
.
6. -can Someone Please Deposit Money
Into My First Bank Account.
I Want To Know If My Alert Is Still
Working.....
7.-when A Girl Upload A Beautiful
Photo. Her Main Boyfriend Will
Just Like
And Comment Briefly Such
Like"Beautiful"Or "Cute". But Awon
Abelejayan ( Aspiring Boyfriends)
Will Be Shouting
Wow Wow Wow, Wow Like Police
Siren..
.
8.-some Girls Don't Go To The Gym, But
Look Physically Fit Because
Of Running From One Man To
Another....
.
9-dear Bae, If You Want To Cheat On
Me, Please, Do It With
Someone I Can Beat...
Don't Hurt Me Twice....
.
10 -onitsha Babes Are Very Funny, You
Will Meet Them In A Taxi. You
Pay Taxi Fare For Them
And Buy Them Yoghurt Then Exchange
Numbers, And You Will Watch Them
Save Your Name As Taxi
Yoghurt.
.
11-someone Updated: "Rape Is Not A
Sin, It's
Just A Surprise Sex". I Commented,
"May
Your Sisters & Wife Be Surprised By
Men".
He Blocked Me.
Did I Say Anything Bad

A girl that will not shave her armpit hairs but will always like to shave her eyebrows, my sister please tell me what kind of farming system is that one, is it shifting cultivation

Three Scientist Went On a Discovery Tour To The Sea,
a Biologist, a Physicist And a Chemist.
Reaching The Sea a Very Big Ugly Fish Swam To The Shore And Then Swam Back Into The Deep Sea.
Biologist Said He needs to find out which phylum the fish belongs to, so he dived into the sea.
after a long time his friends did not see a sign of him, the physicist said he must have been carried
away by the waves,
he therefore decides to go in and measure the wavelength and frequency of the wave so that they
can predict the location of the biologist
he went in and disappeared.
after a long period of waiting, the chemist started going home
a man nearby watching the drama stopped him and ask
why should you just walk away
when two friends of your's are down in the sea.
chemist replied,
we just came for discovery and I have discovered something,
both of them are soluble in water.....!

Oya swear

1. If you didn't kill earthworm with salt.
2. If you didn't play rubber band.
3. If you never bathed in the rain.
4. If nobody told you about India vs Nigeria 99-1.
5. If you didn't sleep on the couch and wake
up on the bed.
6. If you didn't go 2 steal cashew and guava in d
next street
and the owner's dog comes through the
backyard waiting for you to come down from the
tree.
7. if u didn't throw your milk tooth on the
roof for the lizards to take it and give you new
ones.
8. If you didn't just wash your hands and legs
instead of
bathing when going to school.
9.If you didn't act film in uncompleted building or
under bed
with friends.
10.. If you never flew a kite.
11..If you didn't use ur two legs to build houses
with sand.
12.If u didn't write ur name on paper and insert
it into ur pen
so that no one will steal it.
13.If u didn't close d fridge door really slowly to
see when d
lights went off.
14.If u neva waved @ white birds expectin ur
nails to b whiter
15.If u neva heard of a ghost dat stays under
mango trees @nights
16.If u didn't drive a single car Tyre with a stick
and called it
ur car!
17If u didnt mix garri n sugar in ur pocket and
eat while
walking in the street.
18.If u never did mama and papa play i.e. cookin
grass nd
sand witout fire.
19.If you didn't play table soccer. with bottle
cover.....
20.If you never u make paper boat.
.....then I guess ur Childhood wasn't fun!
Oya choose which one u do
Do you knw its not jangilova epo motor? it is
JINGLE OVER LIKE
A MOTOR!! I bet u didn't knw. Don't be shy, I
didn't know either
until now I am sure 99.9 % of adults that grew up
in Nigeria dnt
knw dat d nursery rhyme "sandalili sandalili" is
actually
"standard living standard living". D song in church
saying " o
singo singo, praise d Lord", is actually " o sing my
soul and
praise d Lord. I knw u are singing it now again,
smiles
***Confess.! are u guilty? hahahaha!

He Promised To Take You To Places You Have Never Been Before And You Were Happy And Smiling, Now He Takes You To His Village And You Are Angry. My Dear Why? Have You Been To His Village Before?

Please viewers and followers of this thread, I would love you guys to drop your comment to show your appreciation for what I'm doing. It goes a long way to motivate me to do more.

And please if you have any jokes, you are free to post it here to keep the thread going.

THANKS.

A Governor was in a church for
thanksgiving.

The topic of the sermon was "repentance".

After the sermon, Pastor Akpos asked the congregation 'if anybody wants to give his or her
life to God lift your hand let me pray for you......'

Nobody responded for about three times.

The Governor mounted d alter and made a statement.."If u want to give your life to God please
lift up your hands let Pastor pray for you cause we want to have good citizens in this state". 

A guy lifted up his hands reluctantly.

The governor asked his PA to give the guy 10 million naira.

The governor repeated the same statement again, this time around everybody's hand was up...

The Governor turned to Pastor Akpos to pray for them, to his greatest surprise Pastor Akpos hand was also up.....

Akpos Explaining Marketing:

1. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” -
That’s Direct Marketing.

2. You are at a party with a bunch of friends and see a Gorgeous Girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says:
“He’s very rich. Marry him!” – That’s Advertising.

3. You are at a party and see a Gorgeous Girl. She walks up to you and says: “You are very rich!
Can i marry you?” - That’s Brand
Recognition.

4. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go to her and say: “I
am very rich. Marry me!” She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - That’s Customer Feedback.

5. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go to her and say: “I
am very rich. Marry me!” And she
introduces you to her husband. - That’s Demand and Supply
Gap.

6. You see a Gorgeous Girl at a party. You go to her and before
you say: “I m rich, Marry me!”, your wife arrives. –
That’s Restriction for Entering New Markets.

NIGERIA GIRL WATCHING NOLLYWOOD MOVIE.

In the movie, Ramsey Noah is the step son of Patience Ozokwo(Mama G),

Patience Ozokwo acted as a
wicked woman. 

Patience Ozokwo's plan was to
poison Ramsey Noah. 

After puttin d poison into a glass of juice, she kept it in d fridge.

(Nigeria girl still watching)

Nigeria girl: This woman is very wicked.

In d movie: Suddenly,
Ramsey Noah comes back from work.

Nigeria Girl: (still watching)
Ramsey please don't go to the kitchen.

In d movie: Ramsey Noah
enters inside the kitchen.

Nigeria Girl: (still watching) Ramsey pls don't go near d fridge.

In d movie: Ramsey Noah goes straight to d fridge.

Nigeria Girl: (still watching)
Ramsey please don't carry juice, just carry water and drink. Then go and sleep.

In d movie: Ramsey Noah
carries the juice, as he was about to drink the juice the glass fell
down on d floor and breaks.

Nigeria Girl (excited): THANK YOU JESUS!

Ofego to Akpos: Why don't u just go and study?

Akpos: What for?

Ofego: You'll get good marks.

Akpos: then?

Ofego: You'll get good job.

Akpos: then?

Ofego: You'll have big house, new car.

Akpos: So what after that?

Ofego: After that you'll relax.

Akpos: So what do u think i'm doing right now

Husband wanted to call the hospital to ask about his pregnant wife, but accidentally called the cricket stadium.

He asks, “How’s the situation?”

He was shocked and nearly died on hearing the reply.

They said, “It’s fine. 3 are out, hope to get another 7 out by lunch, last one was a duck!”

Ofego: Take this N150,000, go to computer village and buy me a quality laptop with a big RAM.

Akpos: Okay!.

Akpos didn't return after two days, so Ofego decided to reach him on phone.

Ofego: Hello, Akpos, what is keeping you long?.

Akpos: The RAM

Ofego: The RAM? How do you mean? Where are you now?

Akpos: I'm on my way back from Kano.

Ofego: Kano?

Akpos: Yes Kano. I bought the Laptop at Ikeja but I traveled to Kano to buy the big RAM.

Ofego: Oh my God!

Akpos(gets angry): Oh my what? Ofego are u normal? I'm not a little child o! Is it not Laptop and big ram you send me?

Akpos called customer care by 1 am.

After 30 mins of advert, finally, Akpos comes on line.

Customer care: Hello this is MTN customer care how can I help u?.

Akpos: God punish u!

Customer care: Sorry sir that's not polite, what's the problem?

Akpos: Are u askin me? Check ur time, what is it sayin?

Customer care: Sir this is 1:30 am.

Akpos: So, why are u not asleep, are u a witch?

Customer care: No sir am not a wizard.

Akpos: Then what are u? Has others not slept finish?

Customer care: Sir, please go straight to the reason why u called.

Akpos: Ok, I have N99 on my phone, please transfer me N1 naira let me make midnight call.

Customer care: Hahahahahahahah ahaha. Between you and i who is a witch?

At a launching ceremony, Chief Akpos who is an illiterate noticed that each dignitary making a donation had two titles attached
to their names.

For instance, Chief (Dr.) Ofego Akpe, Prof (Pastor) Oghenefegor Akwaruta, etc.

Chief Akpos was determined not to allow anyone upstage him at the occasion.

When it was his turn to speak, he took the microphone and announced: I, Late (Chief)
Akpos Akpomiemie Akpororo Atanatene donate the sum of N500,000 cash.

Late Who??

The hall was empty in 60 seconds.

Akpos was toasting a girl in a well packed bus but the girl kept rebuffing his advances
but he persisted.

The girl got frustrated and yelled 'is it by force??!!'

Everybody's questioning eyes were turned on Akpos in an instance.

He was so embarrassed and to cover it up he yelled back 'Yes, it is by force! You must accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour.

In early 90's Arsenal had a player called
Newton Dicks.
He got injured in one match and
Newspapers wrote 'Arsenal to play without
Dicks'
The coach was furious and told the Papers
to write it as 'Arsenal to play with Dicks
out'.
You can guess the number of ladies who
flocked the stadium to watch the really
awaited match.

*MATHEMATICS EXAM PAPER*
*Time*: *3Hrs 30MINS*
*INSTRUCTIONS:* *ATTEMPT ALL QUESTIONS.*
*ALL QUESTIONS CARRY EQUAL MARKS*

*1.* You have dated a girl for *two* years, eventually she drops you for another guy. Calculate the percentage of time wasted. *(20 marks)*

*2.* You bought a phone for your girlfriend and she gave it to another guy. Using trigonometric identities, derive a general formula for this type of love. *(20 marks)*

*3. For Boys* You're dating around 15 girls and every girl is demanding for a Samsung Galaxy and an iPhone 6s
*(a)* Plot a graph of girls against prices of phones. *(15marks)*
*(b)* Use your graph to estimate your future poverty *(5marks)*

*4.* You are dating other peoples' sisters yet you don't want to see any guy with your sister. Calculate the Percentage Error in your Thinking Capacity. *(20 marks)*

*5.* You are a *civil servant*, your wife is a petty trader, your combined household income is less than N50,000. Your daughter who is awaiting *GCE* result is using iPhone 6s and Samsung Galaxy worth N90,000 each. Calculate the Percentage of your Parental Negligence. *(20 marks)*

*6. *For girls* You're a girl and you have dated 20 guys with hard labour, use the law of diminishing Return to calculate the substance that will be left for your husband to enjoy. *(20 marks)*

*7.* You can't give your wife N1,000 for a pot of soup, but you spend over N5,000 in bars and restaurant.
Calculate the radius of your 'stupidity', take π=3.142 *(20 marks)*

8.* You have been in the church and in your fellowship for years but your name is not in the book of LIFE because of the secret sin. Calculate the years you will spend in HELL? (30 mark)

_*BEST OF LUCK!*_

*SECTION B: Theory.*
In one word give 5 reason why is difficult for Ladies to propose.

Your Time Starts Now. But remember to share to all your friends because the question papers are not much to go round.

*GOOD LUCK.*

The missing moon


The sighting of the moon was Inconclusive
-INEC

The sighting of the moon has been adjourned till tomorrow
-Abuja High Court

The sighting of the moon was not altered, a committee will be set-up to be headed by Sen. David Mark (Chairman Senate committee on Observation)
-Senate

The moon has already been sighted tomorrow
-Lai Mohammed

The anomally in the crescentic illumna of the moon in the atmospheric galaxy is tantamount to more crinkum crankum & hoola-baloo
-Patrick Obahiagbon

The APC was the cause of the moon not sighted in Nigeria
-Fayose

We will create another moon for Nigerians
-APC

Due to none sighting of the Moon, the Board of the Ulamas has been dissolved.
-Presidency

We blew up the moon and we will blow up more moons
-Niger Delta Avengers

We are responsible for the absence of the moon in the sky
-Boko Haram

Those responsible for the missing moon will soon be apprehended and charged accordingly. We have evidence.
-EFCC

We dont want to sight the Moon
-Biafrans

We know where the moon is but we dont want to say.
-The US govt.